can i call this life?

[converging]

i really do not know.. i would probably call it misery. maybe im in hell. i have been terribly depressed for a while now. i don't know what to do at all. i have some great close friends that i see almost everyday but it really doesn't help the situation. a lot of it has to do with social phobia and ridicule that i grew up facing quite often (as well as to this day). i will purposely avoid any stores or restaurants with employees that i know personally or just on a recognizable face basis for fear that they dislike me. this is something i just can't overcome. i feel as if im not on the same level as them. i am 21 years old and a virgin that has never been in a relationship. my friends make me feel humiliation over this, but i feel as if no one is attracted to me. every girl i've ever tried to talk to just seems disinterested. i've been told by many people im very introverted, but i feel as if im an introvert that longs the experiences of an extrovert. i try to cope with my emotions through writing but a lot of the time it just pushes the depression further. i realize new things through writing about whats creating the situation. i often have suicidal thoughts. i can feel the depression branching onto other psychological issues too.. a lot of the time before bed ill hear random words in my head. words of no real significance they just pop up subconciously as if someone is saying them.

i really am starting to believe that this life is nothing but punishment for being born.. some sort of hell. i really can't stand anything and everything.. but i want to. being surrounded by a system that rewards greed through war. and a life in which every notion is based off of punishment.

[MVPlaya]

being surrounded by a system that rewards greed through war.

Actually, this system is just as quick to penalize greed through war and rewards many acts of kindness and justice as well.

and a life in which every notion is based off of punishment.

Actually, most notions are based off of reward, punishment is simply a section of all the motivators and demotivators around us, not "every notion."


I'm starting here in your post because the nonsense you write is not logical, its just you trying to create a framework to justify your negative feelings. You cannot simply feel depressed, so you try to search for a greater meaning in your depression, and in the process construct these ridiculous notions about life and use those to justify your depression so that you can say something like: "i really am starting to believe that this life is nothing but punishment for being born.. some sort of hell."


People always like to pretend their emotions are the results of their thoughts, but its usually just the other way around, with our thoughts simply trying to justify our emotions. So with all the emotions you have running around, stop focusing on just the shitty ones.

You need to understand a few things:

1) You, as a person, can change, and will change. This is not just an issue of willpower or the ability to believe in yourself, this is simply a recognition that many things are going to happen to you in life that will change who you are as a person, how you feel about yourself, and how others will feel about you. In this process of change, which is already occurring around you, you have the option to shape that direction in which you change. You can either focus on the negativity in your life and keep justifying it and reinforcing your phobias, or you can focus on your good talents and develop those, and let those guide you.

2) You are not the only person to have ever felt this way. Many of the people who intimidate you, who you believe to be in a far better place than you, have gone through what you are going through or will go through this in some form in their lives. They will have their moments of depression, withdrawal, and feelings of inferiority. The overwhelming majority of these people, both those who are in the same place as you now or those who will be later, will exit this stage as part of their natural growth.


Your problem is simply this: you have a lot of urges and no way to express them, so you take it out on yourself. Most people see you as an introvert because you are shy and withdrawn, but you want to be outside and meet people, you want to be liked, you want to have relations, you want to have fun - but you are afraid, so you don't go out, don't meet people, and don't get the responses you want from others, with the result that the urges that should motivate you to go out are instead reminders of what you don't have - and, thus, depress you even more.


But there is a simple solution to this: you need to grow a ****ing pair of balls. If you are so socially uncomfortable that you cannot go to the same store out of fear that some person who you don't know might somehow have a negative emotion about you: then, 1) you lack any and every ability to withstand even the slightest perceived dislike from ANYONE, 2) are so timid that you take every other person's thoughts to heart before your own, and 3) completely deny anyone a chance to get to know you as you are too ****ing scared to even stick around.

Do you realize that you are doing this to yourself? Life didn't do this. There is no rule, no greed, no war, no punishment that is perpetuating what is going on with your life, its you.

And, believe it or not, thats a good thing, because you are something you have control over.

You need to overcome your phobias. You need to be able to go into stores where people see you frequently and socialize with people there. That does not mean become buddy, buddy, just that you are capable of exchanging the basic pleasantries ("hey, how you doing" "good, hows your day" "just busy, school/work, you guys still have that [insert whatever you're looking for]?" "sweet, thanks man"). You need to learn these small simple social cues. You are not incapable of learning them, you are not somehow mystically designed to be inferior thanks to some god of karma to never get these things that everyone is intellectually capable of understanding, you are simply so timid that you deny yourself all these social experiences that people are supposed to learn from in life. I have no idea how old you are, I am guessing 18-25, with the social abilities of someone around 14, and the reason for that is because you withdraw yourself so much that you are missing out on the experiences that you are expected to learn from by your age.

Thats why girls aren't interested in you.

You are insecure, you lack social knowledge, and you can't stand rejection - you take things so personally that you cannot even stand the thought of a human being disliking you. How about saying," he/she doesn't like me? Who cares, **** them, whose coming to the game tonight?"

You need to start learning. You won't have a girlfriend tomorrow, or next month, but if you stop being so timid and start trying to connect with other people instead of running away from every little thing that makes you uncomfortable, then you can start learning all the social rules that your peers now, and in the process become a more complete person. And when you do that, you'll see that there is absolutely nothing separating you from any other guy out there.

So instead of sitting around and sulking and writing depressing thoughts down into paper, go outside and meet some people. Join a gym, find a workout partner, get a job with some coworkers, join a student group / club / union and make some diverse friends: whether they're nerds, loaners, introverts, extroverts, potheads, ravers, or whatever the **** else. Don't judge, there's something to be learned from everyone around you in life. Don't make their stupid mistakes, of course, thats not what I'm saying, I'm just saying you need to learn from those around you. And if you have friends who constantly puncture your self esteem and ego, people who put you down and make you feel less able to be the person you want to become, then you need to ditch them and make new friends. Life is about growing as a person, and you need people who help you grow, not stand in your way.

But right now, the main thing standing in your way is you. So get out from behind your desk and games / TV shows or whatever you spend your time on, and go outside, and if you do get rejected / hurt / insulted, shrug it off - thats a lesson every guy you wish you were like already knew, and its an easy one, and the first one you'll need to learn.

[Mish]

i really am starting to believe that this life is nothing but punishment for being born.. some sort of hell. i really can't stand anything and everything.. but i want to. being surrounded by a system that rewards greed through war. and a life in which every notion is based off of punishment.

You are only saying this because you haven't had many good experiences in life, but once you do have them this feeling will go away and you will feel much better. I promise. Don't look outside for now, focus on simple little things that make you feel good. When was the last time you did something nice for yourself? Today is as good as any

[Emesis]

All the words of encouragement mean nothing. You can't expect anyone to like you if you don't like yourself. Stop blaming your childhood for your problems. Stop blaming your friends for your problems. Stop blaming those restaurant and store employees for your problems. Stop blaming the "system" for your problems. Stop blaming life for your problems. The only person or thing holding you back is yourself. Want to get the most out of life? Then think of something you want and go for it. That's all there is to it.

[irrelevant_89]

MVPlaya says a lot of truth. But I'm curious about a couple of things. Are you in college or are you working? Where do you know your friends from? Is there a place near you where you think you could make some acquaintances? Because, as he said, the best way of improving social skills is to get yourself on as many social situations as possible. Even a simple trip to the supermarket (or that restaurant you dread so much) counts.

And something that might help you: you're not alone. I'm also almost 21, a virgin who's never been in a relationship, and something of a social misfit with little friends worth that title, and often find myself depressed about it. Personally I'm a little out of time and willpower to work out those kinks, so I'm putting all my energy on studies. I guess that's another bit of advice - having a goal in life other than that social mumbo-jumbo will put your mind off depression a bit, and probably make you more interesting to others.

Finally, something I read somewhere: "when you're 18, you worry about what others think of you. When you're 40, you don't give a damn about what others think of you. When you're 60, you realize nobody had been thinking about you at all." So relax. People aren't judging every single of your actions, when you think they don't like you they probably have no opinion about you at all. So go out and start creating good opinions!

[traceylee36]

I hae said this time and time again on many forums..go see your doctor ..you have a seratonin imbalance..it works wonders couple this with psycological help. I do not say all this for a quick fix. I say it because i lived it. Do yourself a favour ..get off these forums and see your GP.

[angel2002]

Actually, this system is just as quick to penalize greed through war and rewards many acts of kindness and justice as well.


Actually, most notions are based off of reward, punishment is simply a section of all the motivators and demotivators around us, not "every notion."


I'm starting here in your post because the nonsense you write is not logical, its just you trying to create a framework to justify your negative feelings. You cannot simply feel depressed, so you try to search for a greater meaning in your depression, and in the process construct these ridiculous notions about life and use those to justify your depression so that you can say something like: "i really am starting to believe that this life is nothing but punishment for being born.. some sort of hell."


People always like to pretend their emotions are the results of their thoughts, but its usually just the other way around, with our thoughts simply trying to justify our emotions. So with all the emotions you have running around, stop focusing on just the shitty ones.

You need to understand a few things:

1) You, as a person, can change, and will change. This is not just an issue of willpower or the ability to believe in yourself, this is simply a recognition that many things are going to happen to you in life that will change who you are as a person, how you feel about yourself, and how others will feel about you. In this process of change, which is already occurring around you, you have the option to shape that direction in which you change. You can either focus on the negativity in your life and keep justifying it and reinforcing your phobias, or you can focus on your good talents and develop those, and let those guide you.

2) You are not the only person to have ever felt this way. Many of the people who intimidate you, who you believe to be in a far better place than you, have gone through what you are going through or will go through this in some form in their lives. They will have their moments of depression, withdrawal, and feelings of inferiority. The overwhelming majority of these people, both those who are in the same place as you now or those who will be later, will exit this stage as part of their natural growth.


Your problem is simply this: you have a lot of urges and no way to express them, so you take it out on yourself. Most people see you as an introvert because you are shy and withdrawn, but you want to be outside and meet people, you want to be liked, you want to have relations, you want to have fun - but you are afraid, so you don't go out, don't meet people, and don't get the responses you want from others, with the result that the urges that should motivate you to go out are instead reminders of what you don't have - and, thus, depress you even more.


But there is a simple solution to this: you need to grow a ****ing pair of balls. If you are so socially uncomfortable that you cannot go to the same store out of fear that some person who you don't know might somehow have a negative emotion about you: then, 1) you lack any and every ability to withstand even the slightest perceived dislike from ANYONE, 2) are so timid that you take every other person's thoughts to heart before your own, and 3) completely deny anyone a chance to get to know you as you are too ****ing scared to even stick around.

Do you realize that you are doing this to yourself? Life didn't do this. There is no rule, no greed, no war, no punishment that is perpetuating what is going on with your life, its you.

And, believe it or not, thats a good thing, because you are something you have control over.

You need to overcome your phobias. You need to be able to go into stores where people see you frequently and socialize with people there. That does not mean become buddy, buddy, just that you are capable of exchanging the basic pleasantries ("hey, how you doing" "good, hows your day" "just busy, school/work, you guys still have that [insert whatever you're looking for]?" "sweet, thanks man"). You need to learn these small simple social cues. You are not incapable of learning them, you are not somehow mystically designed to be inferior thanks to some god of karma to never get these things that everyone is intellectually capable of understanding, you are simply so timid that you deny yourself all these social experiences that people are supposed to learn from in life. I have no idea how old you are, I am guessing 18-25, with the social abilities of someone around 14, and the reason for that is because you withdraw yourself so much that you are missing out on the experiences that you are expected to learn from by your age.

Thats why girls aren't interested in you.

You are insecure, you lack social knowledge, and you can't stand rejection - you take things so personally that you cannot even stand the thought of a human being disliking you. How about saying," he/she doesn't like me? Who cares, **** them, whose coming to the game tonight?"

You need to start learning. You won't have a girlfriend tomorrow, or next month, but if you stop being so timid and start trying to connect with other people instead of running away from every little thing that makes you uncomfortable, then you can start learning all the social rules that your peers now, and in the process become a more complete person. And when you do that, you'll see that there is absolutely nothing separating you from any other guy out there.

So instead of sitting around and sulking and writing depressing thoughts down into paper, go outside and meet some people. Join a gym, find a workout partner, get a job with some coworkers, join a student group / club / union and make some diverse friends: whether they're nerds, loaners, introverts, extroverts, potheads, ravers, or whatever the **** else. Don't judge, there's something to be learned from everyone around you in life. Don't make their stupid mistakes, of course, thats not what I'm saying, I'm just saying you need to learn from those around you. And if you have friends who constantly puncture your self esteem and ego, people who put you down and make you feel less able to be the person you want to become, then you need to ditch them and make new friends. Life is about growing as a person, and you need people who help you grow, not stand in your way.

But right now, the main thing standing in your way is you. So get out from behind your desk and games / TV shows or whatever you spend your time on, and go outside, and if you do get rejected / hurt / insulted, shrug it off - thats a lesson every guy you wish you were like already knew, and its an easy one, and the first one you'll need to learn.

PERFECT WORDS, MAKE YOUR WORDS MY WORDS. YOU SHOULD BE A WRITTER:p

[Mard]

i really do not know.. i would probably call it misery. maybe im in hell. i have been terribly depressed for a while now. i don't know what to do at all. i have some great close friends that i see almost everyday but it really doesn't help the situation. a lot of it has to do with social phobia and ridicule that i grew up facing quite often (as well as to this day). i will purposely avoid any stores or restaurants with employees that i know personally or just on a recognizable face basis for fear that they dislike me. this is something i just can't overcome. i feel as if im not on the same level as them. i am 21 years old and a virgin that has never been in a relationship. my friends make me feel humiliation over this, but i feel as if no one is attracted to me. every girl i've ever tried to talk to just seems disinterested. i've been told by many people im very introverted, but i feel as if im an introvert that longs the experiences of an extrovert. i try to cope with my emotions through writing but a lot of the time it just pushes the depression further. i realize new things through writing about whats creating the situation. i often have suicidal thoughts. i can feel the depression branching onto other psychological issues too.. a lot of the time before bed ill hear random words in my head. words of no real significance they just pop up subconciously as if someone is saying them.

i really am starting to believe that this life is nothing but punishment for being born.. some sort of hell. i really can't stand anything and everything.. but i want to. being surrounded by a system that rewards greed through war. and a life in which every notion is based off of punishment.

from reading this, i can say we are atleast 90% a like, it almost felt that i was wrting this post of yours.

Anyways my situations is a bit different, for the first 16 years of my life i was raised in saudi arabia, i was not allowed to even talk to girls there, plus i never had a sister, the only female in my life was mom for the first 16 years. Then i came to canada and ofcourse because of my childhood i was really shy and even scared of girls, you wont believe the humiliations that i had to face in school in the first few years I was here in Canada. That broke even a tiny bit of confidence i had.

anyways can i ask you how was your child hood? where did things go wrong for you or were you always like this, maybe we can help each other

[telecino]

it seems a lot of people have a lot of thing in common. Depression, boredom, humiliation, seem to be a typical experience for most people, but it seems that some have it more than others.

[kalen]

dude, you really need to get laid. A few days in a row should help.

[EvanHadkins]

Hi Converging, Anti-depressants have saved my partner's life more than once. Please consider them. They usually work best if you do talk therapy at the same time.

It sounds like you have had some pretty unpleasant experiences. It was probably because of these that you decided you weren't likeable. It is possible with a good therapist over time to change how you feel about yourself.

In my experience it has been important to be kind to myself, I hope you have the time and resources to do some nice things for yourself.

[boobaa]

I've been in a life like this.

What you need to do is let go of your emotions. Just go for a walk, look up at the sky and say to yourself: it really is a beautiful day. Breathe and see if it makes you smiling. If it does, smile back to other person walking past you, and the next one, and next one.

I know the random word thing, it gets really weird. And deep conversations with yourself over the meaning of everything. But this can all be, this is not real issue.

I was depressed and still kind of am, but it comes and goes now. Life tends to be easier due to the methos of just relaxing more, looking at beautiful day. Next thing I know, I got the girl, fell out of the sky and that was the least expected moment at that time. Weird to think back at it. And then I get emotionally too attached and lose everything, which brings me back to the point where I just have to relax and let go, not thinking about anything specific in particular. But it is harder to hold this state of mind than actually achieve it, especially when you have already gained something.

Depression is a problem. But constantly thinking over it, the causes of it and thinking how bad the system is, is not going to take your problems away, it only deepens it. I look at todays society, and people around me, listen to them speak, listen to their expression of thoughts and I constantly have facepalm -- but hey what can I do about it. That has been from day 1 to this very day. So I say "ok.." just smile, breathe and ask myself why does this matter? In fact it is their way of thinking, and they may be the same way about my way of thinking, there really is no right and wrong. Good usually comes from the expense of others anyway.

You write. So, do you do this because you feel you need to do this because of some depression and all, or is it because you just feel like writing some good story? Take a break from the things you do not actually enjoy, if you can, go for a walkabout.


I was once prescribed antidepressants, by a psychiatrist. She didn't even listen to my problems or anything, just prescribed some tabs. Thing with it is though that those drugs affect chemical balance in my brain and body, but how can she prescribe something like this if she does not know my exact chemical balance? So I ate those tabs a while and got better for some time. But it screwed up my physical well being a little, heart racing etc. I didn't feel like myself. Thing with most of these drugs (although there are many, and different) is that they don't actually take away your problems, your attitude, your way of thinking and logic. If you stop taking those drugs you may discover yourself in very bad state, worse than before.
It is a problem with these kinds of relationship forums etc, that a lot of people are here, but are actually inadequate at giving good advice. I've been rolling thoughts of suicide for a long time now, one time I even went to do it, but I was drunk and failed to do it. The best advice I have gotten is from drug forum, because there are just all kinds of people there, who have actually experienced shit, the uprisings and downfalls. From hopeless opiate addicts to millionaires.
It may be kind of ironic to say, but the thing that brought me to earth was 3g of shrooms. And this is not the thing to take regularly each week... once a year can even be enough, for some people once in a lifetime.

[Raze]

I would recommend anti-depressants. Go see a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis. Don't try to diagnos yourself; let a professional do it.

[ecojeanne]

i don't recommend pills for goodness sake people he is only 21!

i was the same at your age, i was extremely shy and i got passed it by doing something that terrified me. i moved away from my parents to the other side of the planet completely on my own with a wad of cash i saved myself and travelled and forced myself to actually talk and meet people. you just have to scare yourself into becoming the person you really are deep inside which is a vibrant alive human that people will like if you give yourself a chance.

don't get me wrong, i know it's not easy, i know very well. i had a massive panic attack when i was at the airport about to leave in a few hours and i still remember clearly my dad said 'you don't have to go, don't worry about the cost and expenses i'll look after that' this statement from him made me more determined because it was that bubble of security that was easy to fall back into. you can feel all secure in your world but it's that world you rely on that is holding you back. you know what i'm talking about

[Indignant]

boobaa is back!