Ex contacting me. Just friends or does he want more?

[sunflwr23]

Yeah I am not saying it' different really in the situation. It is still dealing with an ex. But it's just not one of those so soon after the break up things. We've had time to think about things and time to change. I am content with where we are now. He is not talking to another girl and we are still talking some. It will be interesting to see how things develop. I feel like I could see things developing but I don't know

[cmacattack1]

Well you have to be certain about what you want, you have to be prepared for whatever is to happen, and you have to be logical about your decisions even if your emotions are screaming at you to do something. Your uncertainty is really holding you prison in this. You have to change that to certainty to really have a firm grip on everything.

The first question is: what do you want? Do you want to be in a relationship or do you want to be single? And no "I only want to be in a relationship with him..but I rather be single". One or the other. You have to know what you want before you take that next step.

[sunflwr23]

I know what I want. I want a relationship! I want one with him but I am not opposed to a relationship with someone else. I know it's hard to meet someone new when you still have feelings for someone else... But I am not letting myself turn anyone away at first cause I realize otherwise I'd probably turn everyone away before getting to know them because they aren't my ex. I absolutely don't want to be single. That was his line and I don't get that. I am happy with my life but I hate being single. I hate not being able to share my life with someone else. I do miss being in a relationship. I also really miss my ex. There was something about him. I don't miss my other ex's or the relationships we had and they were just as good of boyfriends. I just don't love them the same. I contacted my ex last week-it was SO stupid but it was a moment of weakness. I have initiated the last two conversations and both have been kinda awkward because of me. He still continued the conversations asking about me and wanting to talk but didn't initiate. Which confuses me... If he didn't want to talk to me he would just end the conversation, if he does want to talk why doesn't he start the convo. Maybe he is indifferent, or maybe he's nervous to initiate conversation with me. That's what I hope. I mean I am nervous when I initiate conversations with him. Deep down I know he and I were good together and I know he saw that too. We were really happy but we were also serious and every relationship has struggles and arguments. I just was so hoping he was at a place where he is ready for what we had. He is ready to face his commitment issues. Maybe it won't be until he graduates. I feel like I am the only person he would see himself committing to in that way or did see himself committing to. I am not trying to wait for him by any means. But I wonder if in his mind he is hoping to get back together down the road...He originally said that and I went back and forth between whether I thought he meant that or just said that. He had talked before about being on a break while we were separated physically by schools.I wish there was something I could do. I know I am playing games with him some but if I tell him how I really feel I might push him away. I'm not patient enough for this waiting game to see how things play out and when he contacts me next or what happens when he comes here... Its all kinda anxiety provoking. I know once I am talking to him or once I am with him I will feel comfortable. He always makes me feel comfortable talking to him and loved. I would tell him anything cause he just has that power over me that he just makes me open up but I get so nervous leading up to it.

[cmacattack1]

I see. I'm in the same boat as you. I want somebody in my life to share everything I have to offer and have that intimacy that you can't have with friends or family.

It shouldn't be difficult to meet somebody new when you have feelings for somebody else because you should take it as just friends at first. Most rewarding and long lasting relationship have some sort of friendship built base to go off of. You are reluctant to be with somebody else because you have feelings for your ex when you should be taking it slow anyway. That is another way to ensure a long lasting relationship as well. So you may not be wild about it, but don't shoot them down yet. Get to know them, and the worst that could happen could be just friends if you lose interest. Meeting new people really helps you along.

The conversations were probably awkward because you initiated them out of the blue and it probably caught him off guard. Don't kid yourself into thinking that's the way to get yourself back in because he is still not initiating and no matter how many times you pop up, it won't get him more likely to pursue you. And he may be talking to you because he wants to be nice and entertain you, and he might care about you and how you are doing but maybe not in the way you want. He's not gong to be like "I don't want to talk to you, goodbye". You do that with people you are angry and upset at.

Keep noticing that he isn't initiating. Those actions are speaking pretty loud right now.

You may be telling yourself that you are the only person he could see himself committing to. But you aren't the only one for him. Do not buy into that for a second.

As for telling him how you feel, there is a tactful way to do that. You care about him, you want to be with him, you love him, right? Coming at him saying that, that you want to be back together, you want everything the way you remembered it (the good times) is going to put serious pressure on him, like he has to make a decision. You can go about it a different way. You can tell him that you "love him but it's been a while since you guys have dated and you guys have both come along way. I'm not saying it as a way to guilt you into being back togther with me, just letting you know that you are loved by somebody. What anybody in the world could ever ask for. Maybe we could try dating to see if the new us are compatible?" You don't want to rush back into everything anyway, you want to take things slow and get to know the things you loved about each other again in the first place. Relationships are never really rushed into, and the ones that do usually end in failure.

Not saying to spring into action this second and do that. Just something to mull over. And that's if you feel the way I described. That's how I feel about my ex. And if it wasn't practical for us to be together (i.e. long distance), if it currently can't work, don't fool yourself into thinking it can because you want it to so bad.

Just something to mull over.

[sunflwr23]

Thanks that is exactly how I feel. I am not going to tell him how I feel anytime soon or maybe not even this semester when he has so much on his plate. But if things keep developing that is a great way to put my feelings. You described them accurately. Because I don't necessarily want our old relationship back b/c we have changed. I do want him back and I understand it might be different but I think it has the possibility to be better. By saying I am the only one he wants to settle down with...I meant I am the only person he has ever met/dated that he could see himself settling down with. I am sure there are girls who are not into him, and I am sure he thinks he will meet someone else. Since me though he has not met a girl he sees a future with. I just don't know what was with the random contacting me all the time and initiating contact and now not...

[sunflwr23]

I am so in love with my ex it hurts. I wish I knew what was going through his head these days and how he views me. He obviously misses me in some capacity or he wouldn't have been reaching out to communicate with me. But that has all but stopped which I guess makes another statement. I wish it wasn't so confusing. I love him and he loved me. I just wish we could redevelop a relationship. Valentine's day sucks. At least he isn't dating someone he can spend V-day with. I wish he would fall in love with me again.

[sweetfl]

Every guy is different but be careful.... my ex tried to contact me via email and text, I never replied either, later I find out he broke up with a girl around that same time. I really did not care to answer. Be careful, because you are going to end up feeling bad all over again

[sunflwr23]

Ok so we have still been talking and he was supposed to come visit this weekend. Now he is only coming into town to meet his parents and head back. Then my friend is saying he has only been talking to me cause he wants to have sex. But why would he talk to me regularly for 2 months just to hopefully get laid and then blow me off when the chance comes... what do you guys think? when w first started talking he couldn't have possibly known he was coming into town and then he still talked to me once he knew he wasn't coming for the weekend anymore. yet he still wanted me to know he was coming into town and now he doesn't want to see me at all. Could he reeally have just wanted sex? Guys would you talk a girl up for two months for like 2-3 hrs at a time multiple times a week for just sex to then give up?

[cmacattack1]

I'm sure it's not farfetched to think that some guys would go to those kind of lengths for some action. What does your friend know though, is that just her opinion?

You could ask. Or you could hang out with him and see where it goes. If it goes to sex, than you'll know.

[sunflwr23]

Well I tried talking to him and he got really mad at her. I felt like all this drama came up. Everyone else i knew including her source said they had never heard him say anything like that. But I feel like I messed things up for many reasons. It created drama, if he didn't really want sex then maybe he won't talk to me, and he won't put any moves on me anymore for fear I might think that. I like another guy and I was ditched by him tonight. I just feel like crap! My ex was talking me up and said he wanted to hang out, then he comes to town and ignores the chance to see me. Then this guy who I like (but I think is out of league) was acting all into me and wanting to hang out tonight and he ditches me to sleep. Even though he is an extremely attractive, great guy I still crave my ex. I don't know what to do on either front? I feel like so lame!!

[cmacattack1]

You are missing your ex because you aren't getting what you want from your current guys. You are just getting ditched. It'd be one thing if you had a new and exciting thing that was progressing. But you don't so you are probably going to be stuck in the rut for a while. Those special relationships that leave a lasting impression on you are very few and far between. You can idolize it all you want to, the past is the past though. You guys have both changed a bit since last time, who's to say that it would still work out and you would have that magic connection again?

You are driving yourself crazy with this. It's getting drama brewed up with your friends. You gotta stop reading into this stuff so much. What happened to "assuming small talk is just for the sake of small talk" and not "is there feelings still there because he talked to me?" There may be, but not in the way you want.

[sunflwr23]

Yeah I think you are right. It stinks cause I haven't met anybody that makes me feel anywhere close to what I did with my ex. I attracted to this new guy. I am still in the air if I see it becoming a relationship. He is honestly one of the first guys I've even been attracted to since my ex. What upsets me the most is exactly what you said. My ex and I have changed and we might not work together. I hate thinking that the ideal guy I want to be in a relationship with doesn't exist. I perpetually screw things up with him and read into what he says but he sends a lot of mixed signals. If I could be with anyone in the world I would want to be with my ex granted that he hadn't changed too much. Or rather he had changed for the better. Obviously he has commitment issues and I have dependency issues and if has worked through those he would be the ideal person I want to be with. I just don't know how to be with him or how to get him to want me again. I don't even really know who he is anymore and I want to but I don't know how to get in there and find out.

[Gigabitch]

Yeah I think you are right. It stinks cause I haven't met anybody that makes me feel anywhere close to what I did with my ex.

That's because you're not available. You can't let anyone else into your heart because your ex is standing in the way. Why won't you let yourself get over this guy?

[sunflwr23]

I don't think that is it at all. I have done nothing but try to meet people and I have been open to dating new types of people. Honestly, nothing is working out for me. I'm either meeting guys that I wouldn't have dated before I met my ex or the guy I am interested in doesn't feel that way about me.I know I have standards and I don't date just to date so a guy needs to meet my standards. I have been A LOT more open lately. Before my ex I was single for like 3-4 years and then I had only dated a guy a couple of months. My last real relationship before my ex was probably 7 years before. I don't settle and I don't understand how people can just throw themselves into dating whoever. I am just not attracted to some people I guess and that means I won't date them. I mean I try to loosen my standards but I am not going to settle unreasonably. My ex had a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy. No one else except for this new guy has as many of the qualities.And trust me I have met a handful of guys in the past year. I would love to meet someone new and I am not closing myself off to others in any way. I believe you can have feelings for more than one person at once. Because I have feelings for both my ex and the guy I like and I don't shut down either. I haven't picked one cause they can pursue me. If they both pursued me I don't know who I would I pick. Maybe someone new just out of fear my ex could hurt me again, maybe my ex because of the comfort of it. I am not in that position and I honestly doubt I will ever be. But right now I think I honestly want to be with my ex just as much as I would like to be in a relationship with this new guy (but I don't know him well enough yet to truly make a good call there) if that makes sense.

[cmacattack1]

Well if it helps your decision, your ex isn't there for you and this new guy is.

Yeah you still have feelings for your ex, and based on my experience, I think it's possible to love more than one person too. I'm trying to date and I still have feelings for my ex as well, I perfectly understand where you are coming from.

It's not going to be easy to open up to the new guy I imagine. So just take it slow. Get to know somebody, and feel them out. Taking things slow believe it or not will help to weed out any deceptive guy, and you get to know them all the more and decide on your own if they really are the person for you. Some people might not have the patience for that and they are more than likely problematic anyway.

You aren't afraid to commit to somebody else because you are waiting for him to pop back in your life, are you?