reaching a breaking point. when will this end?

[pinkscorpion]

So I have been unable to get completely over my ex for about 2 years now.

I'm well past the crying and not wanting to leave my bed stage and things are LOADS better than they were a year ago, but I still can't have a moment alone to think without missing him.

Over these past two years, I have had to keep myself ridiculously busy just to keep myself from being depressed. I have been working 2 jobs, taking over 20 hours of class per semester, and I never spend a single waking moment without some kind of distraction whether it's TV, music, or mind-altering substances.

However, this is exhausting. I want to be able to lie quietly in a room without hearing my brain scream at me, "Where is he??? What happened? What did you do wrong, you stupid bitch?" on a mad loop.

I never really got closure from him and I wonder if maybe this is a case where the NC rule should be broken.

When he told me he was leaving me for my friend, I screamed in his face and walked away, never speaking to him again. I never even let him explain himself or try to understand why he was doing this me. I couldn't accept it then and now I still have so many questions for which I still want the answers.

I just want to move on with my life! I feel like a crazy person for still not being over this unimpressive, aimless loser. I don't even know why I've had such a hard time getting over him. Objectively, he wasn't that great. He was mean a lot of the time. He often belittled me and made me feel unattractive right before trying to have sex with me. It was confusing and it screwed me up a LOT.

So, yeah, what should I do?
Should I contact him and try to get closure?
Or should I just keep running myself ragged in order not to think?

I don't know how much longer I can keep up this break-neck pace. Eventually I'm going to want to stop and rest and when I do...I'm afraid I'll just lay down and die.

So confused. I thought that not contacting or seeing your ex was supposed to make you forget about them, but not a single day has gone by without me feeling like shit.

[lahnnabell]

I think you should seek counseling. A lot of the issues you described are the result of having been emotionally/verbally abused. At this point, while closure from this man may help sew up some of the wounds, it's not going to help you heal personally. Your very self-confidence has been damaged so much so that you can't even find solace in other things. Your use of mind-altering substances is only going to worsen things and I suggest you cut alcohol and any other drugs out of your life.

What about doing something you enjoy? Like a hobby that isn't sedentary like TV. Sports, volunteering, a fun class (like cooking or art). These things boost your self-confidence and encourage you to meet new people which will help with the cyclical problem of you trying to merely distract yourself.

[pinkscorpion]

Ugh, I was afraid someone was going to say that. I probably need counseling and I've known that for some time, but I just I don't know when I would have time to do it. Also, I had counseling in high school and I didn't care for it much. It kind of seemed like a bunch of bullshit, tbh. I just had to work out my issues on my own anyway. I don't know what a therapist could tell me that I couldn't look up for myself.

I do have other hobbies besides just TV and substance abuse, lol. I may have been a bit melodramatic. I'm also a dancer and when I'm dancing, things aren't so bad, but adrenaline and endorphins can only last so long.

Thanks for the response, though. <333 Feedback of any kind is always helpful.

[lhn]

Hope I dont end up in your position. God that must be awful. Not sure how to advise you except therapy might be the first step to recovery.

Obviously some very deep scars have been embedded and need to be ironed out.

I feel for you and hope you can somehow overcome this crappy situation.

[pinkscorpion]

Eh, you kind of get used to the misery after a while and you become numb to it most of the time.

Plus, whenever I'm occupied, I'm pretty much okay and sometimes even genuinely happy.

I really don't know if therapy would help. I think for it to work you have to actually take it seriously and I never could do that when I was in therapy. Maybe my therapist just wasn't that great, but it kind of put me off of that psychobabble, "happy pill" crap.

[lhn]

Well I suppose there is no harm in trying again? even for one session?

[kai]

Well, the first thing you have to do is face the stuff you are afraid of. Try not to do anything for a day. See what happens. And, you should really go to counsellor. Also, try doing yoga or meditation. Since you are a dance, it can help you in that also.

[lahnnabell]

Eh, you kind of get used to the misery after a while and you become numb to it most of the time.

Plus, whenever I'm occupied, I'm pretty much okay and sometimes even genuinely happy.

I really don't know if therapy would help. I think for it to work you have to actually take it seriously and I never could do that when I was in therapy. Maybe my therapist just wasn't that great, but it kind of put me off of that psychobabble, "happy pill" crap.

A lot of therapists suck. I'll be honest. I've seen several of them early on in my life and most of them are bullshit artists. It takes some looking and some time to find a therapist that you really click with. It's just like any other service; you shouldn't settle until you get what you want.

I know you'd rather fix yourself by yourself, but if you're methods involve things like drugs and alcohol, then you'll be dependent on that for a while. It will only grow worse over time.

I agree that yoga and meditation can provide healing. When used in conjunction with one another they have the power to heal the body and the mind. Yoga instructors are great people, I've found.