Help! He's totally into me and I'm married. Hard part is, I'm in to him!

[clair23]

So.. I have a situation. I have been married for a few years and this has never happened to me. I'm 22 and I have three children. I have a 5 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 18 mo. old. I am basically like a single parent because I'm always on my own with the kids for the most part. My problem is, the school my son goes to, there is a teacher that I met his very first day and there is total chemistry between he and I. He knows, obviously that I have children and he still continues to flirt. He's the really shy type, yet you can just really tell there is something he is holding back from saying. He always goes out of his way to talk to me and finds excuses to be around me more...like the other day, my son misplaced his jacket. I was looking for it and he overheard me telling my son's teacher that it was this red coat, bla bla bla. I described it to the tee and this teacher I have a crush on said it may be in his class room. When I said "cool, I'll go look", he said "oh, I'll show you where my class room is". I completely know where his class is, he just wanted to be around me more away from the other teachers..I mean seriously, I'm leaving out some minor details, but it could not have been more obvious and things like that happen all the time. The first day he met my other two children, he said "they are beautiful, just like their mommy" and he is always complimenting me.

I see him every morning when I drop my son off and every afternoon when I go pick him up. For a few minutes in the morning, all the students and teachers stand in individual lines to say the pledge before heading back to the rooms. There is a good 5 to 10 minutes we stand there right next to eachother and you can tell he's just pulling questions from his ass, just to talk to me... and I like it.
To back track a little, I just want to make clear that yes, I am married, so please do not judge me but you have to understand how my marriage is. My husband and I know for a FACT he has cheated on me and he is still super sneaky with his work all the time and "mandatory meetings"...a whole other story. I feel stuck though, because here we are with 3 kids and these kids are my life so I need to make sure they have a roof over their heads, so I am staying with him just for that purpose. I am starting nursing school before too long, and once I become a nurse, my situation will be a lot different and I will have more options after that.

Until then, I am going crazy!! This is where I need advice. This man is constantly on my mind. When I go drop off my son, I get butterflies every morning because I know I'm going to see him. Same thing in the afternoons... He calls me by my name all the time instead of my last name which melts my heart because usually with schools, the teachers will say "Mr." or "Mrs." and whatever your last name is. I went for a while without knowing what his name was and that was driving me too crazy, so I asked him one morning and he told me and then asked for mine and since then, he's never called me by my last name. That same day, he also asked if my last name was my maiden name or married name. I cringed and told him it was my married name. I quickly told him my maiden name as well and he said "oh, that's a pretty last name". He didn't have too much to say about my married name though. If I could turn back freaking time, I would have told him that day in a professional, casual way that it may not be my married name for too much longer.. lol, just so he would have a better idea about my situation. I didn't though, dammit!

So basically it's the same thing every day. He's soo nice to my children. He's always patting them on the back and talking to them as they walk past them and tells me how beautiful they are and this and that. I HATE Fridays lately, because that means I have to go two days (the weekend) without seeing him. Here's the tricky part.. I try not to flirt too much with him in front of the other teachers because women can read each other and I don't want them to know quite yet that I have a crush on him...so a couple times, I have wanted to say something to him so bad, but I can't because the other teachers are usually standing around. I am 100% positive he feels the same way...like I said earlier, it couldn't be any more obvious. I know he has a step child that is grown (in college), so it's obvious he has no problem dating women who have children. He is not married, by the way.

What I'm wondering is, should I tell him that I have a crush on him? I mean, I don't want him to judge me and think I'm horrible, but I don't know how to bring up the subject that my relationship with my husband sucks to him. We already talked about me being married, what would I possibly say? Oh by the way, I hate my husband? lol. I have been completely dying inside though because I told myself I was going to let it pass and not say anything, but I feel like I can't do that anymore and we still have another 4 months to go before the school year ends. There's no way I can let the school year end and never see him again without at least casually telling him I'm into him but I have a sucky situation. This man cannot be found on the damn internet either, because I thought that would be the easiest solution..to send him an e-mail or message. He obviously isn't a big computer user. I thought about writing him a note and letting him know, but how would I give it to him without anyone else noticing, and is it too early for that? I've only known him for a couple months. Please give me some advice. He's into me and I'm into him...tell him, or not tell him? And how?

By the way, I would never physically cheat on my husband, but at the same time, there isn't a law that says you can't tell someone how you feel about them..right?

Thanks!!

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, tell him how you feel. Find out he's into you too. Develop feelings that you try to deny, end up having an affair. Destroy your spouse and your family b/c of some feelings and end up alone b/c this guy will run once he realizes you would actually put sex/feelings above your family.

Or... mbe you can just realize (a bit younger than average) that these feelings is just biological programming designed to make you want to reproduce with as many men as you can while you are still fertile. Truth.

Nothing wrong with feelings. Only acting on them. If you are lacking attention in your marriage, focus your energy on that. Its not uncommon for couples who are married a while w/kids to let the relationship slide. Think about it.

[TheWizard]

Not to be concieted but I didn't even read the post and I came to the same conclusion that IndiReloaded did. The attraction you feel is normal and it will happen again, it's biological and the only thing that makes he difference between a real man/woman and a cheater is not acting on those impulses.

Think about the last time you were in a Best buy (or the female equivalent) and almost talked yourself into spending 500 on something you don't actually need. In fact you have one already you just want a fancier one.

You're married now. Think about more than your feelings and do the right thing - before it gets out of hand.

[Perryville]

Clair, you are on an extremely slippery slope. If you tell him about your feelings, NOTHING will ever be the same again, If he has the same feelings, then you will be in an emotional affair. If he doesn't return your feelings, then how will you deal with that? What if he tells a co-worker? If you tell him, your husband will almost certainly find out sooner or later. Then, how will it impact your children? My best advice is to NEVER, EVER TELL HIM, ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

[kai]

Get out of there before it ruins your marriage and the life of your young kids.

[vashti]

Even though just getting IN to nursing school is tough, getting IN and getting THROUGH it aren't the same thing at all. Nursing school is very difficult. My school flunked out at least 1/3 of the class before graduation, and then a couple more couldn't pass their boards. Additionally, the job market is tough for nurses. Some people I know that graduated a year ago still can't find work.

My point is, you aren't done needing your husband. Don't be a fool.

And for the record, your kids will still need him, even when you don't.

[sookie6]

I don't think you'll be pleased with what I am about to say.

It seems you are not happy in your mariage...but you can't have your husband paying for the bills while you are playing fiddle with someone else.

You have got 3 young children who need their father. The youngest one is 18 months!

When did you decide that the father was not suitable anymore?

Also you need to bear in mind that very few men would take on the charge of 3 young kids if they are not the father. Kids are time and energy consuming.

I think of myself as very forward thinking but at the same time once you have children you need to make compromises for their well being.
It is part of growing up and you chose to grow up earlier than usual by having children so young.

Stick with your mariage. It's early days. Your kids need you.

[irrelevant_89]

Get out of there before it ruins your marriage and the life of your young kids.

Wait: her husband has already cheated, and is likely to do it again according the the OP... isn't the marriage pretty much ruined after that, at least as a love relationship?

Clair, I don't have much authority to give advice, and I'm not telling you to go forth and cheat (eye for an eye is not right). But I can see your point of view. It's really tough to live in a crappy (and too early, you had your first kid at 17, not an ideal situation...) marriage like that. At this point it's more like a contract to raise the children than anything... and it's because of the children that you can't break it all off, not yet at least.

If you go tell him what you feel, it's gonna be either cheat or divorce, most likely. And you can't really afford either. Sucks... but sometimes it's just like that. You're young... when those kids are older you can think of divorcing and enjoying life.

[clair23]

Ruins my marriage? My marriage is already ruined.

[clair23]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I just want to remind a few of you something that "irrelevant_89" pointed out. My husband cheats on me. He, in fact is a complete douche bag. There are all kinds of things I could let you all know about my husband but bottom line, yes I am married to him. I never found out he was not a suitable father. He is a pretty good father (at least the time he is actually with the kids which is rare). He just isn't a suitable husband. My thing is, my mom suffered for years with my dad. He treated her like dirt and she stayed with him and I used to get so mad at her and would tell her "you deserve so much more than what you are getting from him... stop putting up with him!" Now she tells me, "well I've been married to him for this long, I might as well stay with him". I'm sorry, but I will NOT be in that situation. I understand that for the time being, I need to keep my head held high and get through this, but when the kids are old enough to understand why I am leaving their father (if that is what I decide to do), then I am gone. To me, parents who fight or have differences that cannot be worked out, it is unfair for the kids to have to live with that. It's bad enough now while they are young...it's only going to get worse when they are older, especially when they are teenagers. Plus, I cannot forget that he cheated on me. I have no love left for him. I was stuck though and still am stuck and will be stuck for a while. Honestly, a part of me doesn't give a shit if I have an affair.. karma for him! The flip side, I'm not going to stoop to his level. Does anyone not believe, just out of curiosity that maybe I could tell this man my feelings and even if his feelings were mutual, him understand my situation and know nothing could happen YET between us? There is no law that we could not stay friends. Trust me, I have a lot of will power not to cheat. I've had PLENTY of opportunities in the past. I rarely ever go out in public without a man hitting on me, even with my kids with me! Also, look at the will power I have to stay married to by S.O.B of a husband that cheated on me. Could any of you stay married to someone that cheated on you?

I see all your points, but I am still wondering what you think of what I just said... if I tell him, that does not mean we are going to have an affair. Just because that's how it USUALLY happens, doesn't mean that is the way it would be with me.

"Yes, tell him how you feel. Find out he's into you too. Develop feelings that you try to deny, end up having an affair. Destroy your spouse and your family b/c of some feelings and end up alone b/c this guy will run once he realizes you would actually put sex/feelings above your family.".... I never said anything about sex.

Any extra advice would be appreciated.

Thank you guys!

[irrelevant_89]

He treated her like dirt and she stayed with him and I used to get so mad at her and would tell her "you deserve so much more than what you are getting from him... stop putting up with him!"

omg, I used to tell my mom exactly the same thing... we're a bunch of disillusioned ones, lol. Except my mom actually divorced a few years ago, which was good for all of us.

[sookie6]

Also, look at the will power I have to stay married to by S.O.B of a husband that cheated on me. Could any of you stay married to someone that cheated on you?
Thank you guys!

Ok i am only saying this because you are asking our opinion not to lecture you or to attack you...

Indeed If my husband was supporting the household + he was a decent father I would not risk to jeopardise the balance at home to go after a hypothical romance or frienship with a man I know fancies me.

The children are very young. They need 100% of your attention. I am not saying that you need to forget yourself as a woman but this teacher won't pay the bills. And for now the kids need a roof, clothes, food...

On the other hand if you feel that you deserve some romance (since your husband cheated on you) go ahead and tell this man how you feel. But I don't expect something long term will develop.
You seem to take pride in catching the eye of men at the supermaket but attracting is one thing, keeping a man will be more of a challenge with 3 young children to feed and babysit!

Again I am not trying to put you down here. I am not saying you should be denied a love life.

I am just urging you to focus on your children.

I would say the same to my young sister if she was coming to me with the same problem.

This is my 2 cents. I won't say anymore on this.

[lahnnabell]

Clair, I understand your predicament (as much as an unmarried, childless 25 year old can) and the difficulty you face. In fact, given your marriage situation, I commend you for being able to stick this out for your kids. However, I do feel that it is in your and your children's best interest for you to remain faithful to your husband. What do you think you can gain by admitting your feelings for this other man? I know you are enjoying his affections, but this arrangement is likely to backfire given how precarious your situation is.

I'm sure you are starved for affection and love, and I am sorry that you are in this situation. Think of this way too, pretty soon you'll be starting nursing school and you won't have time for much of this drama anyway. I say keep looking forward.

[IndiReloaded]

If your husband is such a douche (cheater) then you need to focus on getting your FAMILY sorted out. Get your career established, suck it up like Vash said until you are able to walk. Cleanly.

Getting yourself entangled with this other guy definitely won't simplify things, and it could make your family situation very much worse. If your boyfriend had any class, he would leave you alone until you got yourself and your family situation sorted out (i.e. divorced). Seems like you have a talent for picking selfish guys, your husband and your new BF included.

If you go ahead and have an emotional affair with this other guy, that's on the path to cheating as well. Which makes you are no better than your loser husband--neither of you have the willpower to do what is right for your kids.

But, you sound like someone who doesn't really want to hear objective advice--only what you want to hear to justify your behaviour. It must be tough, being married to a schmuck and trying to balance school and your kids. I'm sure you are desperate for some kind of emotional support. But I'm amazed that you even have TIME to be spending on this other 'friend' with everything else you have going on.

Good luck. Try not to screw up your kids in all this. Personally, I would eat my own shit before I let my marriage problems affect my children. They shouldn't be made to suffer your bad choices.

[clair23]

"If your husband is such a douche (cheater) then you need to focus on getting your FAMILY sorted out. Get your career established, suck it up like Vash said until you are able to walk. Cleanly."

Get what sorted out? There's nothing left to sort. My husband did what he did and still continues to live life like he doesn't have a wife half the time and kids . For me, I focus mainly on my children. What do I have to sort out with my husband? Either you forgive or you don't forgive. I'm going to suck it up like "Vash" and pretend to forgive him and then in the end when I'm stable enough to leave, man he will be surprised.