I am in so much trouble...HELP!

[sirnate27]

My girlfriend and I have been in a great relationship for 4 years. We barely fight, we both love playing video games and watch movies and we never run out of things to talk about. There have been a few times that we would have a conversation about not enough time in bed but for some reason and maybe because I'm a guy, I didn't listen and we still haven't had sex in quite a while. I senced something was really wrong about a week ago that she's been very distant so I tried getting close to her and bending over backwards to do anything for her but she pushed me away. Last night she hung out with one of her awesome friends from her childhood until 11:30pm and came home really sad. She said "We are not working." and I was shocked because this was something I never thought she would say. She keeps saying that I never try and that we always use the excuse of working too much and is never physically satisfied. I begged her to give me one more chance and this time I will get off my butt and do whatever it takes to save our relationship but she said she needs some space and doesn't know if we can physically do it. I feel like such a jerk and I am determined to never let this happen again but now I'm deathly scared that she won't give me another chance. I've talked to 2 of her best friends all day today and they are trying everything they can to help us out because they know that we will both be sad without each other.

Should I give her space for awhile? I don't know how long either. we both have another week off of work and both live together but if I have to, I will try and give her all the space she needs to figure things out. This really hurts

[TimeToGrowUp]

My girlfriend and I have been in a great relationship for 4 years. We barely fight, we both love playing video games and watch movies and we never run out of things to talk about. There have been a few times that we would have a conversation about not enough time in bed but for some reason and maybe because I'm a guy, I didn't listen and we still haven't had sex in quite a while. I senced something was really wrong about a week ago that she's been very distant so I tried getting close to her and bending over backwards to do anything for her but she pushed me away. Last night she hung out with one of her awesome friends from her childhood until 11:30pm and came home really sad. She said "We are not working." and I was shocked because this was something I never thought she would say. She keeps saying that I never try and that we always use the excuse of working too much and is never physically satisfied. I begged her to give me one more chance and this time I will get off my butt and do whatever it takes to save our relationship but she said she needs some space and doesn't know if we can physically do it. I feel like such a jerk and I am determined to never let this happen again but now I'm deathly scared that she won't give me another chance. I've talked to 2 of her best friends all day today and they are trying everything they can to help us out because they know that we will both be sad without each other.

Should I give her space for awhile? I don't know how long either. we both have another week off of work and both live together but if I have to, I will try and give her all the space she needs to figure things out. This really hurts

Before I lament,

Is this "physically satisfied" as in she's not getting enough passion/intimacy kind of attention?

[sirnate27]

Yes not enough intimacy. I know that relationships lose passion after awhile but damnit I'm going to change that! I got too comfortable with our relationship and just got lazy. I need just one more freak'n chance!

[TimeToGrowUp]

Yes not enough intimacy. I know that relationships lose passion after awhile but damnit I'm going to change that! I got too comfortable with our relationship and just got lazy. I need just one more freak'n chance!

Look, I'm going to level with you here because I just went thru something very similar with my own girlfriend of 4.5 years .......who broke up with me about 3-4 weeks ago.

To them, this becomes a crime. They start to look around at other people, watch the TV, and hear other stories thinking that nonstop passion is the NORM. In my experience, my girl was terrible at communicating exactly the importance to her. She always made it seem like she was OK with the times it was a little lacking. Had I known or been told to shape up or ship out you can bet my a$$ would've done anything for her. I know it was something that needed to be worked on, but sometimes life gets in the way and we get distracted. Lord knows how full my plate was.

This is a very delicate issue because her current thought process involves you failing in that intimacy/passion department. Once they're caught up thinking about this, it's like they shut off all the other good things. The fact that you live together makes this an interesting situation.

She probably finds talk to be cheap at this point. In my eyes you have two choices. You can honor her request or you can risk trying to surprise her with something passionate at your place, something that would blow her mind that she might've thought you were not capable of. There's no guarantee it would work, but if you love her enough and you want to show her - then you have to do more than talk.

The "we are not working" statement really shows you the strength of her emotions with this - even as fickle as their emotions can be. Not going to sugar coat it, it's DefCon 1 at that point.

It hurts man, I know. I just literally went thru this. I feel like a criminal knowing how easy it would've been to just man up and be a little more attentive instead of too comfortable and too caught up in other issues I had going on. For me personally 4 years is the kind of time where you work on these issues. If it was 6 months, I could see the need to just walk away.

[sirnate27]

Dang you hit the nail on the head with this one. I can try option number 2 but she's already told her friend (also the one that is helping me) that it'll feel like it's being forced apon. She just got home and she seems very confused about everything. She noticed that there is a lot of paperwork piled up that hasn't been done in a long time and she's taking it as "I never used to be like this/I don't know who I am anymore." I have a feeling that I will have to give her space but also help her get things done around the house so that she's not overwelmed by clutter.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Dang you hit the nail on the head with this one. I can try option number 2 but she's already told her friend (also the one that is helping me) that it'll feel like it's being forced apon. She just got home and she seems very confused about everything. She noticed that there is a lot of paperwork piled up that hasn't been done in a long time and she's taking it as "I never used to be like this/I don't know who I am anymore." I have a feeling that I will have to give her space but also help her get things done around the house so that she's not overwelmed by clutter.

I just don't understand how someone you live with can expect you to give them "space" ..... that's an oxymoron. Are you just going to sleep on the couch or something?

Someone mentioned to me that with my situation there could be a "core value" differentiation here. We're all wired differently with these things. That's not to say you couldn't be the guy she wants as far as the passion/intimacy thing goes. Only you know if you can or cannot.

[sirnate27]

Well we still sleep in the same bed. We both definitly still love each other and can't seperate. We talked a little bit last night and she said I need to hang out with some guy friends more often because we always do things together. I'm basically friends with her friends but barely have my own. It's hard to find good quality friends here in WA. I did fail to mention that we work in the same business but only see each other about 10 minutes or less a day at work. Idk I guess it'll be good to let her do her own thing for awhile and do what I need to do like getting off my a$$ and be a man.

[shheadz]

Your relationship doesn't sound like a lost cause to me. It really just sounds like the two of you are in a rut. You're basically around each other 24/7 even when you're hanging out with friends, and you're working a lot. You probably lost your passion because you're both bored, and don't feel excited about life anymore. Her asking for space and telling you to hang out with the guys makes it sound like she's aware of the underlying problem in the relationship.

Of course I could be totally wrong, and she's trying to stay physically separated while she looks for a new place to live. Could go either way.. but chin up.. things will be ok.

[sirnate27]

Thanks I know for sure that she'll never find another place. She definitly wants to work things out. I myself have a lot of work to do.

[Gigabitch]

If you give her "space" when she's just lodged a complaint that you don't put in enough effort, you may as well just pack your shit and leave right now.

It's a test. You need to do MORE, not less. I know. I'm an emotionally needy female. This will work.

[sirnate27]

Well like I said, I've been trying to do more house work because her life is getting way too overwhelming and I'd like her to find her roots again like doing her scrapbooking which she hasn't done for ages. If I try to kiss her or even touch, she backs away. I did a gutsy move this morning by giving her a message and she let me but looked like she felt guilty after. Right now we just finished watching a movie together then she said that she's so bored that she doesn't know what to do with herself so she went to take a nap. I'm so confused because she was so energetic this morning and now she seems so depressed. She just seems so bored with life. She doesn't even want to go anywhere and there isn't many places to go near where we live. It'll be very very hard for me to move out. We both share the same car which is hers and I have a 6yr old kid with part custody whos mom lives far. We are so intune with eachother in all ways except in bed that if I move out anytime soon, it'll really make us both far apart. The thing that hurts the most is that she's putting down this brick wall between us and anything I do or say isn't being listened to. I'm starting to think that giving her space is my only option right now. I also woke up really early in the morning and bought flowers then put them in the drivers seat before she woke up and went to work. She cried and said thank you and that I'm making her feel guilty.

[sirnate27]

Either she's testing me (and I hope she is) or she really doesn't know what the hell she's doing.

[cmacattack1]

Well pay attention to your actions and responses. If she is pushing you away the more you try to help and "fix" things, then all you can do is give her her space. She has to be honest with how she feels and if she can't do that, you are both in trouble.

[shheadz]

Only you can know what's right. You know her better than we do, so go with your gut. Hopefully you're using this time to get some space yourself, and get your head together.

[sian]

It's because she's bored, this is what happens after such a long time, make her excited, women thrive on excitement whereas men seem to be happy just sitting around doing nothing.