feels like I'm going in circles... but how to stop?

[joy&freedom]

Hey guys,

I'll try being brief. My problem is that I can't really end a relationship with my boyfriend. I've tried several times to do no contact, but each time he got in contact with me and the whole thing started all over again. It feels like hell now... He told me he does not love me to the point I love him. And then, our relationship has no future. But still he continues to act strange giving me false hope and mixed signals. It was a time when I thought I had moved on, but then he started acting like a person who loves me. I don't know what to do at the moment. It seems he can't decide by himself what he wants. Sometimes I think he is just playing with me. Or maybe he is completely helpless. I thought we could be just friends, like we used to be before any romance appeared between us. But now I have the feeling (and it grows stronger) that I can't be just friends with him because I am too much involved emotionally. From time to time I wish I had the courage to erase his phone number from my cell phone, or to change my phone number. All his calls out of blue are killing me (to the point that I hate my cell phone because I am constantly waiting for him to call me). I really have a deep feeling for him but it seems he doesn't share it. I've talked to him about my feelings so many times, but it doesn't work. I think he wants me to stay in his life like a friend (or sometimes more than a friend when he feels like it). I am sad, desparate and depressed for a year now. I want it to stop somehow, but I am too weak to end it abruptly.Will there be any advice what should I do in this situation? Thank you for reading.

[the_robot]

Finish it for good. If you've tried several times and it keeps going bad, why do you keep accepting the deal?

[oneandonly]

Be determined and change your phone number. Don't waste your time and emotions! Totally not worth it.

[joy&freedom]

That's a tricky thing why I am keeping it going on. We are really close friends. You won't find many close people out there, you know. And plus like I said, I really love him. So I don't want to hurt him, I know definetely that it will hurt him if I break all the connections. And it'd kill me to know that I'll never see or hear him.

[the_robot]

That's a tricky thing why I am keeping it going on. We are really close friends. You won't find many close people out there, you know. And plus like I said, I really love him. So I don't want to hurt him, I know definetely that it will hurt him if I break all the connections. And it'd kill me to know that I'll never see or hear him.

Isn't it possible to stay as friends and not start the relationship again and again?

[joy&freedom]

Isn't it possible to stay as friends and not start the relationship again and again?

That is the thing that I am constantly thinking of. Unfortunately, I haven't found any answer yet. The last time we spoke (it was 5 days ago) I asked him to think and tell me what he wants in our relationships. I think if he decided on something definite (let it be even just friendship) it would be easier for me to accept it and not long for something more. But since he's undecided... it complicates the situation. He feels sorry for me feeling like that, but he can't make up any way out with minor losses for both of us. Really, how can I be friends with someone I deeply love? Any ideas? Maybe I should stop any relations with him until I cool down? But how long will it take? What if I will never cool down?

[the_robot]

Really, how can I be friends with someone I deeply love? Any ideas? Maybe I should stop any relations with him until I cool down? But how long will it take? What if I will never cool down?

I stopped a weird relationship with the only person I've loved in my life just this week, we are going to be friends, but it hurts like hell at least for now. I just hope as time goes by, if I find someone else, the pain will go away and we'll just have the good things of the friendship. So I have no real answer, but I have hope friendship with someone you love is possible... it must be a really deep friendship though.

[joy&freedom]

So I have no real answer, but I have hope friendship with someone you love is possible... it must be a really deep friendship though.

Thank you. I really want to hope the friendship is possible. And maybe it is. We told each other we would be just friends, but after several months of this "just friends" we ended up kissing again... It happened several times. It frightens me. Does "just being friends" mean we shouldn't see each other often and talk over phone too often too? If it does then what kind of friendship is it if we don't communicate regularly? But if we do communicate then my emotions and feelings start to grow stronger and I end up depressed... I wonder why is everything so complicated in life?

[the_robot]

. Does "just being friends" mean we shouldn't see each other often and talk over phone too often too? If it does then what kind of friendship is it if we don't communicate regularly? But if we do communicate then my emotions and feelings start to grow stronger and I end up depressed... I wonder why is everything so complicated in life?

I don't think you should stop communication with him if he is a good friend.. just have it clear that he is a friend. Have you tried meeting other people though? Maybe if you find someone else important for you, it will be easier to avoid the feelings to grow..

[joy&freedom]

Yes, in fact I tried to meet other people. But each time I return to him. At the moment there is no other important person for me. I miss him so much because I don't see him often (only once in 2-3 weeks and we live in the same town) and I don't phone him (he phones me once a week) - all that was my initiative. I had to make myself suffer because of it, since when I see or hear him the feelings overflow me and I feel I can't control them. It's like a bad wound that can't heal for a year. Agh... these feelings devastate me.

[cmacattack1]

Isn't it funny how he causing you all this emotional pain with all his confusion, hot and cold attention, loving at some times but other times wants nothing to do with you. And you are afraid to hurt him when you are suffering all along.

You have the power and the strength in you to do this for yourself, even if it means causing him pain. If he understood what you have been going through, he would have backed off. He doesn't and probably is only worried about himself. Just when he thinks he is losing you, he'll play hot again and you will fall into the same old loop. You need to break this off for good to get you out of this cycle because I promise you that nothing will change as long as it's allowed to happen. They just get more and more comfortable.

He's getting in the way of you enjoying your time with other people and not allowing you to be that happy person you once were. Of course most other guys aren't going to be able to swoop you off your feet, as most special relationships are few and far between.

You have to break it off for good and tell him not to contact you. You are not happy with him and his interference in your life is causing you pain. Remind him a few times after that you need this for you and if you had any respect for me you would understand. After that, it's no response at all. If this continues, change your number.

[joy&freedom]

You have to break it off for good and tell him not to contact you.

Sometimes I do have this thought to break it off for ever. In such a mood I would switch my cell phone off or mute it and not take his calls. But then after several days, I calm down and think that there is no point to get rid of my best and closest friend. I hope I'll wake up one day and feel that my feelings for him have faded away and it's just warm friendly feeling left. I really wish to keep this friendship, but without those emotions. He's not at all that bad, he does care for my feelings, but he is not concentrated on me - he just has many other things to do and other people to be busy with. It seems that it's my battle to make those emotions go away. He just can't think of any way to help me there, neither do I.

[cmacattack1]

Rarely are we able to be friends after all the emotions and feelings that are involved. You need to be on your own so the feelings of hurt can subside and then you will have that warm friendly feeling of them in your memory. However it most likely cannot be done while your feelings for him as more than a friend still exist. If he was your best and dearest friend and he really does care about your feelings, he would understand or do his very best to try to. You need to do this for you now so that you can entertain the idea of being friends in the future.

[joy&freedom]

You need to do this for you now so that you can entertain the idea of being friends in the future.

Thank you for advice. So you think that sometime in the future we still can try being friends? Well, I haven't talked to him for a week now, and I can say that I feel fine: I have calmed down and a good mood has finally returned to me. And I have a feeling that I wouldn't like to talk to him now - so I'm completely OK that he doesn't phone me (however, if we phones me these days, I probably will be feeling terribly back again). I hope I'll be able to go on feeling fine and enjoying the life even without him.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah you are far from over and you will be on a roller coaster, especially with him calling you again. We told you what you should do, it's up to you if you want to try that or just continue what you are doing. If what you are doing isn't getting you the results you want, you should consider other options.

It takes two people to be able to be friends. If either one of you are unable to right now (i.e. you), it can't work. With some time apart and some space, I think you will be able to think about it again. If you think about it, it's much easier to strike up a friendship sometime in the future. All you have to do is send an email, call, leave a text, anything. But you can only do that and feel comfortable about it if you don't have those feelings anymore. For most it takes finding somebody new or a long period of time.