Shell

[Zekk_T_Strife]

On the outside I'm build like steel. Strong muscles, rugged facial hair, and intimidating yet caring eyes depending on what side of me you get on. Inside, however, I might as well be made of glass. One rogue comment can send my entire world into oblivion. No matter what steps I take to rebuild my emotional empire I'm left with little more than a pile of broken shard and annihilated dreams. Sometimes I want to forget rebuilding, just go through life with a jumbled mess of emotions, bitter, hateful. But I can't, I've lived that life before and I can't bring myself to go back. Where once I was nothing but happy, such a dream now eludes me. I find pleasure in very little and I feel a need to escape, to be rescued. I have so little left to run on, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to last. I'm starting to sleep more and more, I'm afraid one time I won't wake. I feel something drawing closer, something large, something poweful, something unknown. I really just need a savior, someone to pull me from this darkness and help me to reside in the light I've longed for.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Alright, so I see no one has responded to this post. I just wanna apologize to you all, I've been a bit depressed lately and this is my second horrid post. I wrote this when one of the three people in my life that I love hurt me. She said that she couldn't be with me because the distance was too hard and she couldn't go through with just seeing me on holidays and summer (being that she goes to school in another state). Then the night I wrote this she told me that she's officially with this guy half way across the country whom she's never met. It just hurt a lot and it brought me down for a while. But I've bounced back, Karli's current boyfriend Thomas has been at home for two weeks for Thanksgiving and Karli and I have been spending TONS of time together. It's like every second I spend with her (when she doesn't talk about Thomas of course) is a little more I peak out of the hole I'm in. The only thing I fear is that when he comes back home tomorrow she won't ditch me for him. Tomorrow should be a great day though, I'm hanging out with both Karli and my ex Katie (look for my posts in the Kissing Forum :wink: ). I'll keep you posted on what happens, I'm just very fragile so I break easily and I'm hard to mend, thanks for listening, really, thank you all.

[Illusional]

honestly i think that you're bring yourself down. you're letting all these bad thoughts get to you. holding on to someone that doesn't show you the same feelings in return is a waste of time in my eyes because you're holding on to nothing. believe me i was there, or still kinda am. this is why i'm been down for the past how many weeks but i'm learning to see things differently. it's pointless to want something that you're not bound to have. being there are many others that will cherish what you have to often, you should take your business elsewhere. it will get you out of the hole that you're feeling stuck in and shine new light upon your dreams. raverboy

[Zekk_T_Strife]

A nice proposition but I can't see it as being possible. Karli is the only soul I've ever attached to, the only person I've ever loved this much. I can't imagine a life without her, nor shall I have one. As long as she will be in my life (which will be until the day I die if I can help it) I will always desire to be with her. I can still imagine only her as being my "first" and being the woman I marry. I know it probably sound stupid of me, but it's the only way I can think. Karli is the greatest love I've ever known. I hope I make sense.

[Illusional]

regauardless of how strong your desire is, trust me, if it never fullfilled, then you will always have a drive. the part that you'll need to learn is when to give up? i was chasing a girl that i liked for the longest time, and every little thing that she said or done for me, i took in the wrong way. there was no chance that i would ever have a relationship with her because i was just her best friend. i'm telling you straight up, that if you're chasing a person that doesn't ever want to be more than friends or that will never show you the same feelings that you give to them, it's not worth the chase. you'll end up with a feeling of wasted time after it's all over, and i'm just helping you realize it before you spend too long chasing a dream that might never come true. raverboy

[Killerbabe]

Ok. Hold on there. So we three have the same problem. We're in love with our best friends, right? (I mean I got over him but I can still relate to how you feel)
Interesting. Zekk, I don't think you're stupid for wanting her to be your "first" and being the wonam you marry. In fact, I think it's just wonderful, ignoring the fact that she seems to have quite a different perspective regarding your friendship. I think it's just marvellous that you're such a sensitive and a caring person, who doesn't wanna have sex just for pleasure.
I just felt so many times like you. All I ever wanted to was to sleep (and that was the only time I wouldn't suffer). I just wanted to crawl under my bed and never come out. I stopped taking care of myself, and felt like wearing pj's big time. I wouldn't wear make-up or style my hair. I wouldn't care about anything. I just hoped that something beutiful would happen to me, and that suddenly my life would becoe nice again. And it did. I met Alexey (my ex). sigh
I really don't know what to tell you. It's just that I found a new source of love, deeper than this one, in God.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Well, Illusional, I don't know what else to say. I can't give up. I think about it, and I wonder what would happen if I gave up the chase. First of all theres NO WAY I could give up without removing her from my life. This I would NEVER do. Secondly, if I were able to give up, I have no other source of love to turn to. I mean, she may only want to be friends with me right now, but at least she loves me. I can't just turn my back on the greatest mutual love of my life. Besides, I can still see us possibly ending up together. My parents, her parents, her grandparents, people at her work (which is the same place my parents work) all see us getting married or they want us to. I know I want to, and when we talk about it she gets this great smile on her face, like she knows thats where she wants to end up, in my arms til death do us part. I just have a great deal of hope and I'm not ready to give up yet.

[Illusional]

*knocks on your head* damn boy, your head is as hard as mines.

no matter how many times i tell you or whoever tells you that you're destined to be together..you're desire to be with her won't do you any good if she doesn't return the feelings. you can love her till the day that you die, but but BUT if she doesn't want to be with you then what? you're stuck in a position where you're giving everything to someone that doesn't want to return it. sure she will be your friend, but nothing more. i'm telling you that i've been through this before and i know how hard it is to let go on someone, reguardless of how you feel. your heart will always have a special place for her, but that is the only place she will remain. trust me, you'll see differently when you actually take a chunk of reality and grasp it.

in reguards to killer, i know that you think it's sweet, shit, i thought the girl that i wanted to be with would think the same. but trying and trying and you end up being in the same place, stuck in quicksand, there will have to be a point where you're willing to call it quits. raverboy

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I just can't see it Illusional, I can't see a life other than this. Even if she bleeds my heart dry with all I give to her, what else is there for me? Ok, let's say I was successfully able to let go, then what? Then I'm more alone that I was before. Sure it may be a heavy cost but having someone so close is worth it. Without her I really don't have anybody else. My high school friends went to different parts of the country to go to school, and I go to a commuter college myself so making friends isn't easy. Add in that I'm a HUGE introvert and it's damned impossible. It's my pathetic way of hanging on to the only thing that I pretend gives me joy. I'm really stuck Illusional, and between two negative outcomes. I'm just choosing the lesser of two pains.

[Illusional]

hrmm...you're stuck in a world where you're not wanting to try. you said that hanging on to her is the only way you find joy, but what type of joy is that? i think that if you move on, you don't lose a big part of your life, but you'll realize that her friendship isn't lost. you can cope with this better because you're not hanging on to her and you can MOVE ON. yes you did hear it right. moving on is always the hardest thing, but when you realize it and find another person, you'll see what i'm talking about. raverboy

[Zekk_T_Strife]

It's not so much a world of not wanting to try, it's a world of not wanting to give up. I'm perfectly content in the friendship we have now. Yes it would be nice if we would be together but no it isn't essential right now. I mean, do you really think that there no hope when she is so set on moving in with me next year? I mean she already knows how she wants to decorate the place and everything. She's obviously willing to commit to being a large part of my life, why ignore that? I still can see getting married to her in the future, its not just a dream in my head. I run through in my head all different kinds of ways to propose to her. That, however, is down the road quite a few but you catch my meaning.

[Illusional]

moving in with you? that is different... but honestly, how does she view you? she might actually just think of you as a friend and you are only seeing things how you want to. i can move in with my ex but that doesn't mean we will ever get back together again. we are content with being friends and nothing more will "ever" happen. she might share this view as i do. what i'm saying is that you should also try to see things from her eyes and imagine her thoughts. not still living in a dream..or rather.. waiting for things to turn your way. i've done the waiting and it wasn't worth it.. and i've waited more than once. raverboy

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I'd rather be full of hope and warmth in a dream world than return to a cold soulless sociopath in the real world as I used to be.

[Illusional]

living in a dream isn't all that it's cracked up to be. no matter which way you look at it, nothing is real so when you finally decide to accept your fate, it will be much harder to deal with. raverboy

[Zekk_T_Strife]

What says living in reality is all it's cracked up to be either? What's to say my dream world isn't reality enough? And either way, why question it? It's the only way I'm able to cope with the reality I was given. Alright, so Karli and I may never get together, I'm perfectly able to accept that possibility. But the possibility of us ending up together, no matter how slight, I'm not going to give up on. She's my soulmate, and I'll never give up on loving her the way I do. I hope you can understand that.