How can I get my best friend to date me?

[nycguy]

Hi. I have a dilemma that is quite common - I have strong feelings for my best friend. I'm a guy, she's a girl. We're both in our early 20s. She & I are very close friends. We have been for years. We get along perfectly well, and live on the same frequency: we see life & the world the same way, we have similar goals, etc.. We can talk to each about virtually anything. We have complete trust toward one another. Sometimes we stay up talking til dawn. Etc... People often think we're a couple, but we're not...which is what I want to change.

I haven't told her exactly what I want yet, but in the past we have had indirect hypothetical conversations about it. Here are the pluses I see here: never in our hypothetical convos has she ever said anything along the lines of "it would never happen to us." She has in fact agreed with me once that she and I are compatible and would be a good couple. She's told me that a few of the guy's she has liked before were in some ways like me. We have kissed a few times before, though just in a minor friendly way. And we have also spent much time together on 1-on-1 "dates" (dinners, movies, etc..), where we always both have a wonderful time together. Sometimes I catch her smiling at me in what seems to be an unusual way (unless it's my imagination).

Now here is the downside: while she knows deep down that I represent what she wants, and she herself has said we'd probably be good together, she doesn't realize that what she wants is right in front of her. Because of how long we've known each other, she sees me as a brother figure. This what I want to change.

Before I tell her eventually what I want to try, I want to spend some time trying to change her image of me a bit. I know that she and I would be wonderful together, and all that's missing is a spark, that makes her see me in a different light, like I have with her. I don't know how to ignite such a spark though.

I would appreciate any insight, particularly from women. Thanks!

[thrillaveza]

it's kind of hard to get to date her if she sees you only as a brother figure. just letting you know. i was in one like that and it didn't turn out good. my friend, she got over me before i realized she was a better potential gf and sought to me as her brother. but at least this girl, knows and feels the same way but doesn't want things to change between the two of you. but did you have these feelings for her when you first met her? or did it happen in a more later time of the friendship?

[starbuck]

You're friend zoned right now. My best advice to you would be spend some time not hanging out with her for a while in order to give her a fresh perspective on you.

Just be prepared for the possibility that she may never be able to see you as more than a friend. No matter how compatible people are on paper, if the spark is missing, there's not much you can do.

[lahnnabell]

As starbuck said, there is a certain spark that happens when two people are romantically and sexually attracted to one another. My boyfriend and I did the whole friend deal for a bit (talking like a week) after we first met despite the obvious attraction we felt.

The only way I can summarize the difference in my head is by viewing it in terms of comfort vs. discomfort. My boyfriend and I were comfortable talking and being around each other in the sense that we wanted to be with each other, but there was a very clear sense of discomfort surrounding our "friendship" because it was clearly more than that.

I hope this makes some sense!

[Cbrider]

How is it that we all at some point end up kissing our best friends (opposite sex)?

I'm on that boat too, just funny to think about.

Best line I have ever heard regarding relationships was "marry your best friend."

[Heratriumphant]

Oh man, I'm currently on the opposite side of this equation. My best male friend has started dropping hints that he wants more, and frankly it sucks. I think of this guy as a brother and the idea of him wanting me makes me feel a little like vomiting.

My great fear it that he'll decide to openly declare his feelings for me.

Now that I've shared all that horribly dicouraging stuff, here's some advice.

Stick with nonverbal flirting at first, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, serious eye contact, gently stroking her hand, etc...

Watch carefully to she how she responds. If she withdrawls or recoils, just give it up. It's hopeless. If she meets you halfway, smiles, blushes, acts extra cute, then you can consider ramping it up to verbal flirting and hint dropping.

[valhensing]

Oh man, I'm currently on the opposite side of this equation. My best male friend has started dropping hints that he wants more, and frankly it sucks. I think of this guy as a brother and the idea of him wanting me makes me feel a little like vomiting.

My great fear it that he'll decide to openly declare his feelings for me.

Now that I've shared all that horribly dicouraging stuff, here's some advice.

Stick with nonverbal flirting at first, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, serious eye contact, gently stroking her hand, etc...

Watch carefully to she how she responds. If she withdrawls or recoils, just give it up. It's hopeless. If she meets you halfway, smiles, blushes, acts extra cute, then you can consider ramping it up to verbal flirting and hint dropping.

God!!!! being a guy is so lucky, so easy to drop hints.........

[nycguy]

Oh man, I'm currently on the opposite side of this equation. My best male friend has started dropping hints that he wants more, and frankly it sucks. I think of this guy as a brother and the idea of him wanting me makes me feel a little like vomiting.

My great fear it that he'll decide to openly declare his feelings for me.

Can you give me some insight as to why you feel that way you do. This is what I"m having trouble with dealing with.

First of all, if he tells you how he feels, why is that your greatest fear? If you two have a strong and close relationship, you should be able to talk about it and deal with it maturely one way or the other.

Secondly, why does it make you want to vomit? This is what I could never understand about girls. You may very close friends, but you know that in reality he's not really your brother and it's just a perception thing in your head. If two people have an amazing friendship and they clearly see themselves as compatible, why not in fact go for it? What better foundation is there to a relationship than that?

You're friend zoned right now. My best advice to you would be spend some time not hanging out with her for a while in order to give her a fresh perspective on you.

Yeah I've been told to use that technique before. Withdraw and let her miss me. Does that actually work though? The thought of not communicating with her for more than a day or two kills me.

[valhensing]

Yeah I've been told to use that technique before. Withdraw and let her miss me. Does that actually work though? The thought of not communicating with her for more than a day or two kills me.

It's works. If you love her and want her to love you, it's the only thing will help you

[nycguy]

It's works. If you love her and want her to love you, it's the only thing will help you

Bah this sucks. On the one side I get advice saying to distance myself from her and let her come to me. On the other side I get advice saying to do more fun things with her.

This sucks

[Di741111]

Friendship can last forever, but if you turn it into a relationship, better think about if it is worth it, cause if you turn this into a relationship, youll destroy the friendship.
Because now that your friends with each other, you can talk about anything and do stuff together, maybe if you guys become lovers, you won't be as close as before (when you were friends)
so think this through, see if it worth it. If you think you really IN LOVE with her, then go ahead tell her, see how that goes.
but again, think this through, cause it's a big rist to take (losing your best friend)

[Heratriumphant]

Can you give me some insight as to why you feel that way you do. This is what I"m having trouble with dealing with.

First of all, if he tells you how he feels, why is that your greatest fear? If you two have a strong and close relationship, you should be able to talk about it and deal with it maturely one way or the other.

Secondly, why does it make you want to vomit? This is what I could never understand about girls. You may very close friends, but you know that in reality he's not really your brother and it's just a perception thing in your head. If two people have an amazing friendship and they clearly see themselves as compatible, why not in fact go for it? What better foundation is there to a relationship than that?

I'm afraid of an open declaration because I would end up really hurting my friend because I would turn him down and our friendship would be forever altered. Right now I'm really just hoping this is a phase he's going through, and will get over.

No he isn't my brother, but perception is everything. He's someone I thought I would never have to worry about in that way.

Dating/sex is like walking through a field of landmines for women. While your wondering if a chick wants you, we're wondering "does he want me", "is he going to try to slip me a ruffie", "is he the type that could get violent","am a sending cues that could put me in danger" it's a tough balancing act. When we can trust a guy is in the "bro" catagorie we breath a sigh of relief, and want him to stay there.

Lastly, what I'm looking for in a mate and what I'm looking for in my friend really is different. So for me while my friend is an awesome guy even if he wasn't in the friend zone I'd still never date him.

[pisces7378]

Don't try to make any sense of it. I saw you asking Heratriumphant about why this and why that... forget it. That is a total waste of time and energy. You will NEVER understand it. It is the basic difference between men and women. Men think. Women feel. It is that simple.

Sure women can think. They can become CEOs of fortune 500 companies, balance budgets, decipher between right and wrong in court cases... and anything a man can do.

And Sure men can feel. We can cry at movies, be moved by an appeal to our sense of empathy, be happy when we hear a group of children playing on a playground, appreciate the beauty of a sunset or a rose bed.

But when you dig down to the under-evolved primitive lizard brain that we all have driving us along... men use quantitative logic to make decisions based on the evidence we have in front of us. While women use intuition, evolutionary signals, and basically they just go with their gut.

This is why you hear women use words like, "that spark, certain chemistry, butterflies in the stomach, that certain something..." and so on. Now, I am speaking strictly about attraction here. I am not talking about love. Love is an entirely different thing in which men use their gut, and women use logic, and vice versa, and everything gets much more complex and intertwined.

I am talking about, basically you have a friend that you are attracted to, and you want her to be attracted to you sexually. You two are already "in love" in some form or fashion. You just want to force that love into what you feel is normal love between a man and a woman who are sexually attracted to each other. And I feel you on that brother, I really do.

My advice to you is to take a HUGE step back. Stop talking to her completely. Fall off the face of the Earth. Don't be rude or try to hurt her. And don't make an ass of yourself by like ignoring her texts or ignoring her phone calls. Just don't text her, and don't call her. And if you do have to talk to her, keep it to short informational conversations in which you say you are very busy, and need to be getting along.

No more Dinner and a Movie dates. No more DVD's on the couch. No more study sessions or coffee shops. Chop that shit off right now. You are lucky because you are both in your early 20s, which means both of your attention spans are less than an episode of the Simpsons. So if you manage to do this, and sever most all contact for a good solid two months, and then you contact her with an obvious intent for a sexual relationship, then you will have essentially pressed a reset button on the Friend Zone.

Now, here is the kicker. During this period of No Contact, you can't just sit in your apartment and pine away, counting the days until 2 months is up. You will look like a chump, and you will BE a chump. You need to do some serious self-evaluation. Why do you want your relationship to change? Are you just being selfish? (yes!!!), and above all, you need to work on yourself.

I can only imagine that you either have more female friends than male, or at least you value your friendships with females more than you do with your bros. I'm sure you have SOME guy friends, but you seem like one of those guys that just seems to get along better with girls.

STOP THAT!!!! Stop that right now. Guys that spend too much time with girls, put them on pedestals. You expect too much from women and femininity in general. Women are great, sure. But other than your sister and your mother, you might need to seriously think about what too much exposure to women does to you.

Go to the game with the guys. You don't have to go all out, and start hitting up the strip clubs and turning into an all out frat boy. But you should spend five nights out with the boys for every one "dinner and a movie" with some girl, or worse yet, a gang of girls. Hanging out with girls absolutely CONDITIONS YOU for the friend zone.

Boys will be boys. Go be a ****ing boy!

[pisces7378]

When we can trust a guy is in the "bro" catagorie we breath a sigh of relief, and want him to stay there.

Lastly, what I'm looking for in a mate and what I'm looking for in my friend really is different. So for me while my friend is an awesome guy even if he wasn't in the friend zone I'd still never date him.

This is a long letter, but I think everyone should read it...

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship
BY KIMBERLY PRUITT

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

[nycguy]

When we can trust a guy is in the "bro" catagorie we breath a sigh of relief, and want him to stay there.

The way I see it, there is no better foundation for a relationship than someone in that category. It just makes sense. IF two close friends have all the qualities they want in an OS, they should make the leap and get it out of their heads that they shouldnt be with each other because they're like a brother/sister. Who better to be with than someone you know long and trust completely?

Ironically, my friend has said herself, that while she recognizes the dangers, she believes a close friendship is a strong foundation for a relationship. This is why I'm so confused. Where is the line then between a close friendship that would be a good foundation, and a close friendship that is like a brother?

This isn't the 1st time I've been in this situation. It's the 3rd. The first time I developed feelings for a very close friend and couldn't get her out of my mind. She was the one who taught me what love feels like. I never told her how I felt though. I was afraid telling her would push her away, and more importantly I knew that despite how I felt for her, we were not compatible at all in that way. And I was right. Today we are not close at all due to friendship conflicts that resulted from those personality incompatibilities.

Then the 2nd time I fell for another very close friend. I also never told her how I felt because I didn't meet her criteria for a SO, she and I were not completely compatible (though a lot moreso than the other girl), and she wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle me telling her how I felt without it affecting our relationship. Today we're still close friends but my feelings for her have vanished.

This time around it's different. This time I see as being totally compatible (and she agrees), and I see the chance of her being scared away as very small. Yet before I go for it, I want to spend some time trying to alter her perception of me, like I said before.