A Bit Confused...

[elizabeth412]

This guy and I spoke briefly on a boardwalk area off the beach several months ago. Then last month, we ran into each other again and spoke for about an hour - very fluid and engaging. He's a doctor who specializes in spines and joints, so we struck up a conversation about his experience, the kinds of cases he handles, and my previous career as a medical malpractice paralegal. Talking about specific injuries and so forth, he gave me a pseudo-exam right there by placing his hands on my hips then moving my head back and forth, etc. (During this time, he commented that I had nice hair.) Anyway, he offered me his business card when I asked him whether he was in a group or alone. I simply took it without saying anything. The conversation continued, then when we were getting ready to go our separate ways, he hugged me, and I enthusiastically told him how glad I was that we spoke and so forth. He said that he meets lots of people all the time, and you never know who he'll meet who may need a teacher, the job I was seeking. I then volunteered my telephone number for him to call me if that happens. He put my name and number right into his cell phone. We chatted a few more minutes, then he hugged me again. We walked towards our cars, and he made another comment about my hair, and I gently stroked down his arm and smiled as I walked away. End of story!!! Even though our telephone numbers were exchanged for reasons other than the usual male/female number exchange, and the topic of our getting together never arose during our conversation, I am surprised that he didn't contact me. What happened here?


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[Peter Pry]

Why didn't you contact him? He's probably sitting around hand-wringing, just like you are, wondering if the fact he hasn't heard from you means you're uninterested in him. After all, he gave you his number first.

Calling a number can be difficult for men for the same reason it is difficult for you. If you definitely want to see him again, why have you done nothing about it?

[elizabeth412]

I have not contacted him for a few reasons: I feel slighted because he didn't contact me, even though my number was given to him in the event a teaching position came within his earshot. He could have called to check on my job search or wish me a happy new year, etc. (I know, I know - expectations can really mess you up, can't they???) Anyway, as bold and comfortable as he seemed in person, I thought he would have had no problem taking the initiative. Now I feel like so much time has gone by, and he is no longer interested. Also, I am very apprehensive about initiating contact, mainly from shyness and my strong belief that men prefer pursuing.

[Peter Pry]

If you truly want something, you need to make it happen yourself. Waiting around for men to pursue you after chance meetings is likely to leave you lonely. Unless you are deeply submissive and need someone to take you in hand immediately, you need to do what it takes to get things started on your own. That doesn't mean you have to pursue him, but you do have to continue to give signals, because people second guess themselves and hand-wring in circles for days over whether your touching him on the arm "meant anything."

I feel slighted because he didn't contact me

You didn't contact him either.

Anyway, as bold and comfortable as he seemed in person, I thought he would have had no problem taking the initiative.

You were also bold in person and did not take the initiative.

I am very apprehensive about initiating contact, mainly from shyness

Men can also be shy.

and my strong belief that men prefer pursuing.

Not always true, and you're stereotyping him. It's one thing for you to prefer to be chased, but another thing entirely to paint all men with such a broad brush. He may want you, but be too inexperienced to know how to chase you. Even if he would enjoy pursuing you, he may need more of a green light. Men are allowed to be shy and insecure and inexperienced about asking someone out, just like you are. If that turns you off... then let it go. Otherwise, call him and let him chase you afterwards. Your choice.

[elizabeth412]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful, intuitive response. I really appreciate it. It really made me think about things a bit differently.

I am not turned off that he has not contacted me, if it's out of shyness on his part. Unfortunately, we have not addressed the possibility that he may be involved with someone else - either at that time or since then. That is what I fear the most.

Although he offered me his business card, I am not entirely sure that he meant for me to call him socially. He did encourage me to become a patient towards the end of the conversation and mentioned payment plans were available. I have no desire to see him as a patient, because I am attracted to him! Anyway, the subject was dropped as he was putting my information into his cell phone right there in front of me. I really thought he had every intention of contacting me.

[Peter Pry]

Yeah, I'd assume that he's interested in you, but shy about calling you. Whether he is already involved with someone is a question to be resolved next time you talk with him, but you can't let the mere possiblity stop you for now.

Something else I thought of just now: he's a doctor, and you're a medical malpractice paralegal. That's an intimidating position for him to be in. If that were me, I would think very, very carefully about calling you and, in fact, probably not do it unless I was certain about your interest in me. Just by accident, you've already put yourself in a dominant position to some extent in your first meeting.

[elizabeth412]

Yikes! I honestly did not even think about my accidentally putting myself in a "dominant" position that way. To tell you the truth, though, we had a very candid discussion about my previous experience (10+ years ago) as a paralegal and how chiropractors were viewed on the whole. I sensitively informed him that my impression was obviously tainted from being in that field for so long, and I likely did not have accurate knowledge of it. I don't think he was intimidated, and if he was, I don't think it lasted. He knows I didn't like the legal field and what it represented and so forth, which is what drove me to teaching.

Just out of curiosity, are you getting the impression that there is someone else in the mix that is complicating things? Back during the holidays, I was advised to wait until after then, and that he may have been trying to investigate other options, getting ready to make a break from whomever he was with at the time.

[Coco]

Why play these games? He is just as unclear of how to use your number just like you are of how to use his. You told him to call you when that happens. Not... oh call me sometimes maybe we can hang out. For all we know, he's waiting for that position to come up so he can call you because you didn't say otherwise.

[elizabeth412]

Right, right, right! This phone number exchange and our failure to mention anything about getting together (just a lot of innocent body contact!) are muddying the waters here - probably for him and me. Quite honestly, I continue to go to the same area around the same time (with friends I have come to know that go there) a few times a week, but I never see him. We probably need another meeting to clarify things, which I had hoped would have already happened by now. In the meantime, time ticks on, which is unfortunate all the way around.

[Peter Pry]

Just out of curiosity, are you getting the impression that there is someone else in the mix that is complicating things?

*shrug* I have no idea. I tend to assume that a person is honest and ethical until otherwise demonstrated (which alas, in most cases, typically takes approximately 37 seconds).

[elizabeth412]

A strange (and possibly unrelated) addition to the story -

I really debated about whether to add the following to this post, so here goes...

Over the weekend a woman I had never seen or met before started chatting with me by the beach boardwalk. (She was saying prayers for her grandchild who was due to be released from the hospital.) Anyway, we chatted for a few minutes about how beautiful the beach/sunrise was that day and some other small talk. I revealed nothing personal about myself as far as interests or relationships. She then said to me that I had been frustrated and struggling with a situation with a man I had recently met - within six months. I said nothing, but she continued and said that he can't move forward with me because of a situation with another woman and she was a "mess". She didn't know whether it was from drugs or alcohol or whatever. She said that although he really liked me, he was tied for now. He then said she could visualize him, and that he was blond. (At this point I began to get goosebumps but tried to remain unfazed in front of her.) She gave me initials of DRM that didn't make sense at first, but after thinking about it a moment or two, the "DR" could have represented doctor. The "M" was and still is a mystery, although there are two MMs in his last name. Anyway, I finally told her that it could very well be this guy (I gave her nothing like a name or anything to confirm what she was saying and was careful not to reveal much, for obvious reasons.) I also told her that the choices were very limited, as I hadn't really been interested in anyone at all for a few years until just recently. She believed it had to be this guy and mentioned that we had been in a previous life together. (I am on the fence about that one.) She also advised me that someone altogether different from my past regretted how things ended with us and still thought about me. I didn't put much thought into that one.

I am as skeptical as they come, believe me. However, I also am of the mindset that things happen for a reason and people come into your lives for different purposes and so forth. In closing, she said that she felt a strong connection to talk to me when she first saw me that day. We exchanged telephone numbers, mainly because she wanted to give me a spiritual reading the next day. On the fence about it, having never done anything like that before, I called her the next day and spoke with her for a minute or two, then she said she would call me back. She never did. For what it's worth, I welcome your opinions, which, as noted above, may not affect your views on this situation at all.

[elizabeth412]

New development: I just referred an acquaintance of mine to this doctor, and she will probably call him. Anyway, as our first contact since the meeting in my post, I emailed him with a simple greeting, hoping that he was doing well, etc., and then the next paragraph detailed my acquaintance's recent medical issues. My closing was a whimsical reference to his semi-diagnosis during our conversation, and that was it. Nothing forward or flirtatious at all; however, I did venture to make contact, which was big for me, if you have read my earlier posts.

Yes, he responded after two days and graciously thanked me for the referral and encouraged her to call him before she made any decisions. His P.S. was a recommendation to have my spine checked, which addressed my whimsical closing in my message, and then he put a winking emoticon next to it.

So now there are two benign pieces of communication after about six weeks of no contact. I guess I didn't need anything more benign in this mix, but I am sure you responders will tell me that I asked for this in my rather "professional only" message. He responded in kind. Hm-m...

[tufty]

e-mail the man back for gods sake!! be flirty even if that means half a dozen sodding wink emoticons - meniton ur spine ...no sod the spine mention how ur hips need more of a work out than ur spaine ever could <--- check out that wink!!!

lol - as they say in the lottery - u gotta be in it to win it!!

now go to it - no dragging ur heels girlie - he isnt a podiatrist too is he? lol

[tufty]

opps sorry forgot i was in the 'ask a male' bit - oh well

oh and - dont look to closely at my spelling errors

[elizabeth412]

Thank you for that! So funny, even after reading it a few times! Now, you know from reading my earlier posts that there is NO way I am going to mention how my hips need a workout like that - at least not at this juncture!

I must say I was surprised, though, that you were so insistent on my emailing him back with loads of flirtation, especially after he has essentially done nothing in these last few weeks. Are you just setting me up for rejection???