The steely exterior ex-GF's put up after a break up

[lahnnabell]

I know... I'm sorry it's so difficult. Maybe you should put a silly poster on your ceiling. Or even a quote that might make you feel better. A little pick-me-up, inspirational thing.

Despite my will to be over the sadness as soon as possible, when I'm alone and grieving I like to pull my most loved things closest to me. My friends for one thing. My stuffed Stitch. Lots of dark chocolate. Funny movies. South Park streamed online (love them for doing this).

I also began to benefit from making goal lists and crossing things off every day. And I started a blog in order to rant about all that was going on in my brain.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah you should definately listen to her. Throughout my current break up process I don't think I made a serious conscious effort and three months later it still is painful. Getting into a routine is helpful and working out like a mother****er is important (although I guess seeing her there doesn't help). Accepting that it's over and not banking on the fact that she still cares and will "come around" is a big deal too. I know it's stating the obvious but I honestly don't think I have really accepted it yet and that has been a big part of me hanging on to it.

It's ridiculous and borderline unfair how easy it is for a girl to replace a guy and they can have their pick of guys lining up. However, there isn't any true fulfillment and satisfaction there and it will take a string of guys dicking her over for her to hopefully figure out that maybe there is something that she is doing or something about her actions and decisions that factor into this.

Being with somebody at all times is not really healthy either. Having a need to be codependant on somebody is incredibly unhealthy. I think the secret to having true happiness is in a relationship is that you don't need them to be happy but you want them because they make you more happy. If you need somebody to be happy, then there is something wrong there.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Wow. Just keeps getting better for me.

After 5 weeks of basic silence, I get a series of raging, cursing text messages accusing me of feeding information to some guys who frequent a strip club where her trainer's ex-fiance works. For people who follow my story, remember last week some people I'm acquainted with at our gym pulled me aside to tell me that my ex- was dating her trainer now.

Apparently these guys were telling the stripper that her ex- was now dating my ex- .......and that in doing so he had "downgraded" ..... she apparently called him to confront him on all of this. So that's when the texts started flying my way.

Her texts were nasty. Telling me I better stop feeding people information and shut my friends up, they don't know what they have coming to them. I finally decided I'm not texting about this so I called. I had to raise my voice a few times but reiterated to her house stupid that all sounds. Me, the guy in pain, the guy who's still in love, the guy who thought about proposing is "feeding" these guys? Feeding them what? Why the f- would I do that? They acted on their own accord. I'm sure they're doing it just to get in the stripper's good graces. And they're not even my friends, just people I know from the gym. Everyone knows everyone in there. It's not rocket science here. I also told her how I couldn't believe how she could go 5 weeks without saying a word to me and then all of the sudden come out cussing like that.

I thought it was cute how in the middle of the conversation she calls her trainer's ex- a "psycho stripper" when, while we were together, I explained how I cautious I was about my girl being around strippers all the time. You wouldn't believe how many former and current ex-strippers are involved in competitive fitness. It was "Oh you don't know them, you're being too judgmental." At one point I actually felt a little guilty, maybe I was being too judgmental of people all the time.

Most importantly, I explained to her what I don't get here is what does this all matter? How is this disrupting anything between her and the trainer. What does it matter what some guys at a strip club say to his ex-? He can just choose to not answer her calls. We were back at the issue again - is my ex- dating her trainer? She kept saying that's not what's important, but no .... that's not what's important here. I said just tell me so that I can move on, unlike her I didn't get a chance to weeks before the relationship was actually over. I told her it's important because this has the look and the feel of the fox in the hen house, a guy I trusted my girlfriend around for 4 months.

She still wouldn't admit it. She did apologize for cursing at me and coming at me all wrong. Though.

WTF.

[Moe]

I was sort of on the other end of the stick, my Ex.'s new crack head B/F was sitting at her work place for hours on end telling stories about me. All 100% false. Not until a few friends/co-workers of mine who are regulars heard them using my name did I get mad. They knew me and new it was B/S so they told me.
I did confront the Ex. and she said I was full of it of course until I mentioned a few things that turned out to be true she clammed up. How old are we anyway. LOL This women is forty and the C.H. 35. To think I loved this women and was going to marry her.
She knows I can more then take care of my self and now he don't even hang there any longer. Actually ran across him a few times and he runs away. It's actually pretty funny.

Wow. Just keeps getting better for me.

After 5 weeks of basic silence, I get a series of raging, cursing text messages accusing me of feeding information to some guys who frequent a strip club where her trainer's ex-fiance works. For people who follow my story, remember last week some people I'm acquainted with at our gym pulled me aside to tell me that my ex- was dating her trainer now.

Apparently these guys were telling the stripper that her ex- was now dating my ex- .......and that in doing so he had "downgraded" ..... she apparently called him to confront him on all of this. So that's when the texts started flying my way.

Her texts were nasty. Telling me I better stop feeding people information and shut my friends up, they don't know what they have coming to them. I finally decided I'm not texting about this so I called. I had to raise my voice a few times but reiterated to her house stupid that all sounds. Me, the guy in pain, the guy who's still in love, the guy who thought about proposing is "feeding" these guys? Feeding them what? Why the f- would I do that? They acted on their own accord. I'm sure they're doing it just to get in the stripper's good graces. And they're not even my friends, just people I know from the gym. Everyone knows everyone in there. It's not rocket science here. I also told her how I couldn't believe how she could go 5 weeks without saying a word to me and then all of the sudden come out cussing like that.

I thought it was cute how in the middle of the conversation she calls her trainer's ex- a "psycho stripper" when, while we were together, I explained how I cautious I was about my girl being around strippers all the time. You wouldn't believe how many former and current ex-strippers are involved in competitive fitness. It was "Oh you don't know them, you're being too judgmental." At one point I actually felt a little guilty, maybe I was being too judgmental of people all the time.

Most importantly, I explained to her what I don't get here is what does this all matter? How is this disrupting anything between her and the trainer. What does it matter what some guys at a strip club say to his ex-? He can just choose to not answer her calls. We were back at the issue again - is my ex- dating her trainer? She kept saying that's not what's important, but no .... that's not what's important here. I said just tell me so that I can move on, unlike her I didn't get a chance to weeks before the relationship was actually over. I told her it's important because this has the look and the feel of the fox in the hen house, a guy I trusted my girlfriend around for 4 months.

She still wouldn't admit it. She did apologize for cursing at me and coming at me all wrong. Though.

WTF.

[TimeToGrowUp]

It's fitting that "Bruce Almighty" would come on TV tonight..... to remind me how I got here in the first place.

[cmacattack1]

Not a bad sign to hear that she is still talking to you and you put your foot down and she did some apologizing as unpleasant as the conversation is. Any attempt to contact you on her end shows that she still cares a little bit.

For those that see a relationship in turmoil as a power struggle, that might be the equivalent of taking some power back since when she dumped you, she had it.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Not a bad sign to hear that she is still talking to you and you put your foot down and she did some apologizing as unpleasant as the conversation is. Any attempt to contact you on her end shows that she still cares a little bit.

For those that see a relationship in turmoil as a power struggle, that might be the equivalent of taking some power back since when she dumped you, she had it.

Well it's for sure over. She's with him.

We ended up talking more thru text messaging yesterday. It was a far better talk. I was able to get a lot of my chest. I finally pulled it out of her though. She tried to "soften" it. She told me that prior to our break up, her and her trainer were strictly platonic friends, that something didn't happen until last week. And for some reason she decided to throw in there "I haven't slept with him" ...... I don't even know where that comment came from, I had neither asked nor wanted to know. And it's not like she'd tell me the truth anyways. I mean she scolded me last week when I approached her maturely and calmly like an adult to find out if the rumor of her and her trainer was true. She denied, denied, denied, denied. She made me feel like sh*t for asking.

She said she didn't cheat on me. It's funny because my other two relationships I had been in ended because they were cheating with their supposed "best friends"..... people I accepted and interacted with. My ex- knows how deep a chord those experiences struck with me. They were the reason I took no woman seriously for nearly 6 years. I didn't want to feel that hurt ever again. ............but c'mon, the seed obviously had been planted far before we broke up. It's common sense here. She was around this guy all day long training. This was a guy I had "accepted" and invested so much trust and appreciation for in regards to how much better he had her feeling about her body. I overlooked the fact of how "addicting" I'm sure that feeling was. Especially in light of areas I needed to work on with her. The ol' fox in the hen house.

After 4.5 years, I have far more respect for a person than to let them do the death walk for weeks or months before a break up. I also have more old fashioned sensibilities. All relationships are work, I'm not foolish enough to think I can just end all that time invested and immediately jump into something else and think everything's solved. That's what's so convenient about this for her. I get to sit here and learn a lesson and know I could've been more passionate/intimate. She gets to enjoy her escape plan: a 39 year old small gym fitness trainer who was previously engaged to a stripper. My ex- is 28. I don't know what I'm supposed to make of that. I find it funny that prior to this, she used to stick up for his ex- the stripper. She used to scold me for being too judgmental. It became something I wanted to work on for her, being more accepting of people in her life. Now she hates the girl and calls her trash. Ummmmm wait a minute - didn't your new man almost MARRY that girl? What does that say about him?

I'm sure most men come out smelling like roses compared to a girl's boyfriend when she's questioning the relationship, what she's actually getting out of it, and where it's going. Sometimes I think people overlook the obvious. My commitment to the girl should've been unquestioned after 4.5 years and the desire to "work thru" things instead of run from them should've been amicable. For me this was my first LTR. I'm now 30 and prrior to this I had a 9 month'er when I was 18 and a 7 month'er when I was 20. There were things to learn and layers to be peeled.

[lhn]

Hi,

I've been away from the boards for a week or so but try to pay attention to the 'heartbroken' section inparticular. I've read some of your posts (although its tough to catch up on xmas day) and there are a lot of similarities with your story to my own. My ex is now dating her fitness instructor and like you said, you always put your trust in them that nothing is brewing - no trust, no relationship right?!?!

Bah... shortly after our split she has bajillions of me men floundering her facebook page and all the rest of it.
It makes me feel sick she is with someone who I know and who I used to consider a friend.

One day they're your one and only. The next day they don't want to know you and are already a month down 'break up street'.

SOrry to hear your story. Its such a crap part of life. 4.5yrs... jeez. tough break.

[cmacattack1]

She's still got alot of growing up to do. I think it might be harder for women as they have a pretty easy pick getting somebody to fill the void, even if it's a downgrade.

The fact that she is still saying things like "I didn't cheat on you and I haven't slept with him" are just funny to me. What is she trying to prove? To you? The person she just shat on? Sounds like somebody feels pretty guilty.

I feel that if she was assertive she could just tell you that she doesn't care about you anymore. Or the fact that you had to get it out of her might not be an answer she wanted but just put on the spot basically. Hopefully by doing this you have demonstrated you won't be that cushion.

I wouldn't be surprised that if what she's doing didn't work in the future she'd contact you again. Future could mean years. That's the beauty of having a cushion. To know that everything's okay even when what you are doing doesn't work out.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Hi,

I've been away from the boards for a week or so but try to pay attention to the 'heartbroken' section inparticular. I've read some of your posts (although its tough to catch up on xmas day) and there are a lot of similarities with your story to my own. My ex is now dating her fitness instructor and like you said, you always put your trust in them that nothing is brewing - no trust, no relationship right?!?!

Bah... shortly after our split she has bajillions of me men floundering her facebook page and all the rest of it.
It makes me feel sick she is with someone who I know and who I used to consider a friend.

One day they're your one and only. The next day they don't want to know you and are already a month down 'break up street'.

SOrry to hear your story. Its such a crap part of life. 4.5yrs... jeez. tough break.

" One day they're your one and only. The next day they don't want to know you and are already a month down 'break up street'."

This part of it all is what is so very upsetting to me. I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't work that way and don't understand how someone who I shared love with could either. I'm sure she's probably using her little cute voice with him, saying all the things she used to say to me to him...... the jaded side of me feels like it invalidates all the times I used to be the recipient. It feels like it meant nothing. It feels like it's applicable to whomever gets those chemicals in her brain runnin'.

The fact that it's her trainer is probably the worse scenario I can probably think of. I should've been on Defcon 1 the moment she started up.

[w3llborn]

Yea my girlfriend did the same thing with a co-worker. She came begging to me on Christmas Eve when we exchanged gifts that we already bought for each other, that she did not cheat on me and that she still cares about me a lot. Then I bring up the whole thing about this co-workers status that said "I knew i could just wait for you and you would come to me, i love you" and that was a week before she broke up with me, so what was i supposed to think? And then today i just said Merry Christmas to her and she was like OK NOW IM PISSED, DONT MESSAGE ME! i love how they can go from being all nice to you to hating you in less than 15 hours, wtf. ive had enough of it and dont even want to be friends if she does.

[cmacattack1]

For Time:

I feel terrible for the last post, it kind of gives you false hope which is not what you need right now. You need space from her and the relationship, not false hope to "get back together". If anything you would want to start a new relationship with her down the line if you still have the same feelings.

Yeah, it sucks you didn't pick up on it sooner, but even if you did talk to her and did everything you could to make it right, there was no guarentee that it would have lasted anyway. Finding out what you need to do and obeying what she wanted can't get you very far. What's done is done and you can't change it. It's sounds like she wouldn't have been honest anyway.

The fact that she is using the same things to talk to somebody new is just evidence that she is content the way she is and doesn't feel she needs to change. Using the same tried and true formula she has perfected over the years. You don't want to be back with that same person, you know she has lots of flaws to work on.

For Willborn:

That's why any action on her part has to be taken at face value. Reading into an action more than exchanging a Christmas gift is just going to kill you in the long run. You are going to want to talk to her, and she will more than likely get pissed as she already know she has you as a cushion and will come to you whenever it's convienient.

Just from my repeated attempts at contact, I don't think it's a good idea to read more into it than what it is. She wanted to exchange a gift, was friendly, that's it. Talking about the relationship won't get you anywhere. Until they bring it up, there is really not much you can do about it.

[TimeToGrowUp]

For Time:

I feel terrible for the last post, it kind of gives you false hope which is not what you need right now. You need space from her and the relationship, not false hope to "get back together". If anything you would want to start a new relationship with her down the line if you still have the same feelings.

Yeah, it sucks you didn't pick up on it sooner, but even if you did talk to her and did everything you could to make it right, there was no guarentee that it would have lasted anyway. Finding out what you need to do and obeying what she wanted can't get you very far. What's done is done and you can't change it. It's sounds like she wouldn't have been honest anyway.

I never took it like that, so no worries. In fact the last week or so all I've kept thinking about is "she's really gone" ..... Was what she was asking for too much though? It's really not. I just wished instead of getting frustrated and letting it quietly fester for a while, we had an opportunity to have a real heart to heart. If my girl looked me in the eye and said "this has to change or I'm gone" and it's not unreasonable, then I'm willing to do what it takes. In her mind though - she shouldn't have to address me like that. I see what she's saying, but isn't that what relationships are about? Communicating?

The fact that she is using the same things to talk to somebody new is just evidence that she is content the way she is and doesn't feel she needs to change. Using the same tried and true formula she has perfected over the years. You don't want to be back with that same person, you know she has lots of flaws to work on.

Well, I'm not saying she has. Maybe it's my jaded side coming out thinking about what she is doing while she's with him.......and I'm only insinuating it because of how freaking fast she's on to the next.

[lahnnabell]

In her mind though - she shouldn't have to address me like that. I see what she's saying, but isn't that what relationships are about? Communicating?

Yes, relationships are only successful when communication is flowing. How else are you to know if something is bothering her unless she makes it perfectly clear? Getting mad, stomping her feet, or giving you the silent treatment are all baby-ish ways of trying to get you to pry her for information. A grown woman would lay it out there.

Ultimatums can be scary for people though. Most likely, as you said, this girl isn't used to being alone and she wanted some sort of back-up around before she left you. Instead of standing on her own two feet, she was probably afraid that her ultimatum would fall on deaf ears and she'd be out of luck.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Decided to go and do a mall run with my long time friend. We haven't done that in years. In fact I usually don't do a whole lot during the day. The last five weeks I've gone out with my friends at night on the weekends and kicking back with a few drinks helps get my mind off things.......

............walking around the mall though, I felt like a timid animal recently re-released back into the wild. Other women still feel so alien to me. I don't feel like myself because I almost don't remember what it's like to be me when I wasn't in the relationship. I mean it's been almost 5 years.

Today is definitely a step back mentality wise. I thought I was doing fairly well the past couple of days. A month ago I was confident, I was secure in myself, and physically speaking I was feeling and looking better than I ever had because of my dedication to my workout. Since then I've dropped almost 10 pounds and I feel so lost.......so uncertain..........