My girlfriend almost broke up with me

[VincenzoG91]

This was unexpected. I was working a little late tonight, but had plans to get together with my girlfriend later tonight. We haven't had as much time together lately, because she's really struggling with her college classes, and I've got a demanding new boss at work. Anyway, after a couple of short, easy-going conversations earlier today, she called me up just now to say that she wouldn't be able to make it tonight, due to an overload of homework. Then she told me that she didn't want me to be upset or sad, and then broke down crying. Through the tears, she started saying stuff that sounded like a preamble to a breakup. Stuff like, "we're at different stages in our lives" and "I feel like I've been a burden to you."

I put on my most soothing voice (somewhere between Barry White and a smooth professional radio personality) and told her that I knew she was having a really hard time with the chemistry class, and that if she was too busy to get together tonight, that was okay. I told her I loved her, that I would support whatever decision that she needed to make, but that there was no reason for us to break up, because I know that her education is really important. She kept crying and wanted to get off the phone, but I kept her on a little longer, telling her not to worry about being a burden, because I love her.

A few weeks ago, I asked her to marry me. We've been together for 6.5 years, so I was expecting an automatic yes. It was a little scary that she said she needed some time to think it over, until I finally realized that she always struggles with the big decisions. It took her 15 months to buy her current car, for example. We had a really long talk over dinner a few nights later, and I came away with two important concepts: we're happy together, and she is having a really tough time with her classes this semester. She's bad at math and science, so she put off those classes as long as possible, and now she's in over her head. She even checked out Chemistry for Dummies from the library, but it wasn't helpful.

I realize that the stereotype is that guys are the ones who are afraid of commitment, but that isn't true in every case. My girlfriend might also have a certain fear of commitment. The only other time that something like this happened was three years ago, when we were about to move in together. I moved in first while she took an extra couple of months to get organized for her move. Near the end of that second month, she came over one night to break up with me because she was worried we might not get along if we lived together. We drank some wine, talked it over, played a computer game that she got me for our second Christmas together, then went to bed together. Weeks later, she moved in with me, and the relationship got better and better. She was worried that we wouldn't get along as well if we lived together, but fortunately she was wrong about that.

Before we hung up tonight, I emphasized to her that there is no pressure about getting married. She can take as long as she needs to make up her mind, and even if we get engaged soon, we can wait until she's done with college to actually get married. And then I asked her to call me back later when she was feeling more calm.

We might break up, and there will be nothing that I can about that if it happens. It does really touch me in a way that she is thinking about this, because there is no advantage to her in breaking up. She would be doing this for my sake, even though I don't want to break up. I've been helping her out financially since she lost her full-time job and started taking college classes again last year, so it would be an immediate hardship for her if we break up.

[Charlie Boy II]

I put on my most soothing voice (somewhere between Barry White and a smooth professional radio personality).

lol, nice work Vincenzo.

[VincenzoG91]

Correction.

She did break up with me.

I got home from work to find her door key on the floor and most of her stuff moved out. And randomly enough, my shoes are missing. She left her couch, some luggage, and a few small random items. She also left the engagement ring. Ouch.

I'm just devastated right now. I never get headaches, but my head is pounding, and I feel sick to my stomach. I just spent the last 90 minutes talking to my next door neighbor while sipping a beer, so now I feel very sad and confused and sleepy. I can handle my alcohol, except apparently not right now. I'm going to go sleep now.

[QueenofCorona]

Sorry. Ouch. Thats horrible. Honestly though she sounds a little unstable with the decision making process. She owes you more of an explanation. Hopefully you get the closure you deserve.

[VincenzoG91]

I feel very sad and very tired right now. Tried to call her a couple of times, got voicemail. Going to sleep early tonight.

[bluesummer]

Oh wow, Vincenzo, that's awful. Hope you're doing okay.

[VincenzoG91]

Can't sleep. I tried to, and I feel exhausted, but my stomach is churning and my mind is racing.

An old friend of mine moved across the pond to Edinburgh a few years ago. About two years ago, while jogging along the edge of a cliff at dusk, he took a wrong step and a long fall. Emotionally, that's how I feel right now. I really didn't expect this, and the pain is vast. My friend worked hard at rehab these last two years, and made a better recovery than the doctors expected. But he will still be limping around with a cane for the rest of his life.

I don't know what the emotional equivalent of a cane would be, so I will try to pull myself together. Although some might say that I should go on No Contact, I'm not willing to do that until she has given some answers about why this is happening. She said she would call to talk again when she wasn't so upset. To the extent that I could understand her earlier while she was crying on the phone, she thinks that she is a burden to me (she is, and I would be happy to carry that burden for the rest of my life) and that I deserve better.

I realize that it was a big warning sign that she needed so much to decide about getting engaged. But she got so happy when I proposed, and seemed happy ever since, aside from the stress over her chemistry class.

It's too soon for me to give up on this relationship, the longest and best one that I've ever had. Although I would be glad to get a call from her soon, I feel like I shouldn't try to contact her at all for the next few days. She retreats from conflict until things settle down, so I know that she will want some space. I just hope that she reconsiders.

[IncognitoSir]

Man, that's a tough position you're in bro. I feel for you, I really do. I do hope you get to some type of understanding with her soon because I can understand the touture you're living in right now. There's a lot I could say to you, but the truth is, there isnt much from anyone beside her that could really help you. I just hope you're not beating yourself up too much over this man, it's really not on you per say. Get some sleep bro and take it from there.

[VincenzoG91]

When she is at her mom's house, there has always been odd connections problems between our cell phones. So about two hours ago, I suddenly received six text messages in a row from her. She explained everything very clearly and decently, and though my heart is breaking, I have great respect for her.

This is the series of text messages, without the odd breaks due to message length:

"Mike,

"I want you to be happy. I'm not doing that for you so I need to let you go so YOU can start being happy. I won't get less busy & the busier I get, the further we drift apart. I know I care for you, but I don't think I am in love with you & I can't keep putting off thinking about my feelings while you feel lonely & sad over not spending time with me.

"Please go out & find someone. You have been the best thing in my life, right after Barkley [her 16 year-old cat who died last summer], and I still struggle without him. I know it'll be hard for me without you, but I can't marry you. So I need to put your feelings first & that means letting you go so you can find someone who will be everything I'm not & will make you happy.

"Please don't hate me This is really hard for me too. I'm overwhelmed.

Amy"

[IncognitoSir]

At least she's being REAL about it. That is very decent of her to do. Let the healing process begin my friend.

[VincenzoG91]

She was very decent about this. That makes it even harder in a way. There's no bad guy, just two good people who didn't work out together.

Why are we both in so much pain right now? I think she did love me, at least a little, because she didn't have to do this. She could have kept coasting for years, leaning on me for financial support until she finished law school. Now she's in immediate financial trouble and forced to depend on her family for support. They have their own problems. It's going to be so hard for her.

[VincenzoG91]

I'm finally able to eat a little bit of food. I still haven't gotten any sleep yet. Maybe soon.

[VincenzoG91]

She just texted me:

"Happy Valentine’s Day, Mike. Sorry I’m not spending it with you & for everything. I hope you still manage to have a good one though, with your friends or whoever."

Wow. She thinks that I might have already moved on? It hasn't been 48 hours yet.

I don't know if I should text her back, I was planning to stop contacting her for a while.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, I wouldn't either.

Sorry to see that everything fell by the wayside. She wanted this though, so as difficult as it is, you can't help her through the consequences. She said she doesn't love you.

Time to get your life on track for you.

And we all get worried the other person moves on before we do. We naturally don't want them happier than us or with somebody else.

[VincenzoG91]

Friday night and Saturday were horrible, but lots of phone calls from supportive friends helped me get through it. Her text messages helped clear up a lot of my questions, but the lack of direct communication was so hard.

Valentine's Day was not a problem because of the date, just still a tough situation. While talking with friends I was good, when things were quiet, I was slipping into despair. Her brief text was nice, but made me want to talk to her again, and she still isn't taking my calls or answering emails. I felt almost manic-depressive... some giddy moments of hope, some bleak depression, and a lot of fairly normal but slightly down thoughts. No, I don't have any kind of history of depression. I did get out for a couple of hours to go to the gym, but mostly just sat in the hot tub. I'm very physically fit, but I've missed a couple of workouts in recent days.

Today, I feel desolate. I was going to go out and run some errands, but the overnight snow makes me feel like just staying home. However, home is the place we got together three years ago. Lots of memories here. I slept five hours last night, for a total of ten hours of sleep siince I got up for work last Friday morning. Good thing the office is closed today for the holiday.

I really want to talk to her right now. I want to talk her out of this, persuade her to move back in. But I realize a few really important things that make me feel that NC is the way to go for now:

1. She struggles when making really big decisions.

2. She is somewhat shy and tends to retreat from arguments or intense situations.

3. We are both hurting right now. Neither one of is eating or sleeping properly right now. Probably neither one of us is thinking really clearly today.

4. Her reasons for breaking up are noble, and she will want to stick to her heroic gesture if she can.

5. I do think that there is a chance that we can work things out and get back together, but I don't think that either one of us is ready for that conversation yet.

So I will try really hard to wait for a while. Ideally, at least a week, maybe a couple of weeks. But if she keeps texting me everyday, my willpower might crack.