refusing casual sex with her

[JohnHover]

Hello friends,
I'm 30 years old guy, currently single after a rather long relationship.

Last week I enrolled in a class for learning foreign languages.
I met a really fun girl there and we started a friendly chat almost immediately, couple of days later we would regularly go for a coffee together - feels really good to talk to her, she is very bright and we share rather similar interests in a variety of stuff like music, movies etc.

Last week we went out for a few drinks along with some new people we met at the class. She got a little bit drink and was openly flirting with me, I didn't pay that much attention to this as I really see her only as a good friend.
But what is even more important, I do not allow myself to get hooked up with any girl that is drunk.
All in all, she was drunk, pretty drunk in fact.
I walked her home, since it's not a good thing for intoxicated and pretty good looking girl to walk home alone in a big city, right? I hope everyone will agree.

When we got to her place she wanted me to go in with her and so I did. But only to make sure she is alright, she could barely walk by this point.
I helped her get to bed and she fell asleep instantly.
I stayed for a couple of minutes to be sure she is fine, I know from experience that very drunk people should not be left alone like that and she lives alone in her flat.

I went to the living room and fell asleep on her sofa, since I couldn't just go and leave her door unlocked like that.
I woke up early around 7 am, I went to her room and woke her up to tell her I'll be on my way and that she should lock her doors.

Maybe this sounds like a classic student drinking party and while we are indeed a little to old for this, it just happened.
Anyway, I continued my day as usual and exchanged a few text messages with her to make sure she is ok.

We saw each other a few days later and to my surprise I learned that she is a bit frustrated that we didn't "do it" that night.
Honestly, I was not surprised to learn this.. the amount of stereotypes that are attributed to men in general is amazing. In fact, the classic stereotype that says that men will take any opportunity they can get really makes you look out of place at times.

Don't get me wrong, I like sex... very much. But I just don't feel like taking any opportunity that I can, I like to take what I want to take.
And this does not involve girls that I value more as friends and definitely does not involve drunk girls.

Ok, I guess I just wanted to share this with you guys and ask you what do you think.
Anyone had any similar experiences?

[Doc Durian]

Been there and done that, mate.

The right kind of girl would have instantly recognized your values and been flattered that you thought so highly of her to treat her with such respect.

But I think you're deceiving yourself if you're suggesting that you aren't developing romantic feelings for her. They sound like they're in the grey indecisive area.

Despite her being drunk, she may have had a right to be frustrated... on a couple of levels.

A guy she clicks with and fancies is sitting on the proverbial fence. He is neither willing to take the next step, release her, or desire her.

Drunk and in limbo.

I can see, if that's the case, where her thoughts and actions may come from.

Being let loose from a long term relationship isn't instant.

Be honest with her about your feelings for her, any confusions, and where you've arrived from.

You call it a casual sex offer from a friend. I highly doubt she views it anything like that. She's into spending time with you and wants more.

[Peter Pry]

She wanted to get you into bed and you refused her. Whatever your reasons, or however honorable your intentions, you refused her. So of course she is hurt and frustrated. She was making herself available to you, and you took it as an insult, or "stereotype." Rejection causes pain.

It doesn't help her pain that while you're rejecting her, you're being a little superior about your moral fortitude. Instead of concentrating on what a moral and upstanding non-stereotypical man you are, respectful of women everywhere, you'd be much more respectful of her if you spent a little time thinking about her feelings as a human being--- a topic about which you neglect to say anything. That doesn't mean you have to bed her or go out with her, but if you really are the friend you claim to be, treat her with a little bit of understanding for the pain of wanting someone she cannot have.

But that having been said, Doc Durian is correct. You are so absolutely insistent that we be made fully aware that you were just walking her home, just putting her to bed, just sleeping on her couch, out of friendship, that you sound like you're in denial about wanting to be with her. In which case, go get her.

[ChatterBox]

The right kind of girl would have instantly recognized your values and been flattered that you thought so highly of her to treat her with such respect.

Exactly. If you want to continue with a relationship, be very, very careful. She sounds flaky. As if you're supposed to rape her while she's helpless? Flakey.

[JohnHover]

Thanks for your input guys.
Reason why I went on to explain everything into details is simply because I wanted to explain this unique situation. Don't worry I really really had no intentions of moralizing about it.
What you said made sense, seems that I should have been more direct towards explaining to her that friendship is all I look for, nothing else.

If there is a place where I could be 100% honest about my feelings, its got be an online forum, lol.
And this is as honest as it gets - I really have no romantic emotions towards her, nor desire to be with her sexually.
I guess I learned a good lesson this time - its not desirable to be friendly without prior declaration of friendship. Yep, it sounds stiff, but chances are that any boy-girl relation can potentially lead to some sort of mixed emotions.

[irrelevant_89]

^ that sounds like a good lesson. From what I perceive you accidentally friend-zoned her. Of course the only way to have avoided it would be to pick up on her interest early on and making your intentions (or lack of them) clear, which is... well, hard.

[Doc Durian]

I sense extremely strong denial in this yogi friendship/dating Jedi.

[SirWagginston]

Why do you want to friend-zone her? Is she unattractive?