In so much pain

[michaelarwas]

Hi everyone,

well i have no idea where to start with this i really dont. i guess with a bit of background. I am 19 years old and met sophie in june last year at work. I had just finished boarding school and was starting a job as a waiter. I met her in the kitchen and she took my breath away.

Very quickly we fell in incredible, passionate love. She loved me so insanely much and last year it was her who loved me more than i loved her. We spent every day together, i mean every day for six months. In December last year i made her pregant, we had an abortion that damaged us both an incredible amount. We had already talked about the possibilities of a future together. However i was never there enough emotionally, our parents pressured me to make sure we had an abortion rather than kept the baby. I think she still blames me to this day.

Anyway our love remained, we would fight a lot but loved each other so much that it would never matter. We spent a beautiful summer together, went to france and just were so happy to be together. Then this september we went back to university in leeds for our second year and something changed in her. She no longer loved me with the same passion, before it was incomprehensible for us to break up. But she broke up with me, broke my heart. However i knew she never really wanted for us to be over, there was too much love. We got back together and she said she would never hurt me again, she promised.

But last week she broke up with me again, told me she no longer was in love with me and wanted me to move on and get over her. I cant begin to tell you the pain taht caused me, i nearly ended my life, i love her and missed her so incredibly much and feel that i cant be without her. I mean it, you all probably think that this was just a young fling, i can swear to you its not. Its the real thing. Anyway, yesterday she phoned me in the morning and was being her again, her old cute self.

We went for a coffee and spent a lovely day together. We went into christmas shops and looked at cards. She wanted me to look at babies and to think thats how we were going to be. She told me she loved 8 times and kissed me and held me like she was so sorry for letting me go. We went back to her house and just watched films and cudded.

Then she looked at my phone and saw a text from another girl who really is only a friend and went crazy. She slapped me 8 times, through me out, blocked me on facebook and on her phone. She sent me a text saying "i cant believe it after everything, i burnt the book you made me and have gone to birmingham." She lied about birmingham for some reason (she never left her house). Today she has ignored me completely, i went round to her house to try and talk to her and got my mum to ring her.

All of a sudden its over again, she doesnt love me and wants me to get over her. I just dont understand, yesterday she was her again, today its completely different and i just dont understand. I havent got with anyone since she broke up with me and just dotn understand how her jealousy can suddenly turn into her actually not loving me, blocking me out of her life completely, emotionally torturing me and thoroughly crushing my already broken heart. How can she do it like this? What is she trying to do? Please help

[REKEN65]

I work in the health field. What you both need to do is talk to a counselor. she's experiencing severe trauma from the abortion. So until she gets her emotions out to a professional, she's going to have a series of breakdowns and mixed emotions. Good luck to both of you

[Chazza2k]

Im sorry your going through this it sounds like the two of you have been through a very difficult time. The stress and strain of the abortion and the fact perhaps she felt pressurised into a decission rather than making her own could be a very important factor in how your relationship developed and started to have troubles. Once a decission is made and taken people then have to live with the conseqences of how they feel about that decission.

I must agree with REKEN65 here I think she is having a very difficult time in comming to terms with the decission that was taken. She needs to talk to someone to help her address things, best to be a professional concilor. This will help her address the emotions she is feeling towards all aspects of her life.

I see you are having difficulties trying to understand the complete change of feelings almost without any warning at all from her and it must be very confusing to you too. I know like most the kind of thoughts that go through your head when things don't make any sense but remember your not alone in dealing with this, posting here is a positive step and talkin about it to good friends and family really does help. If you feel so down that your threating your own life I would suggest you should go to a local doctor and have him refer to you a councilor.

I think she may need some space from you to address things herself, she sounds emotionally very fragile and the slightest thing can cause her to overreact, if you continue to push her right now it could be very damaging to you both if you want to remain together. Give her the space she needs let her calm down and make some sense of things. She knows how you feel about her.

Goodluck to you both.

[michaelarwas]

wow what an incredible post. Thankyou so so much. Well she still hasnt talked to me and i know for a fact she is trying to hurt me for something. She is very unstable em otionally, her family know it but i dont think she does. Shes coming home tommorow (we live v.close) so i guess it would then be time to initiate contact. The thing is if she keeps blocking me out i can never help her for what shes feeling. Even though she has hurt me so much i still want to help her, make sure she is ok. A part of me thinks that she is sub conciously trying to get away from everything that reminds her of the hurt of our abortion. It happened this time last year and this is possibily why the fireworks have started. But i love her so much, and i know she loves me. She just doesnt know how to treat someone who loves you and that makes me very sad.

[Chazza2k]

Its very common for people to lash out when they been hurt and try to hurt the other person as much as they can, its a sign of emotional immaturity but most of us here learned that the hard way!! I learned that throughout the course of being with my Ex GF. When she ended it with me (she met someone else) I through everything at her, letters, emails, calls, TXTs it all went badly and very quickly too. She lost respect for me because I lost control of all my emotions.

I'd advise caution in trying to initiate contact with her as hurt as you both are right now, you both been through so much to keep chasing her when she needs space will alienate you both further. If you do meet up be careful of what you say, if you let your emotions take over it could all end in a huge arugment. I'm not sure you can help her with what shes feeling right now, she may not want your help, only herself and some time can help her make sense of it and perhaps a good councilor would be benifical. Like you said this time last year was the most difficult time of both of your lifes with the abortion and perhaps the whole christmas season is bringing it all back.

By giving the girl time she will come around and if she still loves you she will come back to you, I know you will feel that you have to tell her this and that and keep contacting her to make her understand but if you do and keep pushing her when she doesnt want you too you risk just pushing her away.

[michaelarwas]

hi chazza,

i have been following some of your other posts and hope you're doing ok. Im feeling quite a lot stronger now, its amazing what these places can do for you! She still hasnt contacted me, although in fairness she has only just returned home. However in some ways, having just read a long thread, im not sure she actually deserves me to be honest. Treating me like a yoyo, trying to hurt me etc, i think maybe im kidding myself into thinking shes the same person she was in the summer. Sometimes people just change and nothing you had together affects them anymore. She seems to have no care for my emotions, ive seen her adding new boys on facebook and talking to boys that i know have flirted with her in the past. That is no way to treat someone who loves you dearly and to be quite frank im starting to think that she can go **** herself. Where it is hard is that i know her behaviour is stimulated by very powerful feelings in her head which may not be her fault. Any advice on where to go from here?

[Chazza2k]

Thanks Michael I'm doing Ok, found out the Ex GF was pregnant with this new guys child a few days ago and that she had a miscarriage. That wasn't easy to hear about but thats life I guess when you run in the same friend circles as an Ex your always going to hear this stuff. Im glad your feeling stronger and this forums helped you out, it does help to talk and read about other peoples experiences.

Id agree with you about the entire change thing, my Ex litterally changed in regards to me as soon as she met this new guy, gone was the caring tone and love that was there and she became someone else. I guess your feeling something simular. The best thing to do is remove her out of your life and all the reminders, delete her phone number, emails, MSN, remove her as a friend on facebook. Every time you check her status or how she's doing is just going to make you hurt. Start to focus on yourself, do things you want, go out with m8s, join a gym or take up some hobbies, basically focus on you and not her. I can tell you still feel you can reach her but her behaviour shows that she doesn't want that from you anymore and what ever she is dealing with if she wont talk to you theres really nothing you can do. Move on as best as you can and just leave her to it, if she has second thoughts and wants you back then she will come back to you. Then it will be up to you if you want her back.

[michaelarwas]

well thought i was doing well but have taken two steps back. looked at her facebook and turns out a guy that has been hitting on her lives where we do and shes going to see him tommorow. How can she do this? I cant explain how i feel except sick. I cant tell you how much she loved me and now suddenly shes changed. how do i get over this, how do i put her out my mind, how do i do this?

[lhn]

Michael... u are unfortunately going to go through a horrible time. I have just been through the same thing. And i know what u mean when u say you feel sick. It took me about 4mths (and still not fully over it) to stop that feeling.

The first thing you need to do is realise you don't have to watch this happen. Remove her from your facebook. It took me about an hour of lookin at the button to actually go through with it but omg it took away a horrible part of my split.
Do it, you will feel a tiny bit better otherwise you will constantly go on there for updates that you really dont need to be seeing.

Its so horrible that the person you love the most, treats you as if it was all a lie. Just remember it wasn't a lie. You did mean something to her. Its just that some relationships last longer than others and some last forever.

its so hard and I really feel for you. Horrible place to be feeling like you are constantly licking wounds that wont heal. Things will get better, it just takes time.

[michaelarwas]

exactly lhn. ive began to question whether there really is true love. i also think to myself that i will never be over her and will never meet anyone else and am scared that i wont open up again. its just sods law that as soon as she breaks up with me and is feeling in secure some twa* happens to live right near us. why cant the women that leave us be strong enough to be on their own for a while?

[lhn]

Well it has literally taken me 4 mths to feel kinda normal. 4 mths to accept things and 4 mths to believe I don't think I love her anymore. Not like before anyway.

There is no one on this planet that will make you feel good right now. It doesn't matter what people say because at the end of the day, in a weird way, you want to be miserable and miss them and cry for them. Its natural and it's because we care.

All the feelings towards never feeling happy again etc is also natural. Being heartbroken is a dark place and takes a long time to come out of it.

[IndiReloaded]

Didn't you post this question already in another thread?

[michaelarwas]

yes to be fair i did but then i realised i would get better answers in here where people know how you feel. Sorry.

[michaelarwas]

Just an update. Well she phoned me today and ended being just being plain nasty. She said she slept with someone 2 days after she broke up with me, told me it wasnt just a one night stand and she knew them. She told me that she never loved me was just infatuated with me, blackmailed me into letting her keep a special ring i got her (in my mind it was kind of an engagement ring or at least a sing of things to come) by saying that she would delete all our pictures of facebook and take them off her wall and would take every single thing she ever gave me. Said that she doesnt want me in her life for a very long time etc etc. Back to square bloody one, will this ever end?

[Chazza2k]

Sorry to hear that michael, shes got hurt somewhere and is trying to hurt you back the best thing you can do is stay away from her. Sounds like your phone conversation went exactly the same way as me and my Ex final coffee meet. I had the Ex tell me the same, "I didn't really love you at all" when she met someone else but to be honest I think its rubbish. I know how it feels and its crushing, it makes you question the whole relationship in retrospect was she lying from the start? etc etc dont fall for it. She in all likelyhood did for a time, maybe not anymore but by saying that to you she is just trying to hurt you and distance herself from you. Becareful with the further emotional blackmail, whatever she deletes off of facebook you still have your memories of things and they will stay with you, best way to play that game is don't take part and leave her do whatever she want to do. She will anyway...

You went through alot with this girl, you had good times and badtimes together the most important thing is to learn from them. You may feel so much is unresolved and that if she'd only let you back into her life things would be different, my favourite was that if only i could travel back in time to this or that moment things would be sooo different... who knows but we cannot and I wasted months pondering the what ifs. She told you she slept with someone else and doesnt want to be with you or love you, things have changed now. I think the only way for you is forward. It would be very difficult to establish any trust with her ever again and she would have no respect for you if she called and you went back to her.

You need time and distance, I still struggle for distance with the Ex (lots of our friends overlap, I was drinking with her brother yesterday and she living in a flat upstairs, we didnt speak once) but realise that it does make things that much harder. I went through the phoney "we'll still be friends thing" to being totally ignored to finally realising we are well and truely over with. You may be tempted to ask her to meet up, call her again or txt, I made the same mistakes over and over, everytime it makes you feel worse.

I'd advise you go NC (No contact) delete all her numbers,msn,remove her as a friend on facebook (very important getting daily updates on her new relationship is never good for you!!) get her out of your life and thoughts. Focus on yourself, work, school, anything that makes you happy, have a bit of fun with m8s get out and about. Wont be easy but in time the pain eases and becomes less overwelming, your also that much smarter for the next relationship.

Hope this helps.