i wrote a blog, to share with those who struggle with a broken/numb heart

[domerdel]

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."C.S. Lewis

It's fair to say i'm guilty of both (and most of us are, but few will admit). Time after time, I've made myself vulnerable with my heart, and perhaps I've looked back to see myself giving too much. I thought wisdom told me to stop giving...all things exterior changed, I embraced my friends, my strength seemed right, the remedy was not to give, keep the heart intact... I was doing more of a dis-service to myself where I didn't follow through.

There is a time I went in my life, where the cycle repeated itself, when I channeled my anger, my pain, and my frustrations in vain acts and exchanged the vulernability of my heart to find stability in my equilibrium. I worked through my anger and pain... but the biggest challenge that never went away (and also took the most time) was reconciling with my heart to find closure.

Sometimes we choose to go numb over hurt. But as time goes on, wisdom tells us to value our senses. Let's say for example, you get poked in the eye... are we going choose to go blind, so we any future avoid blurry vision and pain? For every action, there's a reaction. but for every reaction, there should be action to bring us full circle.. get it? no? me either lol. All i'm saying is.. if you get poked in the eyes, your natural instinct is to close them and wait til the pain clears.. pain clears.. that's the 'reaction' but when you choose to open them and refocus yourself, that's the action to the reaction... lesson is, be cautious, but realize it is inevitable that all senses carry some vulnerability. If you lock them up, they are sure to shut down/alter.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”Leo F. Buscaglia

We get so wrapped up in worry of our future, it tends to ruin the present (i think that's another quote). I, to some extent, have made some very bold moves in life.In the beginning most of them were with my mind, the hardest risks came later in life that were with my heart. I'm at the point in my life where risk has entered both. I will admit my manhood and pride is damaged from the lack of consistency with the workforce and economy. Perhaps it's the Italian in me, I feel of less value, when I'm not providing and doing to my fullest potential. How does one shine, when they can't get out of the shadow of doubt? This quote relates a lot to the first one, but somehow I feel like I'm reflecting different thoughts that somehow separates this from the first quote (hard to explain right now).

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson

The keyword here that sticks out to me is 'forgiveness'. We are taught to forgive others, but how often when we reach our low point, do we ever really forgive ourselves? Granted, something kicks our ass, but let's not be too hard on ourselves. My only disagreement with this quote is careful of how much fuel you use. Keep the octane moderate, or else you'll run your body too rich and the MPG drops lol (sorry nerd joke).