Ex contacting me. Just friends or does he want more?

[sunflwr23]

Since calling me in November and talking for over an hour. My ex hadn't contacted me until he texted to wish me a merry christmas. I soon after actually contacted him online. I intended to make it brief I had a question about something kinda stupid, nothing serious. He answered and asked me a few questions about life and I ended the conversation. He came back and said we should chat sometime soon. I told him he knew how to reach me. We continued talking and he eventually said he wants to hang out again soon. He even claimed he was going to come visit a friend at my school and wanted to see me then. (Let me point out though- this friend has been home for break just like he is and is 5 mins from him for the past 3 weeks and they did not see each other once). We even discussed applying for jobs in the same area down the road.

Since the 2 hr conversation. He has contacted me every three days just about for the past 3 weeks.Always online. Usually it's just to chat. Once it was to give me to respond to my away message, to wish me a happy new year, to ask about my trip, to discuss a movie I suggested watching, etc. He is back at school and even got on from a friends apartment and talked to me online while hanging out with a friend. I am curious to see how this keeps up. I always end the conversation and I don't always respond when he contacts me.

I don't want to ask him what his intentions are for fear of making a bigger deal out of this contact than it is. I am just unsure if this is he is over me and just wants to be friends (but even then I wonder if we keep this up and even start hanging out again those feelings or attraction could return), is he just lonely and is using me, does he want to be more than friends again.

A little background info: We dated a year, both currently at different graduate schools. Any way you slice it (home to school, school to school, home to home) about 2 hrs apart. He broke up with me because the relationship was getting really serious and he did not think he was ready for that. He said he was too young to settle down. He was worried about long distance and the stress of grad school breaking us up in a really ugly way. (not that our breakup wasn't ugly) So he was all around scared and just ended it. We spent time arguing of how to approach this moving apart and becoming long distance. It was ugly at first we did no contact a month. he contacted me once then he started dating this new girl for 3 months and we did zero contact for 4 months. It's been almost a year since the break up.

What do you think his intentions are? Guys especially how should I interpret his behavior and how should I respond?

[sunflwr23]

Also to clarify- he saw himself marrying me but felt he wasn't ready for to be the guy in the committed relationship while most of his friends were single. He was serious about me when we were dating he wasn't opposed to being serious just scared of the forever thinking and talking. He said we were serious and because of that things were about to get really complicated with long distance.

[girl68]

I would proceed with extreme caution.

It doesn't seem like he's using you at this point. But he might not have the purest of intentions.

If you think you're falling for him again I would bow down and out. He could pull the very same line out again.

[cmacattack1]

I think I remember your story in that he dumped you right? He couldn't be that "committed" guy in a relationship while his buddies are all single right? Hah. It's not funny but it reminded me of me, I've always been in a relationship but I would always cut attention from my girlfriend to hang out with my friends and then when she would get upset I would always defend myself "I need to hang with my friends too!" and I may have inadvertantly made her feel like she was needy and out of whack (partially true but mostly I was the asshole in this) While that's true to have friends in your life, it's all an important balancing act and I let my girlfriend slip in my priorities.

There's a number of reasons why. One big one is the concept of love and the one and serious commitment really scared the crap out of me and many guys and the defense mechinism was to not let them in. I've a very open person and seemingly joke about my issues like they aren't a big deal but they are. With most guys these days they are able to hook you and reel you in, once they know they have you is when they give up, get too comfortable or lazy, and just let it turn to shit.

It took my exgirlfriend finally having enough and kicking me to the curb to really have that realization kick in that what we had was more special and me hanging out getting drunk with my buddies all the time, while great once in a while, can't possibly substitute for what a great girlfriend can provide. He has to really get his priorities in line and want to work on himself and work on this if you guys want to have a new and stronger relationship. Keep in mind that you made mistakes too and you have to really look at every fine detail of your relationship with brutally honesty and see where each of you made mistakes and how you can fix it on your end. Why these usually don't work out is that one end doesn't want to do this, and that's because it's usually the dumper that feels like they won and that they are better off without the other. That feeling doesn't last very long, hence alot of times there are attempts at reconciliation out of desparation and lonliness. But that's the wrong reason and more often than not there wasn't enough time to work and fix things.

I still don't believe he has wanted to fix things and get everything in line. He's probably dating or fooling around with others and keeping you strung along with any possibility of reconciliation. It's manipulative behavior and I'm sure he doesn't mean to, but it is what it is. I think he has a feeling you will read into this more than you should so it's important for you to take it as it is. It's asking "how are you doing?" it's not him telling you he still has feelings for you. Don't read into it.

Since he decided to end it, there isn't really his feelings and thoughts to consider anymore. There is only you and how you feel. If what he is doing is messing with your head and not allowing you to get your life back on track, you just need to tell him that this is what you wanted, you need space and that he should respect it. It may be scary to do that, you feel like you could be losing the one, but it's important to remember that there isn't just one "one" for all of us. You will find somebody else and you will love again. You do not need him to be happy, you want him to be in your life to make you more happy. There is a difference and I feel like you are more on the need than the want. Concentrate on you, do what makes you happy, establish some seroius independance and stand on your own two feet. There is nothing more attractive than that and I really believe that once he starts feeling like he is losing you, he will ramp up his efforts to try and get you back, to establish his control over you. I guess it's up to you if you decide to give it another shot again because more likely than not it will be out of desparation. After I got past my initial begging and pleading phase and she stood firm, it really began to sink in what I was doing wrong and get my priorities in line.

Like I said, remember that you do not need him to be happy and do not be afraid of what else is out there. The older we get, the more likely we are to find somebody who is mature and on our level. Use the lesson provided by this relationship to help you in the future, whether it's with him or somebody else.

[sunflwr23]

what you described in the beginning sounded a lot like my ex. He used to say he needed time with his friends. And it irritated me and I think he made me sound clingy when I was actually way more lenient than most girls. I was really patient. I am getting into this with extreme caution! I am assuming that he is talking to another girl already but hoping he wants me back. We will see how things go. Again I really hope our friendship will redevelop into a relationship again. I have changed a lot and gained more independence and he has matured a lot from what I've heard. I really think it could work if he decides this is what he wants. But for now I have no idea. I am just going to make sure I am not always available for him when he wants. Maybe then he will miss me even more!

[cmacattack1]

I was a little more sneaky than that though, I would always shower them with all my attention and everything I could think of, but after a while my efforts would kind of die down when I knew I had them hooked. It's worked for me in the past why would I feel like I need to not do it? Not right off the bat, I need friend time. It would be after a while I would try to get back in with my friends, and put them up there too. When she would complain I wouldn't budge. It would be a stand off until finally she got pissed off and rolled out the "we need to talk" cliche line. Yikes.

A relationship is consistant work I've come to realize, and you have to make a continual effort. I was too selfish to realize that and I'll admit I was afraid to let them in so that in the end I wouldn't be as hurt. I'm a very giving person and I love doing those kinds of cutesy things for my girlfriends, but once I know I have them I put in the bare minimum. Even less. I couldn't believe I would argue about talking everyday. I would always say "I have nothing to talk about" or "I'm boring". No wonder nobody could date me heh. You have to imagine the frustration of my exes to have everything they want in somebody, and when they say they love me and want to marry me, it all dissapears.

Anyway, be careful with the leniancy part. Don't mix it with "toleration" because if you are tolerating something that is making you angry, it's going to build up until you explode. It's a fine line between toleration and neediness too, you don't want to be constantly trying to get on their case about every little thing too because that will push them away. You want to voice your opinion on something a couple times and suggestions for your relationship in a non-nagging tone and if he is stubborn or doesn't comply, back away from him and he'll learn to appreciate it. If you are comfortable with yourself, as much as it will hurt, you are doing the right thing for the both of you.

[sunflwr23]

Yeah he would take me on really nice dates and then every once in awhile it was actually more of the exception that the usual- he would drop me off then go out with friends. A lot of times I hung with him and his friends and went to parties with him and those were my favorites. One night he told me he had a surprise date planned and we went to dinner and then he dropped me off and went to a party for his program and left me at my apartment by myself on a Friday night. I was really upset and that caused one of our arguments but that was a long time before we broke up and he came back and picked me up and we talked it out that night. We had a good balance of time-but sometimes he would say that stuff and he actually said one time we need to work on making sure our alone time is balanced with spending our time together with our friends too. I definitely want to get back together with him and it's ironic cause when he broke up with me he said he could see us getting back together this spring. But then later things were said in arguments implying that wasn't likely. I hope things are heading that way. I am trying to hope for the best and assume that he's already seeing some other girl or something...

[sunflwr23]

I do feel that if this is going to develop into more we will have to be friends and it will need to develop into something more from there. I am not sure he misses me but I don't know if it's in a romantic way or not or if he knows. I hope he still thinks of me that way. If anything I hope our friendship will rekindle the romantic feelings.

[lahnnabell]

Exactly how much time does he want to spend with his friends versus the time he wants to spend with you? Granted, you don't have to allot the time evenly, but it'd be nice to see the break down.

This is usually an age and/or maturity thing when it comes to males. When I roomed with several friends a couple of years ago, I wanted ample time with them as well. We all worked various fluctuating schedules, so we tried to find time to be together on a regular basis. My boyfriend at the time lived a couple of hours away so that he could finish his Masters program on time. We would alternate visiting each other every few weekends, or when I could take consecutive days off from work. But I always made sure to call or try get a hold of him once a day when I couldn't be with him. Even if it was just a 5-10 minute conversation. I'd talk for a bit, wrap up the conversation, and then go socialize with my roomies.

Do you think he'd willing to find some sort balance like this?

[sunflwr23]

well we have been broken up a long time. So its not really an issue of how the time was broken down. When we were dating we hung out every other night during the week cause it was when our schedules were compatible and then usually spent Friday day together and spent at least one of the weekend nights together-usually it was both nights but occasionally it was one depending on my work schedule. We tried to get dinner and lunch together when we could. Week nights were always just the two of us (the last week we dated he wanted to spend every night with me and took me on dates both weekend night) Weekends we would sometimes go on dates just the two of us and sometimes just hang out with friends...

I am more interested now in whether or not his contacting me means he may be wanting to get back together or not!

[lahnnabell]

From what you described you guys spent a lot of time together. If you guys hung out that much on a regular basis, I could see why he would resort to either requesting time with his friends, or seeking them out in attempt to find balance between you and them.

I understand what your question is, but you need to understand that in order for any relationship between you two to function (if that is what you want) there has to be compromise. You complain about how spending ample time with his friends. But from what you told me, you DID spend a lot of time with him. If that is the actual break down of your quality time together, I can see why he eventually he needed space.

[cmacattack1]

You are reading into it too much. If he is contacting you, he wants to contact you. However, if he isn't talking about anything, don't assume it's something more as it is. Remember, he dumped you, and he's the one contacting you still. See the irony of the situation? It's the age old case of keeping you around as a cushion until he most likely finds somebody else.

It's up to you if you want to continue to have him contact you. If it's bothering you, throwing you for an emotional loop, and stringing you along, you have to let him know that and he should respect your space. Period. You might be afraid of losing him, but you shouldn't be. This is about you now, not about him. Do you really want to be just friends with him, or are you being friends with him as hope to catapult back into a relationship? You have to ask yourself these questions, be honest, and you will get some answers.

[sunflwr23]

what would be a sign that he might want to be more than just friends?

[lahnnabell]

If he wants to see you, or go out with you at some point. If he just feels like doing this back and forth deal online, then he's probably bored and playing a bit of a game. Or he could just be nervous about taking it to the next level considering your history. You may need to help him in this department if you want to see any positive changes.

[Tallgeese]

this guy sounds like a jerk. First he breaks up with you and then comes crawling back. Who does he think he is?