Girlfriend no longer interested in sex. At my wit's end.

**cmacattack1** · 17-03-10, 08:21 AM

I only meant dishonest as in she is not being one hundred percent up front about things, just using excuses and disregarding what you say and ignoring any outside influence unless it is what she wants to hear. It's buying her time but where is it really going? She can't possibly be looking towards the future, or looking at it very optimistically.

Remember when you said she used to treat you like a king but it went out the window along the way. That's what being too comfortable is. She figures you aren't going anywhere, so she doesn't have to try. Love will conquer all, love will keep you groveling at her feet, etc. It doesn't and it won't and I learned that the hard way.

Sometimes you really need to shake things up and bring them out of their comfort zone. A break up and some time apart will do that. I hate that it would have to come to that but sometimes it's necessary. It was necessary for me, but by the time she did it, she was far too detached to give it a shot after. I also made things worse with the begging and whatever, but the lesson sticks. Don't let it get to that point where you completely resent her and blow up. Have confidence that you will do fine no matter who you are with because there are many guys that go through their life without providing their wives with the things you do.

**ftm** · 25-03-10, 02:53 AM

Originally Posted by doppelgaenger

You don't know how to stand your ground. I'll tell you what, if you did, this would have never been an issue, or you'd have just left her. Really, because you can't seem to stand your ground, you should break up with her and find someone who won't take advantage of your genie-like mentality. Get a fleshlight or something if it would help.

The only way to "stand my ground" more would verge on rape. You can't make someone have sex with you when they don't want to have sex, unless you do something illegal. think about what you are saying here. I AM standing my ground. She knows what the score is. If the summer passes with no positive developments then there are going to be problems and she knows this. Right now I am trying to save my relationship. That is my way of standing my ground.

Originally Posted by celebritydiscod

Added to which, it is quite natural, and normal, that the desire for it should fade as the relationship moves-on.

It's not normal for me, and it's not normal for two people who are 25 and 27. I am not interested in being with someone whose desire for me sexually is going to wane as time goes on. Maybe if we were 70 years old I could roll with this, but not now. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Originally Posted by cmacattack1

Remember when you said she used to treat you like a king but it went out the window along the way. That's what being too comfortable is. She figures you aren't going anywhere, so she doesn't have to try. Love will conquer all, love will keep you groveling at her feet, etc. It doesn't and it won't and I learned that the hard way. Sometimes you really need to shake things up and bring them out of their comfort zone. A break up and some time apart will do that. I hate that it would have to come to that but sometimes it's necessary. It was necessary for me, but by the time she did it, she was far too detached to give it a shot after. I also made things worse with the begging and whatever, but the lesson sticks. Don't let it get to that point where you completely resent her and blow up. Have confidence that you will do fine no matter who you are with because there are many guys that go through their life without providing their wives with the things you do.

I am not confident that if I leave she will turn things around. More likely I will be demonized. It's a risk I'll have to take, because I've put all I have into this and if therapy doesn't shake things up then I'll really have nothing left. I wish I were invincible, or some zen-like individual who could learn to accept what is given him, be thankful for what I have and ignore my other needs. But I am human. I am a ****ing human being and I need more, have been BEGGING for more for over a year. It's been 5 weeks since we last made love. It could easily be another 5 after this. I can't live like this.

--

We went on vacation and it was great. We weren't frequently in situations in which sex would have been prudent or convenient, so this issue didn't manifest and for a blissful week everything seemed fine. We laughed. We spent time with eachother's families. but now we are back in the fire. Just this morning I tried to initiate things and got the "I have a tummy ache" line and was eventually told to get out of bed and start my day. She apologized profusely. She said she knows I am unhappy and that she feels like it's all her fault. I did not deny that I am unhappy. She knows it. She doesn't seem to be able/willing to do anything about it, but at least she knows it.

I don't love her any less. How can I love a person this much and yet be thinking so much about making an escape? It makes no sense.

Our trip was back to my home state. I saw my friends. The gorgeous landscape. Even the smells were like old friends. And I missed it. I really missed it.

Why can't she see? What more can I do?

5 more weeks until May and counseling. 5 more weeks.

**starbuck** · 25-03-10, 03:37 AM

I don't think there is anything more you can do, ftm. You shouldn't have to settle for a sexless relationship.

Just hang in there and see what the counselling does. If it doesn't work, I would come back here and reread this thread. I doubt anyone here would blame you for getting out.

**lovelyladie** · 25-03-10, 05:02 AM

ftm so sorry you are going through this difficult time wishing you and your GF the best and everything works out.

**squestion** · 25-03-10, 08:27 PM

No, not in the way that I really am, but I am in a relationship right now and i am behaving just like your GF. It has been 2 years and 8 months since my relationship started. The first year was great, we had exciting sex ( or maybe I thought it was so because i was a virgin and everything new for me was the most exciting thing). I treated him as a king, i would buy him things even if he had a job and i wouldn`t buy 4 myself what i needed. I always thought of his needs, of how to please him ( sexually and not just sexually) and never how to please me. I considered him the perfect guy, even he warned me he is not that perfect, but he trated me so well, just like you treat your gf, he would do ANYTHING 4 me just to see me happy ( and still does ) that I couldn`t believe he is not perfect. But I was in my PINK time of the relationship when I thought that everything about him is marvelous, even his fart would have smelled like roses ( just to get my point of how perfect i saw him ), but now i am in a GRAY area, like most couples are after a year or 2.... when they start seeing each other`s flaws and start reproaching things they don`t like.

So... I lost my urge for sex about an year ago... when we became official to our parents ( i have to mention that I am 20 and he is 40, so because of this age gap we tried to keep our relationship a secret for a year and a half until I was a little older, so that my parents would accept our love, which they did from the first second i told them, and they were happy 4 me, they didn`t say anything about the age gap, they didn`t seemed bothered by it wich made me very happy ). And since then, Ive been sleeping at his place, but the problem is that he lives with his parents... I know that he has a certain age, but in my country people are poor, an apartment costs 40 000 dollars or euros and average people like my bf don`t gain more than 300 euros, so its very difficult. In time, i became very bothered and not only me, but him as well that we couldn`t have sex properly, we always had to be very quiet so his parents wouldn`t hear us. This thing went on for a years and it happens still today when i go at his place. This thing dropped my libido sooo much... but it wasn`t the only thing: he started growing gray hair, gaining weight, wrinkles etc and i don`t find him attractive anymore, if we have sex it`s just for his pleasure, but i don`t feel anything. And since i started spending time at his place, I discovered all his flaws: that he farts, burps sometimes he can be sweaty etc. We were on the point of breaking up because i was behaving very bad with him, I rejected him every time he tried to have sex, i would push his hands off my body. And now it`s hard 4 me even to kiss him because i don`t feel the need, i just feel disgusted.

My personal opinion about your girlfriend is :
- maybe she is not attracted to you anymore; i know you said you asked her that, but TRUST me, i am a girl, and girls don`t always say what`s on their mind, they lie often just so they don`t hurt their partner. She was attracted to you when you were at the beginning of the relationship, in the pink period, but now you are in a gray area, and maybe she started seeing your flaws now that you live together;
- I think that she is still with you because she`s comfortable. She is used with your presence, she knows you and even if she doesn`t want to make love to you anymore, she has gotten used with you and she likes to talk to you, just like best friends ( which is the same I feel about me and my bf, that I would rather be just friends with him, and not have to make love )

I don`t know what to tell you anymore because I haven`t made a decision abut me and my bf, I still can`t brake up with him, but I know deep in my heart that a breakup would be the best decision, but we have so many memories together... It`s up to you... but believe me, maybe not all girls are the same... but we tend to love you one day, and then the other day we are angry, we don`t want to cuddle etc, we change very quiqly. So I think that even if she tells you that she still loves you, she doesn`t. And I think that even she is confused about her feelings, she doesn`t know if she loves you anymore.... This is a critical period that most couples face after 2 or 3 years of relationship, when they have to figure out if they like their partners how they are and if they still love them. Sorry 4 writing so much, but i relate to your situation and i had to write.... I know you are going to deny everything that i`ve written, but i am a girl and i know how girls are, specially in these kind of situations.
One last question: what zodiac signs are you 2 ? I know its strage, but i am curious... it`s ok if you don`t want to tell me

**Incognito** · 25-03-10, 08:36 PM

Squestion, I think you should start a thread about your situation. I want to say something because what you are doing is wrong, but I don't want to get into a discussion about your situation in THIS thread, because this is about ftm and his situation.

**squestion** · 25-03-10, 09:00 PM

Originally Posted by Incognito

Squestion, I think you should start a thread about your situation. I want to say something because what you are doing is wrong, but I don't want to get into a discussion about your situation in THIS thread, because this is about ftm and his situation.

I don`t want to start a topic about my relationship, if you want to say something, please send me a private message

I can`t send you one because I am new and I have to have 15 posts to be able to send a PM. So... I`m waiting

**ftm** · 27-03-10, 01:18 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck

I don't think there is anything more you can do, ftm. You shouldn't have to settle for a sexless relationship.

Just hang in there and see what the counselling does. If it doesn't work, I would come back here and reread this thread. I doubt anyone here would blame you for getting out.

Yes, I plan to keep this as a record, along with a lot of private writing I have done on the matter. In past relationships when there were issues, I found I would constantly lose perspective because when there were good times I'd forget the bad, and when there were bad times I'd forget the good. Writing extensively about my relationship over the course of it has helped me to maintain perspective on all of it. If counseling doesn't turn out for the better, I'm going to need to revisit a number of things.

Originally Posted by lovelyladie

ftm so sorry you are going through this difficult time wishing you and your GF the best and everything works out.

Thanks. I hope so, too.

Originally Posted by the_doggoned

After reading your post I'm at a loss for words. I am literally in the same EXACT situation as you. To make it short and sweet, here it goes:

When we first started dating, we had sex all the time. It was magical and beautiful. As time went on it dwindled and dwindled to the point where we are now. A year into our relationship, we have sex once every 2 months, if I'm lucky (and I shouldn't have to be lucky to have sex with my girlfriend).

I tell her it hurts me and that sex in a relationship is important. I ask her why it has come to this, when in the beginning our sex life was so vibrant. Her response, "I don't know. I wish i knew."

I suggest relationship counseling that we can both attend and try to make things work. Her response is, "I'm not ready for that."

If I come on to her or if I bring up the subject of our sex life, she gets defensive and upset. She basically doesn't want me to bring it up because it hurts HER. Um, hmm. What about me?!

WOW. Yeah, it does sound like we are in the same boat. All I have to tell you is that you HAVE to prevent her from keeping this as YOUR issue. She needs to take responsibility. Earlier in the thread I described a "confrontation" with my girlfriend in which she agreed to go to counseling without any other conditions which was a huge win for me. Your girlfriend needs to accept that she needs to do something about this because it's important to YOU and not be ruled by her personal feelings. Relationships are about compromise.

DEMAND counseling, if that's what you want.

You are just a year into your relationship, right? How much do you have invested in this? Do you live together? You have an opportunity here to perhaps cut things off before you get in too deep. My girlfriend and I are a little farther along. We've started to build a life together. A good life that I don't want to give up. But lately all of the good has been darkly colored by how miserable I'vve been with the sexual aspect of the relationship.

Originally Posted by the_doggoned

Seriously, we are in the same boat. If you want to shoot the sh*t, email me: thedoggoned at gmail dot com. I know having someone in the same situation to talk to is always helpful.

That is a really tempting offer, but I'd really like to keep things as anonymous as possible when it comes to all of my interactions with this board and the people on it, for the time being at least. I'd love to "shoot the shit" through PM, though.

Originally Posted by squestion

No, not in the way that I really am, but I am in a relationship right now and i am behaving just like your GF. It has been 2 years and 8 months since my relationship started.

Thanks for joining the thread.

Originally Posted by squestion

My personal opinion about your girlfriend is :
- maybe she is not attracted to you anymore; i know you said you asked her that, but TRUST me, i am a girl, and girls don`t always say what`s on their mind, they lie often just so they don`t hurt their partner. She was attracted to you when you were at the beginning of the relationship, in the pink period, but now you are in a gray area, and maybe she started seeing your flaws now that you live together;

I don't know anymore. I realize attraction is different for women than it is for men. Just yesterday I explained to heer that for me, as a guy, if I am attracted to someone, the sexual aspect comes through naturally. Attraction and sex are one. She claims that is used to be that way for her, but that dating back to when we started having problems she doesn't feel sexual about ANYONE that she finds attractive. She says it's not just me. Says that she's become completely non-sexual. But that she's still attracted to me.

That being said, she no longer compliments me on my appearance like she used to, unless I say something to prompt her. Sometimes I wonder whether what's going on is that she just doesn't REALIZE she's not attracted to me anymore.

Originally Posted by squestion

- I think that she is still with you because she`s comfortable. She is used with your presence, she knows you and even if she doesn`t want to make love to you anymore, she has gotten used with you and she likes to talk to you, just like best friends ( which is the same I feel about me and my bf, that I would rather be just friends with him, and not have to make love )

Well, trust me, lately things in our relationship have been anything but "comfortable," but she still wants to stick with it.

Originally Posted by squestion

So I think that even if she tells you that she still loves you, she doesn`t. And I think that even she is confused about her feelings, she doesn`t know if she loves you anymore....

I'd be really surprised if this were the case. I have given her innumerable opportunities to express some desire other than me. I've even asked her if pursuing sex with someone other than me might light her spark again and she seemed disgusted with the idea -- every bit as turned off as she is by the idea of having sex with ME. For now, I am going to believe her when she says she feels non-sexual, and we are going to deal with things on that level.

Originally Posted by squestion

One last question: what zodiac signs are you 2 ? I know its strage, but i am curious... it`s ok if you don`t want to tell me

I'm sagittarius, she's virgo.

---------

We had another productive talk about our situation yesterday morning. She knows I am unhappy. I admits that she knows that if she were able to change then it's likely I would no longer be unhappy. I tried, for the umpteenth time, to get her to understand why even her at least making some PHYSICAL gesture to "try" would go a long way towards making me feel better about all this. IF she were to at least TRY to become sexual with me, I'd be happy at this point, even if she couldn't follow through with it.

She says to me: "Look, it's like if you ask someone to go to the bathroom when they don't have to go. You can't MAKE someone have to go to the bathroom."

I said: "Yes, but you can go and stand over the toilet, and sometimes you'll surprise yourself and actually have to go."

We had a huge laugh about this and she's agreed to "stand over the toilet." Meaning that ostensibly she's going to get into the bed with me at some point soon with the intention of making love, even if the idea doesn't seem immediately appealing to her, in the hopes that the mood will strike as she's going through the process of being affectionate with me. She still insists that the idea of being physical with me when she's not horny as hell makes her deeply uncomfortable on some kind of cosmic level, but I have assured her that I won't put pressure on her and will do whatever I can to make her at ease.

Honestly, however, I don't think that she's going to go through with this "trying" plan. But at least she's finally willing to discuss it.

I also got her to admit that her medication could somehow be to blame. Finally, for the first time, she's said she's willing to discuss other medication options with her therapist. Also, at my request, she made an appointment with an MD to talk about possible medical issues that could be contributing to this.

So, good things are happening. At least she's FINALLY willing to make some concessions on her end.

**Incognito** · 27-03-10, 01:44 AM

That's what happens when you don't just roll over. I hope things keep progressing in a positive manner.

**Gigabitch** · 27-03-10, 01:45 AM

Originally Posted by ftm

I'm sagittarius, she's virgo.

Well, that explains it.

**Saffron** · 27-03-10, 06:29 AM

OK, i haven't read all the posts on here - just the first few and the last few, but from what i can gather, and i don't mean to try and tie it all up in a neat bow for you, but - get out of there.

You have done everything that can be expected of you, and then some - what do you think will happen? that somehow this messy and painful period will get a nice neat line drawn under it and you will both move on and have a happy and fulfilling sex life and relationship? Without sounding harsh - i doubt it. Its gone on too long, too much has been said, you will NEVER forget the feeling of only getting 'what's left' she will always harbour resentment, for whatever reason's she thinks she has to the right too.

you say the thing that makes it so hard to leave is that you're so close and you get on so well - well that doesn't really see to be the case anymore..when was the last time you made each other laugh till you cry? when was the last time you had a proper conversation that you enjoyed - without there being tension or it winding up back at the original argument?

yes there is therapy but do you really think that she is actually going to turn round and go 'yeah you know what you're right, ive got issues, lets make sex a regular thing...' when she wont even allow you to touch her or speak to her in a reassuring way?

cut your losses, it wont be easy, it will hurt,there will be points when you are convinced you should have stayed but ask yourself what have you got to stay for? no respect, no sex and constant guilt tripping?

i think you should leave and focus on finding someone who appreciates you and the things you have to offer.

**ftm** · 29-03-10, 02:38 PM