I don't feel like I can keep this up...

[soulsurvivor23]

For almost a month (but what feels like years and years) i've been following a hardcore NC approach. I haven't once contacted her since February. And not only that i've kept myself distracted. Books, going out, working out at the gym, making new friends, developing new hobbies, writing on here, etc etc... For a small stretch of time ( like maybe 3-4 days out of the whole time I haven't contacted her) I felt really good about things. I felt like i'm doing the right thing for me and it's gonna be better.. Now that good feeling is gone and I just feel emotionally drained. My thoughts are consumed by her every moment i'm awake, and even in my dreams. I've literally had several dreams about her since then. I miss her terribly and as everyone else with the same kind of problem has said for theirs, she was my best friend for a year and a half and I lost that.. Now I just feel an emptiness, sadness, loneliness that doesn't seem like it will ever be replaced.

[kai]

I think it's time you start meeting other women.

[cmacattack1]

You may not have noticed it but you have made some serious progress. You are no stranger to these forums either and you have read many other stories and all the results that happened from them. You know what you are doing is the right thing. You know why you are doing this. It has been the most difficult thing in the world for me to hold to NC. There have been so many times where I wanted to call, wanted to text, wanted to see if she wanted to get a cup of coffee and everything. How many more reminders do I (and you) need to hammer in the fact that she isn't there anymore and will never be there for you the way that you want?

To see her again just to fill your void and temporarily make you feel better is going to destroy all your progress. I spent the first month and a half being dumped doing everything I thought was possible to show her I changed, to have her back in my life, to get what I (<----notice the emphasis) wanted. I know you have every right to be selfish considering how you were treated and cast aside. Remember how you were treated and cast aside and think to yourself "this is what I want from a girlfriend/best friend?" Not only would an interruption possibly cause hurt to her feelings, but it would also stunt her growth as a person. Why change when another guy will line up to fill this guy's current place?

This is undoubtedly the hardest thing that we both have had to do in our entire lives. In comparison to this, I feel like any problem I have came across in my life is nothing. It's because every other problem there was something I can do. In this, there isn't. I hit rough patches STILL and I'm on 5 months no contact. I STILL dream about her. I still torture myself on occasion looking at her facebook and seeing posts from him, talking about how awesome he is, etc. etc. It feels like a month because you are just waiting. Waiting for the opportunity to present itself. And although you think that the more you wait, the more prepared you are, you really won't be as the emotions will always be swimming along with you.

You know that nobody can make you feel better besides her. And she won't help. You have to do all you can to push through it. I'm starting to wonder if posting on here all the time is just helping to keep her in my mind. You have to do whatever it is in your power to help you through this. Friends can help but they can only provide so much support. You have to be able to pull yourself out of this.

Even if she were to break up with her boyfriend and come to you the very next second, you guys would not work out. Why? Because she would not be ready for it. She would not have had the proper time on her own to figure things out and learn from the mistakes she made, especially when she has you to come to and comfort her. No matter how much you prepare, sacrifice and suffer to be the best you can possibly be, it would never work out because it takes two.

Not that the above scenario is going to happen. You have to keep thinking logically here. It's the only thing that is going to get you to where you want to be. You did everything you thought was possible at the time. You did make mistakes but you did not know better. You have to be happy with yourself, so you can be happy with another.

[soulsurvivor23]

Thanks for the response. The bad part for me is that i'm a real analytical person. I think, double think, and triple think about every situation that I go through, good or bad. In this case when I cut things off, I didn't really get to say any of the things I want to say. I just basically let out an angry "i'm not wasting anymore time on you, stay out of my life" and that wasn't satisfying to me at all. In fact, I felt and still feel bad about it. What I am considering right now, but I want some advice on, is that I want to write out an e-mail to her. And I know what you guys are thinking, heard it before. But I don't want to write an e-mail asking for her back. As hard as it is to believe, I don't really want her back. I want to write her an e-mail that explains exactly how i've felt over the past year and a half, how she made me feel, and to let her know that I hope she's happy (sincerely) but that I know i'm gonna find my happiness too someday with someone who's there for me and only me 200%.

[kai]

It doesn't matter what you are writing in that email, just don't write it. It's a bad idea.

[mel2208]

i dont think you should email her either.. it will only make it worse. It is difficult when you have split up with..it takes time to heal..get out there and meet new female friends.

[cmacattack1]

I third that notion. Maybe you will feel better temporarily but you will be double and triple analyzing her response. If you get one. If you don't you will be wondering what the hell happened?

Anything you have to say should be said in person so that it can't be construed or interpreted another way. Plus it has much more meaning and more cajones in your sack. I don't think you are ready for that are you?