Am I overly jealous over her ex??

[mockingbird]

First of all forgive my bad English but I’m not a native speaker.


The ex and my girlfriend started dating five years ago, and broke up two years ago (she broke up with him), but they were intimate like a year ago.

We started dating 9 months ago, and six months ago we had a huge fight, because she was hanging out with him and I told her that I didn’t like that, the day after the fight I found out that he was trying to be with her again because I saw a text message on my gf’s cellphone (I know I know…) and she replied that maybe they should remain just friends, and I freaked out because the day before she told me that he didn’t have feelings for her anymore and stuff and obviously he did. So that day I told her that she had to choose between us, and that meant not talking with him anymore, she agreed, and never contacted him, except in extreme cases and she always told me when she did.

Well two months after that, she traveled to her hometown and celebrated her B-day there, that day she got very drunk and kissed another guy, I was able to find out by my own means and told her, she asked for forgiveness and told me that she didn’t even remember but a friend of her told her that It was true, she told me she was never going to drink again and etc. I decided not to break up. I also have to confess that during the first month of the relationship I also kissed other girl, and I told everything about her to my gf so I felt like I wasn’t in the moral position to break up with her.

Well after that I became more possessive and I started acting dominant and jealous over her male friends, forbidding her of going out with other guys to grab a cup of coffee or stuff like that, and she agreed, I also told her that I wasn’t happy with the idea of her going out alone with her friends on weekends, she accepted reluctantly and she told me everything about her and her past, and she told me she wanted to change because she loved me so much.

So everything went fine until 2 months ago, we started fighting she said I was a very possessive person, that she needed to feel free, and I was controlling every aspect of her life, and she told me that she wanted to break up because she felt like she was in a cage, and that she accepted the previous situation out of guilt for kissing the guy.

So I told her that she had a point, and that the break up wasn’t necessary because my trust was rebuild and that the limits were going to disappear, even thought I wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea.

So I agreed when she said she needed to resume contact with her ex, because he was one of her best friends and bla bla bla, so she began to start talking with him on November, they actually hanged out a couple times with other friends of them, but I accepted it. I told her that they could be friends, but I wouldn’t accept the fact of them being best friends and hanging out alone, and she said it was ok.

So she is in her hometown again, and I was calling her, and she sent me to voicemail, I called her again 5 minutes later, and she answered, I told her: “who were you talking with? “ and she told me that she was talking with her ex, and that she spoke with him two days before, and I told her that I wasn’t very happy with that, so she became very angry, and told me that they actually spoke the day before also, and they were going to speak a lot in the future, and I said that it was ok, but I wanted her to tell me when she did, and she said she wouldn’t do it, that I was nobody to tell her what to do, and that she wanted to be free and that she wasn’t going to give me a description of every single phone call she had with her ex. And now she tells me, “do I ever ask you not to talk with your ex?” “Or not to meet her?” Because is easy for her to say that because my ex-girlfriend is from Taiwan and I would need to fly 16 hours to meet her.

Well yesterday she also incidentally met with the guy she kissed and I found out, and I asked her, have u seen that guy lately? And she said oh yes, I saw him, and I told her why didn’t u tell me? And she replied the same thing, as before, I don’t have to tell you of every time I see them!

I told her that it was ok, and that I was going to give her exactly the same freedom that I have. But I wouldn’t like to be abused, and I told her that if that was going to be the case she better told me at that time, and we could just break up.

I know that this doesn’t sound to good for me, but I feel that my girlfriend has deep resentments against me and wants to be close to her ex out of spite and I know that her ex is more than willing to get close to her, also. I know that I did wrong, because of my insecurities and I love her very much, and I treat her very well all the time, and that is the reason why I changed which is very difficult for a person in my culture, but now I feel that she is testing me, just wanting to see how much I will take for me to keep her, but I don’t feel comfortable, and I don’t know if I’m the only problem, if I am I want to throw away this burden, because I don’t like being alert all the time but maybe I put myself in that situation… I don’t want to be jealous, but I can’t avoid it… before I met this girl I never was…

[Lynx]

I don't think you are overly jealous. I think your gf having to stay in touch w/ her ex is strange. Just because they were best friends? That's the past & they broke up for a reason. I'm sure she has female bf's she can talk to and hang out with. Why go out of your way to stay in contact w/ an ex if you know that your boyfriend does not approve? If she loves you, she would not need to be in contact w/ him so often knowing that it bothers you. Maybe once in a blue moon, bump in to each or whatever, but these constant calls and hanging out? I would say there is no need for her to contact him, but she told you that she needs to for certain reasons... Something does not sound right about that. It seems like she may be having thoughts of getting back w/ him...

[shheadz]

I don't know if staying in contact with her ex is right or wrong. I do think that everything else you've done was pretty horrible.

[pisces7378]

You aren't overly jealous. You know that she isn't available for you right now. You are just too scared to take the necessary step to get away from her. I know how you feel. I dated a girl for 9 months, and her ex boyfriend, and even just guys that she had had sex with as friends would call her almost on a daily basis.

She was one of these girls that stays friends with every boy she's ever dated, even though they all cheated on her, and trashed her like she was just a rag. And now that I've broken up with her, she has been showing up on my door step wanting to be "friends" with me.

When we first started dating, I wasn't jealous at all of past boyfriends and hook-ups. But as time wore on and on, it did start to get a little old that we'd be doing something important, and she'd get up and leave the room to talk to an ex boyfriend for 20 minutes. And once she even left a club 5 minutes before my band was about to play to go see an ex hook up at another club, because he wanted to talk.

At that point I realized it was getting to be too much. I don't think she would have ever cheated on me, but whenever other people are constantly coming between you and a harmonious relationship... it crosses lines. And you have to be strong enough to stand up for what you will accept.

Now, if you lay down some bullshit ultimatum like, "No more talking to ex boyfriends, or I will leave." That is bullshit. But if she is lying to you, and saying she isn't, but she is talking to ex boyfriends... that is not okay. If she is kissing other guys, no matter how much she begs, that is also NOT okay. And TRUST ME BROTHER... if you do not establish a boundary and stick to it, she will just get worse and worse, and ultimately SHE will leave YOU. Because no one can be attracted to a guy that let's his girl get away with bullshit like that.

I'd say you gather all your strength, and you cut that girl loose, and let her get herself together. It will hurt to leave her, but TRUST ME man, it will hurt worse when she leaves you or cheats on you because you are a pussy.

[mockingbird]

I was aware of the things you said, but sometimes one can become a pussy as u said, i just called her, after i read your reply, and told her that i wasn't going to take it and that if i she wasnt ok with it, it was going to hurt because i loved her, but i wasn't going to be in a situation that could harm me eventually, so i preferred to break up if things were going to be like that, and she said agreed reluctantly, so i said if u are not convinced please dont say that you are, because I don't want you to come with a different story in the future, and she said that it was final that she wasn't going to get close to her ex anymore.

[pisces7378]

I was aware of the things you said, but sometimes one can become a pussy as u said, i just called her, after i read your reply, and told her that i wasn't going to take it and that if i she wasnt ok with it, it was going to hurt because i loved her, but i wasn't going to be in a situation that could harm me eventually, so i preferred to break up if things were going to be like that, and she said agreed reluctantly, so i said if u are not convinced please dont say that you are, because I don't want you to come with a different story in the future, and she said that it was final that she wasn't going to get close to her ex anymore.

I don't trust her. But it's your funeral.