long message from ex..............

[flo]

I’m completely lost about what to do. Basically I split up with my ex because he wasn’t over his ex. Never ended badly and although I was heartbroken, I figured he needed some time. However, he still kept in contact with me and we still met up. I thought I could deal with the whole friends thing for a while but it was tearing me up. He was still so affectionate and acted how a bf does when together but we didn’t speak everyday like before.

So I told him this, he’s always known how I felt about him because I figured it would be best to just be honest with him. He asked to see me again but I wasn’t happy so I told I didn’t think we should until he knows who and what he wants, and that he should maybe be o his own for awhile to do this. I told him once he knows and if its me then maybe we can meet up in the future.

Its been 3 months since and tbh nothing really has got easier because I am so heartbroken. We never had any other issues other than his confusion over his ex who came back after dumping him for an unknwn reason and not speaking to him fornearly a year. She broke his heart so I’ve tried to be sympathetic an do what was best.

Anyway, I’ve seen on a website that she has been talking to him, so I figured they’d get back together. So I’ve been trying to accept that. But the other day he sends me this massive email saying how this is all stupid and that he misses me and our conversations and falling asleep together and me just being around. He also apologised for everything and while my parents probably hate him that he wanted me to know. He gave me his new number and talked about things happening in his life and asked to meet up - even gave days when he wasn’t in work. The thing is also that he sent it really late. My friend says maybe he was drunk but it was word perfect, paragraph after paragraph, no spelling mistakes and actually made sense - the completely oposite behavoir to what you’d expect if it was a drunken messge.

However, he had also deleted me from this website. I don’t know if this was before or after he had written the message. But it hurts. He still has our pics up though according to a friend and she told me that he hasn’t deleted the ex. Even though in this message he had said that he hasn’t spoken to his ex since the last time I know about and that he doesn’t want to.

I don’t know what to make of this. I’d have probably replied of it wasn’t for the deleting. But now I don’t know if I should even bother replying now. The thing is that I still feel exactly the same as what he wrote, so I he’s being genuine, I don’t want to make the mistake of letting this slip because of whats happened in the past. But also don’t want to look like a fool either. I mean Id rather him be happy whether its me he chooses or not, and its not like he doesn’t already know how I feel about him. We never ended badly and I was accepting him more than likely not wanting me if his ex was back in the picture, and I was just about coping, but this has sent me back to square one.

Any ideas about his intentions? Or am I just reading too into it?
Is it normal for a guy to do this? What should I do? Reply/not reply.

Thanks in advance.

[vashti]

he may have deleted you earlier, and forgot about it when he sent you that email.

If you are still interested in him, maybe you should get together and clarify whether or not it's over with the other girl. Maybe you can reply with something like "did you mean all this?"

[MissAnn]

I see no harm in replying and getting more information from him regarding his intentions.

I would proceed with caution though. It may not be so much that he couldn't get over this particular ex, but rather he has trouble moving on from everyone and wants to keep his exes on the back burner in case his current situation doesn't work out. You may now be in the situation of being the ex he has "on hold". I recently dated a guy like this, I don't think he was a bad person. He was just petrified of being alone.

[flo]

UPDATE!!!!!!!

I replied back, basicallly saying that I've still been feeling the same as what he wrote, and that he I'll leave things up to him. If he replies back then great, if not then at least I'd know where I stand.

He replied back, saying that he only deleted me cos he doesn't want to hurt me and feels like he will. That he is a mess at the minute and does stupid things like this, and that he knows he should leave me alone but doesn't want to lose me. But at the same time, doesn't want to hurt me either and he can see himself doing this. (Too late after nearly 11 months). He also writes again how much he misses spending time with me and me being around. He apologises.

I reply basically saying thanks for the honesty and that if he feels that way then he should stop doing this. I told him I miss him too and only replied to him cos I thought we would work as the problem was not between me and him, but a problem outstide of our relationship. but also said that if he feels this way then there isn't much point anymore. I ended it by telling him to not feel down and that I'd get over it.

his reply (which I didn't expect) - he says that it isn't because there was anything wrong between us (that we are perfect) but that something is telling him it is a bad idea and that he's make my life bad. Then he goes on to the whole missing you speech again - how I fit into his arms perfectly and when he's out he's always thinking about me..

I've decided to leave it there and not reply because I feel as though we both know what we feel now and I need to move on. Although I miss him like crazy, I actually feel good about this. And I think it's because we've ended on as good terms as we can. So if I see him, I know that I can just say hi without it becoming some big drama. (My friends think I should have completely ignored him) I know I probably shouldn't have told him exactly how I feel and that I still do, but I don't like playng all those games.

Any ideas about his replies?
I know they're pretty self explanitory. And although I'm beginning to accept them (and it easier to now because I kinda know what he's been thinking), the whole I miss you thing makes it worse.

Do you think he's being genuine or just saying all this to be nice?
(he told me how he felt first, and since our break up 4 months ago, he is the one to always initate contact). After the break up, It's like when I'd stay with him, he's all over the place saying that he wants to be with me but its nothing like how we were. So when I tell him we should be apart for a while, so he can figure out what he wants, he does things like this. And I can see him doing it again in a few months time, don't know why, I always get the feeling that this isn't the end and I've got it now and I was right before. I just don't want to go back to square one.

[lahnnabell]

It seems that despite his wishes to not hurt you, he doesn't understand how much it frustrates you to hear him say these empty things. I mean, they are empty if he can't follow through with actions. "I miss you" and "You fit perfectly in my arms" are pointless statements if he refuses to do anything about it, y'know?

He's still all over the place and only comes back enough to see if maybe he can say something that'll keep you hooked. I don't think he understands just how messed up he is right now and perhaps he thinks that you can somehow come to his rescue and fix him. That's completely pointless though, as you know. You're doing great. This guy is gonna be one sorry SOB, but don't let that stop you from moving forward.

[flo]

Yeah i know. There are many things I've learnt from all this and the most significant is that actions speak louder than words, and it is one thing I will always stick to.

I think I have gotten to caught up in his words and felt that was enough when it obviously wasn't. I do think he does realise how messed up he is, and it's a shame that I didn't realise until too late. if all it takes is his ex to walk back into his life to destroy us, even though there weren't any other problems then we obviously weren't as great and perfect as I first thought. It just hurts to think that I spent nearly a year with this guy, developed all these feelings for him and he allowed me to, despite knowing he wasn't over her. I had all these expectations because I fell for him straight away and he made out that he did too. I trusted him, felt completely comfortable around him and I rarely get that with a lot of people. I fell completely in love with him and now I feel like I can't even look back anymore and think of all the good times we had together, because what if it was all just a lie? Anything he has ever said to me, the I love yous, and compliments etc, I meant all of them but I'll never know if he did. The worst thing is that I don't hate him, nor will I ever hate him and I don't know why that is. My friends say I forgive way too easily and that I should have completely ignored him from the beginning, but to be honest, I don't think I'll ever get over him if I become bitter and angry towards him.

I know I have to stay away from him because he's bringing me down now. He has more or less done the same thing to me as what his ex had done to him. It's funny because like you said I think he wants someone to rescue him, and I thought I could when he first told me. But only he can do that.

I really appreciate the replies, it was more or less the same as what I had been thinking, just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. Have a good day.

[lahnnabell]

This kind of reminds me of my situation last year when I moved from Boston to San Diego with my ex. We broke up in March last year after I finally came to terms with what an emotional mess he was and I was tired of shouldering his problems.

At first I just attributed my slightly depressive state to working two jobs and adjusting to a new home. It continued for several months. I found that even if I slept 9-10 hours, I still felt tired and had no energy. Something was keeping me in a state of depression and I felt myself getting worse. My ex and I would argue occasionally and some days he'd come home from work upset and use me as a scape goat. I bought into it for some time until one day I finally put my foot down. I told him that I was going to go out to run some errands and that he and I could talk about things when he calmed down. He tried to prevent me from leaving, but I stayed calm and told him that we'd talk later. When I returned he was calmer and apologized for getting upset when it wasn't my fault.

I tried approaching things in that calm from fashion from then on, but I realized that too much damage had been done. I came home from after going out with a friend one night and he barely said a word to me as I came in the door. I took a shower to create some space in my mind for what was about to happen and then I laid it out. I moved out that weekend and spent a few weeks wallowing at first and allowing myself to adjust to my new home (lucky my friend had a room open in her house, so I moved right away). After that I declared I wouldn't lock myself away and cry over a man that didn't deserve me in the first place. After going out and making some new friends, I began to feel like myself again. I had energy, I slept well, and had a blast with my life. I rebounded a little bit and dated casually for about 6 months, and then I met my current boyfriend.

I learned a lot from my ex about what I will and will not put up with in relationships and I now use that to make my current one even better. You will get there

[flo]

Aw it's nice to hear that there can be a happy ending at the end of all this. I'm glad it has all worked out for you.
I'm getting there, just have a bad day every now and then, but I'll be alright I think.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, you've helped me a lot.
And I'll definately take on board the whole 'actions speak louder than words' advice you gave earlier. It does make things so much clearer.