A rollercoaster of emotions, aka my life

[IncognitoSir]

So myself and my gf of 15 months are currently not together. I broke up with here. Long story short version goes like this: She moves out of my apartment to another city because the city we were living in sucked, I was only there because I was going to school in a nearby town. We suffered through a LDR for about 2 1/2 months before I was able to move to her city. During the LDR, I would visit her atleast biweekly, if not every weekend. She starts to act a bit distant toward the end of our LDR right before I move out there. I consulted with the forums here, decided to pursue my love with here anyways, seeing as how I really loved this girl. I get there, my job falls thru, I'm unemployed, broke, pretty much screwed seeing as how I have student loans and bills out the wazoo, and she starts to push me away

Nonetheless, Im trying to tough it out in the big new city, but she has gradually completely distanced herself from me now. Stops calling me much, maybe 10 minutes a day if that. Never available, and always with her friends. Now I'm not the overbearing type, so I bring up my issues with her and she says she'll try to do better.....it never changed. Mind you, I've never asked much of her, keep in contact, spend some time with me, basically just show me that you love me.

Finally, New Years Eve is here, me and her have plans to be together that night. I asked her in advance if this was possible for her to do, she agreed, no problems at all. The night comes, and she completely blows me off. This sends me over the top, and I break it off with her.......she cries like I'm breaking up with her for no reason. As if she had NO idea of how I felt. 2 months I endured her pretty much ignoring me after I quit my job and moved to HER so the relationship would have a fighting chance.

She says she distanced herself from me because she felt bad for pressuring me to move before I was ready. So in return for this, she pushes me away? I told her tonight how this doesn't make any sense to me, and that I still haven't completely forgiven her for what she put me thru. We're supposed to be working on getting back together, but tonight i confessed to her that I'm still very much angry with her for what she put me through. The entire time Im wondering if shes cheating on me and wondering why she's spending so much time with her friends. She had to get off the phone because she was crying so hard, it almost seems like shes trying to make herself the victim or something, I don't get it.

BTW, she would call me up to come spend the night with her every once in a while when she wanted to cuddle or felt lonely at her apt, which was about 7 minutes from where I lived. She was walking all over me like a doormat, I told her all of these things the day I broke up with her.

I'm trying to decide if I can forgive her for her selfish acts, or if I should just move on. What do you think? I pretty much packed up my life and moved it to her, which I dont regret because I love her, but I cant seem to get past the way she treated me when I got there.

[Lite]

Dude, dump her ass and then go **** her friend.

You're being needy, she's being needy, and you have developed a screwed up codependent relationship that is going to bury you financially, educationally, and emotionally.

Say your peace if you need to, but silence would be the better part of valor. Tell her it's over, and move on with your life. Fix your financial situation, fix your stress, find someone new and better to date.

Oh, and learn to enforce your personal needs and boundaries up front.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, that's one thing I've learned from my experiences is that you should never put your relationship with somebody else over you. Because, what happens when it doesn't work out? Who do you have to fall back on? I've never had that problem, I've always been the selfish one like your girlfriend. The point is that it's important to be able to stand on your own two feet.

I honestly see alot of myself in your girlfriend. I used to be very distant from my girlfriend and she put up with it for a very long time, but it only built up anger and resentment on her part until she had enough and blew up. I had some issues that I chose not to deal with head on, instead spending time being selfish and hanging with my friends and then hanging with her when it was convienient. We were at a distance during our decline, and she would be upset and beg and ask why I wouldn't call her or text her or send her stuff in the mail, why I wouldn't remind her that I was thinking of her. It doesn't sound like you were that desparate and needy, but too often do we get shortsighted when we are feeling those emotions.

It's engrained in your head that love is you continuing to try and try in something you believe in. But what makes you think that after the first couple times you tried talking it out, and nothing changed, do you think by continuing to do that it would? Before you let that resentment and anger build up, you have to be logical about it, and back away and give her some space. She's used to what you are giving her, and if she is not appreciative, you need to back away. So that maybe she will finally appreciate it. I know you've tried for months and that all the sudden when you finally get sick of it and pull the floor out from under her, it's like a sudden shock to her. It was like that for me too. I was so angry at myself and confused even though it's pretty obvious. This is a time for self reflection for her if she chooses to do that and if this was important to her she would. As they say, you never realize what you got til it's gone.

I believe a serious part of love is empathy. Understanding that she has flaws, why she is doing this, where she is coming from, and that she needs work too can soften the blow a bit. I know you are angry from all the resentment building up and it will be difficult to be understanding but it will fade over time. This time for space will serious be helpful in the long run if you both decide to create a new, stronger relationship. I'd give it a couple months at the minimum, but you don't have to give up on her.

As I always say, you do not need her to be happy and I emphasize it because that is what caused you to tolerate it for so long and as we all know, toleration is not what love is about. You want her in your life to enhance it, to make you more happy, not because without her you are nothing. Right now, it will be tough to want her in her life because it didn't work based on her behavior and decisions. That doesn't mean that it cannot work in the future though. You know what to do in the meantime: gym, friends, things that make you happy, even date around if you feel like it.

[IncognitoSir]

Yeah, I feel you cmacattack. I was putting her before myself and I am currently working out those issues in my life. I'm leaning toward moving on from her because she doesnt understand that I'm not going to give her any of my attention for a while, or atleast until I get myself back on track. She wants it her way, but I know I can handle my own without her at all, after all, my single life was pretty awesome before I started dating her anyway. Nothing wrong with being single.

To Lite, I did enforce my personal boundaries upfront in the relationship, we didnt really start havnig issues until I moved to her city and I'm definately not the needy type, I love my space, but I would like to actually spend time with my gf.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, having an important relationship in your life along with keeping on top of everything else makes it all a very delicate balancing act. At first, everything was wonderful and magic for my exgirlfriend, I showered her with all sorts of attention, gifts, little things, month anniverseries as lame as it sounds and she really dug it. She said I love you, I want to marry you within a month of us officially dating. It kind of scared me a bit, I backed off, and when she wondered what was up, I just shot it down or gave some weak excuse. I was also at the point of graduating college while she was there, hence the distance, and I had to figure out what to do with my future and was concentrating on that. While she was always on my case, crying to me and nagging at me as to why I wasn't doing what I was doing before, I would always go to hang out with my friends to be stupid and blow off some steam when I could have been working it out with her and hanging with her. It really took being apart past all the crying and begging I did after she dumped me to really get my priorities in line and really figure out the problems to fix it.

There were alot of reasons why it didn't work out for me, but ultimately it was a break down in communication and not being honest with how I felt. It sounds alot like that with your girlfriend, somethings bothering her she's not talking about it, she's hanging with her friends to blow off some steam like I said, and you're left pissed off and hurt because you want to fix things. It took me being on my own to really appreciate what I had, and now that I've graduated college, it made me realize how irrelevant all the times I would hang out with them and get drunk would be in the big picture when its time to concentrate on my future, which of course I want to include a wife in. What we had was more special than just hanging out with my friends and it's going to take being on her own to realize that.

Of course now, I pissed off my ex girlfriend and she held onto alot of resentment and she is now with somebody else and there isn't much I can do about it. Your ex has this opportunity to get her priorities in line and understand that she can have both her friends and a loving partner if she manages her time right. That's if she chooses to do this, she chooses to be brutally honest about it with her and you and wants to really work on it. It's just as likely she could have written it off as all your fault and continue to do what she does and for girls too often do they find somebody else to be that crutch which she will more than likely be that way with him too. The lesson will stick eventually, hopefully not to the point where she had the mental breakdown I had. We think that when we meet the one, we will have this miraculous transformation and be a better person because of it. While you want someone to help you become a better person, it's just not realistic to think that you can change them as you spent doing all this time trying to do. Love isn't logical, but everything around it has to be for it to work. And it doesn't sound like she wants to get herself in line for it while you were dating so it didn't really have a chance of working out then.

Doesn't mean it can't in the future. I guess it will be up to you to approach her after some time has passed and let her know that you care about her and that wasn't what you wanted to do but you didn't have a choice in the matter because of her behavior and actions. Keep in mind that you made some mistakes too, that you weren't totally correct on some respects too and let her know this. If she still stands stubborn, then there isn't really much else you could do except let her come to that realization herself. It's entirely possible she could be playing the victim card and being stubborn enough to resist change. Try and let her know that you are just trying to help, and why would you not want to be a better person. I emphasize the time part because if she is still hurt and pissed off, she won't hear a word you say. In my experiences its usually it's a three month minimum no contact to let that anger subside, but there isn't any set timetables.

[IncognitoSir]

Yeah, I agree with you cmac, that makes a lot of sense to me. I told her the day i broke up with her that she wasnt the only one who had made mistakes, I take claim to all my mistakes with her, everytime. Time is what I need though, her as well. I dunno how that'll work out between her and I since we really do have a special bond due to her past that VERY few people know about. Anyways, we'll see what happens from here.

[cmacattack1]

That's what it boils down to, time fixes all and heals all wounds. That was a tough pill to swallow for me and I didn't want to accept it when I was desparate to have her back, I felt like every day was a day she was pulling away from me when all that chasing I did made it worse.

Since you have all the time in the world now, why not put it towards all those good things you can do to have some positive results? The more effort you put in, the more benefits and time will pass by much quicker.

[IncognitoSir]

Truth! I just need closure though. Im going to finish it tonight. I'm done putting myself out there like this nothing.

[cmacattack1]

What do you need closure for? Leave it well alone as it is. You want to make it feel like you close the door completely so you can heal better. You aren't going to get answers out of her unless she wants to come to you and give it them. It's too soon, there is alot of hurt, you have to just let her be right now. You don't know what's in the future, don't force this out right now because you need pain relief. Take it on the chin.

[IncognitoSir]

take it on the chin? That's what I've been doing all this time. I think I get what you're saying though, It's crazy how unclear things are when you're emotions are involved. Ima cool down on it.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, relax, don't make any rash decisions based on impulse. Take it on the chin as in suck it up right now and ride it out. Don't meddle and don't do anything you may regret later. What's done is done, let space and time heal the current split without your intervention in her life anymore.

[lahnnabell]

Dude, I had the same situation in 2008. After my boyfriend graduated with his Masters we had been planning on moving into together. He was looking to get out of his parents' house finally, and I'd had enough of living with 7 other roommates. We'd been dating almost a year at that point, and were both interested in getting more serious. He ended up getting a job in San Diego and so we began to plan to move out here. I had a transferrable job at the time and was trying to get that underway before the move.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in this whole ordeal was burning the bridge at my job. I didn't do this intentionally, but the decision I made had negative results. I had it all set up and officially gave my two weeks notice and was planning to drive out to the West coast after my boyfriend. At the very last minute, he decided that I had to come with him and that it was too dangerous for me to go by myself (at least that was his reason). I pushed back and told him that I could not just leave and screw my boss over. After much debate I grew worried about what it would mean for the relationship if I didn't just get up and leave. Against my better judgment I called my district manager and told him I had to cut my two weeks short. As apologetic as I was, it didn't make up for the irresponsibility in my decision. I had originally been planning to transfer, but nothing would get pushed through because of my poor decision.

I received reassurance from others that I would find a job in no time. And my boyfriend told me he'd support me while I was looking for work. I found a job rather quickly, and then took on a second part-time job to help make ends meet. However, after 6 months of cohabitation it became apparent that my ex was no longer interested in our making our relationship a priority. He would pick fights with me about how I needed to make more money, and find better jobs. I began to get depressed, but I kept on trucking and trying to take it all in stride.

I hold him responsible for a good portion of the decline in our relationship because I know I tried my damn hardest to keep our apartment together, support him through his first year teaching, and work 12-14 hour days regularly. But I hold myself responsible for settling for an initially unstable environment. Never will I do that again. I should have stood my ground and left when I was ready. If he didn't want me to come out by that point, I should have just let him go. Lesson learned.

[cmacattack1]

One of the many pitfalls in love I've come to see is that too often at this early stage full of uncertainty, we believe that no matter what we do or where we are we will be happy as long as we have each other. It's totally unrealistic. I'm not saying it's not possible but too often do we buy into that and the love ends up failing on one end and then where do we land after? We fail to read the signs that it isn't a good idea because we are blinded by our emotions. It also sounded like Lahanna kind of got talked into it by him too, maybe you weren't ready but went along and did it anyway?