Always comparing myself to others...self esteem issues

[isay]

I have always been pretty happy with myself but lately I've noticed I have been frequently comparing myself to more "successful" and "attractive" people. I know I have done pretty well for myself so far (about to earn a PhD degree and make 100k+/year) but somehow it doesn't seem good enough. I am a 28 year old mother (1 child). I keep myself in shape and live a healthy lifestyle. I have put myself through college without help from anyone.

I think the problem is that when I look back into my past I feel that somehow I've failed at something. I become pregnant at a young age (21) and have always felt out of place with people around my age...I'm always paranoid about what others think of me.. I feel that at my age I should have a stable home/family. I have a boyfriend that I really love and we talk about marriage and children but for some reason I find myself thinking that he might find someone better. I know he really loves me and I wouldn't want to scare him away with my insecurities..He does nothing to make me think he would do such a thing...it's all in my mind.

I feel like I need to work on self esteem issues. I have not been able to form good friendships with people either...possibly because I'm too worried about people betraying me. I just have trouble trusting people in general.

I'm also dreading turning 30...I don't want to get old :-(

[Mish]

I think these are normal things to be worried about that most people think about at some point in life. Though, I would worry more about worrying than any of the things you've listed if I were you. Think about how much damage you will be doing to yourself if you persist at worrying. From my point of view, it's better to have friends that may betray you and have a chance to fail you then not have any friends and fail by default. It's better to have a partner and let cards fall where they may through their own evolution at the risk they will leave you, than push them and force them and have them leave you by default. If you are open to failure you often reduce your chances at failing then if you are closed.

[Gigabitch]

isay, this probably goes all the way back to your relationship with your parents. You've got a couple of wires crossed, that's all. There is nothing at all wrong with going to see a therapist about it- you might be able to clear this up pretty quickly.

[lavnder]

Wow! I thought you were talking about me until you mentioned having a child. I constantly compare myself to others and make them out to be better than they really are. It's like I give other people the benefit of the doubt and not myself. Clearly you're a smart determined woman you're about to get your Ph.D. and you put yourself through college AND with a kid. Wow that says a lot about you (in a good way). I find that I worry about unnecessary things whether it be with my boyfriend or other parts of my life, EVEN THOUGH I know it just brings me down and wastes my time and energy. I also believe in that theory about whatever energy you're putting out you'll get back. For example, being worried about something may cause it to happen or conversely believing something positive will cause it to happen. Lately I've been trying to be more kind to myself. I try to live in the moment and stop myself from obsessing and ruminating about the past and what ifs about the future. I too would suggest seeing a therapist s/he can help you with replacing those behaviors that bring you down with ones that make you feel better. Take care!!

[Illusional]

haha i can understand how you're feeling. i just this year i'm going to hit 30, in a little over a month in fact. you're looking back at your life and wishing that you might have done a couple of things differently so that today might look a little brighter than it is now. don't get me wrong, you're accomplished a lot of things in life like your degree and a child, but things always look better on the other side of the fence. while i don't have a child, i've got a degree with a great job. by the time that of 30, you wanted to achieve certain goals, but they still seem out of reach right?

well don't despair because you are comparing yourself to the attributes that others have. while they might have a happy marriage with a couple of kids, they might be struggling and this is what everyone doesn't see. while someone might have a job that includes a high salary, they might be lacking the social circle that others find come so easily. what i'm saying is that if you keep looking at all the good that others have, while you forget to realize your own worth, then things will always look better on the other side of the fence.

raverboy

[lavnder]

On a side note I've done a lot of reading about ADHD in women and some of the difficulties you're having are found in women with ADHD. Besides the infamous characteristics of impulsiveness, hyperactivity, and disorganization there are others such as extreme sensitivity, bad PMS, difficulty in friendships...I really don't know you're situation entirely so just food for thought.

[traceylee36]

Everyone compares themselves to others ..it is natural. Just remember this everytime you feel inadequate.. Everyone else is too busy worrying what they look like to others that wont even notice your faults.

[coachtrip]

Just think about the things that you do better than other people.

If other things worry you, then try and make improvements in those areas.

[isay]

Thank you guys! Very helpful replies.
I think one of my problems is that I am kind of paranoid. I sometimes find myself thinking that everyone is out to get me so it's hard for me to trust people. Like traceylee said, I should remember that people are probably busy worrying about themselves and not me. I do have a pretty good life and love where things are going- maybe I'm also paranoid that someone will ruin this for me. I still have a lot of growing up to do :-)

[exprezo]

One thing I know that...a person with low self-esteem [MYSELF], that traits show SO EASILY even though I try to hide them. My BF feels that in me already and that is why I think he has advantage on "controlling" this relationship since he knows I love him alot and afraid to lose him. I am dying to fix this behavior in me....I need help too. I made him cupcakes [special flavor] for his birthday and I asked him MANY times if it tastes as good as the one he bought from bakery......well I asked coz it was my FIRST time baking that flavor of cupcake and it's quite challengin flavor. Apparently he let his mom eat it and his mom says it taste pretty yummy. Then he also said it's yummy. BUT he knows i have LOW self esteem he purposely DONT want to answer me when I asked how's the taste. He purposely being a JERK to me and make me begged for answers. So you and me, we need to change....really.

[lastwish]

What is the point of comparing yourself to other people? There is always going to be more successful and attractive people. Just try to be the best you can be and do things that make you feel happy. I bet many successful and attractive people are not happy. In the end, everyone's body will decay and their riches won't mean as much when they die.