need my girlfriend to relax... help!

[savoysuit]

Hi everyone,

So recently my gf has been having a hard time with sex. She can start off really in the mood, and be really into it... but then lose the mood amazingly quickly. Last night she had a small itch for a few second on her neck... we were all hot and bothered and then she mentioned this and couldn't regain her spirit (and trust me I've tried). Often she worries that she won't get wet. This isn't a physical problem... she can get quite wet, but her worrying about not getting wet causes her enough stress to not get wet (I hope that wasn't confusing). She also has a hard time when I'm focusing on her with her not reciprocating at the same time... she says she might be shy about being the center of attention (but also says I'm the one person in the world that she's totally comfortable with)... she has a hard time letting herself go to just enjoy sex. When she does, we have great sex, but it's not that often.

We talked about this stuff last night... she doesn't masturbate often. Almost never. A few times a year is all... she says she doesn't because it makes her feel weird, as she thinks it's mechanical. And thus, she doesn't think about sex much either. She can go a couple days without thinking about it once.

Through all this, I know she loves me and it attracted to me... she says it's something with herself that she needs to fix (and she's right). I really want to help her. I suggested she try using toys when she's masturbating, that we try more things in the bedroom... but to do that she has to be able to let go.

any advice I can give her?

[girl68]

It really is simple tell her to enjoy and relax. If she's worried about not getting wet tell her she doesn't need to. Lube to the rescue. I often don't get wet or at least not wet enough, fast enough. I just grab the bottle of lube and squirt it on like there's no tomorrow.

Tell her not to be so uptight. Sex is supposed to feel good and be fun. It should not cause distress! From everything it sounds like she hasn't actaully tried to enjoy sex.

It's going to take time, and patience on your part. Next time when you see the expression on her face say immediately: "baby, relax... don't worry!" Smile!

[savoysuit]

interestingly, she says that she really wants to have a good sex life with me (we see a future together), but she doesn't seem to want to put forth the effort to do anything about it.

When I ask her want she wants me to do (sexually) she just says "... I don't know". I ask her what he favorite part of sex is... that's the answer, same as for what turns her on.

[girl68]

Tell her she needs to figure it out. Saying you want to do something about it and actually doing something about it is very, very different. Right now she's all talk.

Sit down and tell her that she's your angel but there isn't a darn thing you can do to help her, make it fun for her, help her relax if she hasn't a clue what the hell she likes, wants, craves in bed. Ask her kindly to spend some time with herself thinking (and potentially masterbating) to discover herself. How can you be expected to please her when she doesn't even know how to please herself. She doesn't relax becasue she doesn't know how to relax and enjoy herself becasue she doesn't know what the hell she does enjoy!

Whatever you do, do NOT spend your "future" with a gal whom you can't have a reasonably good, regular, comfortable sex life with. It will only mganify in the long term.

[savoysuit]

well today I told her to take some time and think about it... and write down the things she wants, likes... fantasizes about in regards to sex. I told her to give me the list (sooner rather than later). And I've told her multiple times that I'm not blaming her for the current situation (although in reality, most of the predicament is due to her)

[girl68]

Good start. Has she agreed about this list?

[savoysuit]

she said she would do it. I hope she does, hoewever I'm not holding my breath. She'll probably tell me in a few days that she forgot.

[Gigabitch]

Does she have control issues? Is she afraid to let go? I've had a couple of friends who couldn't relax in the bedroom and they both concluded that it was ultimately a control issue.

I suggest getting her a little drunk. Champagne is a wonderful aphrodisiac.

[vashti]

100:1 odds she is not having orgasms. This isn't necessarily your fault; she just may not know how. she needs to work on that.

[savoysuit]

No, she does have orgasms. Guaranteed. I know you're rolling your eyes... but you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

As for control issues... not that I know of. She likes me to take charge, which I do... but otherwise...

[vashti]

How do you KNOW she's having an orgasm?

[savoysuit]

this isn't the point. I know she does have orgasms. There's always somebody in these kinds of threads that has to bring it up and insist that they're right.

[vashti]

Well, then you tell me: how many guys who have orgasms don't look forward to their next one? Hmmm?

As I said before, you are not necessarily to blame. She needs to know how to give one to herself before you will be able to do it for her, and the fact that she doesn't masturbate won't help.

[savoysuit]

so you assume that EVERY woman who maybe has a low sex drive doesn't have orgasms? What can I say... there's no way I'm going to be able to convince you that she does. But... she does.

[vashti]

Okay,if you insist, but then I guess it's just a matter of a difference in sex drives. There is no repair for that. You will either have to accept that her drive is very different from yours, or move on to a girl who is a better match.