What do I do next?

[dewilliams2]

Okay so I have known this girl for like 10 years, we met back when we were kids and there was about a 2 year period of time where we didn't talk at all but for the most part we have always been in touch.

After that two year period where we didn't talk we started seeing each other and that was all going well for about a month or two she told me she had been living with a guy for that period of time who was an ass, you know treated her bad and didn't have a job...well I was going to tell her that I loved her but then that guy showed back up and said how much he had changed and all this other bs and asked her to marry him. She said yes. I backed off, maybe I shouldn't have but I figured if she felt the same about me as I felt about her she would have told him no.

So for about the past year they have been married...sure enough he hadn't changed he still treated her bad and doesn't have a job. Now during the past year we have talked on occasion but it has been as friends. She left her husband not to long ago and is going through the process of getting a divorce, in the meantime she is living with her mom. Out of nowhere lastnight she said she thought we should get together and have sex.

Now understand part of me really...and I mean really wanted to do that. But the other part of me knew that I would just be more upset later. So I told her how I felt. I told her that I loved her and if I couldn't have all of her then I didn't really want to to have any of her because I would always just want more.

She said that really meant a lot to her and that she was happy to hear that but she never actually said that she loved me to.

I don't want to be her damned friend. To complicate everything she had a baby with the guy and she is now just over 6 mons old. Honestly that doesn't bother me. But I'm sure between not even being fully divorced and having a baby she has some things on her mind.

So do I take her not saying she loves me as she doesn't love me? Do I give her time alone? Do I ask her if she loves me at all? I mean honestly I've waited for a long time. I've dated other girls and I love her.

What do I do next?

[bara.beat]

"Patience is a virtue" is how the saying goes if I'm correct in remembering. Give her a little time, she's probably confused enough as it is with the divorce and having a very young baby [I know because my mum got divorced when my little sister was that age]. I say that you give her a while to breathe, don't rush into asking her how she feels about you because she didn't give you a full answer. Just be there for her if she needs someone to talk to and then she'll maybe have her head cleared out more. However, if everything is better soon and she's her usual self again but still didn't give you a real answer THEN you can ask her straight.

[IndiReloaded]

If she is going through a divorce, the best thing for you to do is to stay waaay back. The last thing she needs is the further complication of your relationship, whatever it is or may be.

Think of it like this: by waiting, you can come to each other clean and never wonder if you somehow contributed to their split.

Her comment about having sex should tell you how very vulnerable she is right now. If you love this gal, and it sounds like you do, then be her friend but do NOT take away her ability to come to you as an independent, contributing partner. You will want to rescue this gal, move your relationship with her forward asap, and all these things. Don't. Longterm you will understand that a bit more patience is the best thing you can do for your relationship.

BTW, are you ready to become a stepparent to her child? You'd better be, otherwise you aren't doing her or her child any favours. If you have any doubts, step back, including friendship b/c that's not really what you want from her.

[dewilliams2]

Honestly I don't mind her having a little girl. I want to be a dad, I always kinda planned on the child being my own biological child but I would be more than willing to work all that out because it does complicate the situation.

I guess your both right about waiting...I just don't want to miss my opportunity.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm not saying to ignore her completely. Be her friend, but not her emotional tampon. Let her know you admire her and wish her the best. Offer help, even, but keep your involvement in things closer to a supportive friend than a partner. A certain distance will actually help maintain her interest. You don't want to half-court her, I think. When the time is right, you want to go for it full-steam ahead. So, bide your time.

As for missing out again, I don't know your relationship, but you could consider in a calm moment telling her exactly how you feel. Spill it, but keep your cool. Let her know you don't want to pursue anything until she and her daughter's life is stabilized. Keep your expectations low and show you have her best interests at heart. She will be processing a lot of things, and finding out a friend has loved you for a long time isn't something one accepts easily, especially if the rest of your life is a shambles. She's looking for stability right now in a sea of chaos. Your confession could make her fear she will lose you as a friend if she doesn't reciprocate. So, make sure you reassure her about this.

Think of it like taming a very nervous, slightly abused filly. She will need careful approaching to learn to trust you. Imagine how you might feel if you were divorcing a wife who was a mess and then find out an old friend has been waiting for you. Reasonable response ranges could go anywhere from shocked, elated, angry, overwhelmed or all of the above.

[dewilliams2]

Okay so I talked to her more today....some stuff came out I had no idea about. I always knew he was emotionally detached and abusive in that regard but I never knew he was also verbally and physically abusive to her. I was totally shocked to hear some of the things he did...its just not right...I won't go into detail but she put up with a lot of shit that nobody should ever have to go through.

Anyways I'm definitely putting any relationship outside of friends between me and her on pause...huge pause. I know she needs a friend now....when she mentioned sex the other day I thought she was ready to kind of move forward with us. But she did tell me today to that she self-conscious about her body after the baby...and she is like 20 lbs heavier but she looks beautiful cause she wasn't big before and I told her I thought she was beautiful. But between the abuse and what her body has gone through she has low self-esteem right now and I didn't even realize.

So basically she wanted to have sex in order to feel like somebody loved her or at least found her physically attractive. I'm not gonna worry about what this means for the two of us I just want to help her to get back to the point where she feels like she is worth something. Because I know you don't know her but she is so great. She is so smart I don't know how being as smart as she is she fell into this relationship. She is funny and beautiful and she is a great mom.

I guess what I could use a little advice with now is what is the best way to move with her. I know she needs to be handled with care...forget anything romantic I mean how can I make her feel like she is worth something as her friend and get her built back up to where maybe someday she is ready for another relationship with much less abuse? She deserves so much more than what she is getting.

[IndiReloaded]

Encourage her to do things that she can feel good about: take classes, job success, exercise program, etc. The most valuable gift you can give someone is themselves. As I said, avoid the temptation to rescue her--it will poison your longterm relationship. Read the sticky in the Love Advice section called "Shining Knight". Don't go there.

[Asip4u]

Run as fast as you can and don't look back. I am serious about this. Women like this have major issues .She knew what her ex was like and she still chose him over you. Very likely it wil keep happening so back out now before you get in too deep.

[dewilliams2]

Run as fast as you can and don't look back. I am serious about this. Women like this have major issues .She knew what her ex was like and she still chose him over you. Very likely it wil keep happening so back out now before you get in too deep.

Thats not right...even if we never do get romantic I'm not that big of a dick to abandon her now when she is at her lowest...thats just jacked up...I've known her for 10 years and all of a sudden I'm gonna say oh I'm sorry I can't help you. Not to mention the fact that until just recently she didn't even realize I cared for her and she had been suffering from low self-esteem for a long time maybe she never thought that I could care for her so I'm not gonna pull that kinda dick move on her right now. Even if we don't end up together she needs some help.

@Indireloaded... yea I wasn't planning on doing anything "courageous" or "knightly"....I just want to help but I know not to exceed my place. She did just recently sign up to go back to school which I told her I was very proud of her for and she has been out looking for a job...I'm not gonna mention an exercise program cause that will just make her think I want her to lose weight or think she needs to...I'm not touchin that one.

[Asip4u]

Thats not right...even if we never do get romantic I'm not that big of a dick to abandon her now when she is at her lowest...thats just jacked up...I've known her for 10 years and all of a sudden I'm gonna say oh I'm sorry I can't help you. Not to mention the fact that until just recently she didn't even realize I cared for her and she had been suffering from low self-esteem for a long time maybe she never thought that I could care for her so I'm not gonna pull that kinda dick move on her right now. Even if we don't end up together she needs some help.

@Indireloaded... yea I wasn't planning on doing anything "courageous" or "knightly"....I just want to help but I know not to exceed my place. She did just recently sign up to go back to school which I told her I was very proud of her for and she has been out looking for a job...I'm not gonna mention an exercise program cause that will just make her think I want her to lose weight or think she needs to...I'm not touchin that one.

I was telling you that because exact same thing happened to me but whatever..To each their own.

[dewilliams2]

A new development...I've been out with her twice over the past two days since we were both off (as friends) and every once in a while it just gets a little weird. Like she has started smoking again and I told her she really needed to quit and I told her I knew she had some stressful stuff goin on but I wasn't gonna be on her until it was cleared up and then I was gonna "ride her ass hard"...meaning nag her...she said "do you promise?"...and then today we were at the mall and we were in Hot Topic and they had some corsets and other bits of well you get the idea anyways she said "you know I have a few of these already...I'm just throwin it out there"...and there have probably been like 10 other times like that in 2 days and I have to be honest it is extremely hard to remain just her friend and I really don't want to...and I guess I really just need to know that I am doing the right thing because you have no idea how much I want...once again you have an imagination.

Is it the right thing or should I just have sex with her and then worry about it later?

[traceylee36]

first things first..if a woman loves a man she tells him ok...she doesnt love you shes just looking for support..put aside your feelings for her and be her freind and give her that support