pre-marital troubles

[relationsHelp]

Hello, so my fiance and I are engaged to be married but since we moved in we have been fighting a lot. She is a very tense and high strung person, and I knew this and I've spent the duration of our relationship trying to get her to relax and reduce her stress anxiety and depression. Sometimes it works, but it never seems to last. Her high strung nature is the basis of all our fights, I think.

Her background is that she was severely abused as a child and raped when she was younger, but she's a strong person and did the work to overcome (or at least pretty much overcome) that before I came along. But I still see patterns of reacting to that abuse in our interactions.

For example, she is so stressed out that she is often very forgetful. I have my quirks like any human, and I'll tell her about those little things she does/doesn't do that bug me without anger or anything, but she forgets them. Eventually it comes to a head when I have to repeat something way too many times, because I feel like she's ignoring me and my polite requests. She is very literal, and almost seems to need a list that she can memorize but the problem is that we aren't communicating by doing that because after over 3 years together she seems totally oblivious to my needs and how I feel.

This morning she was involved in a "really minor" car accident and I tried not to loose it, but she just had another car accident on Thanksgiving that we haven't even fixed yet. She is so scatterbrained that I wonder how she even manages to live her life. It's like she is in a constant state of calamity. We've talked about this and she agrees that the situation needs to improve but, yet again, it seems like real change has yet to come and I'm at my wits end. I try very hard to not get upset, but I'm only human here. The car is insured in my name, so it's my insurance that will go up. Plus I have had to bail her out financially, though she did eventually repay me. She is in school and often struggles with that too. I feel like I have to be a fiance, a brother, a father, and a surrogate family all in one and I'm shot. I don't want to call the whole thing off but I need help here. Like I said she's acknowledged her issues and wants to improve but it just isn't happening. We've thought about counseling, but I wanted to try this first because she has issues with therapy because she sees it as a failure, despite my trying to talk her down from that too.

THanks for any help and/or advice.

[Gigabitch]

Get into counseling at once, regardless of her excuses. I have no doubt whatsoever that her view of therapy as a failure is just a front for mortal terror about facing her demons. When you say she's "done the work" to overcome her past, I doubt this was done with the help of a trained professional, which is what she needs.

Insist on it. You can't marry this mess, let alone have kids with her. She'll forget to bring them into the grocery store on a day when it's 100 degrees outside. Don't earn a Darwin Award.

[shheadz]

Also curious if she's been diagnosed with ADHD, or anything similar. Maybe she should see a doctor, and possibly take meds.

[lahnnabell]

Giga is right. Whatever work this woman did was not enough to compensate for the trauma she endured as a child. She needs consistent guidance from a certified source. Be prepared for some couples counseling as well. If you're open to this, it will help your fiancee out immensely.

[bloodtippedrose]

I agree with giga also. Psychotherapy is the BEST thing you can do for her and will have life changing results. I suggest one-on-one time with a cognitive therapist, not impersonal group therapy for abuse or anything like that.