OMG I've Made It Worse!

[ChristianonLI]

Thanksgiving evening, any slim hopes I had of ever reconciling with the love of my life was destroyed. Entirely by me. I initiated what turned into an hours long text message argument and, after me saying a bunch of angry and nasty things in response to her repeated refusals to give even an inch of consideration to me for fixing the marriage, she ended it by telling me to NEVER contact her again. No texts, no IMs, no phone calls, she would not respond.

She had never said that before. For the past month I had been trying to talk to her, to reason with her, to appeal to her compassion and fix our young, four month old marriage, but for the whole month since the day she left (according to her, she was kicked out...) she has repeatedly said, "It's over, we're done, there's no going back."

But she hasn't even actually given the possibility any thought. She came to her conclusion and now, no matter what I say, she is sticking to it without a single ounce of compassion, consideration or understanding for me. I screwed some things up. I said some bad things. But I never hit her. I never cheated on her. I never, in any way, shape or form, abused her. I loved her with all my heart but I wasn't showing it in a way that she expected me to show it. And for that, she left me and refuses to reconcile.

"You never loved me," she says. "If your love was real, you wouldn't have made the mistakes you did."

WTF? I was addicted to online video games. I accused her of cheating after watching her pull away for weeks, wanting no intimacy, acting shady and clearly doing everything in her power to avoid me. In the heat of the moment as she was moving out I asked for the engagement ring back because it was an old family heirloom and according to her, that was me deliberately and consciously kicking her out of my life.

"That is the ring we started our life together," she says. "You kicked me out, you didn't want me there by asking for that back."

I didn't ask for the wedding ring back. I asked for a 70 year old ring back that served only as a placeholder for the wedding ring. And when I try to explain everything I saw that led me to suspect she was cheating, none of it makes sense to her. She just acts insulted that I would have even thought of it in spite of the fact she spent numerous nights out late with little explanation, sometimes whole weekends out, stopped having sex, stopped touching me altogether, had numerous private text and IM conversations that I wasn't allowed to see....but I'm the one who was wrong for suspecting she might be cheating.

And any hope I had of getting her back, on Thursday night, was wholly destroyed by me. This woman I love with all my heart and would sever my own arms and legs just to get back, is gone and even more so adamantly refuses to come back now. She hasn't answered a single text or IM since her declaration for me to leave her alone forever.

I am even more heart broken than before. She was my everything. My life was set in stone with her. We were going to have children together. We were on the way to building a whole life together. But in a few short weeks, for things I personally don't feel were so bad, she left. She fell out of love. She feels nothing more than friendship for me (or at least did, probably now feels even less). WE JUST GOT MARRIED! WTF!? How could this happen???

Why did this happen??? What the Hell did I do to deserve this???

[Primo]

Alot of people tend to lose their dignity when things go bad, so you're not alone. From what you've written, believe me when I tell you that it's over and she won't be coming back. Be careful with your behavior too, because if you keep texting, calling or trying to initiate contact with her you may find yourself on the wrong side of a police report.

Look at the positive side, when you find someone else special, I don't think you'll make the same mistakes again will you?

[shheadz]

She's not compassionless, and she's probably already given it a lot of consideration. I've found that women are pretty good at doing what they feel must be done -- even if their heart is screaming "NO!" -- to maintain their own mental and emotional health, and they stick to their guns.

There are a couple scenarios here. Maybe she was cheating on you, and now she wants to go off and be happy with the other guy, so nothing you can say is going to sway her.

I kind of doubt that though. Lets look at another possibility. She was feeling stressed out by things in her life. Maybe even stressed out by you, and she needed to let off a little steam. So she starts having a few girls nights out. She starts talking to friends and family members online about her problems (because you won't listen or understand). If you were the cause of her stress, what she needed was some space away from you to clear her head, and have some fun.

Rather than give her some space, or try to comfort her, you jumped straight to "Bitch, are you cheating on me?" Bad move if she was already feeling stressed out by you, and having doubts if you could give her the emotional support she needs in her life. Did you even try talking to her before accusing her of cheating on you?

If that scenario is closer to what really happened, then she may be feeling like you don't show any understanding or compassion -- and that may be the truth. You only hurt her more with your last argument. But you know that.

She's going through a tough time right now, and you're making it so much worse by accusing her of being heartless, and accusing her of walking away from the marriage so easily, because this isn't easy for her at all. It doesn't sound like she walked away from the marriage. She was pushed out by you because of your stubborn pride.

I don't think you can fix your marriage until you're ready to talk to her without getting mad. Maybe you should send her a message that you're sorry, and you're going to get some therapy because you love her, and you want the marriage to work. Don't go any further than that, because I don't think you can talk without getting angry. After that give her some space. Maybe every once in a while give her an update on how your therapy is going, and how you're starting to see things from her side.

[ChristianonLI]

I did try talking to her for a few weeks before ending with the cheating accusation. The problem was, every time we would talk, the only answers she could give me was, "I don't know what's wrong." But she DID know because she was so ready to tell me everything she was feeling after she moved out.

And I've gotten mad at her because of her flat out refusals to give me the chance I needed to make it all right. If, a few days after she left, she had just capitulated to my requests for that second chance everything would be fine. But she stood her ground, adamantly refused to even think about it, and yes...that made me mad. I'm only human.

The logical course of action is thus: man screws up, wife leaves. Man apologizes, wife accepts, gives him another chance. What's so hard about that? It's not like we'd been repeating that same cycle for months or years. It was our first hurdle as a married couple and she completely buckled and ran.

I don't get it. She still won't respond to any messages I send her. Nothing at all. She's just going out, having a grand old time, living her life and posting all about it on Facebook to taunt me when she SHOULD be HERE, with ME, as my WIFE and in love with me. That's what she pledged just 4.5 months ago at our wedding. That is the mature and responsible thing that she should be doing. But she's not. She took the easy way out and now I'm miserable, alone and I don't know when the next time it will be that I will come across a woman who will even consider wanting to be intimate with me and love me. It could be months, it could be years, it could be NEVER.

I'm not prepared for that. I had a good woman who loved me and was supposed to stick by me, was supposed to help me, was supposed to BE my wife. Now I have to start all over with someone new? That's ridiculous! I haven't the willpower nor the desire to attract another woman. She loved me, I loved her, it was supposed to be forever, and unless it ends up as forever I don't think my life can ever move on.

[lhn]

Omg Christian... you basically mirrored what i thought and how i felt when i split with my ex. Exactly the same and if yours works out in the longrun exactly the same as mine... its because she doesn't love u anymore.

Its the most heartbreaking, disgusting thought and will literally have u scratching your head forever but sometimes people wake up and realise it wasn't meant to be.

Most the time, when people split, the other one has been thinking it a while. perhaps even before u got married and she just felt pressured into it.

At the end of the day, there are sooooo many different possibilities that it doesnt even matter cos u probably wont ever know.

Just let her do her own thing and hope!

[VioletB]

It sounds like whatever happened, that for you was a minor occurance, was to her a big deal.

You said: The logical course of action is thus: man screws up, wife leaves. Man apologizes, wife accepts, gives him another chance. What's so hard about that?

It sounds like you're really taking her reaction to what you do for granted, and she's not responding in the way that you EXPECT her to. Is that her fault, for not conforming to what you expect? Or is it your's, for having those expectations in the first place? The whole trick to being in a healthy relationship is to try to see things from the other person's point of view. It doesn't sound like either one of you is meeting the other halfway in that regard.

Leaving a marriage is a big deal for anyone, whether it's 4.5 months old or 4.5 years old. You can bet that she put serious thought into making that decision, and hard as it was for her to come to that decision, she'll stick to it. She was looking at you under that microscope called "can I spend the rest of my life with this person?" And something she saw told her she'd be very unhappy if she did.

Mourn the loss, mope, be miserable for a while. And then get past it and go on with your life, because being married to someone who wouldn't meet you halfway wouldn't have been a good situation for YOU, either.

[Primo]

It's rare, but it happens. I knew a girl that talked about her fiance and pending marriage non-stop. They had dated for a few years and it definitely appeared like a rock solid relationship, it was all she was about at the time. Long story short, she got married and before I even had a chance to follow up on how things were going, she had gotten divorced and was living with another guy. We're talking a few months here...what's even more odd is that her husband was a professional, clean cut, nice looking guy and the one she ran off with was a beer belly slob.

I'm sure it's incredibly hard to accept, but like I said, don't find yourself travelling down a road you don't want to be on with her. Be smart.

[ChristianonLI]

I cannot come to terms with this. I tried meeting her halfway, I really did. I tried to talk to her about what was wrong for weeks before she left and all she could say was that she didn't know what was wrong. Maybe she didn't but after she was gone she sure had no problem telling me everything she had been feeling before she left.

I cannot live my life without this woman. I am not just going to "go on and live my life." That's just admitting defeat and capitulating to the world around me. Without her, there's no point to going on. In case you folks haven't figured out, I am a nobody in this world. I'm 30, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I have very little education, I rent an apartment in my parents' basement, I had a terribly low class job for a decade that paid next to nothing, and in spite of all this she STILL fell in love with me and wanted to marry me.

How could I let such a special person go? She has an equally crappy job and cannot support herself outside her parents' house, she's not of model or supermodel quality, her education is even less than mine, she was a virgin when I met her and she is, quite frankly, a little strange. We were made for each other! No sane, educated, financially established woman is going to ever give me the time of day, let alone fall in love with me and sleep with me. My wife was my last chance at achieving happiness. Now that she's gone, I might as well just put a bullet in my head and be done with it because I'm never going to find someone like her again unless I look below even my near worthless social level. And I'm certainly not going to find another virgin as attractive as she is.

Oh sure, I can do as so many of you have suggested, pick up and move on with my life and make it better. But that's a lot of hard work, people. I got this woman into my life with no work at all. I have, at this point in my life, been able to completely avoid everything that makes so many peoples' lives miserable: hard work and tragedy. I met my wife without hard work, she fell in love with me without hard work and she married me without hard work. She absolutely must come back because I am not starting over with another woman. I don't have the patience, I don't have the energy, and I don't have the mental stamina to spend the next few months or years single and then, by the graces of God, meeting someone and needing more months and years before I can achieve the level of happiness that I lost back in October by my wife leaving.

The only option that is acceptable in this whole Universe is her coming to her senses, understanding my logic and reason and returning to the marriage happy that she's not single and lonely. Being single and lonely is the ultimate failure and the ultimate misery, it is worse than death. My family doesn't understand this. My friends don't understand this. Nobody I've spoken to understands my point of view. Everyone has told me to just suck it up, move on and hope someone better comes my way some day.

SOME DAY??? Are you kidding me? And be single again? Go to sleep alone and miserable every night again, praying to God to do me a second favor and bring yet another person into my life to save me from this agony? I prayed for years. God brought me the woman I married. Then, because he's obviously a spiteful, angry and vindictive supreme being, he took her away from me to make me suffer in my solitude once more.

I refuse to go back to being the person I was before I met her. She gave my life meaning. Because of her, I didn't kill myself two years ago. Because of her I actually felt like I finally had value in this world. Only her love gave my life purpose and now that purpose is gone. Why the F--- should I even bother continuing this pointless, agonizing business of life then? In HOPES someone else comes along? I had that someone come along. Her love was all mine. There's no reason in Heaven or on Earth why that should have ever changed. And if I don't get it back soon there's going to be Hell to pay.

[lhn]

Firstly, anyone who has been through heartbreak and has come out the other side knows... there is no perspective whilst going through it. Nothing matters, nothing makes sense, and nothing eases the heartache and misery.

If everything you have said is true, then why are you content to be in a deadend job, living in an apartment in your parents basement, and having no value (as u see it) in this world?!?! Don't u see. Everything is a choice. Everything!!

Clearly the issue here is the fact she has left u and you cannot believe your world has just fallen apart in every sense in such a short space of time.
Listen to me... I've been there, done it and have the scars. You think to yourself... it was only 'x' number of days ago that we were happily smiling together. We were happy and things were how they should be. You were a team, she was your best friend and nothing was going to seperate you. All the smiles, all the laughs, all the memories... how could that now mean nothing to her when it means SO MUCH to you.

How is being like this resembling anything close to attractive to her. Go out, get a better job or get a job where u can work your way up internally. Failing that, do what I'm about to do in the new year... pay your way through more education so ultimately, you end up better off. I work a fulltime job and partime job and now will be studying aswell.
Nothing comes to u in this world, you have to get it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to grow as a person through all of this. Ofcourse you will wallow in the agony of the seperation for months. I'm now well over 14 weeks I think and even this morning I thought about it. Everyday I've thought about it.
You just have to get on with things.

Don't go suicidal because people don't sympathise or understand. Plenty of people do, myself included.

Just know that you can't make someone love you. You just can't. No matter how much you think 'if she would just come round for a movie, I'll have her laughing just like before and everything will come flooding back to her' it just doesnt work like that.

Try to accept... for her, it ended.

sorry.

[ChristianonLI]

No. It's not over. I won't allow it. I don't care how much free will she has as a human being, she is not just going to get away freely with doing this to me. Nobody hurts me and gets away with it.

[lhn]

Sorry Christian... I felt that feeling too. Other people will confirm this stage of heartbreak too. Eventually you'll realise its only you you're hurting.

I hope you can move on and feel better quicker than I could

[lilly1185]

Oh sure, I can do as so many of you have suggested, pick up and move on with my life and make it better. But that's a lot of hard work, people. I got this woman into my life with no work at all.

You are a lazy tool clinging on to the dregs of society.
I think your wife finally realised that yes, you are lazy and she deserves better and is going to work on herself so she doesn't WIND UP like you.
Please tell me no children were brought into this.

If you FELT like putting some hard work and effort into yourself you could bank up some money, go to school and make a better existence for yourself.
However, since your only aim is to be a lazy, worthless pile, do the world a favour and put the hole in your head.

If you're still reading this, it shows you have a little bit of drive. Funnel all that self-worthlessness into hard work, determination, and improve yourself.

[Chazza2k]

im sorry for what your going through its really difficult and I know the days just go on and on. Remember though You have the capability to change, perhaps this will give you the platform to see how things are in your life and that means change is the only way forward. And help you grow as a person.

Certainly things arent working for you currently, if you suffer addiction problems to online gaming then seek some professional help if you feel you cannot beat it alone. There are people out there who can help! Change is frightening and can provoke so much fear that some just avoid it for as long as they can! change is a fact of life though and it has a habbit of sneaking up on you. It took my Ex-GF to run out of patience with me to realise this myself she left me for another guy and I beat myself up it for over months! I still am to a point but Ive realised that all this self pitty doesnt help...

Your value wasnt derived by the fact that one person fell in love with you, but she has made you question yourself. Its very difficult to look into a mirror and not like what you see but trust me you can start a different approach and start to make changes, small ones at first but really ask yourself what do you want out of life? Hard work and tragedy I think you are completly wrong about. Hardwork gives people pride, acomplishment a sense of worth from achieving a goal and tragedy affects us all eventually. If you have managed to avoid them thus far in your life you are not doing yourself any favours you are simply denying yourself the tools in life to deal with them. If you play most online video games to get anywhere near decent at them requires hardwork, time and effort its just a waste of time in a real sense?

I know it feels bad but you can get through it.
Good luck

[cmacattack1]

It's scary how similar all the emotions and thoughts that crossed your mind are to how I felt, and how I'm sure we all felt.

I know you don't want to accept it but when they make a decision, there really is nothing you can say to change their mind. You've already tried your magic speeches and where have they got you? If they succeeded in making her more angry, why continue? Continuing to do what you are doing, showing her how miserable and unhappy you are and projecting those feelings onto her are just going to reaffirm her decision. She can't miss you if you are constantly apologizing, chattering and begging in her ear. If she did, it would be out of pity and guess where you would be? Like this again down the road when you are older and uglier.

No matter how hard you try, it's largely impossible to grow as a person when you are in a relationship. You are busy trying to merge your two lives together. This is an opportunity to better yourself like everybody said. To get a better education, better job, to get a better life. She's already left you and she won't come back to who you were and currently are. And you probably did enough damage where she won't ever come back to you but that's not certain and nothing is 100%. You aren't going to want to comprehend that right now, but it is something to keep in mind.

You really have to be a man and take control of your life. That's what straight women want right? A man.

[smileman]

Thanksgiving evening, any slim hopes I had of ever reconciling with the love of my life was destroyed...

snip

Alot of people tend to lose their dignity when things go bad, so you're not alone. From what you've written, believe me when I tell you that it's over and she won't be coming back.

ChristianonLI: There is actually a way. It seems though as if you did the DON'Ts but there is still a remedy that you can try.

What you do, is leave her alone for about 5 days and then message her via email, text, or letter that you agree with what ever happened and that she was right. You got a bit crazy a while back but you agree with her that breaking up is the right thing to do. Tell her something good happened to you recently, and that you guess things happen for a reason.

This will install a sort of curiosity and a reverse psychology.. it would be very awkward for her to just go back to you after all of that, just to note. So you really need to show her that you are on her side.

Next, leaver her ALONE for a month or so.. take the time to review YOURSELF and ALL the errors in your side (there should be). Then by a month, greet her and make the conversation short and always be polite, patient and cool. Contact her every week or 2 and just leave it short until she tries to make a conversation her self.. You'll need to heal up and make sure to take things slowly to renew your relationship. You'll be her NEW boyfriend who is the same old boyfriend who she fell in love with at first.