HELP: She says I am too perfect.

[Alpha05]

Hi everyone, I hope I am posting in the correct forum, but I am at my wits end and desperate for someone to shed some light into female psyche to help me to understand what I am doing wrong if anything.

I have recently gotten close to a woman two years younger than I(I am 24), and she has been alluding to the idea(at times) that she wont be able to see me because I am "too perfect" and that I deserve better than her.

I have not told any of my friends about this because I am somewhat ashamed and I also don't want to come off as seeming like I have a large ego- I do not think I am perfect by any means.

Part of me would feel as though this may be an excuse that she is giving me because she is just not interested, however in the past few years this same situation has happened with 4 different girls(from all different walks of life) as were getting close and I was interested in dating them. In each case we were getting close to each other, then they would become distant with me, tell me that they aren't good enough, and stop talking to me. This hurt me very bad for one because I want to be with the girl, and she doesn't want to see me, and second because the reason they gave me basically was that they did not think highly of themselves...when I think they are incredible.

Each time it hurt very badly, like I said before I thought it was an excuse...but since it has happened so many times I feel like they may actually believe this, and it kills me inside. The other reason I believe it may be true(that they believe me to be too good) is that again, with each of them, after about 3-5 months passed(of little or no contact), they contacted me and suddenly wanted to be with me...but the damage was done and I could not do it .

I am a 24 year old graduate student, I am a nice person, I help people, I respect women, and I am at least somewhat good looking...but I am nowhere near perfect.

Please help me understand what she is thinking, could she(or the other girls for that matter) really believe this about me? If so, why is it something that would prevent a relationship? Should I try to make a conscious effort to make sure people don't develop this kind of impression about me?

I have gotten to know this girl pretty well and I am really scared that the same thing is going to happen, and I don't want it to because I really, really, really care about her.

Forgive me for my poor sentence structure and everything, but it is 4am where I am and I have been pacing around my apartment, at times bawling like a child, because I want this girl...and I don't know what to do.

Thank you in advance for any help.

[sookie6]

Right,

People please don't laugh but I can relate...I have had that happening with the last guy I dated...he had had 2 major relationships in his life, both with very damaged women, at least women with very low self-esteem that he had to take care of for years and years..

His relationships basically were spent fighting and making up.

We dated a few times and at the end he chose to have his sex back and is still on a rollercoaster from what I know. He just basically did not know how to cope with a trouble free woman (wait...I am a piece of work tooo....but I try to keep level-headed most times).

Anyway...he'd told me many times that he could not believe the gem I was...but hey ho...I'm still single and he chose to have the nutcase back!!!!

OK about you know:

Some girls do have low self-esteem and sometimes despite of their young age a past that they are not proud of. Maybe the crowd they used to hang out with, the things they have done (drugs, experimental sex, cheating...who knows).
And suddenly they meet YOU!

You are a wholesome intelligent sporty guy. You have great values, strong principles and probably come from a respected family...It might be that the girl does not see where she would fit in all this...conversation wise, academically wise, family wise...

Are you two from the same social background? What have you got in common.

Also you need to take into account that when younger women like a bit of a bad boy....which is stupid so don't become a baddy just on her account please...

Last year a girl friend of mind (very pretty, blond, tall, green eyes) prefered going back to a dysfunctional relationship with a guy somewhat ugly rather than dating a young god-looking trouble free man...

If your girl told you clearly she doesn't know want to date you...what can you do...but I have a hinch that if you try the No Contact rule she might find that appealing....

PS: there is worse than being labelled 'perfect' at least she never said you have bad breath!!!

[Alpha05]

Thanks for your reply.

I do not come from a respected family, I'm really just an average guy in my opinion, I try to make myself better as much as I can but I have plenty of flaws.

What you say makes sense, especially the fighting and making up part, but what is the no contact rule? Is that where I do not contact her with the idea that she will want more and come after me? See I have thought about that to a degree, but the thing is I am not focused on strictly a relationship with her(be it sexual or otherwise). I really care for her and want her to feel good about herself. There have been a couple times where I have said to her that this would not be an issue if she thought she was as amazing as I think she is.

What do you think?

[shheadz]

First off, you should read the thread on the shining knight syndrome.

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html[/url]

This stuff about you caring for her, and wanting to help her is you trying to be her savior instead of her boyfriend. You can't help/save people will low self-esteem. No amount of telling her how beautiful is going to help.

As far as you being too perfect, you don't have to be superman to be perfect in her eyes. You only have to be better than her, and given her low self-esteem she probably doesn't think too much of herself. Women like her need boyfriends that are just as insecure as them, and have low self-esteem just like them. Hell, they sometimes need a guy that is worse than them so they can feel good about themselves.

It's too much pressure for some of these women to date a guy that they perceive as being better than them. It creates some high standard that they may try to live up to at first, but they will eventually feel run down by keeping up the pretense.

[tropigal82]

Argh...Alpha05..... I know the feeling :-( the guy I have been dating for 5 months said the same thing to me. "You're just so perfect, too perfect, you don't deserve someone as f***ked up as me." Alpha05 I know how heartbreaking this can be, cos like me, you care so much about the other person and all you want is to see them happy. If you are anything like me then your heart skips a beat when you see this person smiling/laughing with joy. How do we deal with it? On the one hand you want to convince them to stop being so silly, that you are both imperfect but you can surely bring out the best in each other. On the other hand, you know that you can't force someone to be with you or to see things from your point of view... it is so difficult and I know what you mean, pacing around your apartment, one minute everything is fine and the next minute you are in tears and feeling so hopeless.

Like Sookie says, alot of the time their past relationships affect the way they approach new relationships. The guy I have been dating (and now I am not even sure if we are still dating) has had some really destructive relationships in the past, with psychobitches who used to beat him up and verbally abuse him. So he almost doesn't know how to deal with me - because, even though I can be hot tempered and emotional - I tend to have a mostly calm disposition and even if I am angry or upset I would never take it out on someone. So I guess he is so used to having a 'challenging' relationship and he doesn't know how to deal with having an 'easy-going' relationship, so he says I'm too good for him. This really hurts me cos he' a wonderful guy and he deserves a girl like me who treats him well and respects him.

[Alpha05]

shheadz, thank you for that link, having a psycological view of this is very enlightening and I think that described alot. Why do you guys think that the girls that has happened with have come back to me months later wanting a relationship? Even being aggressive with me on the matter?

tropigal82, I am so happy to read your post. Not because of your situations(i am sorry for that) but because everything you said is exactly how i feel about her, and I am happy to know that there is someone else out there like me.

The reason I feel this way is because I have known this girl for a while, and there was a time in her life when she was not "damaged." She had goals, motivation, passion for life, etc. I think she realizes this and she is taking steps to become herself again.

Does that make sense?

[JessieGrey]

Hey there,

I can relate to this--from a similar but different pasture. :-)

I began a relationship with someone who had all the qualities I wanted in a mate. He was polite but goofy, kind, attractive, infinitely intelligent, athletic and extremely driven.

But, he was very different from the bums I used to date--druggies, dropouts etc...

I always felt that I was on a more mature level than the former guys I would date, but I still always seemed to find the damaged ones--and I would be the 'token' responsible, together counterpart.

So when I met the 'perfect' man, I was intimidated. I felt like the only people who had loved me before were jerks, and he was not. I felt like he was so in to me, but he would soon change his mind when he realized the kinds of guys I used to date, or judge me for not ironing my shirts every day or eating too sloppily. The problem was: he was not perfect! He was just infinitely better than the slobs I used to date! So, I was intimidated because I never had anything to prove in past relationships because all the former guys were pigs. This was a mature, kind-hearted, (sober), man, and I felt like I actually had to be perfect in return--as I had never before with crappy men who just leeched and didn't let go.

So perhaps ladies are intimidated, and after dating such jerks, they finally meet someone who put-together like them--and they have to maintain that, in fear that they will lose him. The fear gets exhausting until they can build their self-esteem up to realize they deserve someone just as 'perfect'.

-Jessie

[all alone]

your too perfect = it's not you, its me = excuse

What reason they feel the need to make an excuse however is anyones guess.

[grey]

hello, I have had the same experiences as you! happened with 2 of my exs. sorry I completely disagree with ALLALONE.

Fortunately b.c women are normally the crazy insecure ones, people rarely believe a guy can be this way.

So its defintely b/c she feels less than you. I have given 8 years of my life to guys who say 'i just feel more comfortable dating someone i know likes me more'. Anything I say to convince them to stay who telling them how wonderful they are, NOTHING helps them. Both of them even got therapy for years and on anti depressant meds.

Until the day SHE realizes she is good enough, she will run from you (you-represent a reminder that she needs to work harder and probably afraid she will fail) I don't want to completely discourage you, but they rarely change.

You can still try to be more complimentary of her or if you're close enough to her, suggest therapy.

[killerbees]

I am wondering what her normal dating background is here. I have had this issue in several relationships, where men have told me they weren't good enough for me, and they are usually right, and I now take them at their word. Whether it meant they were immature, intimidated, unsure if they could maintain fidelity, thought I'd be a perfect wife, but they were not ready for that yet, or were incredibly insecure, I kept hearing the same thing. Her maturity level here and social circle may give more insight here. I'd agree with people here who warn you that she may be feeling intimidated, insecure, or may want to explore her low self-worth in therapy. It may not be fun to explore here feelings, but if you are really curious, you can ask her specifically why she feels that way, what areas she is concerned with feeling inferior to you in, and genuinely ask her how you can be sensitive to her feelings and show her that you are on the same level.

I warn you though that you may be getting involved with someone who may be chronically insecure, and may create drama and situations to get constant reassurance that she is good enough, and until she feels good about herself, sadly nothing you can say or do will make a dent in her self-esteem issues. However, maybe she comes from a background of abusive relationships or ambivalent men, and may not know how to react to a healthy relationship. Whatever path you take, try not to be the knight or hero, because yes, women do respond to that archetype in very real ways and may become dependent or distant. If you pursue this, you will have to maybe be very patient and work on communication, since it sounds as if she is already becoming emotionally distant, by what you describe.

[Joe Armstrong]

Alpha,

I have some words of advice: RUN RUN RUN!!! What is going to happen is she'll keep coming back and forth to you and you'll become addicted to her and feeling great while she's with you, and then she'll pull the old "You're too perfect". I've been there and done that. Once she figures out what she wants and who she wants it with, (hint: its not going to be you)she'll tell you lets be friends. I've been there in my younger years and if I could spare you the pain and torment that you'll face, then I'll be doing you a favor.