Accepting Responsibility

[lahnnabell]

I noticed a consistent theme on many of the posts/threads here about accepting responsibility for the failure of one's relationships.

lhn, shheadz, and cmac are this forum's dominant trio of men who have made great strides in a short amount of time. They've been through hell with these exes of theirs and are making honest attempts at bettering themselves and are now turning around and helping others. However, they all brought up good points when they mentioned that the downfall of their relationships did not rest on their shoulders alone. Their exes did have faults and their exes did at times handle situations poorly.

As a female who has been in several shitty relationships with immature and frequently abusive men, I will admit that I was not perfect either. I believe I gave 100% to my relationships all the time, but I know that I've started arguments at inappropriate times, or developed unreasonable expectations. No one is 100% saintly in a relationship.

In what ways have you guys grown after your relationships? What did the relationship teach you about yourself? Were you ashamed of your past behavior? How has your past help you change your relationship standards?

Go for your life!

[irrelevant_89]

All my non-relationship taught me was that being a downright p*ssy doesn't work.

[QueenofCorona]

This is kind of strange but I have learned to accept men doing nice things for me, I never thought I deserved it or thought they were doing it only because they felt obligated or wanted something from me. For the longest time I was in one sided relationships where I bent over backwards for guys going out of my way physically and financially to make sure they were happy and got nothing in return, not even respect. I'm by no means a gold-digger but slowly in my current relationship I'm learning to allow him to do nice things for me because he cares about me as much as I care about him. Of course I still like to take care of him and sometimes feel very guilty when he does nice things for me or buys me something but I am learning to not feel so weirded out by it.

[girl68]

I learnt that not matter how much you love, or how hard you try sometimes some people are simply not compatible.

[shheadz]

Thanks lahnnabell.. I'm not out of the woods yet though.

I learned a lot of things from this past relationship, but the two most important lessons are relationships need room to breath, and communication is vital. I think we were still in love when we broke up, but we're both too emotionally guarded to open up to one another. Misunderstandings festered for too long, and we simply reached an impasse. The relationship couldn't move forward.

[Sanctuary]

I've learned that if a relationship doesn't work out, there's always a next one. Always.

[Gigabitch]

I got down off the cross and started demanding equal participation, to everyone's benefit.

[Coco]

I am still learning I guess. I have made a lot of mistakes with Anako... he's made a lot too. I think I held onto the relationship because I felt like... as long as if he wasn't beating me to death and cheating on me, it was worth saving... keeping. I don't even know if I will ever have a real relationship because I'm traumatized by my past and it is affecting everything. What I have learned to take care of myself because no one will care about me more than I care about myself. Maybe when I'm better I will find someone again. It's a tough lesson to learn... but I'm trying.

[qwertz]

Im not sure ive learnt anything about my behaviours etc from my last relationship breakup, as it was one major thing that broke us up, before that everything was fine, i was madly in love and gave 100% of every part of me into it.
It has made me think that the heartbreak of being hurt by someone you love, outweighs the 'benefits' of loving someone in the first place, i cant see myself ever being in love again.
Quite a sad outlook really! But i would rather look after number 1.

[lahnnabell]

It gets easier as time goes by. I felt the same way after my first love lost. It was over something that shouldn't have mattered and I didn't understand why it couldn't just be the same. I was 15 then, now I'm 25. I've been in love several times after that first love and it's gotten easier to pick up and move on each time.

[MetalPhoenix]

Never been in a real relationship, but I've learned that life sucks. I've gotten tougher and I can deal with lies, deceit and dissapointment much better

[qwertz]

its been a year now, i thought i had got over the hating part, but lately realised i havnt.

I feel like i wouldnt know how to love again even if i tried

[lahnnabell]

I'm sorry to hear that, qwert. My sister is the type of person who holds onto grudges like it's her job. Me... I can't hold onto those bad feelings if I tried. It may just take longer for some people to resolve those parts and get past them.

I found that getting out of my own head was the best remedy. Rebounding with some no-strings sex, volunteering and helping others, spending ample time with my closest friends, my hot yoga classes. Blogging helped me get all the angry/hateful/hurt feelings out. I did pick up smoking again intermittently at one point, but I've finally kicked that again.

[Coco]

I'm feeling you Q. All the way. I feel the same way.

[qwertz]

Ive done the rebound a little...im just after a willing partner for more lol