girlfriend hooked up with friend

[ctom18]

I've been with this girl for about 5-6 months. Things have been going great. I have no complaints about the relationship, and it is in fact one of, if not the, best relationship I've ever been in. I'm 27, so I'm at least old enough to realize that this is in fact a very good relationship and that it's not just the head-over-heels feeling you get all the time when you are 16.

Now for the problem...

I recently found out that one of my really good friends (we'll call him Al) had sex with my girlfriend (we'll call her Sue) in a bathroom at a party that I was at a few days before we got together. Al has a girlfriend that he has been dating for 3 years, but Sue didn't know that at the time.

Sue also made out with Al at a party Al and I were both at soon after we both met her (we met her at the same time).

This happened right before we started dating, but I just found out about it now.

During our relationship, Sue and I have been very good friends with Al and his girlfriend (I have been for a long time), and have hung out with them often.

My issue is basically three-fold:

1) I am extremely jealous, because I think Sue actually liked Al the most, and I highly doubt we would be together if Al didn't have a girlfriend. She assures me that this is not true, that she liked me the most the whole time, and that she only hooked up with Al because she was lonely and craved the attention (she's on medication for depression). They were also both quite drunk, and this is another reason she states.

I'm not sure that adds up. I was at both parties, and if she really liked me the most, she would have spent her time and energy flirting with me. That's what I have always done if I've had a huge crush on one particular girl and she was at a party I'm at.

2)I can't believe she can so easily shrug aside the face that Al cheated on his girlfriend with her and become friends with him and her. She feels no real obligation to tell Al's girlfriend what happened even though she considers themselves friends.

3)I can't believe I have the type of girlfriend that has sex in the bathroom of a party with a guy she barely knows.

Some may say that maybe she's cheating on me with him or with someone else, but I know she's not. That's not an issue.

I've been really upset about this and we've gotten into several arguments about it.

Given the fact that our relationship has been nothing but great, am I being unreasonable for getting this upset about this? I found out about it roughly 3 weeks ago, and we still have an argument about it every few days, always prompted by me. Am I being unfair to her by constantly questioning her about something that happened before we officially got together? This girl really loves me and treats me well, and I really love her, and I don't want to lose her over petty details, but I'm not sure how petty these details are. It's hard for me to be objective about the situation, so that's where everyone else comes in.

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read and respond. I really appreciate it.

(I plan to make whether or not I should tell Al's girlfriend that he cheated on her the subject of another post. One issue at a time.)

[azilin]

You sound pretty insecure. Also pretty good at picking the women -- what do you expect from a depressed alcoholic? Her story adds up pretty well to me.

If she's faithful to you now and it's over between her and Al then what's the problem? If you have a moral objection to her promiscuity, then do what you need to do about that. Break up with her because you can't respect her. Otherwise ... quitcha complainin'. Besides, I have a sneaking notion that you wouldn't have minded at all if she had sex with YOU at the party -- another guy who, at that point, she barely knew. So don't go all judgmental on her.

Now if she has drunken bathroom sex with Al or someone else while she's in a committed relationship with you, then that's another story. You can feel betrayed then.

As for her not telling Al's GF ... when is that her (or your) responsibility? Let Al's GF figure out her own relationship. What Al tells his GF or not is his business.

[skratchmo]

..........

[Dogtoast]

ehhhh you might be a little insecure....and Azilin is probably right....if you fuc$ed your GF in the bathroom you wouldnt be complaining. BUT you'd still probably be thinking....damn this bitch fuc$ed me in the damn bathroom. I'd be thinking the same thing kinda......but I've also been called insecure...so we might just be two insecure pussies?

I personally wouldn't be able to shake that probably...the whole bangin' dudes in bathrooms thing. A good point was made though....if she ain't cheating on you...then whats it really matter, but if you can't get over it....quit wasting each other's time.

[qwertz]

I'll tell you now, you shouldnt tell Als girlfriend. Its none of your business really.

[lilly1185]

I'll tell you now, you shouldnt tell Als girlfriend. Its none of your business really.

And if theyve been together for a while, she is not like to believe you anyhow.
Or they've already talked about it and agreed to get over it. Again, not your business, unless you have been sleeping with HER

Meanwhile, if you can't believe your girlfriend is the type to have sex in a bathroom at a party, don't date girls at parties.

You're upset because she wasn't flirting with you. If you didn't even KNOW
"Al" had had sex with her at the party, you obviously weren't at his side the whole time. What were YOU doing at the party? While she may have liked you, and alcohol can do some weird things to the brain, she might have given up because your attentions were focused on someone else. And she figured she may not bother with you.

Personally, I'd break up with her and find someone else. I mean, she isn't gonna stay with you if you're THAT insecure. And you are obviously not comfortable crossing swords.

[cmacattack1]

There's no real security in a relationship of six months anyway. There is only security in yourself.

[Gigabitch]

1)... she only hooked up with Al because she was lonely and craved the attention (she's on medication for depression). They were also both quite drunk, and this is another reason she states.

Eeeew.

2)I can't believe she can so easily shrug aside the face that Al cheated on his girlfriend with her and become friends with him and her. She feels no real obligation to tell Al's girlfriend what happened even though she considers themselves friends.

Double eeew.

3)I can't believe I have the type of girlfriend that has sex in the bathroom of a party with a guy she barely knows.

Um, triple eeew. Okay, maybe I'm "insecure" too, but I would find all of these things quite objectionable.

What are you looking for with this girl. Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now? There's a big difference. IMO, you could never marry someone with this kind of baggage, so if you want her for anything more than a warm body to sleep next to, I'd kick her to the curb.

Oh, and by the way, what the hell kind of buddy is Al if he never told you he banged your gf?

[girl68]

A druken mistake at a party, or club should be over looked. I think we've all made similar mistakes.

She didn't know Al had a gf, it's not HER fault, it's his... she did NOTHING wrong.

So basically you judged her for having sex with a random. Either get over it, or dump her. She was single and allowed to sleep with whomever she wants and wherever.

Yes you're wrong for questioning her so much. She shouldn't have to take that crap from you. She can't take it back, and getting mad at her isn't going to make it go away.

So she had a little fun before she met you... you found out and you're crying about it. If that incident tainted her that much just be done with her. If you love her as much as you claim to put the past where it belongs.

Yes, the cheating and not telling the gf IS another issue. However, you're in the know so the same could be appiled to you about not telling. You are also friends with Al's gf and you're still not telling... what's that say about you as a friend? (For the record I don't think either of you should tell her). But you certainly shouldn't be judging her for not telling when you aren't either.

[flea]

it happened before you got together.....can't hold that against her.

as for your friend and his infidelity towards his gf, don't EVER screw a buddy and tell his gf about his mistakes. this makes you a dog imo, and not worthy of sniffing the shit from under my shoes. I've had this happen to me (by multiple 'friends'), and even before this, wouldn't even consider betraying a friend like that.

I understand where you're coming from, you just want to get him back because you're feeling down, but if you want to keep your friend, don't even think about it. and if you really can't get over the whole thing - piss her off.

[Gigabitch]

I want all of you to ask yourselves how you would feel if you found out that your SO screwed one of your friends and then kept it from you until now.

[Perryville]

WOW, Ctom, NONE of you are being honest, except Al's GF. You know about Al and your Gf's hookup, but won't tell his GF. Al is your "friend," but never told you he boinked your GF, and your GF won't tell his GF either. I think that you all deserve each other. I really would not worry about who your GF screwed, before you started your relationship, unless it turns out that she boinked another "friend".

[mrkleen]

Next .

[flea]

I want all of you to ask yourselves how you would feel if you found out that your SO screwed one of your friends and then kept it from you until now.

it's one of those things that shouldn't have come out at all, but now that it has, sure there's going to be some fallout. however, feeling bad because something upsetting has happened to you gives you no right to go and mess things up for others. if his friend isn't doing the right thing by his gf, that's NONE of his goddamn business.

come to think of it, he doesn't say how he found out...



just to be clear giga, finding this out would tear me up a bit I'd imagine - but I would probably be a caveman and take these issues up physically with my so-called friend.

[Perryville]

I agree with Flea, Al needs a fat lip.