Enhance Her Libido

[shheadz]

My girlfriend's sex drive has been hit or miss as long as we've dated. We'd go a couple days having sex three times a day, and then nothing for a week or two. Additionally the only times she's really wanted sex in a bad way is when she's drunk and/or high.

The thing is, she takes antidepressants, and birth control, and from what I understand they can both trash a girl's libido. She also has self-image insecurities, even though she's one of the sexiest girls I've ever met. To make matters worse, I think she feels like she's letting me down, and that adds to her depression and insecurities.

I can probably help her get past the insecurities, but not the drugs, and she needs to be on the drugs. Does anyone else here have experience with taking medication that effects your sex drive in a negative way? How did you get over it?

I've taken things like horny goat weed during muscle building cycles, and it had me walking around with a boner all day. So I know there are libido enhancers out there that work. But honestly I wouldn't even know how to suggest something like that to her without adding to her insecurities.

[misombra]

i've never taken anti depressants but birth control pills absolutely destroyed my libido. i know there are different kinds maybe she can ask the doctor about it.

[vashti]

You can talk to the MD, but I think this is a common side effect of all anti-depressants, and BC pills are frequently a problem, too.

You are likely going to have to live with this problem unless she decides to quit taking her meds or you decide to leave her.

[shheadz]

unless she decides to quit taking her meds or you decide to leave her.

Yeah, that's depressing. She started taking the meds a couple years ago before she started dating her last boyfriend. She told me they didn't have sex for the first six months of their relationship, which at the time I thought was odd, because she had already told me she'd been with 14 guys. So clearly the meds have taken their toll on her, and it's not a problem that's going away anytime soon.

On a related note, she said her previous boyfriend was never able to orgasm when they had sex. He always finished himself off after wards. I don't know what his problem was, because she's damn fine, and the sex we do have is great. But that no doubt really added to her insecurities. So meds aside, I'm not even sure I'm capable of rebuilding her self-esteem.

[lahnnabell]

The combo of the anti-depressants and the BC pills is a double whammy. Her libido is probably all over the charts. Good on you for being understanding and knowing it's a delicate matter.

I don't think filling her with more pills (no matter how organic they are) is a good way to go here. HOWEVER, I read that an increased diet of omegas (fish oil capsules) and dark chocolate helps increase sex drive. A steady diet of dark chocolate always keeps me lubed up. You can always buy her chocolate! But if she's body conscious she might not like that. I'm not as body conscious as most girls and it is because of a few things:

1. My mom fed me well as a kid. I have a strong idea of what a good diet includes.
2. I love chocolate toooo much.
3. My boyfriend looks at me with bedroom eyes constantly. Even if he's not horny, he desires me and shows it by touching me in intimate, but not always sexual ways.

I realized after going through several boyfriends that kept their hands to themselves (unless they wanted something) that I need this type of contact consistently if I am to be happy in the relationship. I love to be touched. Much of this has to do with having grown up in a small, close-knit family where my mom, sister and I were comfortable cuddling up together on the couch.

My boyfriend will absentmindedly touch me, rub my shoulders, or my scalp. He kisses me in between MW2 matches. This helps fuel my sexual confidence and my desire for him.

[shheadz]

Thanks lahnnabell. I've started to really look forward to your advice, as you seem to have your head screwed on pretty tight when it comes to relationships, and you're pretty understanding instead of jaded.

I realized after going through several boyfriends that kept their hands to themselves (unless they wanted something) that I need this type of contact consistently if I am to be happy in the relationship. I love to be touched.

Hrm.. light bulb over the head moment here. I think she likes to be touched a lot too. I mean, I knew that, but I wasn't fully aware of it. She also has a very similar relationship with her parents and siblings. She's very touchy feely with them. This past thanksgiving her and her brother pretty much cuddled up together on the couch for the big after meal nap. It was completely natural for her. She doesn't think twice about plopping down on her dad/mom's lap, and hugging them. Plus she's always snuggling up to me, and just plain trying to have close body contact.

I don't have that kind of relationship with my mom (Single mother). I can't even remember the last time I hugged her, and in general I'm just not a touchy feely kind of guy.

I may be doing this poor girl some harm, and I didn't even realize it. And once again I'm blaming her for something that I'm the root cause of. Looking back over the past couple months.. I think she's initiated most of the non-sexual body contact, which started to slow down over the past month, and that started to make me feel unloved. Well no wonder it's slowed down. She was probably feeling unloved because I rarely initiated loving, non-sexual contact, so she started to pulling back. It may also contribute to her not feeling sexy and attractive to me.

I've run out of fingers to count how many ways I've unintentionally screwed up this relationship. That's pretty depressing, because I think she pinned a lot of hopes on me early in our relationship.. that she finally found a good guy that wouldn't hurt her, and I'm really letting her down. I do want to be that kind of guy, and I'm working towards it, but I keep screwing up along the way.

[valhensing]

My girlfriend's sex drive has been hit or miss as long as we've dated. We'd go a couple days having sex three times a day, and then nothing for a week or two. Additionally the only times she's really wanted sex in a bad way is when she's drunk and/or high.

The thing is, she takes antidepressants, and birth control, and from what I understand they can both trash a girl's libido. She also has self-image insecurities, even though she's one of the sexiest girls I've ever met. To make matters worse, I think she feels like she's letting me down, and that adds to her depression and insecurities.

I can probably help her get past the insecurities, but not the drugs, and she needs to be on the drugs. Does anyone else here have experience with taking medication that effects your sex drive in a negative way? How did you get over it?

I've taken things like horny goat weed during muscle building cycles, and it had me walking around with a boner all day. So I know there are libido enhancers out there that work. But honestly I wouldn't even know how to suggest something like that to her without adding to her insecurities.

can your gf sound more crazy + handful.

i dont know that normal western girls take antidepresants pills regularly. Really??

[lahnnabell]

Thanks lahnnabell. I've started to really look forward to your advice, as you seem to have your head screwed on pretty tight when it comes to relationships, and you're pretty understanding instead of jaded.

You are welcome! And thanks! Y'know, I go through moments of being jaded. That's when I call my mom and cry to her on the phone. "Why is the world like this?!" rant. But they subside and I remember that after all I've been through, I'm alive and breathing. That's the most important part.

Hrm.. light bulb over the head moment here. I think she likes to be touched a lot too. I mean, I knew that, but I wasn't fully aware of it. She also has a very similar relationship with her parents and siblings. She's very touchy feely with them. This past thanksgiving her and her brother pretty much cuddled up together on the couch for the big after meal nap. It was completely natural for her. She doesn't think twice about plopping down on her dad/mom's lap, and hugging them. Plus she's always snuggling up to me, and just plain trying to have close body contact.

You made me miss my sister with this! She and I had this whole Christmas Eve routine where we'd get up in the middle of the night, eat a ton of chocolate and open our stockings, then pass out together until present time. Christmas in San Diego isn't the same... Anyway, good job being observant and noticing those things about her family!

I don't have that kind of relationship with my mom (Single mother). I can't even remember the last time I hugged her, and in general I'm just not a touchy feely kind of guy.

I hear you. A few of my exes had really distant relationships with their family. Almost no hugging, a lot of personal space. My mom always wanted me to hug her as she understood how important it can be for young ones. Even if I was upset with her she would ask me to hug her. Can't ever thank her enough for that.

I may be doing this poor girl some harm, and I didn't even realize it. And once again I'm blaming her for something that I'm the root cause of. Looking back over the past couple months.. I think she's initiated most of the non-sexual body contact, which started to slow down over the past month, and that started to make me feel unloved. Well no wonder it's slowed down. She was probably feeling unloved because I rarely initiated loving, non-sexual contact, so she started to pulling back. It may also contribute to her not feeling sexy and attractive to me.

You weren't blaming her! You were concerned about the relationship and your girl. No shame in that. I get that we all have different ways of articulating ourselves. You didn't come off like a jerk. It is really great that you can look back and see your actions for what they are. I know MANY men who cannot do this. When I would ask guys to recall something they'd said that hurt me, it was like all they saw was white space.

I've run out of fingers to count how many ways I've unintentionally screwed up this relationship. That's pretty depressing, because I think she pinned a lot of hopes on me early in our relationship.. that she finally found a good guy that wouldn't hurt her, and I'm really letting her down.

You can fix this. It'll take some readjusting, but it's possible. The most important part is your desire to fix it. Without that, it all falls apart. Now you can go about this in a couple of ways...

1. Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you've noticed your behavior has been less than acceptable in your eyes and that you want to change it. Tell her what you've noticed about her upbringing and that you admire how close her family is. (Always positives) But also explain how new it is for you to be affectionate and that you want to learn to do what feels good to her, sexually and otherwise.

2. Or you can skip to this and just dive in! Plan something sweet for her. Do you think she'd like a massage? Even a little one? My skin is very sensitive so foot rub, shoulder rub, back rub, scalp rub... I'm down!

Make a note to hug her every time you see her again. Linger against her body and just hold her there in a full embrace. When you kiss her, be thoughtful.

Kiss her on the forehead (this is a big one I realized and I'll explain why) It is intimate and innocent. Many women make the mistake of equating passionate make-out sessions with love and intimacy. What I realized is that men invest more emotion in the little bits, like forehead kisses. Ex. You'll never see a guy giving some random hook-up chick a kiss on the forehead. That's reserved for someone he wants to care for.

My guy is naturally very affectionate and he asks me for random touches all the time. He'll say, "You should kiss me." in his sweet tone. Or he'll ask for a massage, which I'm always happy to give. He loves having his head rubbed too as it relaxes him and helps him sleep. Try this with your girl. She'll be happy that you want to be touched and it won't pressure her sexually.

[Cbrider]

Poke her boobs.

[shheadz]

Or you can skip to this and just dive in! Plan something sweet for her. Do you think she'd like a massage? Even a little one? My skin is very sensitive so foot rub, shoulder rub, back rub, scalp rub... I'm down!

Well, I haven't been that bad. I've given her long messages. She even let me give her a foot message (asked for it no less) even though she has a "foot thing", and generally won't let me touch or see them. I've run my fingers through her hair, and kissed her on the forehead.. all that stuff. The only problem is I don't do that stuff on a regular basis (Which I think she needs to feel loved and secure), and I don't do them without sex on my mind, and I'm sure she senses that. So even when I'm doing something gentle and intimate I'm sure I'm giving off a "If I do this, can we f*ck?" vibe. I don't think I've done much that seems to come from was pure innocent sweet place in my heart, and not from my pants. I can't help it! I'm a horny guy.

[lahnnabell]

and I don't do them without sex on my mind, and I'm sure she senses that.

No worries, I understand about the horniness. My sex drive is higher than my guy's. He's always teasing me, grabbing me, etc, but he doesn't always want sex. I just love that he loves to touch me! I get horny as hell sometimes, and he's usually always willing to give me a little something-something to tide me over

It is important that you learn to stop equating intimacy with intercourse though. They are not one in the same despite the obvious overlap. It is very possible that she equates your touching with you wanting sex now, and may feel pressured into satisfying your desire. This can lead to resentment over time. In fact, this is something I recommend you talk about. If a relationship is to survive over time, communication needs to be key.

[shheadz]

Man, this thread has gotten way off topic.

In fact, this is something I recommend you talk about. If a relationship is to survive over time, communication needs to be key.

Unfortunately there is little to no communication in our relationship, and it's created a lot of unnecessary confusion, and suspicion. Our relationship is in a very weird place right now.. a sort of limbo state that I can't quite describe.. and it could be completely avoided if she was more willing to talk.

[lahnnabell]

Aww, that sucks. I know how that goes. I've spent my fair share of time trying to get an SO to open up. Even to the point where I'd ask very basic, simple questions. "Do you feel angry? Do you feel sad?" etc. It was sooo much work and it took a lot out of me.

Has she always been unwilling to talk?

[shheadz]

Has she always been unwilling to talk?

Yes. She told me a long time ago that she doesn't communicate with people. Not with boyfriends, not with her friends, and not with her family. She's a very emotionally guarded person, and is very unwilling to open up. Like you I've tried basically saying what I think is on her mind, and only needed yes or no answers back from her. That didn't really pan out too well.

The only times she's opened up to me at all is when she's drinking. To be honest I'm the same way. I don't talk about my feelings to people either, but I have with her after drinking. However when it comes to "us", I do want to talk about things, if only to put my mind at ease on certain issues.

[lahnnabell]

Well, you need to talk to her about this. Even if it only starts with you doing the talking, and her listening. At least start by explaining why you two opening up to one another is important. Relationships suffer without proper communication. You can't read her mind, and she can't read yours.

Now, here is a more difficult question: Do you really want to stay with someone who refuses to make compromises? You have shown immense maturity in trying to compromise for her, but it needs to be a two-way street. How long have you been together anyway?