Learning to trust

[pixeldust]

I've been seeing my current partner for about 3 months. We met on an online dating site (which I'd not had much luck with) and talked for a bit before meeting.

Before him, I'd been with my sons father for almost 5 years (until May 09), and before that I was married for about 2 years to another guy.

My ex husband was a very controlling older man, who cheated on me consistently throughout our relationship and marriage, was very secretive and lied a lot. I'm not even sure how many affairs he had, because I practiced a very 'ignorance is bliss' approach to everything and assumed I deserved whatever happened. We split up more because of his controlling nature than the affairs, which he never admitted to.

My sons father was a lovely man, and we are still great friends, but he met a woman at a wedding we went to less than a year before we split, and he kept up contact with her afterwards. After we split, in a matter of days, he had started a relationship with her then moved (along with our son) to the US be closer to her.

I'm finding myself very paranoid and untrusting in this relationship. I started snooping, which I'm not proud of, and found he'd been contacting his former girlfriend and has met up with her a few times. After that, I couldn't seem to help myself but snoop, and now every time I'm not around him, I have this fear he is seeing her. I find myself looking at his discarded receipts etc, and even though I have restrained myself from looking at his phone, it's hard and the paranoia won't seem to go away.

He says he loves me, and I believe him. I can honestly see a future with this guy, if I can get over not having trust, which I know is a huge (maybe the most important) part of a successful relationship.

Oh, and he knows I've been snooping but it hasn't put him off, which maybe I don't deserve!

I know the paranoia is irrational, but I don't know how to control it! I get a feeling maybe I need counselling? But maybe there is an easier way to deal with this? Any suggestions?

[Moe]

Trusting someone after being dumped on sucks. I've now been screwed twice. My first wife lied, cheated and stole and I delt with it for 13 years before kicking her on her way.
I had three wonderful women in my life after that and I broke off each one because of not knowing if I could trust ever again. Then a fourth one came along and when I tried to back off she said all the right things even got on her knees and swore she wouldn't do as my ex and always said the right things.
Well three years later out of know where she ups and leaves, no real excuse no fights or arguments. Just gone.

I don't know if I will ever trust not only another women but a human being.

[Spency]

Trust is my major issue as well. I have been cheated on twice and am not sure how you do regain the trust.

One of my best friends said to me, which is quite true, if its going to happen, its going to happen, so why worry.

By this I mean, would you rather have two crap years worrying you cant trust him, or two amazing years with him not worrying, but if it happens, it happens.

[mikeikye]

i wonder if i can ever trust.Especially women!

[shheadz]

if its going to happen, its going to happen, so why worry

That's been my attitude going into my last couple relationships. If she lies or cheats on me, then oh well.. At least I had some fun while it lasted. And of course it wouldn't be any fun at all if I was constantly paranoid.

So the only advice I can give is to throw yourself into the relationship whole heartily. If he's a good guy, and you tell him what you've told us, I'm sure he'll be patient and understanding, and work towards gaining your trust. But if you hold back too much you're going to put him off, and unintentionally ruin the relationship.

Oh, and he knows I've been snooping but it hasn't put him off, which maybe I don't deserve!

My ex openly snooped through my phone. I actually thought it was kind of cute! Looking back on it now though I should have seen it as a red flag that she has trust issues, which could (and did) haunt our relationship. So once again you need to explain your past to him, and make sure he's understanding.

[pixeldust]

That's kind of what I've been trying to do, just push it to the back of my mind, but it's still there. And I know if it happens it's out of my control, and I'll just have to deal with it then, that's the problem - I know how irrational it is, but yet that doesn't seem to make a difference

[shheadz]

just push it to the back of my mind

That's kind of the opposite of what I'm saying. Throw it out there in the open. Talk to him about it... I'm sure he'll be understanding. I think you'll feel much better if you get it off your chest, and you can stop worrying about it. In the end it's not your trust issues that will ruin the relationship, it's you always worrying about them.

[Spency]

I totally agree with Shheadz.

Sit down with him, explain what your feeling and why you are feeling it, but also make it clear its nothing to do with him.

Dont just let it get you, if he is the one he will understand when you need to talk aboutit.

[pixeldust]

I have tried talking about it before, but I think my timing was pretty bad. It's a hard thing to admit to someone, I guess I'm worried that it will make me look crazy (though he probably thinks that a bit already!)

I'll have a think about the best way to approach it..

[Spency]

Write a letter, always works.

Its more personal and gives you a chance to get it right.