just told gf to leave for online cheating...

[whyme]

Hi everyone,
I'm feeling very strange and confused right now...
Here's my story:
In late 2001 I met a girl on a dating chat website. We got on great, chatting for a couple of months online and met early in 2002. She lived about 200 miles away and I decided to move near to her weeks after meeting.
We seemed to get on really well, liking the same things and could enjoy each others company in the evenings and were with each other nearly all the time.
In 2003 she got to know a few guys online and did actually meet up with one while I was away one weekend and I found she had posted on a forum about her feelings for him on my PC. We made up though and carried on...
She did have this panic disorder thing with anxiety etc which at times and I admit that we had arguments at times and I also on occasion got irritable and there was occasional name calling in arguments but no physical abuse or anything.
The problem is and has always been with her creating online profiles which attract male interest and they often seem to indicate that she's single and looking for someone. Only last summer I found a profile where she'd commented on other guys photos.
I became really suspicious and started checking up on her activities and then found her typing quite a loved up message to a guy about how she wanted to be with him etc. I questioned it and said we should break up but she said she was only messing about. I noticed she had a new friend on one social site and asked who it was and she said it might have been a school friend or something. I more recently found an offline message on her PC saying something about doing things with her from that guy. Every time these things happen she takes action to try and reassure me but tonight I found a long e-mail in a text file that she had written for that other guy even referring to me as just a 'flat mate' and told her we were breaking up. She was shocked and again denied it and said loads of things like it just being a bit of fun and wouldn't meet up with him and that she didn't like him...
I said that it'll just happen again as she's just prone to doing it and it makes me feel uncomfortable even though she swears she hasn't met these guys and wouldn't...
I just feel so annoyed really that she has this in her as I feel very happy in my life and thought our relationship was great. We'd talk loads, have the same sense of humour, enjoy everything we do together...
Have I done the right thing breaking up with her?

[SamFrmMelbourne]

Give yourself a pad on the back because you have done the right thing. Obviously your ex has serious commitment issues and no respect whatsoever to your position as her boyfriend.

[whyme]

Thanks SamFrmMelbourne, it's been really stressful for me the whole time I've been with her because I've always worried about her cheating behind my back. I mean I admit I'm very insecure in that respect but the whole time I've been with her she hasn't really done anything to truly instill any confidence in me. I kept telling her that her telling me how much I meant to her etc. was empty and pointless when she was doing all this behind my back...

[whyme87]

Hi

I had a very similar problem she virtually created a 'new life' online for herself saying I was just 'a mate' it hurts and i had all the same stuff...she made my life hell.

[SamFrmMelbourne]

Are you two clones of each others? You have very similar user name and life experience!

Whyme, your insecurity might arise from her repeated attempts to cheat and cover them up. It's not you being insecure, but you're being cautious because she lost your trust. You insisted the relationship could go on because you let your emotions to control you and convince yourself the relationship was salvageable. If there is a lesson learned from this relationship, once you detect an issue as serious as this one, you should let your clarity, and not emotions, define you.

[whyme]

Thanks whyme87 (sorry for plagiarising the nickname by the way!). It just feels really weird right now as we were so close (well I felt we were anyway). It's so hard breaking up, this is my first real relationship. I think she probably believed I'd always stay with her because of that. It's so much more hurtful to read what she said to other guys when it was the sort of stuff she said to me when we were getting to know each other...
She's very affectionate towards me and very physical in that sense, it wasn't like she was acting really cold towards me or anything. I kept telling her it was like she was using me as security whilst she played the field as such. Like she always had someone to come home to. Of course she'd deny such a thing, as she lied about all her online communications with guys. I got her to uninstall a chat program the other day, before she did I asked if she had it and she straight out told me no she didn't so I got her to load her PC up and she claimed it was installed with something else and she didn't install it etc...

[whyme]

I've just received a huge e-mail from her trying to explain everything. It's much more than she'd normally write. She's willing to do anything to make it up to me etc but I keep thinking she'll just do it again a few months down the line when things are happy and normal again which keeps bringing me down. I'm thinking there are girls out there who won't make me feel happy then keep knocking me down. She's said before that she likes the 'chase' and flirting. I mean we don't chat etc as we did when we first met and she misses all that. Thing is of course we're together in the same room, why chat online??!!!

[SamFrmMelbourne]

Whyme, you got it correct. She knew you had a soft spot on your heart for her and she was using it to keep you around. She felt her position was secure and kept on abusing it until one day you couldn't take it anymore. Good on you that the relationship is over because it would bring nothing but pain to you.

And you're on the right track about what you think of her attempt to make it up for you. She needs to grow up. She needs to learn to appreciate what she has/had, that being flirty while having a relationship with someone is not the right thing to do. If you accepted her back, she wouldn't learn and she would simply go back to her old habit of taking you for granted. Let her learn that every action has a consequence.

[whyme]

Thanks again SamFrmMelbourne. I somehow feel now that she's destroyed my feelings for her by seeing all this, like my feelings have been withdrawn for my own security. I feel like now I want to find someone else instead whereas before now I've done everything I can to ignore the things I found out. Now I just feel like 'what's the point' in making any effort when I just get hurt in return. I think I just miss the company now as I'm in a house all by myself, not really missing being in the relationship with her, I feel like that has now died...

[IncognitoSir]

yeah, you cant trust her man, you did the right thing. Another liar dismissed!

[whyme87]

Wow this is so similar to me you're right!!
When i found out what you did i ended it.she begged for me back and like a fool i did take her back.the trust had gone though and everything she done i thought she was cheating in some way.

Don't take her back

[iateyourcookie]

I'm sure everyone else will tell you to cut off all contact with her. She's no good; and like you said, she'll do it again in a few months time. SamFrmMelbourne's right - she does have serious commitment issues.

Personally I don't know why she would rather go online and flirt with them when she has a real boyfriend in real life. Just doesn't make sense to me...

[cmacattack1]

Everybody's got their own issues and it has them act out in imcomprehensible ways.

I ask myself everyday why I wasn't happy with a beautiful girlfriend who was intellegent and loved me for who I was and wanted to make me happy with everything she knew how to. She wanted to have sex all the time and wondered why I didn't. Wondered why I was so distant and depressed all the time when I clearly have a lot going for me.

It took me wanting to get the root of the problem and understand why I would act like that. Unfortunately that doesn't reverse time and change what has happened.

The point is it's not really you. You've made mistakes and contributed, yes. But it's ultimately on her to want to figure shit out for herself. Recognize what you did wrong and what was in your control and take in the lessons.

[Roymax]

Based on what you said, clearly her heart was not in the right place with you and was with those guys instead. She made her choice obvious by giving her heart to them. I'm deeply sorry for what you have gone through.