Past Partners, Current Woes

[Kaius]

I am 35 years old, divorced with 2 kids. My girlfriend is 38, divorced with 2 kids.
We have known each other for 5 months, dating for 3.5 months.
She and I are very different...she is very non-traditional white woman, and I am very conservative asian man.
We are perfectly compatible in every way imaginable, but topics come up occasionally that we have to address.

Topic: Past sexual partners. She doesn't care at all how many women I have slept with. I, for some reason, care about her sexual history. i don't know if it's because I am old fashioned, or the fact that I have never slept with a non-virgin woman before. We both married at a very young age. I never openly asked her about her history. She knew that I wanted to know, but she refused to tell me because it's "tacky". She says 99% of the women would probably lie to make their man feel better (male ego thing), but she will not lie, so it's better that she says nothing.

So last night the topic came up, and there was tension. I knew about her engaged boyfriend at age 21, and her ex-husband. She told me she lost virginity at age 16....so there were 3. I never pressed her, but she revealed that her first was with a man 10 years older, and my stomach just flipped. Then she told me that at age 18, she had a boyfriend who cheated on her. So she revealed 4 total, and told me that I shouldn't concern myself with the numbers because she was never promiscuous, and I knew from the start that she wasn't. I apologized, and then I made love to her. But after she left, I kept driving myself crazy wondering the actual number. She mentioned very early on, before we started dating, that it was "single-digit" and very unusual for a girl who hung out with rock bands and party-people.

This morning, my cell phone battery died, so we missed our daily morning chat. She left me a voicemail, telling me that she was worried about my crazy mind, and that she would tell me her sexual history if I really wanted to know. Then she said, "well, you know about all of them...so you have your answer." I felt relieved, but then I started feeling guilty for forcing that info out of her. I mean, I had twice that number of women before I got married, so I am such a hypocrite. i feel like an ass. I called her when I got to work.....and I apologized to her. She told me that I shouldn't have worried, as I knew all along that she wasn't like those women in Sex and The City. She also said that if she were any other woman, she would have been pissed about my actions. I guess she's right. I feel awful now. I'm such a prick...

I don't know why my partner's past, 20 years ago, even matters to me. I think deep down inside I am uncomfortable with the idea that other men have touched her. Even though she has repeatedly told me that I am by far the best lover she has ever had.... and no man has ever made her climax in such a way. She is so good to me, and I don't know what I have done to deserve such an amazing woman. I feel I gotta straighten up my act so she doesn't get tired of my crazy mind. I feel like i'm immature, and she is baby-sitting me.

Question to the audience: Does your mate's sexual past matter? What is the number that you expect to be reasonable?

[Doc Durian]

I don't care as long as she's faithful, affectionate, adventurish, and STD free.

I never ask and I state that I don't need to know.

Some of my past gf's however have extremely curious about my past to the point of exploding if something comes up where they gain new insight to my dating and married past.

I've learnt my lesson though. One whiff of jealousy about my past and I kick her to the curb without a second thought.

[Kaius]

But i dont think I'm the jealous type....or maybe I am? I dont know why the past bothers me so much.

[Doc Durian]

Maybe you feel like you could be inadequate in her eyes compared to others she has known.

I will tell you something though. When a woman harps on about my past and lets it fester in her mind to the point of becoming aggressive or passive-aggressive despite me never freely offering up info when queried... they become inadequate in my eyes... realllll quick.

Jealousy is such a horrid beast, particularly because there is usually no reason for it to begin with.

She's with you, you're with her. You're both happy.

I'd say that's a win/win situation.

[MVPlaya]

I don't know why my partner's past, 20 years ago, even matters to me. I think deep down inside I am uncomfortable with the idea that other men have touched her. Even though she has repeatedly told me that I am by far the best lover she has ever had.... and no man has ever made her climax in such a way. She is so good to me, and I don't know what I have done to deserve such an amazing woman. I feel I gotta straighten up my act so she doesn't get tired of my crazy mind. I feel like i'm immature, and she is baby-sitting me.

If you don't get over this, you are going to ruin your relationship, constantly feel inadequate or inconfident, and have difficulty trusting her.

Question to the audience: Does your mate's sexual past matter? What is the number that you expect to be reasonable?

Of course it matters, but its not a numbers game. If a girl was the resident slut / groupie, then no, I would never want to marry her. But if a girl's past is clean, the fact that she's had other men beside me is her prerogative. Your girlfriend is STD-free, faithful, and believe it or not, over the course of 38 years, a woman is going to **** some men, so there is nothing at all unusual about it.

[vashti]

I don't know why my partner's past, 20 years ago, even matters to me. I think deep down inside I am uncomfortable with the idea that other men have touched her.

Buddy, you are 35 years old. Your days of pining away for a virgin should be long gone.

[Gigabitch]

Single digits at 38 years old? Kaius, by modern standards, she's practically a nun. You need to simmah down about this.

[Kaius]

I totally agree with you guys. I just never had to think about this in the past, so it's all new to me. I don't expect a virgin this day and age....especially after a long marriage.
What is wrong with me???! I feel so bad for even thinking this.... She has been the most perfect woman to me.....she tries to comfort me when I'm being a prick.
I need to chill I know.

[Gigabitch]

You're not being a prick. Quite the opposite- you're being a pussy. It's okay- it happens to everyone from time to time. Just don't let it take over. This will pass.