Does she really love me?

[therealjag]

Hey there,

I have been going out with my gf for 10 months now. I always get the feeling that she doesn't really love me for me and she always claims to say she truly deeply loves me and that I dont know what true love is only she does cos shes "truly deeply in love with me"...Here are a few discussions/arguements that we have had recently and from the below could you tell me your true opinion if she actually really does love me cos tbh I'm not so sure...

1) I've put on a bit of weight recently and told her I really want to loose it cos it makes me feel crap about myself and I dont like looking or feeling tubby...she replied saying she doesnt want me to loose the weight and wants me to stay the way i am cos its cute and said she'd even leave me if i lost my weight. but i hate being overweight and i've expressed this to her a few times how it makes me feel crap and ugly.

2) She swears at me alot cos i have lied to her a few times. I lied to her cos i have to spend time with my family or want to spend time with my friends and she doesnt let me cos she wants to spend every waking minute with me so she gets angry and jealous and takes her anger out on me.

3) She always tries to change me and says she is improving me and making me better. for example since i have met her she has tried to change the way i dress(she actually buys me what to wear, with my aprroval though), she has made me limit the amount of time i spend with my friends (next to none or once a month), she actually wont let me go out anymore, clubbing or otherwise without her. she wont let me drink anymore, she has asked me to convert religion although not too forcefuly I might add.

4) I have actually tried ending the relationship a few times but she just doesnt let me. It makes me really annoed but at the same I guess she really must love me if she really really doesnt want me to leave her.

5) There are so many occasions when we talk at night or when i meet up with her that its late at night and i want to go to bed that she wont let me cos she wants to spend more time with me or talk to me on the phone longer and it makes me really tired for work and i always end up feeling really tired all the time. then when we get together i am feeling tired and she complains to me that i should wake up a bit and stop acting so tired all the time.

6) She doesnt trust me at all, not even sligthly. This is cos she says she cant get over my past (had about 5 gf's and maybe kissed like 11)...and i've lied to her a few times cos i want to go out and spend time with my family or friends and i know she doesnt like me to do that cos she wants me to spend time with her. I guess cos i'll be moving away soon she wants to spend a lot of time with me.

from the above could you deduce to me whether she actually really loves me or not and whether you think this relationship is worth continuing cos i dont to be honest. I do love her but i always ge the feeling she only cares about herself.

Cheers,

Jag

[Okay]

I was a bit shocked to read this, because what you have stated sounds similar to the way that I am, but the extreme version... O_O

1. It is sweet that she doesn't want you to change a sort of "I like you for who you are" kind of thing, perhaps she likes the warm hugs.. however since you have told her your serious discomfort of being overweight, she should if she loves you, support you in losing that bit of weight that will make you happy.

2. Swearing.. well, I guess she must've been real angry. No one likes being lied to. If it is to spend time with family she should accept that, family is important after all. Has she met your family?

3. She wants everything her way??? So what exactly do you end up getting your way???

4. Maybe you weren't strong enough to just say "No" those times..

5. That gives me freaky de ja vu, my bf is also often tired lol... Maybe make your calls earlier in the day instead of so close to bed time. And when your tired, make it clear and end it (not too harsh, but not too gentle).

6. You need to both sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk about anything and everything of this relationship. She is probably insecure and needs a little reassurance and you need to remind yourselves of good times over the bad ones. Are there any good things about her?

[therealjag]

Hey Okay, thanks for the reply...i guess these types of relationships aren't uncommon and people have been in similiar situations..in terms of the questions you've asked I'll try and answer them as to how i've structured my post:

1. It is sweet that she doesn't want you to change a sort of "I like you for who you are" kind of thing, perhaps she likes the warm hugs.. however since you have told her your serious discomfort of being overweight, she should if she loves you, support you in losing that bit of weight that will make you happy.

Hey yeah I've discussed and told her a few tiems that I dont like the fact I keep putting on weight and that I feel down because of it...I have self motivation to do something about it but I thought I could count on her for extra motivation and support to help loose the weight but i guess not. In the end i feel I wil try to loose the weight and then she'll end up getting mad with me and say I dont love her cos i didnt do what she wanted and it'll seem like im the one who did something wrong.

2. Swearing.. well, I guess she must've been real angry. No one likes being lied to. If it is to spend time with family she should accept that, family is important after all. Has she met your family?

Unforunately due to us being of different religious backgrounds its hard for us to meet each others families, as my family disapprove of me being with someone, never mind the religion issue itself!

3. She wants everything her way??? So what exactly do you end up getting your way???

Eh well i guess thats the thing. I think she is quite controlling and if i do things my way like say I dont like that tshirt or Im going to spend time with my family instead, she just gets mad at me, cries or something and has even hit me. She then blames me for ruining the relationship for not listening to the one i love. One time she got really upset cos i asked a work colleague(a girl), of a 3rd opnion of whether i should wear a pink tshirt she bought me cos i thought it was kinda gay. she got mad cos she said i chose the opinion of someone else over her...did she have a point? I have only ever asked her to do one thing for me and that is stop smoking but she says she doesnt want to and would never give up smoking - she doesnt even try, even though she has said herself that its bad and a waste of money! its like she just rebels against what i ask of her to make her feel in control.

4. Maybe you weren't strong enough to just say "No" those times..

Well the last time i tried to end it, i spent 3 hours saying no and saying i dont want to continue it and we should end it but she wouldnt let me go. Im not sure how breakups go generaly but in the past when i've said its over, usually the person accepts it after say 10-15mins..

5. That gives me freaky de ja vu, my bf is also often tired lol... Maybe make your calls earlier in the day instead of so close to bed time. And when your tired, make it clear and end it (not too harsh, but not too gentle).

Yeah cool thats good advice thanks, i'll try that with her next time

6. You need to both sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk about anything and everything of this relationship. She is probably insecure and needs a little reassurance and you need to remind yourselves of good times over the bad ones. Are there any good things about her?

Good things about her are shes really sweet, can be realy caring, buys me stuff, actually likes me for me in terms of my personality i.e. i can be goofy and stupid and childish around her and she likes it. shes really beautiful and the most beautiful girl ive ever been with...shes a really kind heart and shes quite straightforawrd which i like.


Sorry about the long post, was a lot to get through!!

[therealjag]

Oh and if your bf is really tired all the time,. from my own experience, I think it would be good to tell him one day just stay at home 2moro instead of meeting me so you can rest and chill out....trust me if my girlfriend said that to me i'd appreciate it so much cos it would seem she really cares about me and is putting me first. it would also make him appreciate you more the next time he see's you as he shouldnt be so tired that day and can focus on you properly.

Just make sure he doesnt make a habit of it, otherwise he'll end up wanting a rest day all the time!

[Okay]

Thanks for your suggestion too, I will try that at some point

Right... There is definitely some very unfair things going on here.
She smokes! (I hate smoking personally lol) but yes as you said it is very bad for the health/finance etc. I'm just wondering, she uses the

She then blames me for ruining the relationship for not listening to the one i love.

on you whenever something is not the way she wants it, to make you feel guilty and in the wrong, if so, then why does she not listen to you for the smoking thing? It would become that She is "not listening to the one she loves" then, and she becomes a hypocrite.. Perhaps you should point that out to her.

She seems very controlling and emotionally a bit unstable. She needs to calm her state of mind and see how unfair she is treating you. State to her all the things you feel are wrong in the relationship and try not to take any of the nonsense excuses anymore. Tell her relationships are meant to be equal and pleasant, but you feel that sometimes she crosses the line.

During your "chat" you need to get all the things that are bothering you off your chest, but also whilst keeping her calm and reassured that you care and that things are fixable.
I hope this helps... as remember, there isn't much point in struggling with problems in a relationship, the sooner they are sorted the better... and if they are unsolvable... then... you have to close that door and look for another.

Good luck~

[lovesjoyajm]

Next time you try to break up with her, don't spend 3 hours! Tell her it's over, and then tell her you're leaving. As soon as she realizes you're willing to "discuss", she has you beat. Breakups aren't a discussion.