My Ex, should I help her through her pain?

[Senbonzakura]

Not so long ago, just over a month, I split up with my first serious girlfriend. It was an undescribably painful breakup. I wasn't her first, but she was mine. So I think some of you can see that I was the one giving more in the relationship, being the always-kind always-giving boyfriend... yet she didn't and couldn't always appreciate it. We got into a lot of stupid arguments as a result. She asked me out first, and was always so into me and said "I love you" first.

However, now that we split up, we don't really talk any more because it was a really really bad breakup in which some of my former friends encouraged it and drove us further apart with gossip and talk. But she deep down knows that I'm still the same kind person she had as a friend and grew to love; a lot more dependable than any of her other friends at times of serious need.

To cut to the chase: her father is getting chemo done in a foreign country. Doctors found a tumor in his stomach in December and the operation to remove it took place in February, however I only discovered a couple of days ago (when she suddenly and randomly approached me in a cafe) from her that her father's condition came to this. She also expressed interest in what was happening in my life like who I hang out with these days, which universities have accepted me, etc.. Totally different attitude to 4 weeks ago where she despised me right after the breakup.

It's important to note that actually, almost the same thing happened to me except a year earlier... I lost my mother due to cancer, and she was diagnosed the December before my ex's father was diagnosed. My mother got an operation in Feb/March time just like my ex's father... and my mother died just last May. My ex was so kind and caring when I had a relapse tearful moment about my mother when we first started dating in late September (she cried and wailed for me..).. except the few days leading to my breakup I relapsed again and this time she didn't seem to care so much that I was having a hard time about my mother's death again. It was like she slashed my heart.

So it seems now, she is going through a hard time. Her mother is not kind either, and just unloads all her stress on her daughter (my ex)... So my ex really can't afford to lose her father. What should I do? I don't actively text or call her ever since we broke up... but I suspect she will contact me in some way again in the future. I once lover her with all my heart, but no longer now. I can't 100% forgive her for the pain she caused me, and leaving me abandoned when I needed her most... but I feel a moral obligation as a human and as a person who once loved her to provide advice and support even though we are no longer together and probably can't ever be friends again.



I am not wanting to get back together with her. I want to make this clear. Since she was my first, and I was not hers, we both know and feel that it was a lot harder on me to move on and accept it. Plus she broke up with me, not the other way around. We can no longer be friends I don't think, especially how much she hurt me however much I took care of her in times of need and sickness (literally). If I were cruel, I'd say 'Good luck dealing with karma'. But in my heart, I'm not like that, and I feel abandoning someone in a time like this is inhumane. Yes, she broke my heart, badly, but I once loved her.. and I feel I'd be betraying myself by stabbing her in the heart at her most vulnerable. She knows I dealt with almost the exact same thing with my mother a year back, so me more than anyone else she knows is able to empathise with her and give her advice. The question is, whether or not I should?

[ctom18]

You sound like a really thoughtful, considerate person.

My advice is to make the offer of support. Let her know that if she wants to talk it about it with you, your door is open. Tell her you've been through similar things, and if she wants someone to talk about it with, you'll be there for her. I would leave it at that.

Once that offer is made, give her any support she asks for, but don't butt in with any advice that is unsolicited. Even if well-intentioned on your part, un-solicited advice is not going to help her, and it is only going to be misconstrued as you trying to get back together with her (I believe you that that's not what you are trying to do, but that's how she'll see it.)