Girlfriend no longer interested in sex. At my wit's end.

[ftm]

Hi all.

This is my first post. I hope to contribute to your community as time goes on, but for now I am hoping for some advice with a problem that has developed the life I share with my girlfriend. I apologize if this runs long. Please stay with me.

I am a 27 year old male in a loving relationship with a gorgeous woman. We've been together for nearly 2 years, we live together, and continually have conversations about wanting a long future together. When we met I was literally swept off my feet; it was the most dumbstruck I had ever been by love, and I'm pretty sure it was the same for her.

In the beginning our relationship was the most sexually functional I have ever been in. When we first met, she warned me that she had an extremely active libido and wondered if I'd be able to keep up. I was intimidated by this as she recounted stories of having to prod past boyfriends into having sex with the regularity she wanted. I later found my worries to by without justification, as we were perfect matches sexually.We communicated openly about what we needed, had great sex very frequently and were ridiculously happy about it. On average we made love about 7 or more times a week for the first 2 months. (She now disputes this figure, but I guarantee you it was the case.) Obviously, I had no expectations of things lasting with that frequency. After a time, things dropped off to about 4 times a week and this was a comfortable amount for both of us.

Some things happened in our life. I had an illness and we both lost our jobs and for a while things were really tough. Her sex drive dropped dramatically, and we went down to one to two times a week. Maybe once every 5 days, but only if I suggested it frequently. At the time, she was aware of the abnormality of it and was sensitive to the fact that my needs were not being fulfilled. This was around the end of 2008.

Valentines Day 2009 is when I realized there was a serious problem. We hadn't made love for about 2 weeks prior to that, but I knew that going out for a delicious meal and gifting nice flowers and chocolates would certainly put her in the mood. We spoke excitedly about our evening together all week. When the time finally came, we had a great meal and a great time. When we got home, I tried to move things in an amorous direction and she seemed completely disinterested, as though it hadn't even occurred to her that I might want to make love to her. We went to bed relatively early that night. I lay awake contemplating where I was going wrong.

She found a job, and the thought on both of our parts was that her sex drive would increase since she wouldn't be worried about money as much. But things just kept getting worse. For the past year we've made love an average of 1-3 times per month generally, although there have been a couple of FIVE WEEK gaps. Nowadays, if it happens once every 2 weeks I consider myself amazingly lucky.

She has assured me that she still finds me attractive and is still in love with me. For my part, I do a tremendous amount for herin the way of emotional support and so on. When she needs something, I am there, always. She's a must graduate student now. I make her dinner. I bring her dinner when she's going to be somewhere late. She has anxiety sometimes at night, so I read to her to help her fall asleep. (We've gone through 4 books this way now, going on 5.) I do the dishes after we cook because she doesn't like to do them. I do the laundry because she doesn't have the time. (I work nights and have the days to myself.) I help her study for quizzes and tests. I rub her feet when they hurt. Generally, I treat her like a queen. She knows it, and thanks me verbally. She has told me that I'm more emotionally available and supportive than she ever could have hoped for.

I cannot initiate sex. It used to be that I could try and she would say no and we might talk a bit about it and then that would be the end of it. Now if I try to initiate she gets defensive and intimates that I am being pushy or not giving her space. (Even though many nights I hardly touch her and only broach the sex topic once a month at most.) She has even accused me to being "obsessed" or "fixated" on sex, and suggested I seek help. (Which I may do anyway, since this whole issue is causing me a heap of dismay.) If I start becoming amorous with her, she often announces she feels ill, tired, achy, or otherwise uncomfortable. She has informed me that I must never initiate sex and simply have to wait for her to be ready. For the past 4 months or so (with the exception of one or maybe two times) she has only been in the mood after 2 or 3 drinks. It is, in fact, the ONLY thing that puts her in the mood. This now means that if I want to make love to her I have to ply her with booze, which makes me feel... awful. But lately even booze isn't doing anything for her.

She has stopped asking me how I am feeling about it. She stopped months ago. It seems like she thinks of all of this as *my* problem now. "Sex slows down," she'll say. "It's normal." But the fact of the matter is that I cannot initiate sex with her anymore. It's a solid fact that a great proportion of the time I KNOW that there's not a thing in the world I could do to make her interested in having sex. That is not normal.

The key issue here is that it's an emotional need for me to be able to show physical affection for the person I love, and I'd love to receive affection back. I feel emotionally neglected. I've mentioned this to her, and she's seemed sad about it but then neither asks if there's something she can do, nor attempts to do anything to alleviate my issue. If our roles were reversed, I'd be doing everything in my power to make sure SHE was at least okay while I proceeded to work my own issues out.

I am not bad in bed. Because of my aforementioned illness I don't quite have the sexual stamina than I had before I got sick, but I think I'm still pretty darned good. She comes. I know she doesn't fake it. I make love to her better than anyone else I've been with in the past, and none of THEM lost interest in me, so I figure it can't be me. And she's assured me it's not me, so many times now that she's ordered me to stop asking.

I am dying inside. I've started fantasizing about other women (something I *never* did back when we were more active sexually.) I've started fantasizing about actual women in my life. Women I work with. I, a *staunch* monogamist, often fantasize about looking outside of my relationship for sex. It kills me.

We don't talk about it anymore. It's an unspoken rule that it's not to be brought up. I know if I bring it up I'll just hear about how busy and tired she is, and then I'll feel guilty. But what about my comfort and my needs?

I don't think I am being unreasonable in the least.

I'd love some feedback on this. I've hardly talked about this with anyone in my actual life because it's actually a bit embarrassing.

Thanks for reading along. I realize this was incredibly long.

[OneQuestion]

Jeez. I don't even know what to say back to this one. All the things I would have suggested, you basically already tried. Just talking to her and letting her know how you feel.. but you did that...

But yeah... Just wanted to say I read the whole thing, and I am sorry for you. Sadly I don't really have any advice, hopefully someone else will be more helpful.

[girl68]

Time for her to see a therpist with you.

[Im in peices.]

Although not entirely the same there are similarities between me and my ex with this stroy.

When we first got together it sounds very much the same as you and continued so for the next year and a half. We decided to move abroad and give things ago there, so we both gave up full time jobs in the UK and off we went. Things were great to start with and then the sex life dwindled down. I was there, the same as you, for her every need and paid her the most attention anyone in the world could ask for. Then our sex life just stopped. After talking about it I she told me that she still loves me and that I was the one but she didnt really fancy me as much as she use to and that it now isnt as exciting as it was in the beginning.

I was gutted but put this down to, neither of us working both living in a foregin country with no friends so we basically lived in each others pockets for 6 months. When we finally came back, things became a lot better, we gave each other more space and thiings seemed to be going weel. Then she hit me with I think we should take a break. From a break is now over and she is sleeping with someone else. I still love her and I still want her, think about her every day.

My personal advise would be if you love her and she is the one, dont let things go down the same route as mine. Fight for what you want and if it was meant to be you will work things out and get thorough this.

Also maybe try something more exciting, take her away for the weekend/night to a romantic getway. Do things that you have never done before. If you had sex that constantly in beginning then I imagine that it is not the sex that is the problem, try to make her reminisce and think back to how great it use to be. Because once you get into a rut or routine it becomes extremely difficult to get out of.

Hope I have been some help

[ftm]

@OneQuestion: Thanks for your support. *I* feel like I've tried everything, too!

@girl68: I agree. I suggested that to her. Her response was suspicion that I was just looking to put her in a situation where someone professional can tell her she's in the wrong and that I'm right. Then she suggested that I see a therapist by myself for my own issues. I plan to do the latter, followed by seeking out a joint session with someone and then inviting her to join me.

@Im in pieces: Thank you. Thank you thank you. I do plan to fight for what I want. Except for the sex issue (and a few minor things that come along with every relationship) we are incredibly happy and this is absolutely the person I want to spend my life with. But I can't spend my life with her if that liffe is going to be like this. This is becoming a dealbreaker for me. It brings tears to my eyes just to witness myself typing those words.

I can fight for what I want, but I don't have a way of changing her. She has to change herself, and she really hasn't made efforts that have been visible to me to do that. (Thought she insists that she thinks about it all the time and is "working through it.") If she isn't willing to change then there's nothing I can do.

She says this has never happened with any of her other partners, which of course makes me feel really great about myself. Maybe I am too loving? A lot of guys have treated her like crap. Maybe that's it.

[ftm]

Also maybe try something more exciting, take her away for the weekend/night to a romantic getway. Do things that you have never done before. If you had sex that constantly in beginning then I imagine that it is not the sex that is the problem, try to make her reminisce and think back to how great it use to be. Because once you get into a rut or routine it becomes extremely difficult to get out of.

Hope I have been some help

Forgot to reply to this last part of your post, so I thought I should address it.

Dude, I have put so much into this already. I give and give and give. I am not going to take her on a romantic getaway when I know it's not going to change things for the long term. So maybe we'll sleep together while we're away. MAYBE. So what? It'll go back to the way it was before after a few days. I'm not being fatalistic. There's a deeper problem here, something endemic to the situation that I can't pin down and don't understand.

I can buy chocolates or flowers or write a poem or a nice card, it steers the boat for a time but doesn't change the way the wind's blowing. You get it?

I have tried reminiscing about how things used to be, and sometimes it works. One night we were lying there and I started talking about making love in the early days and what it was like, and what I did and what she was doing and the sounds we made and what it felt like to be aroused. We proceeded to make love sweetly and memorably and it was great. But, to be honest with you, now when I reminisce she usually suggests that I am exaggerating what happened, or that I am exaggerating the nature of our difficulties today. At this point, since she doesn't want me to initiate things, even bringing up past encounters is a danger zone likely to lead us down a bad road. I am so emotional over this and desperate for change that I have to admit I do get kind of intense sometimes, and occasionally it turns into a fight. I say all the same things I've always said, and she says all the same things she's always said.

What could be causing this? Where did we go wrong?

[OneQuestion]

From everything you have written, I think you should leave and find someone new.

[girl68]

@girl68: I agree. I suggested that to her. Her response was suspicion that I was just looking to put her in a situation where someone professional can tell her she's in the wrong and that I'm right. Then she suggested that I see a therapist by myself for my own issues. I plan to do the latter, followed by seeking out a joint session with someone and then inviting her to join me.

You tell her that is NOT what therapy is about. They do not wish to tell clients that they are "wrong" and the other is "right". The idea is to work together to come to a solution that works for the BOTH of you and not just you (or her for that matter). I suggest you bring it up again and fight for it. She is avoiding theapy for reasons that are incorrect. Tell her that you *do* plan to talk to a terapist on your own but mention that you are not the only one in the relationship and that this problem is not hers, nor yours it is the BOTH of yours.

[Gigabitch]

It seems like she thinks of all of this as *my* problem now. "Sex slows down," she'll say. "It's normal."

It doesn't come to a grinding halt. You haven't even been together two years. This is not normal.

I feel emotionally neglected.

I agree. I think she should be ashamed of herself.

We don't talk about it anymore. It's an unspoken rule that it's not to be brought up.

Oh, hell no. I think that unspoken rule needs to be changed. It's like one of you has grown an extra arm and no one is supposed to say anything.

@girl68: I agree. I suggested that to her. Her response was suspicion that I was just looking to put her in a situation where someone professional can tell her she's in the wrong and that I'm right. Then she suggested that I see a therapist by myself for my own issues. I plan to do the latter, followed by seeking out a joint session with someone and then inviting her to join me.

She can pick the therapist, then, and try to find someone who will be "on her side". Good luck to her.

From everything you have written, I think you should leave and find someone new.

I'm afraid I concur. Life is too short to spend it with someone who won't get down with you. You're not married and you don't have any kids, so you really are free to just go. If she seemed concerned in the least about this and was trying to fix it, that would be one thing, but it seems to me she has no intention of doing that.

[ftm]

It doesn't come to a grinding halt. You haven't even been together two years. This is not normal.

I agree. I completely agree. And I can't even tell you how good it feels to have someone see my side of that disagreement.

I think she should be ashamed of herself.

Well, to be fair, I think she is ashamed. She pushes it out of her mind when I'm not talking about it. In fact, she says that the strange thing is that she's stopped thinking of sex altogether and the thought of having sex doesn't even occur to her, and that she can go many days or weeks without even thinking of it once. When I bring up my unhappiness, she does get deeply ashamed. I think the shame is the source of this defensiveness and "pushing back" that's been occurring. I just wish that she could see some of the pain and frustration that I've been going through along with her own discomfort over dealing with the issue...

(It still boggles my mind to contemplate her lack of drive. You have NO idea what things were like with us when we first met, not to mention her somewhat tittilatingly salacious sexual history (at least when compared to mine). This is a woman who enjoys sex and is in touch with her body. No sexual abuse, no weird religious issues. And she's not a lesbian.)

She can pick the therapist, then, and try to find someone who will be "on her side". Good luck to her.

Ha. I love your confidence. Frankly, I am not interested in a therapist taking anyone's side. I just want this issue to be discussed in a mediated environment so that we can maybe discuss this with open hearts.

From everything you have written, I think you should leave and find someone new.

I'm afraid I concur. Life is too short to spend it with someone who won't get down with you. You're not married and you don't have any kids, so you really are free to just go. If she seemed concerned in the least about this and was trying to fix it, that would be one thing, but it seems to me she has no intention of doing that.

There's so much more to us than what I've been able to get across in this thread. I mean, yes, I've gone through a lot of pain over this particular issue, more than I've bothered to communicate here, but ASIDE from this (if it can be set aside at all at this point -- something which I occasionally doubt) we are really good together. Amazing together pretty much most of the time. Strangers notice it. Sometimes we make each other laugh until we are hurting and have tears streaming down our faces. She's one of my best friends. We share everything, and it's a priceless connection. I LOVE her to pieces, which is what makes this so hard.

So, you see, it's not just as easy as up and leaving. That's not what I want. I'm not willing to settle for that if I have other options. Frankly, although I can imagine life without her, I have a hard time imagining it being happy. No. I want to fight for this. But I *need* changes, and that's what scares me. Eventually, we are going to have to come up to a point of no return at which things either change or they don't. It can't go on like this indefinitely.

You tell her that is NOT what therapy is about. They do not wish to tell clients that they are "wrong" and the other is "right". The idea is to work together to come to a solution that works for the BOTH of you and not just you (or her for that matter). I suggest you bring it up again and fight for it. She is avoiding theapy for reasons that are incorrect. Tell her that you *do* plan to talk to a terapist on your own but mention that you are not the only one in the relationship and that this problem is not hers, nor yours it is the BOTH of yours.

Thanks for this, girl68. I plan to do this.

----

Really, all of you have been wonderful. I cased this forum out thoroughly before posting and saw what seemed to be a community of intelligent and articulate people. What I wanted to avoid was going to a place where I would be heckled. I am thankful for my decision to post. I am a perfect stranger to you, yet you have responded to me with thoughtfulness, warmth and blunt honesty. Thanks.

[therealjag]

Hey man,

I've seen this kind of situation before. I think the problem is that you arent doing or acting in the way you were when you first met her and that has made her loose her attraction in a way towards you. I'm sure when you were making love 7 times a week that you weren't doing everything for her and you werent hounding her hand on foot because thats not what a real man does.

You should pull away and show her you are your own man...that way she will see that you're not worth loosing. Basicaly just be the same guy you were when you first met, not the one that you've changed into. Women have a very clever way of making a player become a family man and stupidly in the process it ends up making them feel less attraction towards you!

Wierd I know but it happens so many times and I'm sure will continue to do so.

[girl68]

Goodluck, don't worry I'm also in the theapy boat.

[Incognito]

Generally speaking I read all of the posts in a certain thread before posting so that I can keep the flow of the conversation going, but I just couldn't make myself do it this time. Giga, girl68 and a few others probably KNEW that I'd have to dive into this one head first.

Anyway, I AM where you are right now, with the exception that my wife won't flat out refuse. She just lets me have my way with her, which makes me feel like a rapist. I haven't had sex since December, so your case really caught my attention. As I see it she is simply using you at this point. There are many reasons why she may have lost her sex drive, but the fact that she ignores the pain it causes you should be an indicator of how much she really cares for you. I don't dare to assume anything about you girlfriend because i don't know her. However, don't discount the possibility that she could be having an affair.

I also think that you have unfortunately made it easy for her to use you by waiting on her hand and foot, and reading to her and such. You have made youself into a butler of sorts, only she doesn't have to pay you. You are not her daddy, or maid, or cook. It is great to share responsibilities......SHARE being the operative word here. Also, all of those things you do are fine individually, but all together they are not. I say that because eventually you WILL STOP doing most of those things, even if your relationship was fine. We men tend to go overboard a bit when we are totally enamored with the woman in our life. We do all kinds of things in the beginning that we know full well we won't be doing years later. Stopping things is often thought of as a loss of love by our special women even though it is usually not the case. In short, don't do anything that you can't (or won't) continue doing long into the future.

My advice is much as the advice I was given. To seek counseling, and suggest that she goes too. If she refuses, or won't change, or won't admit to having a problem then dump her sorry ass. I'm sorry, but this will ruin you relationship and will eventually ruin the person who you are. I'm already there and it is.....different. I'm not the man I was when I got married, nor will I ever be again. At least you're not married. Give her one last chance and then kick her to the curb.

.......There.......I feel better now.

[Incognito]

Ok ftm, I went back and read all of the posts. You say that you want to stay in the relationship, that you are great together, you are best friends, and so on. I'll tell you the same thing I told my wife, "The only difference between good friends and girlfriends/wives is sex". So either you can be in a sexless relationship, or you can be great friends with someone without having sex (which is pretty much where you are anyway). She is resistant to counseling, is indifferent about how much this hurts you, tells you not to bring it up so SHE doesn't feel bad.........I mean really? Really? You still want to stay where you are? In the position that you're in? You seem like a good guy. Most guys don't do half of what you do and get ass all day long. Some guys beat their girlfriends/wives and STILL they get laid on a regular basis (no I am not advocating abuse in any way, shape, or form). It takes two to make a relationship work. It also is up to the offending person to change their ways (of their own accord). No therapist or parent or friend can MAKE anyone change. Change only happens when someone thinks THEY need to change AND they want to/ try to. I'm am telling you, no scratch that, I am begging you to not be so closeminded about your devotion to her that you ignore what this is doing to you and what it will do to you down the road. Like I said there is only one difference between a friendship and a physical relationship (the physical part). Putting up with this will eventually cause the relationship to fail, but it will also change how much effort you are willing to put forth in the next relationship (whether you choose to believe that or not).

[vashti]

Is she taking any medications? Antidepressants or birth control pills?