The steely exterior ex-GF's put up after a break up

[lhn]

Personally I would say absolutely NOTHING. I know the temptation to start up some kind of rapport is overwhelming, even if it just so you can unload your rage, but right now how good does it feel that she has chosen to take the wrong path and even though she hurt you more than anything, she is now getting bite in the ars by mother-karma.

How sweet will it be if her trainer leaves her and she is left in the complete wilderness. I know that doesn't help you in terms of not feeling pain anymore but it will certainly make things a little sweeter for you in the long run.

Don't say anything. She hasn't been through nearly enough to warrant your attention.

[Moe]

It's disappointing that now I have to hate her. I never wanted to ever look back and remember her in the same vein of my two former serious girlfriends who both cheated on me. I suppose it'll speed up the process of moving on though.

In looking back at that text message she sent from Saturday - the guilt is setting in........and so is the reality of the situation.

Believe me I don't want to hate anyone, but.
Step back and look at what she did to you would you date a girl like that.
During our three years together she was as close to perfect as you could get much closer then me for sure. But her ugly past just popped up and she ran to it. I've never had a partner do this to me in the past and I never even disliked any before. It's all about the TRUST issue.
My ex and her new BF for some reason do nothing but talk behind my back. I know and all who know me know they are full of it so they actually are looking like the Idiots.

[cmacattack1]

I only said that he should keep it minimal because he already has been responding to the texts. But yeah, no response is what I think should be done as well. It will really let her know that you aren't there for her anymore.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I only said that he should keep it minimal because he already has been responding to the texts. But yeah, no response is what I think should be done as well. It will really let her know that you aren't there for her anymore.

I only responded once. I didn't respond to the original text she sent last Saturday. Then last night I responded with a simple "Never better". She replied back to it, but I didn't respond.

It's so hard when you're sitting here on top of a mountain of rage and sadness because you can't look back on the 4.5 years and know what was legitimate and what wasn't because of her numerous infidelities.

[lhn]

Yeh I completely relate. Only 1 year for me as opposed to your 4.5yrs but it hurts all the same.

Just sit here thinking 'when wasn't it genuine'... 'when did it all stop being real'.

Ugh. I've pretty much taught myself not to think about it.

[cmacattack1]

Nah, you still think about it whether you like it or not. We all slip up. Even though my ex blocked me from her relationship status and photos on facebook (I guess you can do that now?) I could still see she put up a photo album of her at her boyfriends 21st birthday. Probably the third time I glanced since no contact began. In all the pictures, she had a bright big smile while he was being goofy licking her face or kissing her or being all over her. The weird thing, I wasn't even that upset. Is that normal?

Two months no contact. It's like an addiction you are trying to kick. Is there chips or something you get?

[TimeToGrowUp]

..............I hope this doesn't mess me up emotionally. I am having really hard problems right now coming to grips with what went on behind my back.

[cmacattack1]

I know it's sending your mind racing and thinking where and when it happened, what you didn't pay attention to, what was real and what wasn't but it happened. It doesn't take away anything from you, you aren't a failure, you are a good person and you didn't deserve it. Some people are just very selfish and manipulative. You feel used and it hurts to believe in something but you did everything you could. And you put everything you had into the relationship, it's how it's supposed to be. Use this information to have a better choice in a mate for the future.

Take a vacation, do things for you and do them to make you smile. You figured out everything you could and you have people to air it out to, don't let it alter your happiness and life anymore.

[lhn]

Hang in there fella. This is truely shit and I know you said you have been through it before but this is the worst. You got through the last set of heartbreaks, this one will pass too. Don't worry about whats been and gone, try to think about what you're doing RIGHT NOW. get your ars out. get some music on in the car and drive somewhere.

Wanna change your looks? go to the gym...
Wanna learn to play golf? go sign up...

Try to meet new people.

I don't wanna be condescending but I know it helps when people show a ray of light.

[TimeToGrowUp]

As anyone following this thread knows, I had gone for for about 3-4 weeks of complete NC and disappeared like a ghost. Then all of the sudden I got a text one weekend. Then the next....and then this past weekend ended up running into her at a bar where she was there celebrating the 40th birthday of the cross dressing trainer she basically left me for (see my history for details )

I noticed her when we initially walked into the place and then re-routed my friends as they were walking towards the area of the bar she was at. Next thing you know I see this group of girls parting the crowd like the red sea in order to walk over to where I was. It was my ex- and some of her friends. She immediately responded "Hey I came all the way over hear to see you" .... I just muttered a quick hey, kind of tapped her on the shoulder. Boy did that set her off. She snapped quickly..... started shouting "Oh so that's how it's gonna be after 4.5 years" ......she even started crying.......

I was shocked. No.1 because I can't believe she felt so disrespected given how we broke up in the first place. She broke it off with me over a text message, she was deceiptful, she just left me hanging out to dry out of nowhere. She cheated on me while we were together. At one point during this conversation I'm like if you really want to talk about this - we can do this here. She started holding my hand. But the emotions were too intense for either of us and the alcohol wasn't helping.

Suffice to say it didn't end on a blissful note. Her friends dragged her away from me in the middle of the semi-heated discussion. Later on in the night the trainer and I almost mixed it up, I think I openly called him a cross-dresser too . The whole night was just a big mess in retrospect. I wasn't ready to have that encounter with her, but watching her go into the "victim" role really set me off knowing what I knew. I called her out on the cheating telling her I learned of the skeletons in the closet of our relationship and she gave me a line that brought back bad memories - "On my mother's life I didn't cheat." ....that same old tired line she gave me a few years ago when we were reconciling after a brief break up and I find out who she was sleeping with while we were working things out and sleeping together. She swore on her mother's life back then that she wasn't sleeping with the guy.

It was all just so weird. The past 3-4 weeks I had been holding everything in, especially my resentment over learned infidelities and leaving me for a guy like that - it was just unfathomable. Again go read my history if you don't know what I mean when I say that. Yet, when she touched grabbed my hand and seeing her in tears, it just sent shock waves thru my system.

I don't think either one of us is really over this. Even as steely and stubborn as she portrays herself..... and even though she's with her trainer. With this past weekend's events - I feel like I just went thru the break up all over again. It carried on over into a text message war throughout the next two days.

The trainer's ex-fiance, who I have been in contact with, was really stroking the fire too. She learned of the incident at the bar then took it upon herself to start pouring gasoline on everything - started texting the trainer and my ex-. It then literally went from my own ex- telling me she was nauseated by me and couldn't stand me after learning of some of the things I told the trainer's ex- fiance about our relationship..........then eventually when things calmed down to her telling me regardless of what all happened, I still have a special place in her heart and that she still cares for me.

During the conversation she even admitted to one episode of the cheating. She claims the other guys I heard she slept with happened while we split up the first time. She said she was sickened by her actions. She said she had done it out her loneliness, anger, and feeling unattractive.... that she knew it was a huge mistake.

Man what a rollercoaster. Ugggh.

[cmacattack1]

Wow, that definately wasn't good. Out at a bar with your friends and when she is with her friends celebrating her new boyfriend's birthday is when you had a discussion about your relationship? Yikes. Talk about a worse case scenario. I wouldn't say that this helped anything towards your feelings and well being and the remains of your relationship with her. I know you were emotional and you felt like it was all pouring out and you obviously weren't ready for a run in. That's kind of the whole point of really working on yourself, so that you would be ready for the run in and be able to hold it in and keep your cool.

The best thing you can do is keep your cool and have a good time not worrying about her even if you are, keeping your guard up as much of a game as it sounds. You aren't ready to discuss it with her and you aren't ready to talk things out with her so nothing good could come of this.

I hope you feel a little better though letting some of it out after being dragged into it again.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Wow, that definately wasn't good. Out at a bar with your friends and when she is with her friends celebrating her new boyfriend's birthday is when you had a discussion about your relationship? Yikes. Talk about a worse case scenario. I wouldn't say that this helped anything towards your feelings and well being and the remains of your relationship with her. I know you were emotional and you felt like it was all pouring out and you obviously weren't ready for a run in. That's kind of the whole point of really working on yourself, so that you would be ready for the run in and be able to hold it in and keep your cool.

The best thing you can do is keep your cool and have a good time not worrying about her even if you are, keeping your guard up as much of a game as it sounds. You aren't ready to discuss it with her and you aren't ready to talk things out with her so nothing good could come of this.

I hope you feel a little better though letting some of it out after being dragged into it again.

Tell me about it. That was the last place I wanted any of that. It was just the moment she got pissy with me because I wasn't being super-friendly and she said "Oh it's like that" is when I was feeling enough's enough. She had no right to act like that and then I just finally came out with it about the cheating I learned of.

[cmacattack1]

I'm surprised you came to the conclusion of still having a special place in your heart for her and she still cares about you. It sounded like you were pretty much done with her for good and I don't think she even deserved a conversation with her.

You said it felt like a second breakup but I hope it wasn't as bad as the first. Gotta build up that tough skin and immunity.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I'm surprised you came to the conclusion of still having a special place in your heart for her and she still cares about you. It sounded like you were pretty much done with her for good and I don't think she even deserved a conversation with her.

You said it felt like a second breakup but I hope it wasn't as bad as the first. Gotta build up that tough skin and immunity.

No....she said that to me. She said I will always have a special place in her heart and that she still cares about me. She also mentioned how she doesn't want us saying things to hurt each other because it gets us nowhere.

I'm just being honest, it kind of did for like a second break up in it's own little way. I'm still feeling a little bleh about it. It was definitely a temporary step back. I haven't felt right at all since that night.

The bouncers at that bar, who broke the situation up when the trainer and I had words, saw me out a couple nights later and actually told me they felt bad for me after hearing what all the rawkus was about, that they prolly would done the same thing. One even said he's got my next round. That felt kind of nice I guess.

I just don't get what she's doing. I mean she was in tears.....she was holding my hand.....the way she raced over to my side of the room when she learned I was there at the bar. An acquaintance familiar with the situation said she looked like a mess towards the end of the night from the crying. She made a mistake and she knows it. She's too stubborn to admit it.

She's made this whole competitive fitness thing to much of a crutch and she's too dependent on this guy for it. I know somewhere in the back of her mind she is so body conscious that she doesn't want to lose what she built in the last 5-6 months training. I mean the guy has her using clenbuterol steroids and thyroid meds to get her in shape. It sickens me to know she's doing this to herself. My buddies even said that that night at the bar, she just looked scary in the face from everything.

[cmacattack1]

Of course your buddies are going to say that, they don't want you to go through what you went through with her again.

It's nuts that she is doing that kind of shit to herself all to look better and ultimately feed her ego and allow it to go to her head and do the things she did to you. We all can be vain but that's ridiculous. You say you don't get what she is doing and I agree. She sounds confused and she sounds like she has some serious issues and hasn't faced them or ultimately grown up. What she is doing, how she is acting, the life that she is living is nothing but immaturity and insecurity.

You are right, she made a mistake and she's still too stubborn to admit it. When what she has with the trainer will collapse on her, she will be alone and unhappy and maybe the lesson will finally sink home. Or she'll continue to be miserable with him. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I'm sure she is a great person at the core and that's why she loved you in the first place. I don't think I'm a bad person at my core either, but I let my issues get in the way of what could have been lifelong happiness with my ex and the damage is already done. And once it's done you can't undo that unfortunately.