Mixed signals...my ex is contacting me. What to do?

[elphie]

My ex and I were dating for just over two years. For the most part things were going well, we had a few arguments, but worked them out. Towards the end, he went through some major life changes (completely changing his diet and routine) and wasn't sure he could commit 100% to the relationship, wanted to figure out his goals, and he felt that the things that had been problem areas couldn't really be fixed/resolved. It was a very clean, respectful, mature break-up and I am saying this as the person who was broken-up with. One thing we both wanted was to stay in touch. It's been just over a month and he's already emailed me a couple of times, sending funny links or things he thought I would like. My birthday is coming up next week and I received a present (a book he thought I would like) in the mail from him yesterday, with a personalized message, saying "happy birthday, all the best."

Any thoughts on what this might mean? Is he trying to stay in touch? Why so soon after the break-up then? I have friends who have stayed friends with exes, but it wasn't for at least 6 months or more that they started talking again. Is he testing the water to see how I feel and if I would be open to being in a relationship again?

As much as it hurt, breaking -up was a really good thing in order to sort out my life and figure out what I want (being in a relationship takes up a lot of time so not being in one gave me more time to get stuff done, develop new interests, etc.). We had a really good relationship (it wasn't perfect, but it never will be) and I am open to giving things a second chance. So I guess the second part of this is that I want to thank him for the gift. Do I send an email or mail a thank-you note/card? A card could be short and simple without giving a lot of info (he hasn't really given any personal info about himself), but still be interpreted as personal. If I send an email, I would probably include a little more to make it feel more personal, but how much to include? Is it a good idea to include personal info? I've never stayed in touch with an ex or had anything remotely like this and am completely at a loss for what to do.

[cmacattack1]

Well since you guys are acting like friends right now, what would you do for a friend?

I know you want to give it another go, but unfortunately he doesn't. I wouldn't bother trying to read into this and find some hidden meaning or scope out any potential feelings. You were an important part of his life, he is always going to care about you in some way, shape or form.

He wanted to break up and that's how it's gotta be. It sounds good that it wasn't messy, being a few months out of a messy one myself. If you find yourself unable to be with somebody else though, that might cause you some problems. It's very soon but something to think about.

[Jas_mine]

He may well have realised that he has made a mistake and is making the first move in expressing interest and trying to woo you back. Not being sexist but blokes never really mean it when they say let's be friends, it's usually either a line to let you down gently or to keep you hanging until they figure things out. It appears that it may be the latter for you. The emails seem to be a way of keeping in touch so that you don't forget him, and the gift is thoughtful and caring, especially as it's a week early! Guys don't make that much effort for somebody they are not romantically interested in! I suggest you play it cool as you will never know for sure until he officially declares his intentions, if he does have any that is. Make sure you text him to thank him for the present, and mention that it was very lovely and sweet, and casually invite him to your birthday celebrations - the ball is then in his court.

[lhn]

I think the two posts above are pretty spot on apart from Jas_mine's "Not being sexist but blokes never really mean it when they say let's be friends, it's usually either a line to let you down gently or to keep you hanging until they figure things out." - thats the same for both sexes.

Coming back to your post... I think it sounds like you are both very mature and have a great mutual respect for one another. Perhaps things are better as friends? or perhaps, after time apart you are both now in a better position to try again?
I suppose from your point of view, its kinda like there is a feeling of inevitability that you will reunite?? I don't know, I just get that feeling.

Like Jas_mine said, invite him for something and leave the ball in his court. Goes without saying not to mention 'getting back together' or anything like that. Treat it like you have just met him but use the wonderful history you have together as very valuable knowledge if things do go well.

[sookie6]

Hi,

I 'm impressed with how civil and respectful you both have been about the break-up (also I suspect this is due to the fact there is no third party involved...sorry I am not saying this to spoil it for you just an observation).

Your ex did great by acknowledging he was not 100% into the relationship and he was right to allow you to have your freedom back.

Usually I would say it's nearly impossible for a relationship to rekindle but in this case you have not been apart for too long and the respect is still very much present between the two of you.

What I would do is first decide if YOU want the relationship back on track and on the which terms...

If you do, then I guess the ball is in his court...if he really wants you back without using mind games do not make it too easy for him to have you back. I mean do not be the first one to raise the subject or to cuddle him more than you should.

This has to be his decision with all the actions to back it up. If he tells you he wants you back...see how far he is willling to commit. It will show how bad he wants you...If he wants to take things slowly because he's unsure...not good...

But if he wants to take some serious steps with you (moving in together, getting engaged, babies...you know the kind of things that scare the hell our of men!!!) yes maybe then he is bfriend material...

[cmacattack1]

This has to be his decision with all the actions to back it up. If he tells you he wants you back...see how far he is willling to commit. It will show how bad he wants you...If he wants to take things slowly because he's unsure...not good...

But if he wants to take some serious steps with you (moving in together, getting engaged, babies...you know the kind of things that scare the hell our of men!!!) yes maybe then he is bfriend material...

Aaaah don't get ahead of yourself thinking about all those she just listed. Take it one step at a time here. Otherwise, fair advice in my book.

[sookie6]

Aaaah don't get ahead of yourself thinking about all those she just listed. Take it one step at a time here. Otherwise, fair advice in my book.

One step at a time I agree but after 2 years a couple should be able to say whether they want to live together or not...after two years together I fail to see the point of a relationship if the two people do not start building on it. Next step is really to see if they can share the same house, enjoy living together. It might be that they can't. Better find out now!!!

If they carry on like this with litlle ups and downs they'll never know for ages...