Does the whole "nice guys finish last" thing stop after college

[MissAnn]

Yeah, I've heard people say that, too. In my own personal experience, once a woman thinks of me as a friend, it means that she is never going to think of me as a potential lover.

Here's how that strategy always played out for me:

1. Became attracted to a woman
2. Became friends with her
3. Never got anywhere serious with her
4. Got to hear her talk about the guys that she was dating
5. Finally got up the nerve to ask her out
6. Got gently rejected
7. Came to resent her for never seeing me as boyfriend material
8. Stopped being friends

That is the Friend Zone. That is Hell.

There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy, and any woman worth having will prefer nice guys to jerks. But being deceptive about your intentions isn't nice, it's dishonest. And you can't base a good relationship on dishonesty.

I've only had three serious, long-term relationships, and I've been in my current one for over six years. None of those relationships started out in the Friend Zone. And for what it's worth, all three started as blind dates, though that isn't the only way that I've met women.

Ok-I hope this doesn't come across as mean-but as woman I have had guys do this to me and I hate it, and I don't think it is very "nice". If a guy approaches me as a friend, I assume he wants to be friends. I assume if he was attracted to me, he would try to make something happen. So, excited about making a new friend, I go about my merry way and continue on with my life. Because I only know this guy as a friend, I treat him like a friend, which includes talking about my love life. Them, all of a sudden for no reason he is angry and resentful with me, cuts me off, and accuses me of being a horrible person because he had a thing for me all along. Yeah-real "nice".

If I am attracted to a guy, I will let him know. If he doesn't want to date me, fine. If I think I am emotionally capable of being friends with him, I will. If I think I need some space to sort through my feelings for him, fine. But I don't worm my way into his life under false pretenses and then feel like he is obligated to sleep with or date me.

From my experience, nice, stable, well adjusted women DO want to date nice guys. You just have the wrong idea of nice.

(I am sorry-I am directing this at the OP, not Vincenzo who acknowledged such behavior is dishonest. He just described it really well, so I wanted to use his quote.)

[OneQuestion]

If you only use the term for women, then I hope you don't mind my use of the term "misogynistic hypocrite."

Who said the term only applies to the female sex? Not me...

[VincenzoG91]

Who said the term only applies to the female sex? Not me...

Fair enough.

[VincenzoG91]

Here is a visual image of the Friend Zone. It's right in the middle.

[SirWagginston]

According to the above graph, I am insane. Oh, well... at least I get to say stupid shit without being criticized.

My parents are alien clones from the Andromeda galaxy!

[Doc Durian]

You can be friends first and lovers later. The disaster is only when one or the other person doesn't have the hidden feelings too.

[cmacattack1]

It all depends on what you are looking for. Some people in college haven't quite hit the maturity stride where they are looking for something serious. They go from one guy to another and are having a blast doing it. They are attracted to confidence in guys even if they are usually big headed. Some continue that through college. Alot of them get tired of it eventually and then want something serious. It all depends on the person and their experiences. Some mature quicker than others.

I met my ex in college when she was a junior. She fooled around enough and was not getting what she wanted so she finally wanted to settle down and take things slow. I was a dick and a little more deceptive than the others, but the fact is that there are people like that out there. They just don't have a neon sign above their head saying what they want or how mature they are. That's why as you get older, we go through more people and more dating because if you don't feel that connection off the bat or seemingly little things are enough to call it off, you just continue on. You want to get to know them but there isn't any time to waste.

[MVPlaya]

People say college changes people, and it does. But the stupid love games continue. Ive been rejected because i try to become friends with a girl, because im a year younger than a girl, and all sorts of other stuff. I thought those things change after high school, but i guess not huh?

Seriously, man? You really think if you do nothing to change eventually the world will just change into what you want?

No, it does not change after college. Those same college girls you see now are going to be your peer group when you graduate from college and they will not suddenly have had a life-changing experience that completely changes their views on men 180 degrees. Women will still be the same.

[OneQuestion]

You can be friends first and lovers later. The disaster is only when one or the other person doesn't have the hidden feelings too.

Agreed completley. I wrote this earlier elsewhere...

And you would have thought I would get stuck in the 'friend zone'... odd, ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FIRST. Odd that rule doesn't seem to apply to me... I guess it is about finding the right girl... a slut looking for just sex isn't going to want to be your friend for a while then have sex with you, as she will already be having sex with multiple other people WHILE you are her FRIEND. So that makes you stuck there.. If the girl isn't a slut, and isn't sleeping around, your friendship can turn into love... Isn't the person you marry supposed to be your best friend? I don't know why people think this should happen after you have had sex...

[uri]

Actually there is no guarantee that you'll ever get a girl if you don't put a little effort into it. You need to put some effort into it if you ever want to get beautiful women like being in good shape (men who are in good shape and have a good body are more attractive), smelling good, keeping a good hygiene, improving your communications skills and body language and having a stable job and enough money to be able to give her what she wants and to secure a long-term relationship.