Too much talking on chat, ignoring in person??

[markknopfler]

Hi, I m talking with a girl since 4 months. She is a bit shy girl. We are talking more on chat than in person or on phone. On chat, she is unbelievably open and frank about personal topics. We have been regularly chatting online. Due to her innocence and nature I am totally in to this girl. But whenever I try to approach her in person, (whenever we are with common friends), she is ignoring me so much. She remains 10 ft away from me when i m around !!!
I really feel bad about this.
It is not like, she does not talk with guys, she just ignores me when I am around and talks to me too much on chat.

Also, there is a boy (who is a common friend), with whom she hangs out more often. When we talked about this she had told me that she thinks him as her brother. But I guess that guy does have feelings for her. They people are neighbors and have common courses at school. So that boy never leaves her alone.
I am totally blank about how to go on this.

[kms]

She may be reserved around you in person because she likes you and feels unsure of herself. Perhaps she hangs out with the other guy because there is no risk involved since she isn't interested beyond friendship.

As for being more open online - I'm the same way. I am better able to express myself through writing and through online conversations. Part of that is because I care what others think about me, so online I don't have to see their reaction, and if they don't react well to something I've said, it's easier to backtrack and explain myself. Plus I have more time to think about my response online - whereas in person it's much harder to do; it has to be more immediate. My SO often commented initially that I'm much 'braver' online - so sometimes he had joked that when we are having an issue, we should just get online and work it out that way. I'm more comfortable talking to him in person now since I know that if he doesn't like what I say, more than likely he won't break up with me for it - so I feel a little braver in person to speak up. Also - I hate talking on the phone to anyone except my mom and my SO. So, she may be the same way, since you described her as being shy.

[markknopfler]

hey thnx for the reply.
I also feel the same way, when i m in to positive thinking...!
But my problem isn't solved, coz real relationships are offline and not online.
Even if I am more comfortable talking to you online, doesn't mean I should not even talk to you like a friend when we meet in real world.

I don't understand how do I go about this relationship now?

[TheWizard]

you need to gradually move it offline. Some ideas:

When you're talking on AIM or whatever and it's pretty early:

- mention that you could really go for a cup of coffee, and see if she wants to come with.

- Tell her you have to run some errands and she's welcome to come along, we could grab some food while we're out too

Sometimes being spontaneous like that doesn't work well, because there is no time to plan which makes it easier to say no to. So you could try the same approach but say like:

- So on Thursday I've got this thing I need to go get for my parents then I'm heading to the mall and I'd love some company, you should come along or meet me there!

etc.

Also when you guys are hanging out in real life does she look at you or does she really flat out ignore you? Do you try and get close to her but she moves away? 10ft is really far, I'm hoping you're exaggerating. Try starting up a conversation with her about anything.

[prouvsky]

I think chat, telephone and r/l are situations so different from one another that it's not unusual for someone to get very intimate in one of them and yet feel a bit odd in others. That's especially true when you switch from more abstract to more concrete (e.g., chat to phone to r/l). To some extent, this is absolutely normal (staying 10 ft away might be too much of a change, yet, so there are possibly other reasons). Anyway the advice is the same, move gradually onwards. Calling her on the phone more often, instead of chatting might be one first step.

Also, I think you could and should simply talk to her about this. :-)

[markknopfler]

I m really happy tht sm1 cud understand my situation.
m trying to get things as offline as possible here. 2day we hd a movie night at a friend's place. She was also there. As usual, she didnt evn say hi or talked 2 me. She can nvr see in my eyes.!
Now I m too trying to ignore her. (m nt sure it this helps or nt, bt i need 2 do smthing) So 2day, without being unhappy or smthin i enjoyed myself and tried 2 be more friendly with other girls there. Now, I m not also pinging her whnevr she is online. (Need advise on this, would breaking contact totally, help or make things worse)

Actually, I did try 2 talk about this with her online, indirectly. All she said, that she is kinda scared of me. Also she always says, i m the only one with whom she shares evrything abt her life, and she does tell me almost evrythng on chat (no matter hw embarrassing it is)

And ya tht 10 feet is kinda exaggerated, bt 5 is still reasonable.

[TheWizard]

Actually, I did try 2 talk about this with her online, indirectly. All she said, that she is kinda scared of me. Also she always says, i m the only one with whom she shares evrything abt her life, and she does tell me almost evrythng on chat (no matter hw embarrassing it is)

And ya tht 10 feet is kinda exaggerated, bt 5 is still reasonable.

Ok this seems like a trust issue. She's confided in you a lot of stuff and I can only assume you have not shared with her on the same level. If she's scared of you she might just be really shy, which is fine, but you need to establish trust if you want to start a relationship offline in some way.

Her confiding in you is a good start, but it seems to have dead ended there - perhaps you should confide a little in her? I'm not terribly positive since this is a unique situation I've never dealt with.

Ignoring her might work on normal women - the theory is that if you become more scarce all of a sudden then she'll want to see you more. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so to speak. It's probably wise to ease off on the online thing, because 1) You can gauge her interest by seeing how often she approaches you on line first and 2) it helps nudge the conversation stuff offline.

Since she mentioned she's afraid of you she's probably not ready to go out alone with you. She has to trust you and trust she will be safe with you before you can do that. Ignoring her while hanging out in person isn't the way to do it, being friendly and pinging off of the other people in the room was a good move - but don't ignore her, try and bring her in on the fun and she should start to warm up a bit. Make it a social thing with multiple peopel she already trusts and it should help reinforce your standing with her.

[markknopfler]

"since this is a unique situation I've never dealt with." -- Exactly!

It's an unusual situation because, she has talked about some really personal things online that people never tell a new friend in 1-2 months. (Things like her family, past relationship personal habits, feelings etc.) Even I have shared some of my life in those conversations. She had always been happy talking with me online. (but I couldn't ask,
then why not be happy offline too? Am I asking for too mch??)

One thing I can be sure of, that she is not like other girls. She is silly and innocent, like a kid. That's why I like her, probably. So, Ignoring her is difficult for me also.

And, I am pretty much positive that she is attracted 2wards me. But b4 I everything about how I feel and ask her out or smthin. I want 2 make some comfort offline. I don't want 2 listen "NO" at any cost.

Also, the problem is that I don't have many genuine reasons to call her or to be with her. No common courses or activities or something like that.
So, even if I call, I don't know what to talk about why I called.
(Need Advise on this, please!)