Privacy within a relationship. Should it exist?

[Glith]

Leading on from a thread I started the other day, this has become a big talking point.

The background to this is that I suffered with a short spell of impotence early in my current relationship. My girlfriend talked to her friends about it, which I saw as disrespectful and a total lack of trust. She on the otherhand thinks that she should be able to talk to her friends about these sorts of things, if they're a concern. My take, if there's problems in a relationship you should be able to deal with it without involving your friends in intimate matters if you're mature enough to be in a serious relationship yourself.


Do you have clear and defined boundaries on what has to stay private?

Should you respect your partner's privacy, or is everything within the relationship fair game for a chat with your friends?

If one of you trusts your friends with the most intimate of details regarding your partner or relationship, does that mean the other should have to accept the fact that they have no control over who finds out their private business?

[Indignant]

my take is your partner is only as dumb as you are. a smart partner would never talk about YOUR weaknesses. be careful in choosing your mate. i also tend not tell anything to anyone if i don't want it later on discussed.

[vashti]

I agree with indig... A sensitive partner would never discuss anything with friends that would make you appear less masculine in their eyes.

Then again, I think people tend to overshare these days, and I guess since it seems to be more the norm these days, it wouldn't hurt to be explicit about your expectations before a problem comes up.

[irrelevant_89]

There's this ongoing myth that women will tell anything and everything about their relationships and sex lives to their girlfriends, while men tend to brag about their "conquests". Bleh. Personally I think privacy is very important. Why would the world have to know about something that intimate?

Probably her point is that it's a "health problem" for which you "have nothing to be ashamed". Yeah right. One thing is how it was supposed to be and other, different thing is how it actually is.

[abra kadabra]

Looks like things haven't quite settled yet then?

[Wiredbomb0]

haha, yeah, things like that should TOTALLY be keep in the relationship, it's not necessary for her girlfreinds to know. I don't think she would like it if you were tell your mates that her boobs are small (or something like that for example?).

[abra kadabra]

haha, yeah, things like that should TOTALLY be keep in the relationship, it's not necessary for her girlfreinds to know. I don't think she would like it if you were tell your mates that her boobs are small (or something like that for example?).

Interesting - so is it OK to say she has big ones then, like how women sometimes brag about how big there date was last night? I mean, she might be happy with small boobs - I know my gf is

[cheeze_guy]

I can see how it is uncool in your eyes how she would tell her friends but I tell my friends everything and I don't mean everyone on facebook or whatever I mean like my close friends who I talk to everyday. Shit happens we talk about it we move on... if you can't move on then talk to the girl about it straight up I am sure even if she tells you what you don't want to hear at least you can start from there... or maybe she already told you what you didn't want to hear and this is your next step, no matter what though if you can't talk to your friends who can you talk to? And maybe the problem is that her friends aren't the really good kind of friends because I am going to assume you found out she told her friends from her friends and that is a whole nother type of bullshit so just deal with it or move on lol life should always be so easy eh! sorry if it's no help I am just throwing in my 10 cents!

[Junket]

She's immature if she still feels the need to gossip about her own boyfriend.

I don't talk about what I do with my g/f in the bedroom with work buddies because I hold a certain level of respect for her. She's not a one night stand, and they have met her before. I don't need to entertain them with my own endeavors when they have access to pornography, and should she ever find out I would be in deep trouble.

And not getting any for that matter.

[Aeradalia]

It's a sign of immaturity and disrespect to share intimate details with others... no matter how "close" of friends they are. Besides, what kind of advice could her friends possibly provide her? If she's that worried about it, wouldn't she be better off looking for information about it on the internet? At least she'd have anonymity. Or better yet, talk to you about it in a caring, concerned, and respectful manner.

[QueenofCorona]

Is your gf gossipy in general? There's that old saying, "If they gossip to you, they'll gossip about you." If she is constantly talking yang or spilling beans to you about HER friends she'll probably do the same to them about YOU.

[Glith]

Ok, I think this thing has gone a little off-course, I just put my story as an example, meaning to talk about trust/respect and privacy in general. I guess I could have been a little clearer.

As for questions about the situation I'm in (for those who haven't read my thread about this), I am also to blame for her talking, to a degree.
The problem was new to me, due largely to a one-off previous experience, and some stresses I was going through at the time. Because I felt ashamed and embarrassed by it at the time when you're trying your best to impress a new girlfriend, and I hadn't had time to come to terms with it myself, I totally avoided the issue. I wouldn't talk about it, and when she did try, I was very defensive and turned the conversation into something else. I just needed time to get my head straight, get past the feelings of 'unmanliness', and think about how I was going to approach the issue in a way I wouldn't feel like a total failure.
So yes, then she talked to her friends about it. She was upset about what was going on, but also upset at me for turning a blind eye. I understand WHY she did it, but were it me, I'd have put her privacy and my respect for her before my need to talk about it.
So, yeah, it wasn't as black and white as my first post made it sound.

No, Queen, she isn't a gossip. Quite the opposite, and that's why it took me by surprise that she'd thought it was ok to talk to her friends (and sister) about this. I know she wasn't sat there laughing and joking, or even bitching, she was upset by what was going on and my refusal to talk about it.
The important thing to me is that firstly, talking to her friends only made this situation worse at the time because it put a huge amount of pressure on me, and secondly the way or reason she talked about it doesn't make you feel any better when you know a group of girls who you're expected to meet, all know about some sexuals problems you had at some point. I'm the sort of guy who'd have been nervous meeting a bunch of her friends anyway, but now, well, I'm sure you'd understand it makes it a lot tougher.

Cheese Guy, I did find out about this from my girlfriend. When I'd got to the point that I was okay to talk about the problem, she told me how upset she'd been and about the conversations she's had with her friends. Being honest with me about it meant a lot, but the downer to that was that she didn't see her conversation with her friends as a big deal, or how it could humiliate or offend me so much.
In all my previous relationships I'd loved sex, always been able to please, never had any problems. To suddenly go from that to a sexual problem which pretty much kills your sex life, you feel like a total failure, less of a man, and as though you're pretty worthless. Then to have that very issue discussed with a room full of girls, girl's you're going to have to meet, not a good situation.

Anyway, yeah, so that's my situation, but I'm interested in other people's views on privacy within a relationship as a whole. Do you think intimate details are fair game for a chat with your friends? Do you think it's unreasonable for you to have to keep all of the problems within your relationship, to yourself and your partner?