Don't know where to ask this... Could use some advice...

[Graham Berkeley]

Over the summer I met an older woman at the grocery store. We ended up talking in a coffee shop for almost 3 hours that day. I got her number but didn't really follow up...

In October I decided to look her up on facebook. We "friended" each other and eventually we met for dinner and since then we have become good friends. We shared stories of wow and joy and generally really have a good time with each other.

Something I took note of even back then was how friendly an physical she is with everyone and no matter how mean or screwed up someone is she finds something good about them and tries to maintain some sort of relationship with them...

In the interim of this friendship she hooked up with a guy that was just plain bad news. He had a criminal record and some pretty severe mental issues. Their relationship came to and end after just over a month and she became REALLY depressed. She told me how even though she was married for 7 years this last guy made her feel more important and special than any other guy had.

In the last couple months we've hung out a lot and gone to a lot of bars, even set each other up on blind dates. I keep it platonic because I am not ready to move toward anything romantic with anyone...

We went out for coffee last Sunday as typical and at the end of the night just as I dropped her off at home she broke down in my arms and began crying. Her life has been pretty rough since her divorce 2.5 years ago. She lost her job and had to move back in with her parents. Even had her car totaled. She broke down telling me she is at rock bottom. I held her in my arms and told her just how capable of a person I think she is and this feeling is only temporary. She cried harder saying something about how its so hard to find someone who can recognize anything in her. In the midst of the break down it came out that she had been sexually assaulted as a young teenager. She didn't say by who and quickly got out of the car afterward. Like she had let it slip. She sent me an e-mail the following day telling me she was sorry she had to go in such a hurry but that she felt really lucky having me as a friend. Since then we haven't seen each other and only talk over e-mail. She hasn't brought anything up so neither have I.

Somehow in the bottom of my heart I knew she had been assaulted... Something about the way she was so physically friendly with everyone. A couple of mutual acquaintances have told me that since her break up she has messed around with A LOT of guys and they have all been raging losers like her recent Ex.

Since last Sunday I've been a jumble of emotions. I care about this woman A LOT and respect her very much... I don't know what to think.

[Coco]

What do you mean you don't know what to think? She's emotionally traumatized and her reckless behavior is proof of that. You are her friend, you should be there for her and continue to be a breath of fresh air in her life.

[Graham Berkeley]

Oh of course! I just... Its just hard to stay emotionless and detached when you care about someone... I'm worried about her being out there reckless with more losers. I'm worried about her catching something... I'm worried about how hopeless she seems to be. I guess part of me is almost worried about getting pulled down with the ship if that makes sense. Selfish as hell I know...

[Coco]

k I get it. I would have a heart to heart with her. In person though. Seems like she is starting to withdraw even from you and that's not a good sign either.

[misombra]

i'd be careful about how much you care about this person. it's very hard to watch somebody you care a lot about hurt themselves.

be careful about becoming the knight in shining armour.

[Graham Berkeley]

k I get it. I would have a heart to heart with her. In person though. Seems like she is starting to withdraw even from you and that's not a good sign either.

Don't know how to initiate the heart to heart... Why would she be withdrawing from me?

be careful about becoming the knight in shining armour.

Of course. We have had a conversation about that. She once, disappointedly, asked me if I thought I was her knight in shining armor. I told her I can't save her but maybe I can be there to remind her she can save herself. She seemed to really be touched by that...

[Mish]

Since last Sunday I've been a jumble of emotions. I care about this woman A LOT and respect her very much... I don't know what to think.

Are you sure she is just a friend and not a crush?

[Graham Berkeley]

She is a friend first and foremost. Entertaining any other idea right now would be a bad thing.

[bluesummer]

I think entertaining anything beyond friendship at this point in time is definitely out of the question.

Maybe you can just be an ear for her, it seems she trusts you. But set a boundary on that, because you also don't want to become someone's emotional punching bag. Some people, once they find a hint of sympathy or comfort from a source, they tend to unload all over it.

[Graham Berkeley]

I think entertaining anything beyond friendship at this point in time is definitely out of the question.

Maybe you can just be an ear for her, it seems she trusts you. But set a boundary on that, because you also don't want to become someone's emotional punching bag. Some people, once they find a hint of sympathy or comfort from a source, they tend to unload all over it.

True. Another thing is I don't want to turn into the guy she only calls when shes having a bad day and needs attention...

[bluesummer]

Exactly. The emotional tampon. "Soak up all my bad feelings and make me feel good about myself."

Then you're the one left feeling all negative. No thanks, like I said, I would set some huge boundaries with that. If you're constantly talking about her issues and not just haniging out and ENJOYING each other's company, it's time to cut ties. She should show some interest in YOU too. I find that a lot of 'victimized' people are sort of selfish that way. It's like something bad happened to them and now it's everybodys' responsibility to feel bad for them and support them. No it's not. She's a big girl now, time to throw out the baggage.

[Graham Berkeley]

Exactly. The emotional tampon. "Soak up all my bad feelings and make me feel good about myself."

Then you're the one left feeling all negative. No thanks, like I said, I would set some huge boundaries with that. If you're constantly talking about her issues and not just haniging out and ENJOYING each other's company, it's time to cut ties. She should show some interest in YOU too. I find that a lot of 'victimized' people are sort of selfish that way. It's like something bad happened to them and now it's everybodys' responsibility to feel bad for them and support them. No it's not. She's a big girl now, time to throw out the baggage.

She does take interest in me most of the time. Thats one of the reasons I we get along so well. Sometime though I notice she either ignores me or forgets about me here and there and then I hear shes been fooling around with some guy...

[vashti]

I agree with misombra and blue about this. You should be VERY careful about being used as her emotional tampon. She has already crossed a boundary IMO by telling you about the alleged sexual assault and then blubbering all over your shoulder. That isn't the kind of info/behavior you share with a casual friend, especially one of the opposite gender.

I think you are right to be worried about being dragged down with her.

[Graham Berkeley]

Vashti, were a closer than casual friends. I don't think she meant to. Shes in a rough situation right now and very depressed...

[IndiReloaded]

Bleh. There are so many healthy people to interact with. Unless you are planning to sleep with her, what is your motive for hanging around this gal? Psychology experiment?