"He does not know what he wants"

[Supernova]

Hi all,

I will get straight to the point. A bit of background on "the man", he is 44 I am 42, divorced (twice) first wife, legitimate grew apart, second lasted 13 months, she cheated on him, the last live in relationship - she was an alcoholic and screwed him up, finally he got her out. He is a well educated man, and as his family told me "he had attracted the wrong girls" (they were all model looking and beautiful. Then I came along, well educated, totally different to the other girls, he said I was pretty, I have a son and I am well grounded. I was opposite to what he had. We had hopes and dreams, (the same) etc etc. We loved each other deeply. I knew he had been wild in his day, but it seems it is still there. I live in another state. We planned on getting married ,settling down, maybe even a child together (maybe). His mother needs care and has decided she will not move from her condo on the beach, so now all of a sudden, "he has to stay and look after his mom" and now he is confused and does not know what he wants out of life. Maybe one woman is not enough, maybe he wants to date a few, (so unlike him to say this before!!!!), he wants the wild life, wants to go out every night and drink with his friends. Mind you his friends, well same age not married, one even has two girls going at the same time and is an alcoholic. He calls them loosers and wanted to change his life. But now he thinks he wants to stay that way, single etc.
This happened all of a sudden, oh yeah, he still loves me but does not know what will happen or what he wants. I thought itw as because his house went into foreclosure and he had to sell his business, he now has no job. But I did not care I loved him. What is he saying to me????????????
Why has he turned into this party animal and yes, he is drinking way way to much in fact the past few months I think he is depedant on the booze. Help me.

[bah]

It sounds like he is going through some sort of crisis. The best thing to do would be to give him his space and he will either snap out of it or become something you don't deserve anyway.

Either way, don't take it as something wrong with you. I just think he's going through a hard time and is in "panic mode".

[Supernova]

Crisis, midlife? he is 44 - he talks like a 20 year old now, thank you for your advice, I am just heartbroken, some friends say leave him ( i cannot see him as we are in different states) but should I email him my support? and not mention the poor me thing, should I call him, or wait for him to call me? I appreciate your comments

[shheadz]

It kind of sounds like he's missing what he hasn't had in a long time, which is being a bachelor on the prowl. With the home forecloser and business closing, he may be looking for a fun, casual time right now to relieve the stress.

When I met my ex she wanted a change in life too. She called her friends immature losers. Guess who she's spending all her time with right now? Yeah. Those types of losers may not be good friends, but they're great to party with, and that's what she's looking for, and that's what your guy is looking for. Just no stress, no pressure fun.

[sookie6]

How long was his last relationship and when did it end?

I mean by the time you met him was he on the rebound ?

I think his failed relationships might have caused him a belated depression. He met you, probably developed feelings and genuinely wanted to be with you but when things became too 'real' and as you were starting to organise a proper life together he panicked.

What to do now...probably yes let him go wild for a period of time....then try to talk to him and work out together what is going on...
But if your plans to move in together resurface it's better if it comes from him...

If I were in your shoes I would stop the relationship altogether. No point torturing yourself over a man who does not live in the same country as you.
You need a reliable partner and this first glitch is a big warning sign saying that All is not what it seems!!!

Men don't all have the ability or the courage to give a clear explanation when they want to leave a relationship and it translates into this type of out of character change of hearts. Unexpected behaviours and decisions. These rash actions speak louder than words.

[Supernova]

How long was his last relationship and when did it end?

I mean by the time you met him was he on the rebound ?

I think his failed relationships might have caused him a belated depression. He met you, probably developed feelings and genuinely wanted to be with you but when things became too 'real' and as you were starting to organise a proper life together he panicked.

What to do now...probably yes let him go wild for a period of time....then try to talk to him and work out together what is going on...
But if your plans to move in together resurface it's better if it comes from him...

If I were in your shoes I would stop the relationship altogether. No point torturing yourself over a man who does not live in the same country as you.
You need a reliable partner and this first glitch is a big warning sign saying that All is not what it seems!!!

Men don't all have the ability or the courage to give a clear explanation when they want to leave a relationship and it translates into this type of out of character change of hearts. Unexpected behaviours and decisions. These rash actions speak louder than words.

You are right, I know it, but I cannot end it, why give him the out that he wants? I decided if I do not hear back from him today, I will do no more contact. I am dying to tell him what I feel, what he did to me, and why make plans with me and tell me I am the one and be so excited about being together and then do a 360 degree turn in a matter of two weeks. Booze is his lover now, and loose women in bars...
The lifestyles he wants so bad? anyway I know it wrong for me, but why can't I leave it, walk away? why do I feel I can never trust anyone again? he assured me when we started to date he would never hurt me or play games!!!!!!! I want him to know...... but maybe leaving in silence would be the best option, would that hurt him more? or would he not give a shit?

[Gigabitch]

You are right, I know it, but I cannot end it, why give him the out that he wants?

That's a messed-up perspective, dear. You end it because he sucks and he's not good enough for you. you don't hold on to him to "punish" him. That's crazy talk.

The guy is a mess. Chuck him. You're wasting your time.

[Supernova]

That's a messed-up perspective, dear. You end it because he sucks and he's not good enough for you. you don't hold on to him to "punish" him. That's crazy talk.

The guy is a mess. Chuck him. You're wasting your time.

I am trying to day by day to forget him. But as crazy as all us "crazy talk people here are right now" its hard, I still love him.

[Gigabitch]

You can love him all day- he still doesn't act right.

[Supernova]

Agreed ... when can Isay

[Supernova]

My above message should have read, I agree, what can I say. Its hard to call off something you hope restores. But I do not need to be treated like shit. If he cannot end it, and say nothing, why should I call him and end it? i just need to stop. The main thread to this in is Broken Hearts, I ended up with two threads because I was new and did not know what I was doing.

[Gigabitch]

Do you want me to merge them together?

[Supernova]

The advice on here has been great, but the other thread has my latest updates, canwe end this thread in some way? also i appreciate your advice on the other thread, that is the thread I am following now.....

[Gigabitch]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/38327-he-does-not-know-what-he-wants-yet-loves-me.html[/url]