Deeply personal

[workaholic70]

I feel very embarrassed asking this question as, in my late 30s, I though I would have the answer.

So, I work very long hours for an 'average company' and, for the last couple of years, have had almost daily contact with a lovely lady who also works there - our job roles necessitated this contact from the outset. This lady is completely the opposite of me - outgoing, fun, joyful and carefree (in a sensible, mature way), whereas, although I've been told I'm caring, I'm no longer outgoing, permanently serious, somewhat dour and constantly in a state of flux - mostly due to said workload. This lady also has alot of outside interests whereas I am a confirmed workaholic.

For the first eight months to one year of knowing this lady, I simply treated this lady as another work colleague, and didn't think anything else. That was fine...a manageable situation.

Something odd has happened in the last few months which I didn't expect - whilst we worked together, from my POV, we found some common ground and started to enjoy each others company a bit more. We seemed to become firm workfriends.

I started helping out with things causing difficulty workwise (new role), completely out of this workfriendship...these things were always met with unexpected thank you's, kind looks etc.

Step forward to the last three months: Something with me has changed. With my feet firmly on the floor, I have become in awe of this person. I believe that I (am still falling) in love with this person, a great deal.

Just before the Christmas vacation, my feelings had become amplified, together with working even longer hours at work. My head started to bend out of shape and these carefully nurtured feelings exploded in my head. The end result was a massive panic attack which I tried to hide, but was found out. Unfortunately, I was in a right state, shaking and crying (badly). For some reason, this lady spent the next two hours talking to me at length. There was a lot of stuff explained but nothing said outright about our workfriendship. I asked outright if we were friends, and was told only on a work basis. This lady was kind listening and also firm-but-fair in what was said.

The sum of all these events was that I was devastated, both emotionally and physically. However, I managed to pull myself round over the weekend, mainly through reading and reading and reading.

When I returned to work the following week, I though I was for it. However, this lady was the kindest anyone could have been and said that we were friends and I'm an asset as well as a friend.

Although things are calm on the surface, I cannot seem to get past the point of being an emotional wreck. I find myself in a constant state flux between extreme happiness and sadness - crying alot, that sort of thing. These things occur regardless of the daily situation I find myself in.

The feelings I have for this lady, I do not feel being returned, which is kinda fine in the short term. We get on like great friends. I do extra stuff (in the way I behave towards and what is done for) this lovely person to let them know that I care, and this is openly appreciated.

Is this a love I have for someone else, or something more simple?

Any advice on what I should, can say, or how to move forwards?

I am fretful, and fearful, of blowing everything if I even hint at the three words.

[Aeradalia]

Might be best to adhere to the standard rules of dating/courting... give her gifts... be thoughtful... show her in subtle ways that you do fancy her. If she returns your advances, or at the very least, doesn't seem bothered by them... then you might ask her to join you in a meal... and if you're feeling bold, ask her out on a formal date.

If she declines, then you have your answer in regards to how she feels about you... and if she doesn't... then you may have an opportunity for something more.

[tropigal82]

Yes I agree with Aerdalia's post above.

Good luck, hope it works out!!!

[workaholic70]

Since my first post, I've continued to focus on doing the right thing, being the right person, and ensuring I don't overdo things. So far, so good.

However, I'm still an emotional wreck - mood swings between overt happiness and excessive sadness - sometimes a feeling of loss.

Is this normal? This may seem a dumb question, but relationships in my life have been rare and, recently, years apart.

[ds615]

I don't know if it's "normal", but it is the way I felt when I was in a very similar situation.

I finally just broke, I couldn't carry it anymore, and I told her I love her.
She didn't "freak out", which was good. She accepted it, and we have continued on with our friendship. There's other things involved for us, so it isn't an entirely unwelcome outcome.
I was doing all the "good guy" things as well, which is just what I do normally. However, it still came as a suprise to her, so it's hard to tell.

I'm not saying that would happen for you, but it might. Or, she might have feelings for you to. Or she might not. I'm affraid I can't help with that, but I can tell you I empathize.

[workaholic70]

I don't know if it's "normal", but it is the way I felt when I was in a very similar situation.

I finally just broke, I couldn't carry it anymore, and I told her I love her.
She didn't "freak out", which was good. She accepted it, and we have continued on with our friendship. There's other things involved for us, so it isn't an entirely unwelcome outcome.
I was doing all the "good guy" things as well, which is just what I do normally. However, it still came as a suprise to her, so it's hard to tell.

I'm not saying that would happen for you, but it might. Or, she might have feelings for you to. Or she might not. I'm affraid I can't help with that, but I can tell you I empathize.

Thanks for your response...

Today has been another day like the others described - cannot be allowed to carry on like this. I am going to have to 'fess if things don't improve. My work and personal life are being overtaken with feelings.

I sorta guess that friendship is the best thing I can hope for ATM (being realistic) and would be a good result - one I can happily manage.

[workaholic70]

So I said something...

...flipped at work, lady found out.

Result what I thought - one way romance. Things are currently very difficult indeed.

I have been an emotional right-off for the last four days and, before anyone tells me to get a grip, it really is not that simple. I feel as if I've had a crash-and-burn. Unable to focus on concentrate on anything. Feelings of anxiety and panic have set in.

The only two good things to come out of this:
1) It's now know how I feel
2) We're still friendly

I just cannot work out why I had such a bad reaction to the whole incident. Possibly just release of the build up of stress and feelings?

[Glith]

It's never easy being knocked back, especially if you've put a lot of emotional weight into it all beforehand.
It's all about how you take it. It's not a case that you're not good enough, you simply don't have the qualities that she wants in a partner, whatever they are.
You've got to get it into your mind that she doesn't matter, because she really doesn't in the long run. You probably wont even remember her 10 years from now.
If you were asked out by a colleague you weren't attracted to, how would you take it? You wouldn't look down on her, feel pity, snigger...you'd feel flattered that somebody was attracted to you. That's how she feels.

You're feeling like a failure at the moment because you didnt get what you wanted, but what happens next is up to you. You can either avoid her and make it into an uncomfortable situation, or act as though there isnt a thing wrong in the world. 'Act' being the important word. Even if you feel like you're falling apart, tell yourself you're fine and let everybody else see that too. Soon enough the confidence will come flowing back, and the act will become redundant.
She's been knocked back in the past too, she had to get over it.

Remember, it's never that you aren't good enough, it's that you're not right for her. Some people wont be attracted to you in the slightest, but there will be plenty of people who will be (and have been), many of whom you didn't even know about.

[workaholic70]

It's never easy being knocked back, especially if you've put a lot of emotional weight into it all beforehand.

I realise now I've put 10 months emotional weight into this. Silly of me, I know.

It's all about how you take it. It's not a case that you're not good enough, you simply don't have the qualities that she wants in a partner, whatever they are.
You've got to get it into your mind that she doesn't matter, because she really doesn't in the long run. You probably wont even remember her 10 years from now.

I seldom forget people I've met. Maybe that's co-dependency.

If you were asked out by a colleague you weren't attracted to, how would you take it? You wouldn't look down on her, feel pity, snigger...you'd feel flattered that somebody was attracted to you. That's how she feels.

Lady told me she was very flattered and wished she could feel the same way.

You're feeling like a failure at the moment because you didnt get what you wanted, but what happens next is up to you. You can either avoid her and make it into an uncomfortable situation, or act as though there isnt a thing wrong in the world. 'Act' being the important word. Even if you feel like you're falling apart, tell yourself you're fine and let everybody else see that too.

I will have to act . Better to do that, then cause further upset or unease, especially as we both work together / have daily contact.

Soon enough the confidence will come flowing back, and the act will become redundant.

My self confidence, ATM, is zero. I suppose you're right that it'll take time to rebuild this.

I am hopeful that we'll remain good friends, if nothing else. Funnily enough, the friendship matters more than anything else.

She's been knocked back in the past too, she had to get over it.

I somehow can't see that in this case.

Remember, it's never that you aren't good enough, it's that you're not right for her. Some people wont be attracted to you in the slightest, but there will be plenty of people who will be (and have been), many of whom you didn't even know about.

[IndiReloaded]

Drat, I wished I could have posted sooner.

I have been exactly the woman you describe. You sound like a kind, sensitive man who has unfortunately confused compassion with love.

Some women manipulate the feelings of men like you, tho it doesn't sound like your colleague is that sort. I would have counselled sucking up your feelings and keeping them quiet b/c she had already pretty much shot you down (in a nice way).

But, since you didn't take her discreet hints, you have forced her to outright reject you. I expect she finds this quite distasteful, for both knowingly hurting you and disrupting a work relationship.

All I can say now is you must suck it up and try to act normal, but back off from the friendship for a while. Time will lessen the embarrassment and I'd bet you could resume a friendship in a couple months. Watch those boundaries in the meantime, tho.

[IncognitoSir]

Drat, I wished I could have posted sooner.

I have been exactly the woman you describe. You sound like a kind, sensitive man who has unfortunately confused compassion with love.

Some women manipulate the feelings of men like you, tho it doesn't sound like your colleague is that sort. I would have counselled sucking up your feelings and keeping them quiet b/c she had already pretty much shot you down (in a nice way).

But, since you didn't take her discreet hints, you have forced her to outright reject you. I expect she finds this quite distasteful, for both knowingly hurting you and disrupting a work relationship.

All I can say now is you must suck it up and try to act normal, but back off from the friendship for a while. Time will lessen the embarrassment and I'd bet you could resume a friendship in a couple months. Watch those boundaries in the meantime, tho.

thats what i was thinking but I lack the wisdom to put it so eloquently, well put.

[workaholic70]

Drat, I wished I could have posted sooner.

I have been exactly the woman you describe. You sound like a kind, sensitive man who has unfortunately confused compassion with love.

Some women manipulate the feelings of men like you, tho it doesn't sound like your colleague is that sort. I would have counselled sucking up your feelings and keeping them quiet b/c she had already pretty much shot you down (in a nice way).

You're right, that there isn't any manipulation there.

But, since you didn't take her discreet hints, you have forced her to outright reject you. I expect she finds this quite distasteful, for both knowingly hurting you and disrupting a work relationship.

You could be right; there's been some hint of embarrassment with annoyance. I suspect the embarrassment is what you describe above, with the annoyance caused through the fact that I didn't take the earlier hint and deal with things and the reality in a more mature, controlled way.

All I can say now is you must suck it up and try to act normal, but back off from the friendship for a while. Time will lessen the embarrassment and I'd bet you could resume a friendship in a couple months. Watch those boundaries in the meantime, tho.

This is what I am trying to do - function normally. Yesterday (Friday) was 'uneasy' to say the least. All I can do now is hope that time heals the damage I've done and repair this friendship, and be prepared for the worst.

[workaholic70]

Thought I was feeling better this morning, esp. after reading the helpful feedback from other members of this forum.

However, the entire afternoon / evening has been another emotional trainwreck - somehow seems worse than a couple of days ago - proper upset over the whole situation, wishing I had heeded the first chat we'd had.

I have no idea WTF I'm still so desperately upset over this issue.

[starbuck]

Workaholic, we've all done stuff we regret. At this point, I think you need to try and let it go. Don't keep torturing yourself.

Chalk it up to a learning experience and take it easy on yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey, give yourself a break. Admiring someone is hardly a sin.

As for handling it: live forever, learn everything. You are human, and those love hormones make us crazy-stupid by design. At least you aren't a creepy stalker. Stay backed off and give the filly a chance to calm down. Things will settle down after a while.