Help. WHat should i do :(

[utzelf]

So he picked me up from school today and gave me my things. Orginally we were going to have tea but it's Like 87 degrees so I changed my mind

So we start walking and he started bitching about how broke he is and how he feels shitty about having unlimited text and calls (he recently got his first cell... Ew lol) but only four people in his phonebook (me his mom his dad and his brother) how he didn't text me before he got there becuase the phone battery died (more bitching about the phone) He walked me to the train station and he just kept talking about himself and how he wants to play handball with his shirt off so he can get a litte summer "burn" Duringg the whole "crappy walking me to the train station date" I just ignored his nagging and said "whatever works" about his shirt off comment. And basically just told him about kitten. I couldn't get to many words in because he just kept talking about how his phone sucks and how his spring break sucked he just wouldn't stop talking.

I got my things back I have no other reason to contact him and I won't.
But now I feel confused....I know I could do so much better but at the same time I feel like ... I can't describe it I just want to cry. I suddenly don't feel the need to chase him I feel okay with him or without him (thanks self help book).

I can't help having this "side feeling" that if I follow all the rules of putting myself first always, continue being the awsome person that I am ,letting him chase because guys like to chase (I've forgot this fact) , not letting him be my first priority, being a bitch not letting him have me easily etc might not bring him back to me and it will be all my fault becuase Im choosing to not go after him. (even though I know it's not my job now I can't help feeling like I need to) I feel like a dead end.

[asdfg789]

You were doing well there for the 1st 3 paragraphs and then whoa, just started back-sliding there on the last one

The point is you are going to be happy. If he wants to come along, let him work at it. If not, you are still happy.

He really sounds like a kid, fussing over his 1st cell phone. Do you really need someone like that ?

Or are you better off just enjoying your single days until someone worthwhile comes along ?

[utzelf]

I can't believe it's been a month. I thought by now I would have him back. I guess I'm being irrational since I saw him 9 days ago when he gave me my things. It really feels like it's been forever. I have been getting alot of things done such as getting my permit fixing my college work. I feel a little less depressed.

Even though it's been a month I feel like I'm not ready to confront him. I feel selfish and confused. I can't push myself to confront him even though I want too. I just don't know what to do. I really expected us to be back by now :/ but I feel lost and deffinitly not ready yet scared.

[cmacattack1]

Throw your expectations out the window. Breaking up and sitting around waiting and expecting a get back together is just setting you up for dissapointment. And if you guys were back together, you were setting yourself up for more dissapointment because he is going to hurt you again when you figure it out he hasn't changed a bit. Maybe he felt awkward like he had to talk about himself just to keep the convo going. Sounds kind of lame to me though. Hard to believe you fell in love with somebody out to get some "summer burn"! Brah!

[utzelf]

I don't feel broken hearted anymore. I havn't cried or felt "pulled down" from this anymore. Yet I still can't put down the "how to get your ex back, what men want self help etc" books. I guess I feel like finishing them because I already started perhaps (I did learn alotttt from them so far). Anyhow this "feeling" I can't really put my finger on it. It's like I don't expect anything..... It's like a giant pause. A little bit confused because I don't know what this feeling is (but I don't think confusion is part of the feeling). It's like a giant paused burst of relief spoiled by fear ..... I don't know what this unknown feeling is but it's deffinitly a whole level past the "broken heart" phase. And I don't feel "needy" anymore.


EDIT: It finally makes sense. It toke me 33 days I feel ashamed to admit it though I don't know why it feels embarrassing but

I think the feeling is:

I have learned and moved on. It feels wonderful. I feel like I have power again. I don't cry anymore, I don't care as much. I have discovered my self worth. I have rediscovered myself. I am accepting the fact that someone else will come along for me. Who knows he himself might come back along, but I will be HARD to work with because I have learned A LOT. I respect myself and have given myself the rediscovered happiness I have always had.... without him! I am positive that he will regret, taking me for granted (sadly i allowed myself to be but that's still only my HALF)

Anyone out there feeling like its end the world... it isn't. Give yourself a month or two. Message me for partially inexperienced advice if you wish. Read my thread. This is how the whole process was for me. Maybe it's similar to most cases since a lot of post have predicted/advised that I should move on. I have realized The "heart break" mountain/roller coaster whatever (as i called it) IS NOT the hardest mountain to climb in life. When you get over this mountain the power you will feel is so AMAZING. Letting yourself move on is a VERY REWARDING EXPERIENCE.

Not only is it the BEST slap in the face for your EX but it is a source of happiness for yourself. Yes it takes time. But for any further situation (even getting your ex back) MOVING ON needs to come FIRST. You need this positive feeling to admire and attract things in life. (including the ex, but its best to let him rot a little)

I will post any further updates but for now. With him or without him I am HAPPY. Wont need him, don't need him. It is such a relief. Any move he might make in the future (an inner feeling tells me he will) will be given the COLD shoulder. I am FINALLY in control of myself and my EMOTIONS. NOT HIM.

Anyhow the suns out. It looks bright pretty and inviting! I am going to shop, have fun and continue enjoying my rediscovered love for books! 33 days was too much time. I wish i felt this way day 1!

I'm only going to be 18 for 70 more days! (omg *tear*) I'm going to make the most of them.

[cmacattack1]

Good that you are feeling better about yourself! This is what being on your own is all about. Rediscovering your self worth and building upon that and replacing that broken feeling with a sense of self satisfaction and your own generated happiness. Somebody else will come along, somewhere down the road, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Whenever you are ready. This was an important learning experience and as much of a shitty feeling as it was going through it, you are older, wiser, and more mature than when you went in. This is growing up.

[utzelf]

Thank you everyone. ♥

[Ace12]

You are 18 years old. You still have your life ahead of you. Look forward to that. I wish I was your age again. Life and love is very strange. My story is similar to yours but I am 42 and she is 32, ten years apart. When we give to much of our selves we are not Appreciated. We blame ourselves and it is our fault but that is the wrong answer. Your boyfriend should be grateful for you but he is young and blind. Keep moving on with your life as hard as it is you will find anohter. In my case my I am not getting any younger. Keep moving forward.

[utzelf]

I don't know what just happened. I was in the middle of my book about an hour ago about coherence and i can across this part

The more training we have in using this technique, the easier it becomes to induce coherence. Once accustomed to this inner state, we become capable of communicating directly, so to speak, with our heart. Like Celeste talking to the little fairy who lived in her heart, we can ask questions such as "At the bottom of my heart, do I really love him/her?" and get a real answer.

And i just started again to feel the same way I did when I started this thread, it turned into a 1+ cry fest, in which my nose and ears have somehow "clogged" themselves (airplane ear "popping"[not sure what you call it] kinda feeling & stuffy nose).
I asked myself the question and looked at pictures and realized that I have no answer. I dont know if really loved him or not.

Most of the memories I have about him today are the ones when i'm sitting next to him and thinking to myself how i " cant stand this ****er why wont he leave me alone." There are SO MANY of those moments that i really question "How the hell did I end up with him, what did he do?" I'm remembering a lot of nagging (from him) and eventually I just gave him a chance when I realized he was hurt by rejections and I felt bad. Then I started to care. Like really care.

I really over exaggerated the SMALL amount of good times we really did have. I gave them more value than they were really worth. I can't seem to recall anything good right now [I guess because there weren't any (or very little)], except how we met in 2007 & how nice I treated him and how he somehow had me there for him 110%. What was I so into from June 2008 to March 2010? (the length of our charade of a relationship)

Looking back at my past post I find them to be ridiculous and time wasting and "oh my god did i really think that?". I have such a different view today, yet I broke down over a paragraph in a book. Maybe I just feel lonely?(deja-vu?)

But it puzzles me that my thoughts were specifically on him when i read this question (which i have no answer to). If anything I'm afraid that the answer might be "no". If it is then I have lied to myself the whole time, caused myself unnecessary pain and basically lied to myself to please someone that at the time really wanted me to be with them as more than friends. If i lied to myself then i probably hate who i am/was, had a low self esteem and thought no one else would want this kind of attention from me.

Basically I am shocked because it's been a long time and I have ACTUALLY started doing better. I was doing better. People were actually telling me i look happy (never heard that before) and I was. I wasn't caring anymore, I was pretty much over it &, I'm talking to other people and feeling happy doing things by myself, with others and potential future (wayy into the future) mates.

I'm starting to feel like the normal social butterfly I was before the relationship (some where during the relationship i stopped talking to other people so he wont be jealous)

I was basically fine up until this part of the book it some how set me back.

Of course I have maintained no contact (since April 7 when my stuff was returned) , I have absolutely NO interest in talking to him. I have nothing to discuss with him and i'm not INTERESTED. I've learned & realized the bad part of relationship (my mistake of smothering and trying to fill in/ignore his flaws) and have come to a conclusion that being with someone that doesn't appreciate me most of the time, makes me question if he loves me or not, is stubborn , is selfish and manipulative isn't best for me.

But I know he's still alive and I do fear randomly running into him. I don't know why.

[asdfg789]

You are 18 and you were in a relationship with him for 3 years. That is 1/6 of your life. Naturally, many things will continue to trigger memories of him.

There were things that attracted you to him. So not all memories of him are bad.

But it is clear now that the relationship has ended. So whenever you think of him, just think of it as an experience that you have gone thru as part of growing up. It is something of the past and you will just put it behind you. Nothing worth dwelling on.