Is he using me?

[kms]

I've been on the other side, in a slightly similar situation. I wasn't getting my emotional needs met (he was ignoring me, texting/calling other girls, hanging out with his friends all time, being overly critical and could never find anything nice to say to me), yet we had been together for 3 years. I couldn't forget about how close we were, how many things we had shared together, how many difficulties we had faced and overcome... I wondered if it was just a phase since he was going through a lot of difficult, stressful circumstances... so I thought I would wait it out, stand by him and just suck it up when he treated me badly.

Well, I met another guy; neither of us had any intentions of anything, but before I knew it, we were very interested in one another. He treated me well, listened to what I had to say, respected me, valued me, noticed my strengths, encouraged me instead of criticizing me.... We had all the important things in common, life goals, interests, values (very surprising since I have a wide range of interests)... I felt completely torn in two. He wanted to be with me; he wanted something for real and official. Yet, I had 3 entire years of being with my boyfriend - I can't ignore that. It wasn't a fair choice. 3 years, best friends, closer to him than to anyone else in my life (and same for him) with one guy - compared to a month of just talking mostly online with the other.... The obvious choice is my boyfriend.

My boyfriend ended up finding out that I had been talking to this guy, we had a huge fight, I thought he was leaving me (even though I had never actually done anything with the guy; we just talked).... but we talked everything over and worked things out. He wanted to fix our relationship because he loved me and didn't want to lose me; of course I did too. So I told the other guy, and had to cut off contact with him because I felt too distracted to just stay friends with him. He understood me so well, our personalities complemented one another's so perfectly... I could not talk to him as a friend. So I ended everything with him.

Was I using him? No. Not in the least. Did I get rid of him because I could care less about him? Absolutely not. I had to do the mature, responsible thing, and honor my commitment to my boyfriend and to our deep friendship. It wasn't fair to my boyfriend to keep a friendship with a guy who wanted more with me, and it wasn't fair to the other guy to always be reminded how well we complemented and understood each other, yet he can't have me. How torturous and painful.

Sure, the guy could be using you - but, he may have found himself in the exact same type of situation. It's just not a fair choice between someone you're committed to and have been with for a long time vs. someone you just met. There's a good chance that what you feel for the new person is purely hormones anyway.

So for his sake, respect him and don't try to contact him or stay in his life. It'll be a constant shadow and reminder in his relationship. If it doesn't work out with them, he won't feel very appreciative that you kept bothering him and trying to 'win' him. He would likely appreciate it more if you respected him and gave him his space to work out his life for the best of everyone involved.

[Only-virgins]

Here's some advice: watch your back because his girlfriend is going to be after you now. I sure would be. I'd kick your little ass and set all of his shit on fire.

What are you 15?

[Only-virgins]

cut all your communication with the guy and find a rebound.

Uhhh....that is what a rebound does. Use you.

[Cassy]

I agree with Gigabitch, the person has given a good advice, there is no point in keeping this relationship.

[-+Lost+-]

Thanks everyone, you have all been very helpful

kms: that makes me feel alot better knowing he might not just be using me. It does sound very similar to his situation... In the long run you did the right thing, must have been very hard though right? Have things been really good in your relationship since all this happened?
Thinking about it, it seems so hard to just let him go.. im really not sure how he feels about all this as ive not had a chance to talk to him. I do know that he has said that he wants to try again with her, he said he has too much to lose, but he wants to stay friends with me. I totally respect his decision.. The thought of not having him in my life really hurts.

Did you ever hear from this other guy again?

[-+Lost+-]

So he tells me he is leading me on and he chosing her, yet he still kisses me, he still holds my hand, we still gaze into eachothers eyes and i can see he wants me. She is making him delete my number so we cant text eachother and she is paranoid all the time about where he is and who hes with.. How can he put up with that?! She must be making his life miserable but still he stays, even when im offering to give him everything he wants. They arn't even together at the moment, they are trying to gain the trust back, but i dont think it is going to happen.. I mean i dont text him or message him at all, i see him at work, surely working together is a bigger problem for her..

I saw him out last night and we had a chat, he was his flirty self and kept giving me the eye and blowing me kisses...seemed to be the drunker he got the worse he got! We all went back to a friends house to hang out there but when it came to the end of the night he didn't even say goodbye to me, he just left.. i stupidly ran after him down the stairs telling him to stop and just listen to me. He stopped and i told him this will probably be the last time we ever see eachother (out of work) i hugged him and we kissed, he apologised for everything and again said he is leading me on; seriously who is he trying to convince, i get it, he is leading me on i dont care, why does he feel the need to keep telling me. It ended with a kiss and an "i'll see you later" and he left.

Why did he run away without saying goodbye? Hes hurting me even more this way..i want to be friends with him but he makes it so hard saying he doesnt want me yet he still expresses his feeling as if he does...

I know you guys said to cut all contact etc but it is soooo hard. Its like torture. I think i am falling for him..

[Primo]

You're worried about her making his life miserable?

I give up hope on you Lost, just go ahead and fu*k around with him now, why wait? You're going to anyway.

Or was it really goodbye forever last night (except for work)?

[sookie6]

Lost,
am not sure how old this guy is...but he seems like someone who wants out from his current relationship but at the same time is worried about what he could be losing.
He want all of both worlds!!!
He probably comes across as very lovely and charming but acts soo selfish.

Please don't beat yourself over what you have done wrong etc...if I were the girlfriend I would be kicking HIS ass and not yours...

Walk away from everything that is hurting...your ex partner, his friends, this new guy, his friends...you will be doing yourself a favour.

You are only 22. You should be grateful that you are learning some valuable lessons about men right now...

This will teach you what to look in future partners...how men can sweet talk you into bed and break false promises...it is just life at its worse when people lie to you, cheat on you and do not really care of how it could affect you...

Be your best friend and put yourself first...next time he bullshits you imagine the word LIAR written on his forehead...it might help...

Best of luck sweetie...things will get better!!!
xxx

[JEBUSMADMAN]

He cheated on her, you didn't cheat on her, it is not entirely your fault, as much as you probably think it is, it's not. I would lay low from talking to this guy if you really want him to be interested in you. If he tries to talk to you, just make the conversation short, don't talk to your friends about him, no one. Pretend you like someone else. Don't stare at him, when you look at him don't even smile act as if you aren't really looking at him but beyond him (you know what I mean?) This will get him curious and wonder what is going on with you and he will really question himself if it's you he wants since you are slipping away or his gf, that he obviously doesn't love because he's been sleeping around and flirting with you. He figures you seem to always be there for him, he is pretty much taking you for granted, so switch that around and see what happens. Just my 2 cents..

[-+Lost+-]

Im not worried about it, i hope she is making his life miserable..i just don't know why he puts up with it. I guess he really does love her. They are going on a date this week (i hate facebook) i know i shouldnt be but im gutted!
Well he is going away next week so im not going to see him for two weeks, i guess that will be the best time to cut it off..
This guy is 26, i did think he wanted out from his current relationship but now i guess im not so sure. I mean it makes sense they are trying again, they have so much to lose. Its just before all this happened she told me shes not in love with him anymore and she wanted to break up with him but didnt want to hurt him. Now all of a sudden they are trying again! I feel so down, he is clearly getting what he wants so he must be happy and i have lost everything! I try my hardest to be angry at him but as soon as i see his face its like all of the bad stuff flies away and all thats left is this sweet, funny and gorgeous guy.
How am i supposed to be angry at him? How can i just forget him and move on? Atleast when your going out with someone and you break up its a clean break.. but with this there is no break, its just on going.

Sorry im going on a bit, i know what i should do and your advise has been great, i guess i just need to get everything im feeling out. I know im being stupid and i should just end this, but easier said than done ,you know?

[-+Lost+-]

Thanks jebusmadman i did think about that, maybe seeing what happens when he realises im slipping away from him.. i guess because i wont see him for 2 weeks he might kind of miss me. We shall see, and if i dont hear from him when i stop all contact then i will definitely know that he isn't interested.
In the meantime i will look at bettering myself like going to the gym etc. so then when i next see him i will have gained my confidence back and look fantastic

[Gigabitch]

Please don't beat yourself over what you have done wrong etc...if I were the girlfriend I would be kicking HIS ass and not yours...

If he were my boyfriend, he'd be in a shallow grave.

[qwertz]

me me me me me me me, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I , me me me me me me me me me me me, I I I I I I I I I I I , me me me me me.

[Primo]

Lost, is there ANY other guys where you live that catch your eye? Any? Sometime this week, just for the hell of it, go flirt with one that you find attractive, just for fun

[-+Lost+-]

Of course its all about me and i, this is how I feel..i cant exactly ask advice for him or her can i?!

Primo, yes i guess there is i may just do that, it might be fun and who knows i might actually find someone i like..who is single!

This is it now, i've had enough of him so from now on i am just going to act like work collegues at work and no messaging of any kind! He is an a*sehole!!!!

Thanks for all the advice everyone, you have helped alot!