Long Term new relationship after a long term marriage

[Kaius]

Hello,

Back in November I posted about meeting a woman and how I didn't know if she liked me even though there were signs. Some of you may recall, but here is a recap:

* We are both newly separated with 2 small kids each.
* We call/text each other many times a day
* We chat for hours in my car, and hold hands when we are together
* We text each other 1st thing in the morning, and last thing before bed.

I kissed her in early december, which confirmed her feelings for me. We started formally dating, and are currently very much in love. Many of the responders of this board indicated that this was purely a hot affair and would end soon. I am worried about that, as we have encountered relationship issues already, but we always work them out quickly by communicating and talking things through. We spend a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. We explore various topics about family, background, and everything we can think of. The sex has been incredible....consistently amazing....though I know things would cool down in that area over time....as I have been married for 12 years I know. We are planning our future together, even though we have only been dating for less than 3 months. I feel that since we both have had so much experience in a long term relationship, we know exactly what we want....and we find the answers within each other.

I don't know what to expect. All I can do is stay focused on our relationship, as I am very serious about her. I do intend to be with her in the long run, and hopefully marry her some day when our kids are older. I know people are pessimistic about these things, and the probability of success is very slim in this situation. I would like to think, since we are both outliers, we have a unique chance. I mean, how often do you see a super normal nerdy Asian accountant (me) with a gothic, tatooed, punk rock soccer mom (her)? I feel we are genuinely in love in spite of external pressures.

Any comments?

[QueenofCorona]

Only you would really know, what do you feel? It sounds like you are happy. Nothing wrong with a second chance at happiness.

I'd say to take it one day at a time. Don't rush anything. Its a whole new ballgame when kids and ex's are involved in a relationship.

[girl68]

Have fun with this!

[traceylee36]

go for it..you love her she loves you..what else is there to say? so what if people on this forum said it was just a hot affair that would soon end..youre still together right? yo obviously have great communication ..go for it! let loose and just have a great time being in love..dont worry bout what other people thing ffs

[Gigabitch]

Be careful, Kaius. You can enjoy being in love, but don't get married to this person until the infatuation has faded. There's no reason why you can't enjoy every moment, but you have to be cautious because of the kids.

[vashti]

You are still in the honeymoon stage. I would HOPE at this point you'd still be smitten.

Yes, enjoy the feeling, but try to avoid making any long term plans until you've been together for a respectable amount of time. Your kids have already been through enough, don't you think?

[IndiReloaded]

I don't know what to expect. All I can do is stay focused on our relationship, as I am very serious about her. I do intend to be with her in the long run, and hopefully marry her some day when our kids are older. I know people are pessimistic about these things, and the probability of success is very slim in this situation. I would like to think, since we are both outliers, we have a unique chance. I mean, how often do you see a super normal nerdy Asian accountant (me) with a gothic, tatooed, punk rock soccer mom (her)? I feel we are genuinely in love in spite of external pressures.

Any comments?

I don't remember the specifics of yours and her marriage breaking up and the old thread is gone. So my only comments at this point are: grab what you can as life is short, make adult choices, and protect your children from those choices the best you can.

[Kaius]

Ok... I may have jinxed myself. She broke up with me on Tuesday night. Here's what happened:

She was feeling sick Tuesday night and I prepared Indian food. She ate a little, and was quiet.
The plan for the evening was initially for us to talk about our thoughts and what we plan to do in the near term.
She didn't feel like talking, so I talked for a bit, but she didn't look interested. So I went on a tangent and she said,
"that's confusing....so vague". and I responded "it's vague because you aren't paying attention".
She got upset, and asked me to start over from the top. I said it's unimportant. She grabbed her bag and left my house.

The next morning she tried to call me, but I was at my kid's school meeting. She wrote me a long email telling me that she
has been feeling murkiness and unclarity in the way I communicate...which she doesn't like. She feels that it's better
that we stop dating. I had a feeling that it would end after last night, so I responded back that much of my planning
revolved around her, and I even quit smoking and drinking and lost 25 lbs because of her. I also told her that I didn't really
hate my job as much as I presented. The reason why I want to change jobs is because I wanted to make more money
to buy her nice things.

When she read the email, she called me and exploded. She accused me of lying to her about myself. She didnt know
I smoked, drank and was a total fast food junkie. She didnt know I actually tolerated my job. She felt I was dishonest with her,
all the while she was completely honest with me. I told her it doesn't matter anymore. It's over. She kept pursuing it
and yelled at me over the phone. Later, I emailed her again telling her it's better that we just stopped talking altogether,
because it's too painful for us. I am still so much in love with her, but I think she would be happier without me and my unclarity.
She called again to ask if I was ok. I cried over the phone, which to me is so uncool. I showed my vulnerable side... my insecurities....
as I figured I would never talk to her again. We were on the phone for hours. I asked her to just let me be....it hurts to love her
and not be with her. She said a part of her still wants me, but she could never trust me again.....and she is confused. She felt
I was putting up a front to win her affection, whereas in reality she already loved me for who I was. I felt I made changes in my life
for her, and it blew up in my face. I was hurt because it seems like she broke up with me, and I was dishonest for her sake. I didn't
want to burden her. Man this feels like high school all over again. Shes 38 and I'm 35, but this drama feels like a teenage soap.
I hung up again, thinking it was over.

This morning at 630am she called again and wants to be friends. I said no...I cant be friends with a woman I am in love with.
She was sad, but said ok. Then 2 hours later she called again....and I didnt pick up. Then later again.... she kept leaving
messages asking to be friends. I called her back and said NOOOOOOOO LEAVE ME ALONE. I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN 2 DAYS OFF WORK
BECAUSE I AM SO HURT...LET ME GRIEVE IN PEACE!!! She disagreed....and still wanted to be in touch.

I started to really miss her. She's been my mate for the last 4 months and now I felt empty.
Later I wrote her an email, telling her that I am sick of being hurt. I dont want to be friends. I want to continue our relationship
but differently. I want to earn her trust and respect. I want to be with her....as her man...not as her friend. She called and
said we should start from the beginning....when things were simple....and we were happier....as friends. If we take the same
path to become lovers again, then she would accept that just like the 1st time. She just wants to know me better....all over again.
I said ok...but I'd be tempted to kiss her. That was that.

[Kaius]

UPDATE:

It has been almost 3 months since this last post. We are definitely getting more and more serious, which is what we want.
Our respective divorces were concurrently finalized recently, because we wanted to get the legal stuff out of the way.
We had already been separated from our respective exs for a long time...so the real purpose of the legal paperwork is
so that we can focus on the possibility of marriage in the near future.

Next month, our kids will meet each other. We want to get them acquainted and see how they get along.
Her kids are 1.5 years older than mine, so we believe they can play together.
She is looking at schools in my area to prepare for a move so we can be closer to each other.

We have known each other almost 7 months, and dated almost 6 months. Since we are both in our mid-late 30's,
we try to see this as a mature relationship with no drama or BS. Once in a while, we bicker like teenagers, but
that's kinda the way we are. My only concern right now is the kids.... They are ages 2.5 - 7.5. How will they adapt
to new adults in their lives? Does anyone have any experience or advice on this matter?

Thanks.

[Sonrisa]

super normal nerdy Asian accountant?

[vashti]

My only concern right now is the kids.... They are ages 2.5 - 7.5. How will they adapt
to new adults in their lives? Does anyone have any experience or advice on this matter?.

Yes.

Let each biological parent do ALL of the discipling of their own child. The other adult should not be involved.
Do not bad-mouth the children's (absent) biological parent. Ever.
Agree on house rules that ALL the kids have to abide by - do not attempt to have different rules depending on who the parent is.
Don't get involved in the kid's squabbling. All kids do it - it's normal.
Don't force the kids to play with each other. A 7.5 year old has virtually NOTHING in common with the younger kids, and they may or may not like each other. (That's the way biological siblings are, too.)
Don't get all boo-hooey if the kids don't want to call you daddy (or mommy).
Don' get all boo-hooey if they want to see the other parent.
Respect the fact that the kids may not click with this new adult in their life. After all, they didn't choose them. Same for the new siblings. Most kids would much prefer their own family was back together than to have to deal with a bunch of new personalities they didn't ask for.
Don't make the kids share their personal items.