Confused

[ladyhawknz]

Hi, I new on here but wanted to get some advice as I dont have many people to talk to. I recently ended an 11 year relationship where we have 2 kids. My ex moved to another country in September but had moved out of the home in July as I thought this may make him realise what he had an change / grow up that sort of thing. We talked about me and the kids moving over to be with him but even while he was over there he still lied, we argued, he wouldnt talk to me that sort of thing.

I then met another guy in November and told my ex that I was seeing someone else and of course he was angry that sort of thing but he now has a new gf after 21 days of us being over. I felt that we were over a long time ago so dont technically see it as cheating though it others eyes it was.

My problem is that I am confused. I am very happy with my new man, he is sweet, kind, caring, similar interests, happy in each others companies and I do love him but then with my ex I do miss him and get angry when I get told about his new gf and that he has moved on and doesnt want to move back here to be in the kids lifes.

He asked me today are me and my new man good - I asked him why and he wouldnt say. As far as I know he is happy in his new relationship - we dont really speak and honestly I dont want to know about her as her and her kids are me and my kids replacement.

It is so confusing and I dont know how to forget about him and just move forward with my new man. My ex and I were not good for each other we were very volitile and there was drug, alchol & physical abuse throughout but I think its just because we were together so long.

I want to move on and be happy with my new man but very hard with my ex in the back of my mind all the time.

Suggestions???

Thanks

[cmacattack1]

I think being 23 and just having a whiff of love for the first time, I'm probably not qualified to help. But I'll give it a shot if it can give you any perspective.

You guys seem to have been through everything together. The abuse, the fights, having kids, everything. While the romance and the love may have died for you a while ago, the history you have and the bond you have made doesn't make letting go any easier. And he will always be in your life, because of your kids, so it is not like he will just up and disappear from you because you have to keep some form of contact with him. It doesn't sound like a very easy situation and it's another reason why I'm glad I'm holding off on marrying and having a family for when I'm out of school (28-29 years old at the minimum).

Being freshly apart and with new partners already, it's almost like it's a game to see who is winning the break up. He's asking you how you two are doing, fishing around, being annoying no matter how happy he seems with the other. He feels the same way and I'm sure it hurts him too to see you with somebody else. I wouldn't respond to those kind of pokes and prods, I would only discuss things with him that have anything to do with your kids as I'm assuming that you and your ex are sharing the responsibilities of time spent and care. Your private life is really none of his business and it only is if you are freely offering up the information.

For me, moving on has always been accepting the fact that you do not need them in your life to be happy. You can still love them and appreciate them for who they are, but know that they aren't in control of your happiness and the only one that can make you happy is a pretty important concept. Obvoiusly you are going to hate him for the things that led to your break up and maybe not love and appreciate them, but you don't need to smear him and just think of things that made you angry to help move on. Accepting that you both did things wrong (it does take two for a relationship to crack, you had a hand in it too), it didn't work out, and you don't have the same feeling for him anymore is fine. Nothing to be scared of. And let's face it, your ex is going to be better in certain respects than your current partner, vice versa, and it's natural to compare the two. Concentrate on your current's positive aspects (although don't turn a blind eye to any bad things) and focus on enjoying the relationship and the now (when you aren't too busy working or taking care of your children). This is important for you and your partner, because looking back on your ex and everything can have a negative impact on what you have going on currently.

What's done is done, nothing can change what has happened. Learning from what went wrong with your last relationship and applying those lessons to the current one can only enhance your experience and bring you closer to that happiness you desire. I guess I'm talking up your current partner alot assuming he isn't a low level choice and rebound, especially at your age and considering you have kids. If you have a good thing going, give that your all. It's not going to be easy and you are going to think of your ex time and time again. Taking it one day at a time, not giving in to his fishing and nosiness, and spending the time you have focused on bettering yourself, your kids life, and your relationship is the only way you can come out gaining from your experience.

[ladyhawknz]

HI CMac thank you so much for your reply and even though you are 23 you have said some very wise things. I dont have much contact with him at this stage as he does live in another country and I am raising the kids by myself. He doesnt want to come back at this stage as he has started a new life over there which we were supposed to be a part of.

You are very insightful and have helped a lot. I really do just need to concentrate on the now and my new bf. I am trying to learn from my mistakes in the past so that my new relationship works out. I dont feel that it is a rebound relationship - my new bf is totally different from my ex and I think that is something I was looking for. The kind caring type instead of the macho sort of one.

Having kids involved does make it harder as you will always have that other person in your life no matter what because of them and I dont want to make things hard on the kids.

All the best for you and your future love life

[cmacattack1]

Thanks, and I'm happy to see that you are taking this very well. I can't imagine it being easy on your kids to not have their dad around but I guess if your boyfriend is up to the plate to help and the real dad is out of the picture, they can still get the guidance and influence they are going to need throughout life. I have grown up without a real father, and I have suffered some serious imbalances with my personality and my life choices. I wouldn't want the same for your kids.