Can you recover after appearing desperate/needy?

[Solid]

Hey everyone... My girlfriend and I broke up two months ago. She ended things, due to my jealous/immature actions. Following the breakup, I tried pleading with her... And even begging. I even told her that I would cry myself to sleep... BIG MISTAKE, I know. There's nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man who appears needy and desperate.

After a couple weeks of no contact... I made her this big card, with 50 reasons why I love her, and bunch of other stuff that I thought would have an impact... But nope.

This was the first time a girl's ever broken up with me... So I had no idea how to deal with it. But after talking with friends, and reading up on strategies on the internet, I discovered that the best thing to do is to move on with my life, and not contact her for a while.

However... I'm worried that my desperate tactics may have dug a hole too deep for me to get out of. Is there any chance for me to recover from that? Or did I sabotage my chances completely?

Also, although I'm going to refrain from contacting her in general... I'm wondering if I should make an exception for Valentine's Day tomorrow? Just a text message saying something like "Hey stranger, just wanted to say Happy V-day." Or should I just stick to the no-contact thing?

Thanks ladies.

[Lulu]

No contact!!!

[TheWizard]

at this point everything you do is feeding the fire with gasoline. It's not the good fire too, it's the one that screams of desperation. Sending her something on V Day means you haven't moved on, probably have noone else in your life at the moment, and will empower her again with the idea she had made the right move. Seriously.. delete her number.

[Solid]

I understand what you mean... But it seems weird to me, how you can be your true self around someone when you're in a relationship with them... Like reveal your feelings and whatnot. And she's okay with that, and accepts you for who you are. But then when you break up, if you reveal those feelings you are perceived as weak and desperate all of a sudden. Seems kinda strange to me.

[Baybee]

Yeah don't contact her. She's probably already moved on with her life and you should too. Maybe try dating again, you never know you might find someone who appreciates you better

[HappyToBeMe]

It's too late to salvage anything feelings that might be there. She probably already wrote you off as desperate and anything you do at this point will just reinforce that.

[LoveMyBf-x]

Do NOT contact her on valentines day. She is CLEARLY not interested in any attention from you now.

I know I'm blunt - but I dont pussy foot around people who need to be told something serious.

Carry on with your life, you and her were obviously not mean't to be, so just leave it.

If she's interested, she will come back to you whether you contact her or not.

Tbh - you probably can't recover from looking desperate and needy, she probably won't forget it neither, BUT just see it as a lesson, learn from it, and don't act like it again! However, obviously act with sensitivity.

The fact you say this is the first time you've been dumped, says a lot about your relationship experience. You have a long way to go before you meet the one.

[Solid]

The thing is, this wasn't just your typical fling... Where you say "We just weren't right for each other, time to move on" or whatever. I mean, we lived together... Just the two of us. We were looking at engagement rings at one point.

She didn't WANT to end things. I forced her hand by being an immature idiot. I know that if she could see I've changed, she'd consider giving me another chance. Problem is, she gave me so many chances to change before... So now I'm The Boy Who Cried Wolf. She doesn't believe I can change.

If she broke up with me because she didn't love me, or because she didn't like my personality, then yeah... I'd be like "Time to move on, have a nice life." But that wasn't the case at all. We broke up over something that was totally fixable... That's what makes it so difficult for me to accept.

[Illusional]

i thought that you said that you were going to move on with your life...

anyways, i think that it's already over between you two. by you clinging onto her, it's probably irritating her and rather than getting back with you, she's looking for a way to avoid you. trust me, it's over and i think that you should move on with your life.

raverboy

[love2010]

you know i feel exactly like you, i even said the same boy who cried wolf thing. I also made some mistakes with my negative and stressful attitude that finally got to her. She was with my girlfriend for 8 years she was my first an only ever. I haven't been with no one else and have no interest, but this time i handled things differently. I quicikly realized what everyone says you cant beg and cry just let her see you move on its hard to even say, but we have to listen to the advice given to us. this just happened to me two weeks ago and were still living together because we are trying to figure out what to do with our brand new house we just bought and if it makes you feel any better i was engaged for two months and my wedding was suppose to be in may. This is the hardest thing i have ever been through in my life and we have to just pray and hope we get through it with a new look at life.

[Solid]

Sorry to hear that man... Sounds like we are in the same boat.

I wish I could've approached this situation better from the beginning... From a position of strength rather than weakness. The most recent letter I sent her said something along the lines of "I'd like to preserve whatever shred of dignity I have left (if any), so I'm not begging or pleading with you anymore. I know that deep down, beneath my issues, there is a good man. And if you don't care enough about me to believe that, then I don't know why I'm fighting so hard for us in the first place."

I sent that a few days ago... Haven't heard from her yet. Probably won't at all. But, if nothing else, I just wanted my last words to her to be more respectable than the pathetic begging I was doing a few weeks ago.

[love2010]

wow i wrote her two letters also, but this was the first few days and they pretty much said the same thing. I don't blame her at all for what shes doing to me its just hurtful that she does not see its a mistake i truly know it is and actually i feel sorry for her because i might not be here or feel the same if she changes her mind and wants to come back. I gave her everything i could possibly give from materialistic things to all my honesty and love maybe it was to much or not enough idk anymore i just have to stop thinking about and hope she gets it out of her system while she still has a very small chance with me because i am in love with her and i know we can make it work.

[tropigal82]

Two things:

1) Don't contact her!!! If she loves you then one day she will be curious why you haven't contacted her for so long and she will contact you outta the blue. If she doesn't love you or is not interested in you anymore, she won't, but at least you will have moved on with your life and not wasted time wondering 'what if...'.

2) The positive thing is that its never too late to 'reform' someone's opinion of you. Think about it. Has your view of her, and your view of all your friends and family always stayed the same? Or has it changed? Sometimes your annoyed with someone but one day you see them in a different light and you totally forget about the time they used to annoy you? Humans are constantly adapting and reacting. Nothing is set in stone. You can change a persons perception of you if you know what you are doing. I dated a guy for 5 months and fell head over heels with him, unfortunately without realising it I started to become a bit to needy and intense. This freaked him out and he kind of asked if we could 'cool things' a bit, I interpreted this as 'breaking up.' Usually when a guy breaks up with me I become awash with tears and emotion and begging them not to break up, but this time I decided purposely to remain calm and act cool. I didn't contact him for a few days, but he was suddenly texting / emailing / phoning me up every day and wanting to meet up with me every week again, so we are back to 'stage 1' but this time I am playing it very cool and carrying on with my life, not letting myself 'need' him. Today he even asked if he can come on holiday with me! So surely his perception of me has changed, I am no longer the 'needy, clingy girl-friend' but now he perhaps sees me as a 'independant, chilled out girl who he likes to hang out with." So there is hope!!! But remember, its like a game of tennis... you can hit the ball over to them and wait for them to hit it back. Then you're game set and match. The fatal mistake is to keep hitting balls into their court, and never seeing any of them being hit back! I call it the 'one ball rule' LOL.

Hope things work out for you. Remember, patience is the order of the day!

[Solid]

Good advice. Thanks for sharing your insights.

I like the tennis analogy. Makes perfect sense. Hopefully, over time... She'll begin to see that my constant need to contact her is gone. And she'll consider reaching out to me. As you said, I just have to stay patient and chill out.

[Illusional]

why do you want to wait for this girl honestly? i think that you should move on and not hope for the best to come by. if she really wants to get back with you in the future, then she will make an attempt.

raverboy