just dont't know what to do anymore,i feel like im going crazy,please help

[little al 2010]

Hi, this is the first time iv ever used a forum,but im really at breaking point here,and dont know where to go from here.

My ex broke up with me nearly 8 months ago, at the time we where travelling together but had been having problems. we are both at home now and in the same area and all I seem to end up doing is fighting with him and driving him further and further away. when we broke up we had two major problems, i had become very dependant on him and needy and he is a mans man who needs his own space and two he just doesnt know what he wants in live, he doesnt have a job and thinks he may want to go travelling again and he didnt want to get back into the relationship because he didnt want to hurt me again if he left. We faught alot in our relationship (always me that started it..a mixture of me always wanting my way and him really just not ready for commitment and compromise), he wanted to see if there was someone better suited to me, i was his girlfriend, we are both 26 and on and off 3 years. and he really thinks i deserve much more than he was able to give, as he said he couldnt hurt me anymore or make me cry.

Up until this Dec he said he still missed me alot but felt he needed time..but i did all the wrong things, i went out where i knew he was going to be, i looked my best and hoped he'd want to be with me or want him back..but with drink in me i just ended up getting upset and fighting with him or begging for a second chance. he would always make sure i got home ok but we would never be with each other, id ring the next day to try sort stuff out or send emails because i would feel so bad as my behaviour was so so wrong, and psychoish, he always tried to talk to me cos he is a good person and hated hurting me...

i really am a good person, a professional, a good looking girl and smart and kind...and id do anything of him and think the world of him..but im acting crazy right now...whenever i meet him out i end up fightin with him, get upset if a i think he going to be with someone or he wont talk to me cos he just doesnt want a row. I dont blame him, i have treated him so badly and as he said he used to still love me, he thought he would have been lucky to have a chacne to get back together if he got his life sorted and if i had become more independant...but iv driven him away and as he says taken all the good out of hom, all the energy he once had for us is gone, iv driven him crazy and now all he wants is to have no more contact and to let him get on with his life. i know i have to do this, he deserves that, and i have to stop obsessing and blaming myself (because he didnt always treat me well...and he knows this..but i blame myself so much for not trying to be understanding and being less claustorphobic).

im moving away for a new job, good for my career but also i think the space will give us the time and breathing space we need. but my problem is i still love him..he says he doesnt love me anymore as iv driven him away, i dnt blame him...i dont want to hurt him anymore but i really wonder can i ever hope to fix this...i mean iv thrown drinks over him, he has shouted at me to get away and i havent..this is not me, this is when i am upset and drunk and meet him out..when im sober, yes i miss him, alot, and i am upset but i give him his space and dont contact him and if i meet him just say hello.

can you ever forgive someone and does time heal everyting or can u get to the stage you can drive someone away so much that they hate you. i really would like any advice...and in case you all think i think that my behaviour is acceptable, in fact i am so so ashamed of myself..i wish i had walked away and avoided him and given him his space form the very beginning...and have some pride and maybe he would have come back..but i cant turn back time, and i blame myself. i behaved no better than a cheap psycho ex.

Please anyone, have you any advice or similar examples?

[Gigabitch]

I had to edit that wall of text. Couldn't read it.

Okay, little al, you have GOT to let this go. Even if he could somehow forgive you, you can never get back to the place you were before you started stalking him and throwing your drinks at him. This relationship is beyond salvage.

I'm glad you're moving away for a fresh start. Maybe with time, you'll realize that what was going on wasn't really love, it was addiction. What you've described up there bears very little resemblance to love as I understand it.

[nowomannocry]

go to a Narcotics Anonymous or AA meeting. I'm about to just do that to try and find a social life free from the personal hell of addiction.