cognitive dissonance, plain stupid, just in love, or what?

[crabtree]

Hey Guys!

Well, my feelings are really bugging me, ha, ha, otherwise I wouldn't be writing here would I?! Was surfing the internet for weeks and reading "I'm a strange loop" hoping for some kind of logical expalination, and only getting more confused, insecure and just misrable of all the information just leading me to zero again when you add it up.

Anyway, I'm 42 and the guy I'm in to is 47, both of us living in Switzerland. (I grew up in the US and the Swiss resp. German forums just don't seem as good) I'm a database specialist and he's an architect, both single and each having a 15 year old son. All seemed perfect somehow.

My husband died last Feburay after many years of being ill. I could cope with that well, after all it's nature and belongs to life just a being healty. Although, I couldn't commit to a man since his illness, maybe just also not wanting to be in a steady realtionship although I could have been. I'm happy with my relationships I have otherwise. I really enjoy going out, talking, learrning new "realities", having sex and drinking an espresso in the morning. Not that I change them every week, they're 2 - 3 a year. Just good friends. With some of them it's been going on like this since almost ten years. For me it seems right, and there are a lot guys that think the same at our age and stage of experience. At least I have the impression that I'm moving on in life, it's just like learning and moving on professionally.

Then, last November came "The Architect". We did have a nodding acquaintance since a couple of years, and since I'm looking to buy a house, I asked if he could give me his opinion on some objects. One lead to the other and we went out a couple of times, texting and calling eachother inbetween. I have the impression he enjoyed helping me. (by the way do you guys get offended if a women says you're sweet?) He's part of the "celeb scene" in our city, acquainting me to all his friends, taking me to all the "in" places. Not really my world, but I did enjoy it, even if I can't do smalltalk (I tried to learn it), I prefer philosophy, politics, IT, whatever, in societies like that I have the impression of being boring and of even being a "dumb bunny" to some extent. Well, anyway his attention and phrasing made my feelings go off track. Not being able to cope with my thoughts made me drink too much, not with him, but then texting him some stupid SMS, and feeling totally humiliated the next morning. I get clingy when I'm drunk. When I have someone physically there it usually ends up great, but texting some stupid thoughts he probably couldn't follow, was just plain stupid, even if it did'nt seem to bother him, but for me, this emotional state, was insufferable and it took a bad impact on my working qualitiies, I love my work.

We last saw eachother just before Christmas, and he was telling me that he's going to go work out for a six-pack. Does that mean he wants me to wait a couple of months? Was I just going to fast for him? Well, my drinking habits didn't get better and my hang overs were having a bad influence on my state of mind, so in a moment of panic or maybe just pure gutlessness, I sent him a SMS on new years eve wishing him all the best. He did try to call me, but I just didn't answer the phone. (mean, I know) Having bad feelings, I did text him again on the same evening, explaining it's just cognitive dissonance, hoping he understood, that it's nothing because of his behavoir. A week went by, I was feeling good, working great, and not drinking anymore, feeling relieved to some point. Nevertheless, I was wondering, or even being worried, on how he felt, so I asked him (SMS) if he understood. He wrote back "Yes, maybe". So I explain I can't handle unlogical situations, and I just wasn't me anymore. Which was truthful, but feeling stupid of obviously commiting my feelings to some extent, and being so guttless running away from them and not being able to stand up to myself.

I do have a lot of feelings for him, and miss him, and was to some point on the verge of commitment, but I think I chased him away. I know a lot of people don't really think, and I know I usually think too much. But am I such a goofed psycho or what do you think?

[Sanctuary]

I think you went overboard when you tried to explain cognitive dissonance via SMS to a guy that you were only sorta kinda seeing.

[crabtree]

You could expect from a guy with his education and age, that he would at least inform himself, if he doesn't know what it is..... could have been a good conversation...

[shheadz]

Things don't sound good from the way you've described them. I would have totally started to think you were a psycho woman. A man of his age and social standing has more to protect, and is probably much less willing to take on your emotional baggage.

[Sanctuary]

We last saw each other just before Christmas, and he was telling me that he's going to go work out for a six-pack. Does that mean he wants me to wait a couple of months?

I'm sorry, but if he's using the gym as an excuse not to see you then he's just not that into you.

Not being able to cope with my thoughts made me drink too much, not with him, but then texting him some stupid SMS, and feeling totally humiliated the next morning.

If I was him, I'd have lost some interest right here. Drunk texting is not attractive.

You could expect from a guy with his education and age, that he would at least inform himself, if he doesn't know what it is..... could have been a good conversation...

If I call you, and you don't pick up, and then you later text me explaining it was cognitive dissonance (I know what it is - social psychology is a deep interest of mine), I'd think you were absolutely bonkers.

[TheWizard]

The drunk textingb thing is kind of cute... but I'm 26 not in my 40's yet. I think at that age I would be a litle put off as well after awhile.

After reading your post it seems like you sabotaged this yourself for yourself for reasons you probably know but haven't shared here. Your feelings will pass in time, you know they will. If you really want to start with him again I would give it another 5-6 months without contact and then you can sort of start fresh and go for it again.

In this present situation it doesn't sound too good.

[IndiReloaded]

You're overthinking this...

[Primo]

Not to be harsh, but it seems like he got to know you a bit more and wasn't very interested. You tried to reconnect and he was game for a conversation, but then got the machine. Now he's not interested enough to call back.

You're probably decent looking, which got you the return call, but your personality or the lack of chemistry (from his pov) closed the door.

[Sanctuary]

^ That's exactly what I was thinking but I lacked the ability to put it into words.

[crabtree]

Maybe I am just a strange loop and have to wait for the same. So you guys really think there is no way to make up to my mistakes resp. get his interest back?

[Gigabitch]

Red flags.

You're not well suited to one another. It hasn't even been a year since your husband died. You're drinking like a fish. He's not reciprocating your interest.

You're in a downward spiral, crabtree. Pull out now.